Browsing Category

Comedy

‘It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World’

March 11, 2018

Starring: Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, Spencer Tracy (and about 400 other famous people)

Rated: G

Released: 1963

What I “know”: This is one of my dad’s favorite movies. Like I told him a while ago I was going to see it and he started laughing. “Oh, man, it’s hilarious!” Then this weekend he told me he thinks I’ll like it now but might not have when I was younger, so he apparently thinks my sense of humor has matured … or gotten softer. One of the two.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Before literally kicking the bucket when his car careens off an embankment, “Smiler” Grogan tells onlookers he’s stashed $350,000 beneath the big “W” in Santa Rosita — and thus begins a mad dash to recover said dough.”

Also, this movie is 2:41. WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE EDITORS? Why are all these movies pushing 3 hours????

TRAILER!

6:37: I’ve already had to rely on IMDB more than I would have thought to identify people. I guess I expected Milton Berle to look older than that, even in 1963. Can’t wait for Mr. Roper to show up!

7:45: “If you move me, I’ll break into little bits.” *Jimmy Durante proceeds to move all over telling his story*

9:10: MUAHAHAHA I was literally typing “There was no bucket. That description bugs me. Don’t say literally if he doesn’t literally kick a bucket” and then … he kicked a bucket. Tremendous.

10:23: Mr. Roper!

16:50: Buddy Hackett just randomly naming W words while Mickey Rooney yells at him kills me.

19:00: What was Jonathan Winters’ big plan? Just stop and wait two hours for them to leave so he could … get the money last? Like, was he going to U-turn his truck on that mountain and go the long way? I don’t understand his dastardly idea.

19:50: It must have been the craziness of the first shot, but Berle looks older now. And like himself. If I’d just waited, I’d have figured it out!

20:41: Holy crap, Spencer Tracy is like the opposite of Berle for me. I didn’t expect him to be super old. Then I looked him up and he died four years after this. I’m telling you, if you don’t know this about me, my relation to how time moves is not tremendous. Like … I don’t know when all his movies came out, but I guess I assumed like the ’50s. It was apparently the ’30s and ’40s.

21:32: Hahaahhaha Spencer Tracy threw his hat out the window and made the most ridiculous sound. “DIB BUH!” is my best approximation.

21:58: Holy crap, Jerry Lewis is in this? Uncredited?

27:36: The math on this 27 shares of the money version is hurting my head. No wonder they can’t agree.

28:14: Hackett: “Except you, lady! May you just drop dead!” Winters: “OK, we all agree on that.” Her face after that is tremendous.

31:39: Man, Berle’s wife wasn’t kidding. He is not a good driver.

32:20: Oh no! That poor couple that just got run off the road and lost all their shit. White dudes chasing big money cost a black couple half their belongings and nearly kill them … sounds allegorical.

37:54: You guys … I just literally made a sad sound at Jonathan Winters’ sad face when the Berle group went flying past him in another car. Poor guy got on a girls bike to try to get help and just got ditched.

41:54: OH NO, JONATHAN WINTERS. Oh gosh. I mean, I know this is in his wheelhouse, but I just feel so bad! He just told the whole story to a guy who stopped to help him, then the guy was like “Oh you should go move that bike” and as he threw it into a bush, the dude drives off to go get the money himself! Jonathan, I hope you never trusted another human as long as you lived. But you were fine to trust Mork. He wasn’t human.

42:43: MUAHAHAH HOLD ON. There’s a sign on the side of the road for Ray & Irwin Garage. My dad’s name is … Ray Erwin (though most people usually spell it with an I on first try). This is hilarious. This is probably part of why he loves this movie, though I’m also guessing he’s forgotten this part in the past 55 years.

49:12: Hey! It’s Thurston Howell III!

50:29: Holy cow, you guys. Jonathan Winters was a gift to the world. The part with him breaking free from the garage is just sheer perfection.

53:36: And then it kept going … and going … and going. I snorted, legit, four times during that three minutes. Tremendous, tremendous physical comedy.

54:16: This dude is AGGRESSIVELY dancing, and his female partner looks like she is pissed at everything.

56:36: Poor Jack Benny!!!

58:10: And I just sniggled at them holding Ethel Merman upside down, trying to shake the car keys out of her bosom. Well played.

1:00:06: Sid Caesar, man. This movie is just chock full of physical comedians, and I adore it.

1:09:13: Uh, how is he going to return the hitchhiker’s kid back to his family after finding the alternate route to the road?

1:28:59: This movie is ridiculous, in all the best ways. The good-for-nothing, aggressively dancing son is on his way to “help” his mom instead of going to get the money. Everyone’s fighting with everyone. This is great.

1:30:00: This “intermission” thing in movies is so crazy to me. I’m fast-forwarding past a black screen.

1:34:14: I hope Sid Caesar gets blown to bits for a.) setting up a dynamite blast to get out of this stupid basement; b.) lining the fuse 40000000 feet long; c.) doing so on a paper trail over top of some paper boxes and d.) doing it 6 inches from a load of fireworks.

1:39:49: Man, these cops sure do have a lot of information about people that they’re not near and before cell phones were invented. They know the one dude (who wasn’t even part of the original group) drove his car into a lake. They know the ones in the basement started a fire and set off fireworks and still didn’t get out (but apparently didn’t care enough to go save their lives).

1:59:48: I oddly enjoy that two groups arrived there at the same time. Don’t know why … totally implausible. Also, unrelated, but my allergies blew up in the last 45 minutes and now I can barely breathe and my eyes are watering. So if the end of this review is off, that’s why.

2:00:19: Hey, that’s Peter Falk that drove that cab!

2:02:15: I told my dad early in the movie that when Buddy Hackett was running through W words, I was like “I’m sure it’s actually a big W and not that it stands for something” and hey, I was right!

2:15:30: Nice reveal by Spencer Tracy. And Berle popping his nitroglycerine pills throughout the movie has cracked me up.

2:19:50: Muahahah Jonathan Winters’s double earned his pay for this movie.

2:29:38: Hey, that’s that guy from “Some Like It Hot” with the weird face! Joe E. Brown!

2:32:26: Hahah the fire truck ladder is swinging because they all clambered on at once. Not to say I wouldn’t have done the same … it still looks safer than that fire escape.

2:33:17: And the hardest laugh of the night comes from Sid Caesar being catapulted through a boarded-up window by the rogue ladder. Tremendous.

As I watched the last scene, I just wonder what Spencer Tracy was thinking when he made this movie. Like, it’s hilarious. No doubt. But if he was like “OK, so this is my life now, I make movies where Ethel Merman slipping on a banana peel is the capper to the whole flick,” I just wonder what that meant to him.

Tons of fun, hilarious, and a great cast. I could have put another 400 clips in this thing, but that would have been a nightmare. This movie gets two thumbs up.

Next up: “American History X”

‘Some Like it Hot’

July 23, 2017

Stars: Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, Marilyn Monroe

Rated: NR

Released: 1959

What I “know”: I know Marilyn Monroe’s in it. I did not know the other two were. I assume it’s like all the other Monroe movies I’ve seen so far, where she’s a flirtatious dame who finds herself in a pickle.

And I’ve seen this on imgur like 400000 times:

Some Like It Hot (1959)

And I still think in the last frame, it looks like Jason Segel.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “When musicians Jerry and Joe accidentally witness the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, they get out of town the only way they know how — dressed as women. But things heat up on the road when they meet a curvy blonde who plays the ukelele.”

Welp, I was pretty far off. She’s the only one NOT in trouble, apparently. Also, if this were the plot of like a Seth Rogen/James Franco movie, I would be incredibly P.O.ed at this ridiculous plot, but I’m oddly intrigued because … Jack Lemmon? As a woman?

TRAILER!

1:47: Just to let you guys know what a mental heavyweight you’re dealing with, the first scene came on and I thought, “Wait, those cars aren’t from 1959!” Then I remembered, “Oh yeah, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre was in the ’20s … never mind.” #duh

2:34: OMG this is the coolest hearse ever. Guns hidden in the roof? Also, I marveled at the 10 cops crammed in that car, with some holding on the little side-step things, to shoot at the baddies in the hearse. Windshields were not shatterproof back then, BTW.

5:04: If Charlie’s worried about being made as an informant, maybe standing next to a cop car talking to a cop in front of the funeral parlor they’re scoping out wouldn’t be his best move?

6:25: I sniggled again at “Scotch coffee, Canadian coffee, sour mash coffee … ”

8:44: Lemmon doesn’t look like Segel yet, but Curtis looks like Ray Liotta. Well, I guess Ray Liotta looks like Tony Curtis. Whatever, you know what I’m saying.

10:30: What is with weird, Muppet-sounding “Buttermilk” guy?? That was creepy.

10:51: Please tell me the “I want another cup of coffee!” guy is like the “I want my two dollars!” kid from “Better Off Dead” and he’ll keep showing up at random times. Please.

15:45: So, um, point of clarification … they did not witness the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. They witnessed a raid of a party that possibly led to that. But unless sometime between today, where they’re begging for work, and tonight at 8 p.m. when they supposedly get on a train as women musicians they somehow witness something that happened at 10:30 a.m. on Feb. 14 … the timeline doesn’t match up.

19:30: OK, I spoke too soon. I guess they went to those offices at like 9 a.m. or something.

24:07: Jack Lemmon’s facial expressions are so good. As someone who knew him by name only and then only from “Grumpy Old Men,” this is tremendous to see him when he was young.

24:24: A.) Tony Curtis is, by far, the better looking woman. B.) I know they’re going to explain the wardrobe away as them saying they could borrow clothes from the chorus girls, but … no chorus girls I’ve seen were built like men.

25:39: And we meet Marilyn, looking beautiful and pouty … as always.

27:55: Jack Lemmon/Daphne going on and on about her seamstress coming in once a month only to be shut down by Tony Curtis/Josephine was great.

29:42: “I’m Sugar Kane … I changed it. It used to be Sugar Kovalchuk.” WTF? I mean, I feel bad for how Monroe got shoehorned into these roles and things, but “I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop” is awesome.

33:01: Jack Lemmon was a tremendous physical comedian. I had no idea.

38:33: Him blurting out “That’s one of ’em” when Sugar scrambles into his bunk just cracked me up. I love this movie already.

42:51: I don’t know where their director/conductor lady went, but this party is getting out of control. Alcohol + 10 women + 1 dude = loud times.

57:22: Why did Tony Curtis steal the dude’s suitcase? What is he doing with that hat? No one’s going to believe he’s a guy he’s 10 inches taller than.

1:01:17: I love the ballsiness of him wearing the guy’s clothes out of the hotel he’s staying in and then flirting with Sugar while wearing said clothes.

1:06:40: Hahhaahaaah he’s in the tub in the full outfit. That’s tremendous.

1:12:00: Uh, Sugar’s dress here is not much more than netting and pasties. That’s a lot of skin for the ’20s, I think, outside of a flapper show.

1:14:13: Haha he forgot to take off his earrings. I’ll bet this will lead to some high jinks!

1:15:22: I still don’t get why Lemmon is doing this whole “going out with the creepy old guy” thing for Curtis. At all.

1:19:40: So THIS movie is where the water polo/drowned ponies joke comes from? I never knew.

1:34:37: Wait, how did Spats find them??

1:34:52: Oh, hahaha, he didn’t. He’s there for an unrelated reason. Silly plot!

1:48:54: I am a woman. Born one, will die one. I wear heels occasionally, but mostly sneakers and flats. And I gotta say, Jack Lemmon really mastered running in heels for this movie. I’d have twisted an ankle or 7 filming this escape scene.

Final thoughts: I really, really, really liked this movie. This is the kind of slapstick/physical comedy I like. I don’t need it to be weird, over-the-top guffaws, just funny situations with good actors. This fit the bill, and then some.

Next up: “Love Story!”

‘Private Benjamin’

April 2, 2017

Stars: Armand Assante, Eileen Brennan, Goldie Hawn

Rated: R

Released: 1980

What I “know”: Goldie Hawn joins the Army. I don’t know why, but she does. And high jinks ensue! Also, I just learned that it’s not spelled “hijinks.” I mean, it’s a variant of, but WTF?

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “After her husband drops dead on their wedding night, spoiled society girl Judy Benjamin (Goldie Hawn) decides to join the Army — a choice with consequences both explosive and explosively funny. The situation is mined (no pun intended) for plenty of laughs, but in the end, this classic comedy is about Judy’s inspiring search for identity and independence. Eileen Brennan co-stars as the tough-as-nails captain determined to teach Judy a lesson.”

I LOVE Eileen Brennan. I’m assuming she won’t be dolled up as Mrs. Peacock, which is a real shame.

TRAILER!

00:46: For a split second, I was like “Oh yay, Albert Brooks! I wonder why he wasn’t credited as one of the stars.” Then I remembered I just typed that her husband drops dead on their wedding night. Oops?

1:40: So the other morning, I woke up and was singing “Hava Nagila” for no reason. I am not Jewish. I have never attended a Jewish ceremony where that song would be played. And here it is, in the beginning of this movie. Weird.

8:58: Nothing says 6:30 a.m. like racquetball and deli meat. Yum!

10:45: So not only does her husband die on the wedding night, but she had to have bathroom tile sex? Poor girl.

20:13: Actual sentence I just blurted out, alone, in my house: “Holy shit, that’s the husband from ‘227!'”

26:29: Eileen Brennan’s facial mannerisms as she’s talking to Benjamin for the first time are to die for.

27:24: I will say, if you have to clean the bathroom with a toothbrush, the battery-operated one is probably the way to go. Well done, Benjamin!

30:28: And, “Holy shit, that’s Coach!”

36:05: I laughed out loud at her stuck in the barbed wire fence and her “ow” as they tried to cut her out.

37:04: “I’ve never, in all my born days, met such a whiny candy-ass as you!” Honey, let me try to do ONE day of basic training and you’d be begging for Judy Benjamin to come back. Trust.

39:02: It JUST hit me. I knew I knew her mother. I had to look her up, but y’all, I am not kidding .. I LOVED “Double Trouble” back in the ’80s.

Yes, those ARE the younger sisters of Katey Sagal. I’m so glad all the full episodes are on YouTube. I know what I’m watching next!

58:37: Drunk Eileen Brennan is the best Eileen Brennan. “Let’s not keep in touch, shall we?”

1:01:33: I don’t mean to question the reality of a movie about a rich girl joining the Army and magically winning the big competition, but if they put blue dye in her shower head, it wouldn’t be that dark, it wouldn’t stick that much and it wouldn’t last that long. Just saying.

(Fun fact: There are almost NO clips on YouTube, and only like two gifs on giphy.com. I had to go through a LOT of Benjamin Bratt ones, too. Who needs that many Benjamin Bratt gifs??)

1:02:44: Brennan’s vampirish skin and blue teeth, with her awkward smile, is just the best.

1:07:56: Confession: The French guy said “Baltimore,” but I heard “Voldemort.” I’m only on book 3. No spoilers.

1:10:14: Hey, she had one that lived! Good for you, Benjamin!

1:13:01: Wait, she parlayed lucking into a jeep after not being able to read a map, then tying someone’s underwear around her arm, into a spot in the “Thornbirds?” Like the SEALs? Ugh.

1:17:42: Man, they did not go subtle with the sexual harassment/assault there. Lord. “You know you want it?” Ugh.

1:18:57: “Innuendo? Try rape.” I did NOT expect that. I’m impressed.

1:19:24: Ugh, you can’t just transfer to Europe because of one good lay. Should have gone for the yachts.

1:26:17: So he’s a Communist who doesn’t like women who are too independent? Good choice, Benjamin.

1:32:25: Of course she picked the man. Sigh.

1:35:18: So the guy who stops walking while they’re discussing their wedding because he’s drooling over his ex follows it up with “I want to have a baby with you, but we might not make forever, so please sign this prenup?” Oh, Benjamin, you chose SO poorly.

1:36:27: Why would she sign something she can’t even read???

1:38:30: He’s telling you what color hair to have and that you wanting a career is nonsensical? RUN, BENJAMIN.

1:39:04: She looks like a carrot with that hair. Actually, she looks like Shelley Long in “Troop Beverly Hills.”

1:43:39: I mean, clearly she doesn’t marry the guy. This isn’t the kind of movie where she marries the guy. But if someone doesn’t punch him in the face by the time this is over, I’m going to be really let down.

1:46:13: MUAHAHAHAHAHAH I didn’t actually expect anyone to punch him in the face, but cripes, that was perfect. I love that whole thing.

I really liked that movie. It wasn’t as slapstick as I thought it would be, which was good. And I’m glad it wasn’t two hours of “look at her screwing up at basic” because that would have been boring. Henri is the worst person (next to her dad, who, let’s be honest, is the reason she’s been so messed up to start with).

Next up: “Out of Africa!” (Back to Redfordtown … about time)

 

‘What’s Up, Doc?’

March 16, 2017

Stars: Madeline Kahn, Ryan O’Neal, Barbra Streisand

Rated: G

Released: 1972

What I “know”: I know I love Madeline Kahn, so I’m already psyched. And I know it’s only 94 minutes, so double score! In regards to actual plot, nothing.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “While two researchers are competing for a grant, one must deal with a strange woman who’s devoted her life to confusing and embarrassing him. Meanwhile, a woman’s jewels are stolen and a government whistleblower arrives with top-secret papers. All, of course, have the same style overnight bag. Barbra Streisand, Ryan O’Neal and Madeline Kahn star in this homage to classic screwball comedies from director Peter Bogdanovich.”

Y’all, I can’t even put into words how excited I now am about this movie. Madeline Kahn, screwball, a stalker who confuses someone (guessing that’s Kahn), stolen jewels … This can’t possibly be as good as I now want it to be.

TRAILER!

1:09: Ooooh she’s being “introduced,” so it’s her first movie. I hope it’s a tour de force!!! PS, my favorite Madeline Kahn scene EVER from one of my favorite movies:

And I just fell into a “Clue” wormhole on YouTube. So I’m back after 30 minutes. It happens.

3:31: You should TOTALLY check your “top secret” files when you fly somewhere. No need to keep those with you!

4:34: HAHAH Kahn’s hair is ridiculous. However, I also guess she’s not the stalker as she’s apparently O’Neal’s wife. OK, apparently his girlfriend, since she wants to go to San Fran for their honeymoon.

8:04: Why is Babs following the pizza guy and causing accidents left and right? Though her sassy response of “One of us must be in the wrong hotel” was worth it all.

10:23: Good heavens, Streisand was tiny. And golf-bag stalker boy is REALLY bad at his job. You can’t follow that closely or that obviously. Sheesh.

13:56: Streisand is better at comedic timing than I would have assumed. I wish she didn’t have the same weird half-smile in every scene, though.

18:35: “As the years go by, romance fades and something else takes its place. Do you know what that is?” “Senility.” “Trust!” Madeline Kahn is so good. Though I do wish she had eyebrows of some sort.

26:16: For someone who was so concerned that he get down to the banquet and make a good first impression, Kahn sure did take her sweet time getting ready. And now she lost her seat to Babs. Too little, too late, Eunice.

26:41: So back in the day, anyone could open up those doors between rooms in hotels? That seems patently unsafe.

29:23: I’ve already lost track of what bag is where and who has it and whose it was to begin with.

32:28: And Kahn’s huge entrance into the banquet is my first laugh-out-loud moment of the movie. It’s slapstick, but not funny slapstick (the movie, not Kahn’s entrance).

 

33:33: And that trip is the second LOL moment. Awesome. He got her at knee level!

33:49: So when the house detective put the bag under the bed in 1714, it was a flowered bedspread. Now it’s solid blue. This is BASIC stuff, Bogdanovich.

34:50: HAHAH the like fourth trip was at waist level. That whole thing is perfection.

46:02: A.) Babs is an A-level bath towel wrapper if she falls off a ledge, grabs on, and the towel doesn’t come off her perky little body. B.) No one is strong enough to just pull themselves up on a ledge like that.

47:02: I like how the room is in blazes, a man just flew through the window into the room, and the room service guy is just nonchalantly setting up dinner.

47:52: Fastest. Fire. Department. Ever.

49:36: So the guy walks into SteveHoward’s room and I paused to go to IMDB to figure out who he was because he looked familiar. And the TRIPPING GUY IS BOSS HOGG? WHAT? Mind. Blown. P.S., I was totally right, the hotel manager is Higgins from “Magnum, P.I.” I don’t know why that triggered so quickly, but I knew it immediately.

56:13: Eunice’s more-and-more rushed wig jobs are killing me.

1:06:10: Why would they just take all four bags and leave? Now they’re thieves, because he KNOWS there’s a crapton of jewels in one of them. Just go into a side room, check them, get your rocks, and get out.

1:09:03: Good buildup to the window breaking. Any longer would have been too long.

1:11:46: How can people drive in San Fran without completely screwing up their cars within six months? I will never understand.

1:31:42: WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THESE MOVIES FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE THEY BARELY KNOW? Stuffy Howard Bannister would never tell a crazy woman he loves her. Gah.

OK, so I was right, this movie wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be. Fun, light-hearted, fine. But I didn’t love it. I will say this: Ryan O’Neal was a terrible person by most accounts, but he was a very good-looking guy. I actually liked him better in glasses. Oh well.

Next up: “Private Benjamin!”

‘Gentlemen Prefer Blondes’

February 27, 2017

Stars: Charles Coburn, Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russell

Rated: NR

Released: 1953

What I “know:” It has Marilyn Monroe in it, so I assume she’ll be a vacuous, beautiful blonde with a really high-pitched, breathy voice. And there are gentlemen, real or metaphorical?

What I know after reading the Netflix blurb (this one’s streaming): “A blond showgirl is unknowingly tracked by an investigator hired by her fiancé’s father. But the detective only has eyes for her brunette friend.” Well, either the detective is no gentleman, or the title is stupid, or it’s intentionally so. So much going on already! And bonus, after the interminable “The Sound of Music” … It’s only 91 minutes long!

TRAILER!

P.S. I turned off my 78th viewing of “The Notebook” (and third today) to watch this. The sacrifices I make …

1:36: Well, that “Little Rock” song was horrible. Oh god, is this a musical too? Please no.

3:11: Either this “Little Rock” song is really long, or it’s a fully themed-out “Little Rock” stage show. Please let it be the latter.

3:34: Monroe’s lipstick is a nightmare in this number. I mean, I don’t wear makeup often, but I’m pretty sure your liner isn’t supposed to be 17 shades darker than your lips.

5:52: Ewwwww she just called him daddy. Also, Jane Russell is all legs. Good lord.

6:37: This timeline is all wonky. She thinks he’s got a ring, he gives her a ring, then they’ve already planned their wedding? What were people doing in the ’50s?

7:35: I know it’s her thing, but every time Monroe speaks, she sounds like a 6-year-old. Kind of kills the sexy, you know?

9:44: “If the ship hit an iceberg and sank, which one would you save from drowning?” “Those girls wouldn’t drown.” Was that a boob joke? In 1953??

11:49: Oh, the 1950s, when the Olympic relay team was four white guys.

13:34: Russell was only 32 when this was made? She looks 40s, easily. Life must have been hard back then, based on her here and Lauren Bacall in “How to Marry a Millionaire.”

18:04: I mean, Monroe’s not a good singer. That’s gotta be accepted fact, right? Not a great actress, not a great singer, but killer body and likes to pout? Was that her thing? Also, kind of bitchy of Russell, who isn’t saying goodbye to anyone, to hog a whole window with her singing Olympians while other people are like trying to wave to their families.

21:32: A bunch of men in only short shorts doing gymnastics in front of a giant painting of a Spartan? Like … that has to be intentional, right?

22:28: As per usual, I could do without the music. But I like Jane Russell WAY more than Marilyn Monroe. I’ve seen Monroe in three things now and she annoys me.

22:40: So the coach is so strict he makes them go to bed at 9 p.m., but he’s fine with this chick in a bustier walking around and messing with his guys while they’re “training?” Sure.

24:25: “I like muscles … and red corpuscles.” Are they serious with this? “I like red blood cells.” Good for you, honey.

32:04: Russell’s “Thank YOU” to Piggy’s snobby wife just made my day. She’s so catty. I love it.

(gif unrelated, but I love Russell.)

34:22: Apparently I can never go on a cruise. I don’t have an evening gown covered head to toe in sparkles to wear to eat from the buffet.

36:11: Holy crap, that kid is a smooth dude. “I’m old enough to know a good-looking woman when I see one. This promises to be quite a trip.”

39:51: Why is she wearing a widow’s shroud with an off-the-shoulder dress? 1950s fashion was weird.

43:27: I like the Monroe’s response to being caught hugging a strange, old, diamond-mining billionaire by the man she thought was interested in her friend but instead was spying on her was basically “Oopsy!”

45:19: Of course Monroe locks herself in the dude’s cabin. Those shouldn’t lock people in, so maybe, just maybe … try the door lock?

45:37: Oh. My. God. She held her hands up to the porthole window, moved them down to her hips, and is now trying to shimmy out? Lady, you have a tiny waist but big-ass hips. You have curves. That’s what dudes loved about you. That and your insane over-lip-moving enunciations of sentences.

46:26: This kid is legit the breakout star of this movie. “I’ll help you for two reasons. The first reason is, I’m too young to be sent to jail. The second reason is, you’ve got a lot of animal magnetism.”

47:25: THEN HE STICKS HIS HAND OUT FOR PIGGY TO TAKE HIS PULSE. Muahahahahahah. This kid is a gift to this movie.

49:43: It feels a little awkward for Monroe to be asking if three sleeping pills is enough.

52:08: I love that even after Monroe moves the glass from spilling water all over his pants that Russell just keeps emptying the pitcher. He can’t possibly be drunk enough after one drink to not see through this. “WHAT KIND OF DINNER PARTY IS THIS?”

57:27: So they just let him walk out of their cabin with the photos? No one noticed the large, yellow Kodak envelope he was carrying? Monroe deserves everything that happens to her.

1:04:14: Those kids are wearing fezzes. Fezzes are cool.

1:06:00: I will give this movie credit for this: At least in this cafe scene, people are realizing they’re singing and acting like it’s a performance. That’s my main issue with musicals … people just act like singing in the middle of a conversation is totally normal. However, them ditching on the check for that tiny cup of coffee is terrible.

1:08:20: “It’s men like you who have made me the way I am. And if you loved me at all, you’d feel sorry for the terrible troubles I’ve been through instead of holding them against me.” God, she’s delusional.

1:09:29: So I finally get what Madonna’s “Material Girl” video was referencing.

1:10:50: I don’t believe for a second that operatic song intro was Monroe singing. Not even a little.

1:19:10: Oh, Jane Russell, you minx. Dressing up in a blonde wig and a giant fur coat. Thankfully, the lawyer is super blind so you can pass.

1:20:02: I want to start saying “Thank you ever so” for no reason at all.

1:21: 39: This song would NOT continue in court for even four seconds, but she’s way better at this song than Monroe. And she’s sassy as all hell.

1:26:00: That whole courtroom scene was a trainwreck.

1:28:24: “I want to marry him for your money.”

1:30:15: Of course, there’s a dual wedding. And of course they bring the garbage “Little Rock” song back. Jane Russell has terrible taste in men.

Overall, this movie wasn’t terrible. That kid was a delight, and Jane Russell is right up there with Bette Davis for “favorite no-nonsense woman” so far. Marilyn Monroe makes me want to claw my eardrums out, but it wasn’t bad?

Next up: “What’s Up, Doc?”

‘Foul Play’

February 12, 2017

Stars: Chevy Chase, Goldie Hawn, Burgess Meredith

Rated: PG

Released: 1978

What I “know”: Honestly, nothing. I’ve never heard of this movie in my life. It was recommended by a friend when I asked about movies everyone should have seen, but I literally know not a thing.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Goldie Hawn shines as gentle librarian Gloria Mundy, who finds her peaceful and slightly boring existence shaken when she uncovers a plan to assassinate the Pope in this action-comedy inspired by Alfred Hitchcock thrillers. Fearing for her life, Gloria elicits the help of local cop Tony Carlson (Chevy Chase), who’s game enough to take on the strange case. Good thing, too, as matters morph from odd to bizarre and love blooms between the two.”

Never mind, I’m in 100 percent. Though the Hitchcock shoutout concerns me. Here’s hoping it’s more “Psycho” and less “Vertigo.”

TRAILER!

3:10: I, somehow, never noticed Goldie Hawn has a fivehead.

5:45: BARRY MANILOW MUSIC? I’m stoked. I love him, totally not ironically.

8:22: Oh, I like her in the giant ’70s glasses. That’s a good look for her. Sexy librarian, indeed.

11:20: I was going to say something about how even if she didn’t smoke, she’d notice that a pack of cigarettes was really heavy for only having three in it once he added the roll of film, but he got smart and just put them in her purse. That buys him a few minutes before she discovers the crazy plot that puts her on the path to love!

13:29: Ewwwww, dripping blood is always gross, but dripping blood on sweet, buttery, salty popcorn is a step too far.

15:56: So the people sitting behind her weren’t like, “Yeah, there was this guy, he came in, then his head lopped back, then she ran out and two other guys came and carried him out?” They didn’t think that was worth sharing? Just crazyshame the loopy blonde?

18:11: Awww, Burgess Meredith. So good.

19:07: Ix-nay on the ake-snay, please. I’m OK with spiders (I take a live-and-let-live philosophy there, especially for the good house ones … One lives in the top corner of my shower) but snakes are a no-go for me.

20:00: Why is no one noticing the 10-foot snake that is now climbing up on the coffee table between them?

20:09: Oh, I’m glad it’s his. I was going to have to question how the killer knew she’d be in his apartment … but never mind, it’s just a crazy old man with a pet serpent.

20:51: “Just scream and I’ll be upstairs in a flash, kicking ass” *loud screaming and flailing to show his asskicking skills*

24:35: OH NO, A DWARF SHOWED UP AT THE LIBRARY?

26:29: Man, she was right … that umbrella does pack quite a punch! Weird albino guy is weird.

27:27: MORE MANILOW. This soundtrack is amazing.

29:25: I just set down my lunch because I laughed so hard I spit a piece of lettuce out at “Here it is, my own little beaver trap.” Oh, Dudley Moore, you were a comedic gift.

31:50: Congratulations on having the gaudiest apartment in 1970s San Francisco, Dudley.

33:01: If Dudley Moore were a foot taller, I’d totally have a retro crush on him.

33:11: OMG THAT BED.

34:32: If this movie gets better than this scene right here, I may die. Honestly. I’m laughing so hard. He’s using binoculars on his own wall for like a soft-core porn he’s playing out of the cabinet next to his bed. I can’t.

36:03: Oh god, the inflatable doll floating away and him quietly saying “Please come back” just gutted me. Holy crapolies.

I can’t even do this whole thing justice. Here :

37:00: DO NOT WALK INTO YOUR APARTMENT IF THE DOOR IS ALREADY OPEN. I was willing to overlook the whole “picking up a hitchhiker” thing (though, to be fair, it would have avoided this whole mess which, I guess, would also undo the whole movie plot) but this is a step too far. Also, please lock the window that’s IN YOUR SHOWER.

41:31: I love that albino killed the guy who’s trying to kill her. I guess there’s good money in killing her and now they’re fighting over who gets to do it?

42:15: Holy crap, Brian Dennehy was young once?

43:15: The albino guy is a bait-and-switch, huh? Like Mr. Slugworth?

48:07: “You are a walking light bulb, waiting to be screwed.” God bless her crazy feminist friend who thinks all men are just on the planet to rape.

48:47: So wait, if the albino wanted her all along, why leave her in her apartment? Why not get the dead scar dude AND her and throw them both in the trunk? She was already unconscious. Seems safer than knocking her out on a street in broad daylight.

50:24: They had her pass out on her kitchen floor just for the boobs shaking, I’m 99 percent sure. Now they’re going to send her out in the rain in a white silky dress. Well played, moviemakers.

52:36: These old biddies playing Scrabble with curse words is my second favorite thing to happen so far in this movie.

58:46: I’m not going to lie, I’m impressed the little person could balance on a suitcase on wheels.

1:00:12: Sight gag of a little person hanging out of a window notwithstanding, why wouldn’t she just run out her front freaking door while he was over there fiddling with his suitcase. Also, I was 99 percent sure when he came in it’s a red herring. I’ll bet “The Dwarf” is a dwarf like Tiny Lister was tiny.

1:05:13: OK, so Stiltskin isn’t a giant man. I hope they work a Rumplestiltskin joke in here somewhere.

1:06:18: Do cops usually take people who are being murdered to the address where the vehicle being driven by people who want to murder them is registered? That seems like a questionable decision.

1:09:41: Stella, the man-hater, is so so damaged. Who hurt you, Stella? Who made you like this? “If they say they like you, it’s not so bad. It’s when they say ‘I love you’ that you’ve gotta watch out.”

1:10:34: I feel like if I’d known this Chevy Chase, I’d have been more forgiving of Chevy Chase now as a horrible human being. But instead, I watch this and I’m just like “You become a complete dick.” He’s smoother here than he is in the National Lampoon movies. Not as stupid.

1:19:22: So the cop who’s supposed to be guarding her just never shows up and she thinks nothing of it. Then he calls her, tells her to come someplace strange right away and hangs up and her thought is “Sounds legit?”

1:30:45: So Stiltskin sees the cabinets falling and still doesn’t move? Dope.

1:34:17: Goodness, Burgess Meredith was the bestest.

1:36:18: An oboe sighting! I played oboe for two years. I was terrible at it. Still, cool!

1:52:47: Dudley Moore is the second-bestest. Hiding when he saw Chevy’s badge and coming back up in sunglasses? Amazing.

I LOVE that movie. Thank you to whatever random friend figured out I would love a stupid slapstick movie. I love you a little. And thank you to my friend Linda, who organized my queue and gave me that after a movie about cloning Hitler. The tone change was nice. Love!

Next up: ‘All About Eve!’

‘This Is Spinal Tap’

January 29, 2017

Stars: Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, Rob Reiner

Rated: R

Released: 1984

What I “know:” It’s a mockumentary about a rock band. I know there’s a part about turning it up to 11 which has led to some giggles at work (long story no one cares about). As someone who has “Best in Show” in probably my 15 favorite movies, I’m excited.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Rob Reiner’s cult satire about a fictional heavy metal group named Spinal Tap spoofs nearly every face of rock ‘n’ roll — from vacuous modern songwriting and half-baked album promos to over-the-top pyrotechnics-filled concerts.”

I will say this: Normally as I do this top part, I’ve put the DVD in so it can run through all the pre-movie stuff while I type all this out. Then it just sits on the “Play movie” screen until I’m ready. This one I actually listened to as I typed because they had the guys talking about all the stuff. Good times. Also, I love that it’s less than 90 minutes. 😀

TRAILER!

1:41: I do not want the smells, Rob Reiner.

3:01: Harry Shearer should have kept that facial hair always. And Michael McKean should have kept that hair.

5:43: I’m going to need more information on this bizarre gardening incident. I mean, I don’t garden. But would like to warn my mother.

6:25: I hope their current drummer has good life insurance.

 

6:45: GAHHHH IT’S FRAN DRESCHER.

7:48: Note to self: If you ever have a dinner party, hire mimes to carry the finger food. That is amazing.

8:00: I also didn’t know Billy Crystal was in this. “Mime is money” indeed.

11:24: I don’t dig on rock ‘n’ roll, but I’d listen to them. At least I know what the songs are about. Not big on subtlety.

12:21: “They’re treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.” Hey, they know what people like. Don’t judge them for that.

13:26: I love that they’re so clueless that they have no album and gigs are getting canceled and they’re just like “oh, all right.”

14:36: No lie, I’m pretty sure that cover (or something similar) has been done. A greased up naked woman on a dog collar with a hand shoving a glove in her face? Seems tame. “You should have seen the cover they wanted to do. It wasn’t a glove, believe me.” hahahaha.

16:04: “Both Sears and Kmart stores have refused to handle the album.” Hahahah oh 1982. Jesus, wait, that 35 years ago? God I’m old.

18:38: “We’ve got armadillos in our trousers.” Yikes.

21:23: You know, if Nigel could have had some non-folding sandwiches, he could have stood up on his own. #freenigel

 

23:29: Nigel is my favorite. By far. The 11 scene isn’t even his best so far.

24:53: Howard Hesseman! Yes!

27:21: So they went from 12,000 seat arenas to 1200 seat clubs, and the manager is asked if that means their popularity is waning. After stumbling for two seconds, he says “Their appeal is just becoming more selective.” #alternativefacts

32:43: Haha another dead drummer. He exploded on stage? WTF?

33:00: I’ve also learned that, oddly enough, only their heavy metal part is the sound of theirs I like. Weird.

37:00: Awww poor Derek can’t get out of his cocoon!

39:12: The good: Martin asks the drummer if he fears for his life. The bad: He’s in a bathtub. Someone’s going to drop something electrical in there, aren’t they? Oh good, he survived … today.

43:58: Wait, tinfoil doesn’t actually set off the metal detector, does it? Poor Derek.

45:01: I’m assuming these guys wrote these songs, which are amazing.

45:45: Paul Shaffer? I literally didn’t know this many people were in this movie. Well, this many famous people.

48:37: Jesus, that’s one of my worst fears: Being lost in a building and not being able to get out. It’s why when I go someplace I always try to get someone to meet me. I’m terrible at direction.

54:45: I noticed he wrote 18″ instead of 18′ on the napkin, so I giggled loudly when she was like ‘I don’t understand, I built it to your specifications.’ Followed by Ian saying “Fuck the napkin!”

56:22: Christopher Guest is a very pretty man with that gold eyeshadow on. Just saying.

57:05: HAHAHA David’s face when he sees the prop.

1:00:49: Well, Ian made it further than I would have. Good on him. Also, I’m pretty sure Jeanine and Nina Blackwood were separated at birth.

1:02:51: No, Nigel and David, don’t break up. Jeanine is Yoko.

1:04:34: Yessssss Fred Willard. Always a welcome sight.

1:07:50: RIP Nigel’s career. And Spinal Tap’s. *sad buzzer*

1:08:31: HAHHA Puppet Show and Spinal Tap. Oh god. How sad.

1:09:56: The one dude giving the thumbs down is cracking me up. I know he’s probably hard to pick out of the giant crowd, but here:

1:12:43: NIGEL! NIGEL! NIGEL!

1:14:53: David sucks butt.

1:16:21: OK, now he sucks a little less butt. But Jeanine is still the worst.

1:16:44: Hahaah the drummer finally bit it.

They were all reunited at the end … how sweet. Jeanine can suck it. I will just say that all their accents were AMAZING. Never made me say “that sounds weird.” Then again, I’m not British. But it passed muster with me. I’d put this second to “Best in Show” for me, but ahead of “Waiting for Guffman.” Well ahead of “A Mighty Wind,” which I really disliked.

Next up: “The Boys from Brazil!”

‘History of the World: Part 1’

November 14, 2016

Stars: Mel Brooks, Dom DeLuise, Madeline Kahn, Harvey Korman, Cloris Leachman

Rated: R

Released: 1981

What I “know:” It’s Mel Brooks. And as someone who loves “Spaceballs,” I’m excited. I know I could use a few laughs after this week, and last night’s “Saturday Night Live” with Dave Chapelle helped … but I’m ready to laugh at things that don’t even tangentially involve the election. So yeah, what I know is it’s a Mel Brooks movie, and it has to do with history?

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Mel Brooks’s comic genius is unleashed in spades in this episodic spoof of history’s seminal moments (narrated by Orson Welles), which begins with a brilliant send-up of the cinematic classic “2001: A Space Odyssey.” Brooks goes on to lampoon the Stone Age, the Roman Empire, the Spanish Inquisition and ends with a clever takeoff on the French Revolution.

So two thoughts that may not make this the best movie for me to liveblog, so feel free to abort if you want: 1. Based solely on “Spaceballs” (the only Brooks film I’ve seen) I don’t know how many … takes I’ll have? Just kind of feels like “gag, gag, gag, line of dialogue, gag” which doesn’t really lend itself to me figuring out how things fit together; and 2. I’ve admitted previously I’m not a history person. So some things that are hilarious to others may just go over my head.

Trailer!

2:09: Never mind, first bit had me laughing. Well done, apemen. Nothing says “Settle into your seats for an award-winning classic, moviegoers of 1981” like masturbation.

6:25: This movie is really weird to me. It’s like if a fifth-grader made skits to go with his history textbook. I don’t get it. Bring me Darth Helmet!

8:06: So apparently they learned to speak thanks to a rock falling on someone’s foot? Awesome.

9:13: Does anyone know what Commandments 11-15 were? I feel like I probably have racked up a few more sins I’m not getting credit for.

9:38: I half-smiled at the “V and X Cent Store” for what it’s worth (15 cents).

11:40: Nice cameos by Hugh Hefner and Bea Arthur though. I will never not love Bea Arthur.

13:00: See, the humor is in the language, not the sight gags. “N-v-t-s nuts” made me laugh.

14:00: Man, that Gregory Hines guy sure could dance. Also, the first sight gag hits … and it involves his junk.

19:42: Madeline Kahn was a gift to the world. Only she can make gum-smacking and crudeness work .. my hero.

23:38: I was very hit or miss on Dom DeLuise whenever I’d see him. Sometimes funny, sometimes not. This is … a not? I don’t know. I sometimes go for over the top, but this isn’t it.

33:36: No, seriously, Madeline Kahn was amazing. The whole “pick your escorts for the orgy” bit was awesome.

37:44: I must have missed the whole “Gregory Hines was a funny guy” thing.

38:35: Welllllll the more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess?

42:41: Good ol’ Miracle. Not going to lie, the scene with the whipping made me nauseous, but I’m glad that beautiful horse is about to save these mischievous scamps.

43:11: I hope if I’m ever in a swordfight and all I have are props, that I’ll come up with a line to follow “Goodbye, head!” like “Hello, balls!” and then a swift kick.

45:40: Of course the black man smells “something familiar” and pulls them over to roll the largest blunt in history. Man, the ’80s were a weird time for racial stereotyping. Then again, it was a white guy walking through town with a boombox, I think? So maybe not. I think “Blazing Saddles” is in my queue and I don’t feel like it’s going to have aged well for a first-time viewer.

52:34: The “Who’s on First” thing with Jesus didn’t work for me, but I snorted at him getting in on the Last Supper painting.

52:56: On to the Spanish Inquisition. All I know about it is that no one expects it.

55:24: I started to like this movie once we got to the Roman part and out of the cavemen part, but I’ll be honest … I wish there were more musical numbers. P.S. Go watch “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” on the CW.

No, but seriously. That’s freaking great.

1:12:13: Look, I know it’s kind of Mel Brooks’s thing to push buttons and stuff. But this whole French Revolution segment is making me REALLY uncomfortable. “You don’t put out, he don’t get out” about her father sentenced to death? Gross.

Yeah, that didn’t end well. I’d rank the segments as 1. Spanish Inquisition (I love a musical number); 2. Roman Empire; 3. Stone Age; 4. French Revolution. I’m going to put this well behind “Spaceballs” in my “list” of Brooks movies I’ve seen, but I really enjoyed the middle part, and it was good to just see some weird, joke-filled fun. I needed it.

Next up: “Jurassic Park!”

‘How to Marry a Milloinaire’

October 29, 2016

Stars: Lauren Bacall, Betty Grable, Marilyn Monroe

Rated: NR

Released: 1953

What I “know”: Very little, but that’s some damn star power. Also, I’m VERY excited to have a 95-minute movie, and a comedy. I need this.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In this classic comedy, three New York models (Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable and Lauren Bacall) set up an apartment with a mission: They plan to use their looks, charm and talent to catch and marry a trio of millionaires. The gold-digging dames’ outrageous man-hunting scheme does attract wealthy candidates, but love and money don’t appear to coexist; all three women must choose between the extremes.”

First off, I accidentally typed “god-digging,” which is a totally different movie. Also, this sounds more and more like exactly what I need right now. Super psyched. Double also, I’ve never seen anything with Monroe or Grable in it, and I’ve only seen Bacall in “Casablanca,” which I hated. So I’m double excited.

Trailer!

I try not to watch the trailers any more, as I don’t want things spoiled. But I started this one just to make sure it’s not just labeled wrong and man … they sure liked to advertise the technology and stuff with words. I think I made it 42 seconds in and it was still just words on the screen about Cinemascope. Good luck, y’all!

00:43: So I just learned that that incessant selling of Cinemascope in the trailer was the first scene of the movie (minus the 400 words). just a giant giant GIANT freaking orchestra. I need some zany dames! None of this classy junk.

2:02: Seriously, did I get the wrong disc? Is this just a concert performance? What is happening here?

3:01: Ummmmm… still just an orchestra? No credits, no nothing. Just literally an orchestra.

5:02: This movie is an hour and 35 minutes. That means that SO FAR the first 1/19th of this movie has just been an orchestra. And that 1:35 counts things like the closing credits. I really feel like I should have fast-forwarded by now. If I’d been alive in the ’50s and gone to see this in the theater, I’d be pissed if I could have waited a little longer for fresh popcorn.

5:51: The conductor turned around and bowed. I thought it was over. THEN HE RAISED HIS BATON AGAIN. WTF is even going on in this thing????? Marilyn Monroe better be hiding in a timpani.

6:05: WAIT THAT WAS LEGITIMATELY JUST AN INTRO TO THE CREDITS? Go home, 1953, you’re wasting my life.

6:41: Musical direction is by Alfred Newman. It makes sense now. It’s all an elaborate ruse. Where’s Spy vs. Spy?

alfred

7:12: Finally the movie starts. Egads.

7:46: Ooooh this movie ALSO shows my favorite bridge in Central Park. Not all is forgiven, but some. So pretty!

8:20: If you took the “under” on the 8-minute line for the first bit of dialogue, I’m sorry for your loss.

9:02: The doorknob is in the middle of the door? Is that a thing? Was it a thing? Is that a New York thing? So weird. Nice apartment though. If these chicks can afford this apartment for their scam, they don’t need millionaires.

11:23: Oh, Marilyn. Those are pretty nice glasses. No need to hide your blindness just to catch you a man. After all, as soon as you shake hands with his lamp, he’s going to know you can’t see shit.

12:30: Never mind, don’t wear the glasses. Apparently men will buy your week’s worth of groceries if you’re not wearing glasses.

14:11: “The next thing you’ve got to remember is that a gentleman you meet among the cold cuts is simply not as attractive as, say, one that you meet in the mink department at Bergdorf’s.” No. 1, why is there a whole department for mink? No. 2, I’d be wary of any man hanging about in the mink department. Probably a furry. No. 3, how do three models in NYC not recognize a dude whose last name is on a building?

14:45: I’m just going to type this in verbatim and bite my tongue on what a dolt she is. This is Bacall, or Mrs. Paige (Page? No clue) on her ex-husband: “I was absolutely nuts about that guy and you know what he did to me? First off, he gives me a phony name. Second, it turns out he was already married. Third, from the second the preacher said “Amen,” he never did another tap (?) of work. The next thing I knew he’d stolen my television set and given it to a carhop. And when I asked him how’s about that he hits me with a chicken!” WTF, ladies? I don’t think money is your real problem with men.

15:38: In her defense, I do use more brains in picking horses in races than I do in choosing men. Point, Bacall.

16:37: “Well if you don’t marry him, you haven’t caught him … he’s caught you.” Bacall, pre-feminism. And I present Betty Grable:

giphy

18:32: I feel like Bacall’s the mom and Grable and Monroe are her ditzy Chrissy Snow-like daughters. I guess I shouldn’t expect a 1950s rom-com about gold-diggers to showcase really deep characters, but come on.

20:13: Bacall’s bitching that they’re not engaged after three months, let alone married. Good lord, things moved quickly back then. Also, hard to get engaged if your gentleman caller has nowhere to sit because you’ve had to sell everything from your furnished apartment to buy a loaf of bread.

29:26: God, these women are vapid. I get it, it’s the time and the models and blah blah blah. But I like Grable the best. She’s charming as hell. And it’s good to see that Marilyn Monroe plays understated with her outfit.

monroe2

32:30: It oddly cracks me up that Marilyn Monroe’s dream of her wealthy future with her one-eyed husband starts with a gold plane and ends with an Arabian prince just handing her armfuls of jewels.

33:31: HAHAHAHAH Grable’s is a hot sandwich and a beer. I knew I liked her!

35:29: Monroe is rocking some serious stripper heels in this bathing suit modeling gig she’s doing. Clear sole and heel, strappy? Ahead of her time, I say.

37:31: These outfits in this fashion show thing are RIDICULOUS. I hope these aren’t indicative of the times.

45:14: Betty Grable is a petulant child in this scene in the lodge, but I love that she’s a.) walking around all normal until she smells the rum; b.) then decides she’s on death’s door and she has a 102-degree temperature. When I’m at 102, I’m dead to the world.

47:01: Cut back to NYC and some sneaky guy in a cab in the pouring rain with a hat, trenchcoat and sunglasses. He rolls down the window in the back seat, looks out, then gets out the other door … leaving the window down. What a jerk! He’s apparently Mr. Denmark but I don’t remember who that is? The apartment’s owner? I can’t remember. Ah, yes, income tax reference, that’s him.

48:36: So wait, they’re really just subletting and they sold THIS guy’s stuff? That’s some sketchy stuff there, Bacall.

52:02: Bacall is 25 in this movie like I’m 25 now. PS I’m 40. Holy crap, I just googled, and she was only 29. Cripes, she aged QUICKLY. I honestly would have put her in late 30s. Did she not have a “dewy young” stage??

55:28: The special effects in this movie are awesome. They’re “skiing” downhill by standing in front of a moving screen with fans blowing on them. Love it. Also, Grable sure is active for someone with the measles.

56:56: Wait, so she’s better and now he has measles? And the guy said she’d be better in “a couple of weeks?” So they’ve been at this cabin for at least 2-3 weeks, they’ve got a housekeeper of some sort … and this guy’s wife doesn’t care that he’s just gone and sick to death without her? What is even going on in this movie?

58:07: I’m back on Team Grable after her big thing with poor people not disinheriting their kids.

1:00:11: I’m 2/3 of the way through this movie and I’m calling shenanigans on the Netflix sleeve. It said they’d have to choose between love and money … Grable’s ‘poor’ guy owns a crapton of land, Bacall’s ‘poor’ guy has a whole building named after his family and Monroe doesn’t even have a ‘poor’ guy. They’re just choosing between rich and slightly less rich. Also, Bacall’s rich guy dumped her and Grable’s rich guy is married. This whole premise is off!

1:00:55: So Bacall’s rich guy found all the original furniture, months later, like it hadn’t been resold. SHENANIGANS, I TELL YOU.

1:02:35: Monroe’s “rich” boyfriend doesn’t even have one eye? He’s pretending to be blind, and she’s pretending to see. Oh, you crazy kids.

1:0something: “I already think you’re quite a strudel.” Man, the ’50s were weird. (there must be a scratch on my DVD, it skips this scene, so I found it on YouTube). I guess Monroe’s ‘poor’ man is the guy evading the IRS.

Also, I’m a little sad now. Previously, the only time I’d ever seen Marilyn Monroe in a moving picture was her singing Happy Birthday to JFK. Now … I’m just saddened by who she had to be. The breathy, ditzy blonde with the killer figure. Poor Norma Jeane.

1:10:51: “I don’t even own a bush.” Oh, Grable, you chose the Jim Breuer lookalike who lives in a shack.

1:13:20: So Grable’s rich dude has friends willing to pay for telegrams to cover up his cheating? Good friends.

1:17:13: God bless Grable for jumping in the photos and basically ending that dude’s marriage.

1:20:20: I oddly also love that Bacall has sold this guy’s stuff, twice, while she still has all her fancy clothes and fur coats.

1:29:15: Mr. Hanley with my life’s motto: “That’s one of the few advantages of age. Disappointments become a normal part of life.” PREACH.

1:35:19: And, of course, we close with the gotdamn orchestra.

I WISH the movie had been more like the last 20 minutes throughout. I really liked the last 20 minutes as it became more fluid and made more sense. I just couldn’t get into it early and I really hated the women. Well, except for Grable … well, Grable except for her fit at the lodge. The last 20 minutes, though, were gold. I liked the pacing of it, and the interplay in the conversations. Just wish it hadn’t taken so long to get there. I also feel like Mr. Hanley was the best dude in this movie. I’m glad he got out of it with only losing some cash instead of part of his life to Bacall.

More importantly … next up is a return to Robert Redford with “Jeremiah Johnson.” I had never heard of this movie until a friend told me I should watch it when I went full-on Redford fangirl after “The Way We Were,” so here we are.

‘Roman Holiday

October 2, 2016

Stars: Audrey Hepburn, Gregory Peck

Rated: NR

Released: 1953

What I “know”: Audrey Hepburn takes a holiday. In Rome? With Gregory Peck? Because ageism is a thing that happens in movies and so nubile young women get to fall in love with old men? And I say that as someone who LOVES “Gone With the Wind” more than life. Meh, I just googled both and he was 37 to her 24 when this was released, so maybe it’s not AS gross as like a 50-year-old, but she still looked 17 and it’s still a little skeevetastic.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Princess Ann leaves her guardians, and while in Rome, she’s taken under the wing of tabloid writer Joe and his photographer sidekick. She thinks the boys don’t know who she really is, but they’re onto (sic) her — and sense a sensational story.” You know, I put the (sic) in there for the typo of onto vs. on to, but from the images I saw while picking one to top this, I feel like “onto” might be right after all. Gross. Sorry. I will say, skeevometer aside, I am very excited about this movie. I love old-timey romantic comedies, and I need something light and fun after my last few movies for this blog. Heeeere we go. #slickrick

00:13: “Presenting Gregory Peck?” This wasn’t his first movie. Why is he being presented? Isn’t that like “introducing?” Feels weird. Edit: Thank you, Wikipedia. “Peck’s contract gave him solo star billing, with newcomer Hepburn listed much less prominently in the credits. Halfway through the filming, Peck suggested to Wyler that he elevate her to equal billing—an almost unheard-of gesture in Hollywood.”

2:03: Her wave is everything. Like not the stiff, beauty queen wave, but like an “I couldn’t care less so I’m just kind of bobbling my wrist at you peasants” wave. Bless you, Princess Ann.

I went to go look for a clip of just her wave (YouTube has some weird stuff, don’t judge me) and THIS WAS THE TRAILER. I mean, it’s obviously done after the movie was released since it mentions her Academy Award win, but lord, this is amazing. They just call him Greg!

2:35: There’s a band running through the streets while playing. Step up your game, HS marching bands.

3:30: God, she was a stunningly beautiful woman.

5:11: No wonder she ran. I’m exhausted just watching her greet like eight of these people.

6:11: I mean, her shoe has a nice thick heel, but it’s still a heel. Bless her for kicking it off. And screw the judgmental hoity-toities who are sitting around her, judging her when it’s out there for show. Take yours off too! Do as the royals do! I’m torn on the guy who helped her though … sure, he helped her get her shoe on. But then he made her dance in the Shoes of Death!

10:00: Getting a little Scarlett O’Hara in her tantrum. Loving it. The launch into it was … not the best acting I’ve ever seen? But I love a thrashing rich girl complaining about being given things. And I did laugh at her “Thank you” “No thank you” string.

16:48: Doped-up princess just cut through someone’s horse-drawn carriage! That takes longer than just going around. Calm yourself, crazy girl.

17:00: That is the smallest poker table I’ve ever seen.

poker

22:39: Her wave was everything. Now the taxi driver is everything. “Three bambinos. You know bambinos? Hmm hmm *waaaaaaaah*” I love him. I hope he shows up again.

28:32: I feel like this isn’t the first time ol’ Joe has had to babysit someone who was without their full faculties. His reflexes are strong. AND I laughed out loud at least three times. I like!

30:13: When he flipped her out of the bed and on to the couch, I half-expected her to not be wearing the bottoms since she had asked earlier about sleeping in pajamas, but only the tops. Sadly, she’s fully dressed. She also has all his blankets now. This was not well thought out by Joe.

33:27: Joe bullshitting to his boss is all of us, at one point or another.

39:01: “I plan to enter her sick room disguised as a thermometer.” Oh, Joe. You rascal, you.

39:30: Gregory Peck looks like if someone spliced the DNA of Drew Scott (“Property Brothers”) with Topher Grace. It’s really weird.

46:52: HAHAAHA she felt for the bottoms of the pajamas once she came to. Perfect.

49:16: I don’t know if this is a royal thing or a 50’s thing, but lady, you’re in pajamas from head to foot. You don’t need to walk backward into the bathroom so he can’t see your pajama-clad booty.

52:30: How long was Joe on the phone that his cleaning lady berated his houseguest AND cleaned the whole joint before he got back? Bad time management, Joe.

55:15: I like that Joe has a little stalker in him.

59:47: I like a little less that he’s creepy with kids and tries to steal stuff from them.

1:06:25: “It was the 40th anniversary of the m…of the day he got his job.” This is the face of someone who thinks they’re more clever than they are:

img_20161002_170226660

1:09:38: Irving is an idiot. You can’t say “I can take a hint” and then steadfastly refuse to take the hint. Idiot. Then again, the princess isn’t real bright either, but I do cut her some slack for being sheltered and not speaking American English slang.

1:10:47: “We can’t go running around town with the hot princess!” OK, on that point Irving is markedly smarter than Joe.

1:13:30: Where’d they get a scooter? Where’s Irving? He just blew off his girlfriend and ran after them and they just ditched him? Poor Irving. Always gets cut out of the fun scenes.

1:13:49: Well, they found Irving. He must have taken a taxi. Hope he got the same driver!

1:14:35: Nope, never mind, he’s in the weirdest car ever. It’s like it’s a rolltop desk, in mini-car form. Europe is weird. And he is a very unsafe driver, standing up and turning around to take a picture … My AAA mobile app would not give him very good scores for that part.

1:15:44: Women drivers, amirite?

1:17:05: Why was the whole scene with the cops silent? I’d love to know why being a reporter gets you excused from crimes. Seriously, I’d love to know. Please?

1:17:30: Did she just totally gloss over the fact he’s a reporter? Seriously? Silly girl.

1:19:45: Face on the wall: “I’ve just been violated by a 37-year-old man and his teenage crush. FML.”

img_20161002_173248329

1:20:03: OK, so in the rolltop car, Ol’ Joe is standing up in the back, reaches over the top to open the door from the outside while still being inside the car, then folds himself into fifths to squeeze out the door instead of just, I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here, but STEPPING OUT OF THE BACK OF THE DAMN CAR.

1:29:30: This fight scene on the boat and dock between the undercovers and our raggedy protagonists is AMAZING.

1:30:10: Fine, Irving won me over with the “Hit ’em again, Smitty!” part.

1:30:41: I also laughed at the police pulling the one guy out by the guitar over his head. I love these kinds of movies!

1:32:03: Hey Joe, rather than plant your giant face on hers, maybe a good first step would have been to cover your bases with a “What was that all about?” or a “Why were those guys trying to kidnap you?” Yeesh.

1:33:03: Joe sees her in a paisley, silky robe: “Suits you. You should always wear my clothes.” “Seems I do.” Lord, why does he have a robe like that?

1:34:56: So he just casually drops he’ll move to a place with a kitchen so she can cook for him … Does he really see this ending with them  living a dream life? She’s a royal on the lam. You can’t just live the next 40 years like she’s not.

1:38:57: Forget everything I just wrote. Joe, you hightail it out of there with her still in the car. DO IT FOR 24-HOUR LOVE.

1:44:14: Nope, Irving’s a buffoon. HOW IS HE NOT GETTING THIS. “Hmm my friend had chemistry with the princess, she’s not here any more, he doesn’t want to write the story … what could be the reason?”

1:51:28: This is way better than the press conference in “Notting Hill,” which was just a nightmare.

vs.

1:56:13: That last moment, with the tears welling up in her eyes … gah.

Well THAT was a melancholy ending. I know it couldn’t happen, but I still wanted her to run after him. This is my second-favorite movie of the ones I’ve done for this blog, and that’s only because I’m 99 percent sure nothing will touch “All the President’s Men.” But what a delightful little romp this was. I love silly miscommunications and sight gags and misdirections. When I finally finish the like 170 movies on my queue in 2048, I will go back and watch all the other 1950s movies just because. This was a great call, and much love to whatever friend put this on my list. I owe you.

Next up: Wuthering Heights!