Stars: Lauren Bacall, Betty Grable, Marilyn Monroe
Rated: NR
Released: 1953
What I “know”: Very little, but that’s some damn star power. Also, I’m VERY excited to have a 95-minute movie, and a comedy. I need this.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In this classic comedy, three New York models (Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable and Lauren Bacall) set up an apartment with a mission: They plan to use their looks, charm and talent to catch and marry a trio of millionaires. The gold-digging dames’ outrageous man-hunting scheme does attract wealthy candidates, but love and money don’t appear to coexist; all three women must choose between the extremes.”
First off, I accidentally typed “god-digging,” which is a totally different movie. Also, this sounds more and more like exactly what I need right now. Super psyched. Double also, I’ve never seen anything with Monroe or Grable in it, and I’ve only seen Bacall in “Casablanca,” which I hated. So I’m double excited.
Trailer!
I try not to watch the trailers any more, as I don’t want things spoiled. But I started this one just to make sure it’s not just labeled wrong and man … they sure liked to advertise the technology and stuff with words. I think I made it 42 seconds in and it was still just words on the screen about Cinemascope. Good luck, y’all!
00:43: So I just learned that that incessant selling of Cinemascope in the trailer was the first scene of the movie (minus the 400 words). just a giant giant GIANT freaking orchestra. I need some zany dames! None of this classy junk.
2:02: Seriously, did I get the wrong disc? Is this just a concert performance? What is happening here?
3:01: Ummmmm… still just an orchestra? No credits, no nothing. Just literally an orchestra.
5:02: This movie is an hour and 35 minutes. That means that SO FAR the first 1/19th of this movie has just been an orchestra. And that 1:35 counts things like the closing credits. I really feel like I should have fast-forwarded by now. If I’d been alive in the ’50s and gone to see this in the theater, I’d be pissed if I could have waited a little longer for fresh popcorn.
5:51: The conductor turned around and bowed. I thought it was over. THEN HE RAISED HIS BATON AGAIN. WTF is even going on in this thing????? Marilyn Monroe better be hiding in a timpani.
6:05: WAIT THAT WAS LEGITIMATELY JUST AN INTRO TO THE CREDITS? Go home, 1953, you’re wasting my life.
6:41: Musical direction is by Alfred Newman. It makes sense now. It’s all an elaborate ruse. Where’s Spy vs. Spy?
7:12: Finally the movie starts. Egads.
7:46: Ooooh this movie ALSO shows my favorite bridge in Central Park. Not all is forgiven, but some. So pretty!
8:20: If you took the “under” on the 8-minute line for the first bit of dialogue, I’m sorry for your loss.
9:02: The doorknob is in the middle of the door? Is that a thing? Was it a thing? Is that a New York thing? So weird. Nice apartment though. If these chicks can afford this apartment for their scam, they don’t need millionaires.
11:23: Oh, Marilyn. Those are pretty nice glasses. No need to hide your blindness just to catch you a man. After all, as soon as you shake hands with his lamp, he’s going to know you can’t see shit.
12:30: Never mind, don’t wear the glasses. Apparently men will buy your week’s worth of groceries if you’re not wearing glasses.
14:11: “The next thing you’ve got to remember is that a gentleman you meet among the cold cuts is simply not as attractive as, say, one that you meet in the mink department at Bergdorf’s.” No. 1, why is there a whole department for mink? No. 2, I’d be wary of any man hanging about in the mink department. Probably a furry. No. 3, how do three models in NYC not recognize a dude whose last name is on a building?
14:45: I’m just going to type this in verbatim and bite my tongue on what a dolt she is. This is Bacall, or Mrs. Paige (Page? No clue) on her ex-husband: “I was absolutely nuts about that guy and you know what he did to me? First off, he gives me a phony name. Second, it turns out he was already married. Third, from the second the preacher said “Amen,” he never did another tap (?) of work. The next thing I knew he’d stolen my television set and given it to a carhop. And when I asked him how’s about that he hits me with a chicken!” WTF, ladies? I don’t think money is your real problem with men.
15:38: In her defense, I do use more brains in picking horses in races than I do in choosing men. Point, Bacall.
16:37: “Well if you don’t marry him, you haven’t caught him … he’s caught you.” Bacall, pre-feminism. And I present Betty Grable:
18:32: I feel like Bacall’s the mom and Grable and Monroe are her ditzy Chrissy Snow-like daughters. I guess I shouldn’t expect a 1950s rom-com about gold-diggers to showcase really deep characters, but come on.
20:13: Bacall’s bitching that they’re not engaged after three months, let alone married. Good lord, things moved quickly back then. Also, hard to get engaged if your gentleman caller has nowhere to sit because you’ve had to sell everything from your furnished apartment to buy a loaf of bread.
29:26: God, these women are vapid. I get it, it’s the time and the models and blah blah blah. But I like Grable the best. She’s charming as hell. And it’s good to see that Marilyn Monroe plays understated with her outfit.
32:30: It oddly cracks me up that Marilyn Monroe’s dream of her wealthy future with her one-eyed husband starts with a gold plane and ends with an Arabian prince just handing her armfuls of jewels.
33:31: HAHAHAHAH Grable’s is a hot sandwich and a beer. I knew I liked her!
35:29: Monroe is rocking some serious stripper heels in this bathing suit modeling gig she’s doing. Clear sole and heel, strappy? Ahead of her time, I say.
37:31: These outfits in this fashion show thing are RIDICULOUS. I hope these aren’t indicative of the times.
45:14: Betty Grable is a petulant child in this scene in the lodge, but I love that she’s a.) walking around all normal until she smells the rum; b.) then decides she’s on death’s door and she has a 102-degree temperature. When I’m at 102, I’m dead to the world.
47:01: Cut back to NYC and some sneaky guy in a cab in the pouring rain with a hat, trenchcoat and sunglasses. He rolls down the window in the back seat, looks out, then gets out the other door … leaving the window down. What a jerk! He’s apparently Mr. Denmark but I don’t remember who that is? The apartment’s owner? I can’t remember. Ah, yes, income tax reference, that’s him.
48:36: So wait, they’re really just subletting and they sold THIS guy’s stuff? That’s some sketchy stuff there, Bacall.
52:02: Bacall is 25 in this movie like I’m 25 now. PS I’m 40. Holy crap, I just googled, and she was only 29. Cripes, she aged QUICKLY. I honestly would have put her in late 30s. Did she not have a “dewy young” stage??
55:28: The special effects in this movie are awesome. They’re “skiing” downhill by standing in front of a moving screen with fans blowing on them. Love it. Also, Grable sure is active for someone with the measles.
56:56: Wait, so she’s better and now he has measles? And the guy said she’d be better in “a couple of weeks?” So they’ve been at this cabin for at least 2-3 weeks, they’ve got a housekeeper of some sort … and this guy’s wife doesn’t care that he’s just gone and sick to death without her? What is even going on in this movie?
58:07: I’m back on Team Grable after her big thing with poor people not disinheriting their kids.
1:00:11: I’m 2/3 of the way through this movie and I’m calling shenanigans on the Netflix sleeve. It said they’d have to choose between love and money … Grable’s ‘poor’ guy owns a crapton of land, Bacall’s ‘poor’ guy has a whole building named after his family and Monroe doesn’t even have a ‘poor’ guy. They’re just choosing between rich and slightly less rich. Also, Bacall’s rich guy dumped her and Grable’s rich guy is married. This whole premise is off!
1:00:55: So Bacall’s rich guy found all the original furniture, months later, like it hadn’t been resold. SHENANIGANS, I TELL YOU.
1:02:35: Monroe’s “rich” boyfriend doesn’t even have one eye? He’s pretending to be blind, and she’s pretending to see. Oh, you crazy kids.
1:0something: “I already think you’re quite a strudel.” Man, the ’50s were weird. (there must be a scratch on my DVD, it skips this scene, so I found it on YouTube). I guess Monroe’s ‘poor’ man is the guy evading the IRS.
Also, I’m a little sad now. Previously, the only time I’d ever seen Marilyn Monroe in a moving picture was her singing Happy Birthday to JFK. Now … I’m just saddened by who she had to be. The breathy, ditzy blonde with the killer figure. Poor Norma Jeane.
1:10:51: “I don’t even own a bush.” Oh, Grable, you chose the Jim Breuer lookalike who lives in a shack.
1:13:20: So Grable’s rich dude has friends willing to pay for telegrams to cover up his cheating? Good friends.
1:17:13: God bless Grable for jumping in the photos and basically ending that dude’s marriage.
1:20:20: I oddly also love that Bacall has sold this guy’s stuff, twice, while she still has all her fancy clothes and fur coats.
1:29:15: Mr. Hanley with my life’s motto: “That’s one of the few advantages of age. Disappointments become a normal part of life.” PREACH.
1:35:19: And, of course, we close with the gotdamn orchestra.
I WISH the movie had been more like the last 20 minutes throughout. I really liked the last 20 minutes as it became more fluid and made more sense. I just couldn’t get into it early and I really hated the women. Well, except for Grable … well, Grable except for her fit at the lodge. The last 20 minutes, though, were gold. I liked the pacing of it, and the interplay in the conversations. Just wish it hadn’t taken so long to get there. I also feel like Mr. Hanley was the best dude in this movie. I’m glad he got out of it with only losing some cash instead of part of his life to Bacall.
More importantly … next up is a return to Robert Redford with “Jeremiah Johnson.” I had never heard of this movie until a friend told me I should watch it when I went full-on Redford fangirl after “The Way We Were,” so here we are.
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