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‘Play Misty for Me’

May 2, 2017

Stars: Clint Eastwood, Donna Mills, Jessica Walter

Rated: R

Released: 1971

What I “know”: I have literally never heard of this movie. My friend Linda, who suggested it, told me this week it’s a thriller AND it’s sub-two hours, so I’m excited about that last part. I hope “thriller” isn’t code for “horror” or “nightmare-inducing” because I do not do well with scary movies.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Silver-tongued radio disc jockey Dave (Clint Eastwood) can’t help but notice the persistent calls from a female to “play ‘Misty’ for me.” But a chance meeting with infatuated fan Evelyn leads to a brief and steamy love affair. Dave quickly learns he’s in for more than a little night music, and that Evelyn will stop at nothing — even the return of one of Dave’s old flames — to have him all to herself. The film marks Eastwood’s directorial debut.”

So it’s a little “Fatal Attraction”-y? Which I also haven’t seen, BTW. I’m in. Not a huge Eastwood girl, but not sure I’ve ever really seen him in anything. Aside from talking to an empty chair. Just went through his credits … I think I saw one of the “Any Which Way” movies when I was younger, and I saw parts of “Million Dollar Baby,” but nope. I’ve never seen an Eastwood movie that I can remember.

WAIT A SECOND. The mom from “Arrested Development” is the stalker? YASSS. I’m all-in now. If I were a larger “AD” fan, I’d insert lines during this. But I like it plenty.

TRAILER!

1:26: A movie about a stalker starts with the main character gazing off a deck into a rocky shoreline below? That’s foreshadowing, folks.

4:16: Fun fact: I’m petrified of bridges. And this opening, with the shaky camera and the aerial shots of the horrifying bridges? It’s not great.

4:48: Oooooh “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” is an AMAZING song.

6:30: The good: Clint Eastwood’s voice was better in the ’70s than it is now. The bad: It’s still not a DJ’s voice. And no, I’m not going to do a “the ugly,” thank you very much. Low-hanging fruit.

8:11: There was a period in my life where I thought I’d like to be a DJ. I talk a lot. I could make it work. But watching him settle in for five hours, overnight, alone in that little studio? Ugh, I’d lose my mind.

9:54: What is this weird-ass game they’re playing at the bar? Anyone?

10:45: I love Lucille Bluth with a ’70s shag cut.

13:18: “You don’t want to complicate your life.” “That’s exactly right.” “Neither do I, but that’s no reason why we shouldn’t sleep together tonight if we feel like it.” Get you some, Evelyn.

13:29: GAH. I actually said “Gah!” out loud during that kiss. What was THAT? I think my first kiss was better than that. Yikes.

13:30: Uh, I just saw Lucille Bluth’s nipple. I’m not OK with that.

13:56: Serious question: How can Scott Eastwood look so much like his dad but also be so damn sexy when Clint Eastwood is neither attractive nor sexy to me?

15:57: Uh, even if I didn’t know the plot of this movie, this chick has checked off two MAJOR stalker boxes in the first 16 minutes. Lie in wait for him at a bar he mentions on his show, then show up at his house with groceries? Weird.

17:31: Never trust someone who eats their steak well done or extremely rare. Words to live by, kids.

18:04: OH MY GOD THEY ARE THE WORST KISSERS EVER.

18:33: WHAT IS HAPPENING? They’re out by her car, she’s ramping up the crazy, some weirdo comes out and bitches about the noise (even though they’re just talking at normal talking levels) and she goes IMMEDIATELY to “Why don’t you go screw yourself?” and lays on the horn. Run, Dave. Run now.

20:52: Wait, that’s Donna Mills? The crazy, artsy, flamethrowing one? That’s “Knots Landing” Donna Mills? Wow.

21:12: She just holstered her flamethrower and walks away? I hope her house burns down.

23:57: So the guy who didn’t want to complicate his life screwed it up by catting around with every woman in town? Classy.

24:39: I take back what I said, he has the same voice. Ugh. Also “There’s a little spot in the middle of each day just about your size?” What in tarnations is that?

25:52: This is a whole lot of exposition for “I’m sad we broke up.”

28:08: HAHAHAHA she’s calling from the payphone IN FRONT OF THE BAR. And the bartender’s like “No, crazy lady, he’s not here.” Oh, this is going to be priceless.

30:12. Oh. My. God. The “Does he want his keys?” tease is amazing. I mean, I’d totally already have called the cops on her. But she’s fun crazy so far. Until she goes bunny-boiling crazy.

31:35: HAHAHA she left a stuffed Snoopy with a note pinned that says, “Evelyn sent me to keep an eye on you, so BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!” Jesus. He needs to burn his place down, push his car off a cliff, buy a new one with cash and move to another country.

32:16: She drops her coat, shows she’s naked, she giggles … and his response is for him to usher her into his house? OPEN THE DOOR AND LOCK HER OUT, YOU WEIRDO.

34:20: Annnnnd she lipsticked his mirror. I can’t tell if she’s bipolar, or just emotionally underdeveloped, or just … I don’t know. But she’s definitely cuckoo.

36:16: “He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword.” I get it! The sword is his penis! Because he’s talking about how he can’t stop banging chicks. Poetry!

37:46: Him: “Yeah, I’ll come by, but we need to talk.” Her: “OK, great, play that song I’m oddly obsessed with while I’m lying in bed thinking of you.” She’s amazing.

38:16: Do we ever actually hear this song? Is it a real song? Inquiring minds want to know!

39:39: I don’t know if those white loafers were actually good shoes in the ’70s. I’m missing key information.

39:43: “Have I done something wrong?” No, honey, only EVERYTHING. Bless you.

40:45: If you think I’m not going to find some way to work, “What am I supposed to do, just sit here in my little whore suit?” into conversation at some point in my life, you are sorely mistaken.

41:23: WAIT. He’s got a stalker and he just walks off and leaves his outside door to his bedroom wide open? Even if he DIDN’T have a stalker, that’s a terrible decision. I pinged Linda (the one who suggested this) earlier and told her I was renaming it “A Series of Terrible Decisions by Clint Eastwood.”

43:37: So Angelica’s moving out and “Madeline” is moving in? Dollars to donuts, Madeline is Evelyn.

43:42: GAH! SHE’S THERE. SHE’S IN THE WOODS. Look, I’m a part-time stalker in a charming “I know where he lives” kind of way. But not in an “I stand in the woods and watch him and his girlfriend” kind of way.

44:57: “Oh, don’t look at me that way, Dave.” Bitch, you just woke him up by knocking furiously for like three minutes straight, screamed at him, talked about someone sleeping in “papa bear’s” bed and then went screaming into his house. How do you want him to look at you? Also, where’s his nosy neighbor now, talking about how people are trying to sleep?

45:12: “WE DON’T HAVE A GODDAMN THING BETWEEN US. HOW MANY WAYS AM I GOING TO HAVE TO SAY THAT?” Well, that’s the first actual time you’ve said it, so that’s a good start, I guess?

46:40: Did cops not exist in California in the ’70s? I know they did. I watched “C.H.i.P.s.” Is he legit waiting for her to start like cutting off parts of her body in front of him?

47:44: HOLY CRAP I WAS JUST KIDDING. I mean, when she first walked in there, I was like “I’ll bet she slices her wrists or something super theatrical” but I didn’t actually think she would. Also how convenient that she slid down the wall as soon as he broke down the door. Her face is EVERYTHING.

47:58: Wait, they’re still at his house? He just has a doctor on call who can come and stitch up a suicidal crazy person on site, then leave her there? He’s going to like care for her? What is even happening? I mean, that’s probably against ever medical rule ever, right? Leave a suicidal person in the care of the person they “tried” to kill themselves over?

49:41: He brings her soup and is like ‘how are you feeling’ and at no point does she say “Oh god, I’m so sorry about that” or “My bad” or anything. Just … time goes on, apparently.

49:52: Oh, ok, never mind. She just waited until she complimented him on how nice the soup looked before saying “About last night …” OMG SHE IS BASICALLY BLACKMAILING HIM FROM HIS BED WITH HER WRISTS WRAPPED UP. She is all balls. Bless her heart.

50:33: Phone rings. She says “You should answer that.” He says “I’ll get it in the other room” and just WALKS OUT. With her sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIS RINGING PHONE and probably his girlfriend on the other line. You unplug that phone and take it with you, dummy!

51:59: You know what, I’ll say it. I was going to ding this movie for her being SO over the top early on. But cripes if I don’t love it. Her giant eyes, that blood-curdling scream, ALL OF IT. I want more. “Oh, hold me, Dave, please…” and then HE DOES. It works. I might have to rethink my game methods after this.

52:53: OMG HE STAYED THERE. He stood up his girlfriend and he stayed in bed holding the crazy suicidal chick. What is he even thinking? I mean, I realize rational behavior would render most movies over before they even began but cripes.

54:00: He goes to call her and in come sprinting Miss Crazypants, all well to do and she goes “I woke up and you were gone!” Yes, like you should have been HOURS AGO. OMG HE JUST … she says “it’s best if I go home since you obviously have plans” and he says, I swear to you, “No, no, there’s nothing.” I literally can’t wrap my head around the Stockholm Syndrome or whatever is going on here.

54:40: ROCKY CLIFFS AGAIN. Told you. They’re going to play a part. Someone’s getting tossed.

56:54: So the woman who wants to book his show or whatever just tells him to book a table for lunch. No clue what time. I guess noon is standard?

57:20: OH MY GOD she’s getting copies of his keys made. Evelyn may be my new stalking hero.

59:31: HAHA she showed up at his business lunch, all “So THIS is your business lunch?” If you’d been listening, yes, it’s a business lunch, you whackadoo!

1:00:37: That whole bit was amazing. He shoves her in a taxi, tells the guy to get out and she’s just frantically reaching out the window yelling that she loves him. Try opening the door? Also, of course the agent lady is gone. She’s not crazy, like Evelyn is.

1:02:20: SHE LIVES IN THE WOODS.

1:03:42: Birdie is either brave or stupid for continuing to follow the noise of someone grunting and tearing things after seeing the condition of that house.

1:03:49: BIRDIE, NO! I should have known. Two black folks in the whole movie, of course one of them’s gonna die. Dammit, Birdie.

1:08:27: Oh, Roberta Flack. I’ve been waiting for you.

1:11:12: No, you can’t have sex out in the woods. That’s where Evelyn lives! She’ll see you. She’s been there every other time. It’s not safe sex! Also, that can’t be comfortable. I hope there’s no poison ivy or oak.

1:16:16: I was wrong the first time, but I do feel pretty confident that Evelyn is Annabelle, the new roommate.

1:18:41: I like that after she calls in to his radio show and makes some flippant comment, she then felt the need to say “I’ve been released.” I think he assumed that.

1:21:02: Could have gone my whole life without seeing Clint Eastwood in tighty whiteys.

1:28:14: I FRICK FRACK PADDYWHACK TOLD YOU. She’s Annabelle. Now McCallum’s going to show up and she’s going to kill him.

1:29:47: Why is there just a knife lying around in the living room? How do these people live? I will say Evelynbelle got one thing right: Tobie is stupid. When you realize a psycho is walking toward you with a knife, you don’t just sit there with Bambi eyes.

1:30:51: This, when he realizes she’s Annabel (sorry for the earlier misspellings, I didn’t get the Poe thing), would have been a great time for a time-traveling trip by old Eastwood to take cell phones to him and the cop.

1:31:38: Oh, they were scissors. That makes more sense.

1:35:39: I was kind of sad to see the cop die … he was nice and sassy. However, if you’re a cop and someone pops out of a doorway holding scissors in an attack pose and has time to scream before plunging them into you and you NEVER make a move for your weapon, well … them’s the breaks.

1:37:06: I kind of want Evelynbel to have left a gingerbread-crumb trail of Tobie’s hair for him to follow. Is that weird?

1:38:33: I love that she ran in, hit him twice, then scrambled away like a mouse after the light’s been turned on. She couldn’t find another sharp object in that whole house?

1:38:49: She did it again! And she’s doing it in heels so you just hear this clacking noise as she scampers away. She should kick off her shoes and keep the element of surprise!

1:39:32: OK, I guess she does have a blade (looks like a machete) but this blood they’re using is ridiculous. I saw it for the first time with Birdie when her hand reached up for the curtain and there was quite clearly just ketchup on her hand.

1:39:39: BOOM. ROCKY CLIFF. TOLD YOU. DECK. ROCKY CLIFF. DEAD PSYCHO. It was Eastwood’s first movie as a director, so I’ll cut him some slack, but you can’t be that obvious, ol’ chap.

Well, that was a ride from start to finish. Minus the really weird like 10-minute music festival before they introduced the Annabel twist. Jessica Walter is my favorite female psycho.

Up next: “Some Like it Hot!”

‘Foul Play’

February 12, 2017

Stars: Chevy Chase, Goldie Hawn, Burgess Meredith

Rated: PG

Released: 1978

What I “know”: Honestly, nothing. I’ve never heard of this movie in my life. It was recommended by a friend when I asked about movies everyone should have seen, but I literally know not a thing.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Goldie Hawn shines as gentle librarian Gloria Mundy, who finds her peaceful and slightly boring existence shaken when she uncovers a plan to assassinate the Pope in this action-comedy inspired by Alfred Hitchcock thrillers. Fearing for her life, Gloria elicits the help of local cop Tony Carlson (Chevy Chase), who’s game enough to take on the strange case. Good thing, too, as matters morph from odd to bizarre and love blooms between the two.”

Never mind, I’m in 100 percent. Though the Hitchcock shoutout concerns me. Here’s hoping it’s more “Psycho” and less “Vertigo.”

TRAILER!

3:10: I, somehow, never noticed Goldie Hawn has a fivehead.

5:45: BARRY MANILOW MUSIC? I’m stoked. I love him, totally not ironically.

8:22: Oh, I like her in the giant ’70s glasses. That’s a good look for her. Sexy librarian, indeed.

11:20: I was going to say something about how even if she didn’t smoke, she’d notice that a pack of cigarettes was really heavy for only having three in it once he added the roll of film, but he got smart and just put them in her purse. That buys him a few minutes before she discovers the crazy plot that puts her on the path to love!

13:29: Ewwwww, dripping blood is always gross, but dripping blood on sweet, buttery, salty popcorn is a step too far.

15:56: So the people sitting behind her weren’t like, “Yeah, there was this guy, he came in, then his head lopped back, then she ran out and two other guys came and carried him out?” They didn’t think that was worth sharing? Just crazyshame the loopy blonde?

18:11: Awww, Burgess Meredith. So good.

19:07: Ix-nay on the ake-snay, please. I’m OK with spiders (I take a live-and-let-live philosophy there, especially for the good house ones … One lives in the top corner of my shower) but snakes are a no-go for me.

20:00: Why is no one noticing the 10-foot snake that is now climbing up on the coffee table between them?

20:09: Oh, I’m glad it’s his. I was going to have to question how the killer knew she’d be in his apartment … but never mind, it’s just a crazy old man with a pet serpent.

20:51: “Just scream and I’ll be upstairs in a flash, kicking ass” *loud screaming and flailing to show his asskicking skills*

24:35: OH NO, A DWARF SHOWED UP AT THE LIBRARY?

26:29: Man, she was right … that umbrella does pack quite a punch! Weird albino guy is weird.

27:27: MORE MANILOW. This soundtrack is amazing.

29:25: I just set down my lunch because I laughed so hard I spit a piece of lettuce out at “Here it is, my own little beaver trap.” Oh, Dudley Moore, you were a comedic gift.

31:50: Congratulations on having the gaudiest apartment in 1970s San Francisco, Dudley.

33:01: If Dudley Moore were a foot taller, I’d totally have a retro crush on him.

33:11: OMG THAT BED.

34:32: If this movie gets better than this scene right here, I may die. Honestly. I’m laughing so hard. He’s using binoculars on his own wall for like a soft-core porn he’s playing out of the cabinet next to his bed. I can’t.

36:03: Oh god, the inflatable doll floating away and him quietly saying “Please come back” just gutted me. Holy crapolies.

I can’t even do this whole thing justice. Here :

37:00: DO NOT WALK INTO YOUR APARTMENT IF THE DOOR IS ALREADY OPEN. I was willing to overlook the whole “picking up a hitchhiker” thing (though, to be fair, it would have avoided this whole mess which, I guess, would also undo the whole movie plot) but this is a step too far. Also, please lock the window that’s IN YOUR SHOWER.

41:31: I love that albino killed the guy who’s trying to kill her. I guess there’s good money in killing her and now they’re fighting over who gets to do it?

42:15: Holy crap, Brian Dennehy was young once?

43:15: The albino guy is a bait-and-switch, huh? Like Mr. Slugworth?

48:07: “You are a walking light bulb, waiting to be screwed.” God bless her crazy feminist friend who thinks all men are just on the planet to rape.

48:47: So wait, if the albino wanted her all along, why leave her in her apartment? Why not get the dead scar dude AND her and throw them both in the trunk? She was already unconscious. Seems safer than knocking her out on a street in broad daylight.

50:24: They had her pass out on her kitchen floor just for the boobs shaking, I’m 99 percent sure. Now they’re going to send her out in the rain in a white silky dress. Well played, moviemakers.

52:36: These old biddies playing Scrabble with curse words is my second favorite thing to happen so far in this movie.

58:46: I’m not going to lie, I’m impressed the little person could balance on a suitcase on wheels.

1:00:12: Sight gag of a little person hanging out of a window notwithstanding, why wouldn’t she just run out her front freaking door while he was over there fiddling with his suitcase. Also, I was 99 percent sure when he came in it’s a red herring. I’ll bet “The Dwarf” is a dwarf like Tiny Lister was tiny.

1:05:13: OK, so Stiltskin isn’t a giant man. I hope they work a Rumplestiltskin joke in here somewhere.

1:06:18: Do cops usually take people who are being murdered to the address where the vehicle being driven by people who want to murder them is registered? That seems like a questionable decision.

1:09:41: Stella, the man-hater, is so so damaged. Who hurt you, Stella? Who made you like this? “If they say they like you, it’s not so bad. It’s when they say ‘I love you’ that you’ve gotta watch out.”

1:10:34: I feel like if I’d known this Chevy Chase, I’d have been more forgiving of Chevy Chase now as a horrible human being. But instead, I watch this and I’m just like “You become a complete dick.” He’s smoother here than he is in the National Lampoon movies. Not as stupid.

1:19:22: So the cop who’s supposed to be guarding her just never shows up and she thinks nothing of it. Then he calls her, tells her to come someplace strange right away and hangs up and her thought is “Sounds legit?”

1:30:45: So Stiltskin sees the cabinets falling and still doesn’t move? Dope.

1:34:17: Goodness, Burgess Meredith was the bestest.

1:36:18: An oboe sighting! I played oboe for two years. I was terrible at it. Still, cool!

1:52:47: Dudley Moore is the second-bestest. Hiding when he saw Chevy’s badge and coming back up in sunglasses? Amazing.

I LOVE that movie. Thank you to whatever random friend figured out I would love a stupid slapstick movie. I love you a little. And thank you to my friend Linda, who organized my queue and gave me that after a movie about cloning Hitler. The tone change was nice. Love!

Next up: ‘All About Eve!’

‘The Boys from Brazil’

February 5, 2017

Stars: James Mason, Laurence Olivier, Gregory Peck

Rated: R

Released: 1978

What I “know:” Absolutely nothing.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In this thriller based on Ira Levin’s novel, young Nazi hunter Barry Kohler stumbles on the trail of the infamous “Angel of Death,” Dr. Josef Mengele, who is planning to resurrect Hitler’s vision in South America.”

Well, this is a slight change in tone from “Spinal Tap?” Not sure I’m in a good place for such a bad movie (not bad in quality, but bad in evilness), but considering the state of the world right now … maybe?

TRAILER:

OMG I just watched this like 15 minutes into the movie and Jesus, this is a MUCH weirder movie than I have seen so far. (You’ll notice I hadn’t seen it yet below when I was like “wait, Peck is the bad guy?” What is with the doll laughing over the phone? This is weird.

00:56: Is Steven Guttenberg like the Steve Guttenberg? Dude went from this to “Police Academy” movies? I guess I can see it … needed a little levity.

2:38: Uh, it is. Weird. Not sure I’ve ever seen him do serious work. Well, aside from his impeccable presence as Woody Goodman on “Veronica Mars,” but that’s neither here nor there.

11:09: So Steve Guttenberg is the only guy not named Mengele on the Netflix sleeve, and he’s not even listed as one of the stars? Just a co-star? Interesting. Also, he just went down to Paraguay by himself, broke this story, and now magically has the home number of an older Nazi hunter he looks up to?

12:03: Kohler just walks up to a table with the same little kid who helped him earlier, handed him a box, and then led him away … an no one flinched. No one asked questions. He was sitting with other people and they either didn’t notice or didn’t care.

13:16: I am assuming the man dressed all in white who is suddenly bathed in lights, arriving on a small plane, is Dr. Mengele. They didn’t traffic in subtlety with the score to this movie. Blaring music when he was shown for the first time.

15:26: Holy crap, Gregory Peck is the baddie? Peck = Mengele? Weird. This is not the charming Peck I remember from “Roman Holiday.” Also, the baddie underling he’s talking to is the guy from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” which is doubly weird.

17:25: “In the next two and a half years, 94 men must die on or near certain dates.” Wait, what? I thought this was about Nazis. Who is he assassinating? Or why? Civil servants? Like mailmen? WHAT IS GOING ON?

19:05: “And by killing this old mailman, I will be fulfilling the destiny of the Aryan race?” THANK YOU FOR ASKING THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, RANDOM NAZI.

19:46: Ugh, that stupid kid. You can’t start playing the conversation while guards are walking by. Dummy. But I like how while all his henchmen are destroying this room, looking for the bug, he just stands there looking menacing. Do some work, lazybones.

 

21:29: Having now watched the trailer, and knowing that Guttenberg is only listed as a co-star, methinks his whooping in the car for having escaped is slightly premature.

22:12: Peck looks like a meaner Tom Selleck with that mustache. Speaking of Selleck and Guttenberg, can we get a “Three Men and a Grandbaby” made? Please?

25:46: Laurence Olivier getting sassy: “Take your time. Old men do not go back to sleep once they have been awakened.” Sadly, Guttenberg should not take his time as the Nazis are downstairs giving the front desk clerk some coersion to share where he is.

26:48: Poor, dead Guttenberg. Then Mengele is all smiles at the kid, then says “kill him.” Classic movie villain.

30:55: OK, Ezra Lieberman is the best. After his sassy rejoinder above to the soon-to-be-dead Kohler, he meets some guy he knows in the street, asks to speak, and the guy says he’s late for lunch. Lieberman says “Eight times last week I called you, and each time you were at lunch. Perhaps you have a tapeworm.”

35:21: I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure driving into a crate full of bottles while someone pees behind it, then them falling between two other crates, would not actually kill them. Cut them, sure. But I wouldn’t leave just thinking “well, one down, 93 more to go.”

35:56: So he didn’t have the kid killed, he just injected blue dye into his eyes so he’d look … Aryan? Doesn’t make his brown skin go away, good doctor.

36:45: The entire point of the scene of him walking out of his house to go meet the sea plane was to show the topless woman sweeping his front porch, right? Can’t see any other reason.

38:05: Well that’s horrifying.

46:47: So the weird kid with the clarinet has the weird, cloudy blue eyes that Mengele gave that poor native boy who worked for him/spied on him.

47:32: Oh, so this is one of the widows? And her kid looks like one of Mengele’s experiments? So that’s why he wanted this dude killed, but are all his experimental children just randomly living with civil servants? That’s really orchestrated, and would also pretty quickly trace back to him, I’d think. Also, this widow is CRAZY transparent. Her whole “Well, I don’t know if he was a Nazi as I only met him after that, and also, who is this ‘Dr. Mengele’ you’re mentioning?’ thing is weird.

49:32: HAHAHA she is REALLY happy her hubby is dead. He beat the shit out of the kid and she’s like “Thank God he got hit by that car!”

50:32: So creepy Nazi had to sleep with and then kill the blonde just to kill her landlord? That seems unnecessary. I mean, also, the killing of the 94 random people around the world, but whatever.

51:08: There’s the creepy doll with the phone! Is it just like her weird kid with a weird puppet? What is happening??

1:01:06: Man, reconnecting with an old Nazi friend and then tossing him off the top of a damn is pretty hardcore.

1:01:34: Anne Meara! Man! I love her. P.S. How is this movie only halfway done? Eek.

1:02:30: Yeah, another weird blue-eyed freak kid with an attitude at the house of a dead dude. I think it’s the same kid … yep, IMDB says it’s the same actor. And there are two more! Oooh Anne Meara knows something. She just shut down that whole “You look just like this kid in Germany” conversation real fast.

1:04:07: There’s the third. And he’s even feistier than the others! “Don’t you understand English, you ass?”

1:06:13: So all these kids are getting handed out by some evil German woman?

1:10:43: This woman worked for an adoption agency with a four-year window for both the husband and wife to have been born, but they had to be like 20 years apart, with the man older? And they had to be Nordic-Christian? Suddenly the Nazi thing makes sense.

1:13:15: “Thirty years and the world has forgotten.” Uh, no, it hasn’t. People very much remember the Holocaust, you spaz. Also, Ezra’s look of disdain after she said that was golden. “You are not a guard here, madam, you are a PRISONER. I may leave here empty-handed, but you may not go anywhere.”

1:17:57: I would like to think most people didn’t celebrate their second honeymoon at a Nazi gala in the ’70s?

1:18:44: “Shut up, you ugly bitch.” Well if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black, Dr. Mengele …

1:19:30: Awww poor Mengele’s murderers are being called back home because Ezra is on the trail, or, as Mengele called him, “that infernal Jew.”

1:27:19: Uhhhhh I think I know where this is going now. And it’s not good.

1:33:31: And therrre it is. Mengele is cloning Hitlers. Jesus. Side note, how pissed would you be if you found out you adopted Hitler? Like, man. $500 for a psychopath? No thanks.

1:39:47: “I don’t know about the Nazis. It’s the n*****s we’ve gotta worry about.” Hello, sir, have you heard about the Ku Klux Klan? They’d be interested in talking to you.

1:42:20: I’m not convinced four Doberman’s couldn’t break down a hollow closet door if they’re that trained to protect their master. I feel like they should have broken down the door and eaten Mengele’s throat.

1:43:57: If Mengele kills Ezra, I’ma be mega-pissed.

1:46:27: This is the best/worst fight scene ever captured on film. No doubt. They’re literally just squirming around and biting each other.

1:49:45: Wait, so Ezra took two more gunshots just to let those murderous bastards out so they could bark menacingly?  Come on, Dobies, do better.

1:52:16: So Hitler IV walks in, sees two strange, bloody men in his living room, one surrounded by snarling Dobermans, and instantly starts just taking pictures? Then it takes the old one who ISN’T being threatened by dogs to say “Call the police” and then he says “Yeah.” Not exactly the brightest kid.

1:52:42: “If I prove I know you better than anyone in the whole world, better even than your mother, will you listen to me?” No, that would make you a crazy stalker. Call the police, kiddo.

1:53:58: Oh god, this whole movie was worth it for the belly laugh I just got from Hitler IV listening to Mengele’s whole speech, ending with him being the living duplicate of the greatest man who ever lived, and then the kid saying, “Oh man, you’re weird.”

1:55:30: FINALLY the dogs eat his face. Thank god. That was some good tension.

1:58:33: Yay, Ezra’s awake!

2:01:19: Ezra Lieberman is a boss. Good on him for believing in people, despite everything he’s seen.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate symbolism, so I have no clue what the whole shark-tooth bracelet means, and I don’t really care. I wouldn’t say this movie was “enjoyable” as that would kind of make me a psychopath. It felt slow-moving through the first 90 minutes, but then I understood why. You can’t just give that away at the beginning. Also, this is the second Peck movie I’ve seen, two very different movies, and I’ve really enjoyed (and believed) him in both. He might have been OK at that acting thing. Overall, not the sunniest movie I’ve seen, but very interesting and climactic.

Next up: “Foul Play!”

‘Psycho’

January 15, 2017

Stars: Janet Leigh, Vera Miles, Anthony Perkins

Rated: R

Released: 1960

What I “know:” Probably more than most movies. I know Anthony Perkins killed his mom and keeps her in the basement. And I know there’s some shower murder scene with Jamie Lee Curtis’s mom. What I don’t know is why.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: When larcenous real estate clerk Marion Crane (Janet Leigh) goes on the lam with a wad of cash and hopes of starting a new life, she ends up at the notorious Bates Motel, where twitchy manager Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) cares for his housebound mother. The place seems quirky but fine … until Marion decides to take a shower. Director Alfred Hitchcock’s Oscar-nominated shocker has been terrifying viewers for decades — and for good reason.

OK, so No. 1, I’m just about Hitchcocked out. Whoever organized my queue screwed me on that. (Edit: I just looked and I still have three more Hitchcocks to watch. Ugh.) I’ve yet to be “shocked” or “stunned” or anything. And I realize it’s hard to watch it 60 years later when you’re not a film historian to see the things he broke ground with. But ugh. And phew! This whole time (nearly 41 years) I thought they were portraying Janet Leigh as his mom and I was like, “She’s a little young, no?” So glad that’s not the case. Also, my mom just told me tonight it took her years to get over the shower scene, but I think I’ve seen like 98 percent of it, so I figure I’m OK. Not like he could show the knife plunging into her or anything.

Trailer!

Holy crap on a cracker, that thing’s 6:31 long! I’m not watching that.

1:01: NOOOO JOHN GAVIN? Freaking Stalker Steve from “Imitation of Life” is back to haunt me in another movie? Dammit. I hope he’s not creepier than ol’ Norman here.

3:17: Ewww post-coital Stalker Steve.

5:12: “You makes respectability sound … disrespectful.” Sister, you don’t know the half.

6:05: So I’m taking from this, even already knowing she apparently rips off her boss and goes on the run, that Sam is the worst choice Marion will make. Even worse than staying at the Bates Motel. Hell, maybe Norman did her a favor. Don’t meet up in a seedy hotel with a guy who just keeps talking about his ex-wife.

6:25: So she’s like “Let’s get married” and he immediately talks about his ex-wife again, then backs out of frame. Girl, run.

7:35: This woman who works with Marion, however, is sheer gold. She took tranquilizers on her wedding night and ran through her husband and her mother’s calls when Marion asked if there were any calls while she was getting her Afternoon Delight. More of her, please!

9:15: Ick at the gross old Southern man who’s flopping his cash all around like it’s his manhood. Maybe it is.

11:04: “I guess I’ll go put this money in the bank, then go home and sleep it off.” My ass you will, Marion.

12:13: Want to know why I could never do this? I’m a terrible packer. I’d leave something mandatory at home, have to turn around and get it, and get caught. And yes, I could probably buy another of whatever it was with $40K in 1960 money, but that doesn’t last forever!

14:10: Generally, it’s unsafe for a woman to sleep in her car alone on the side of a road. But considering where this whole thing ends, she should have stuck with that.

23:01: She should just tell the cop she’s running from an abusive boyfriend. Some women did that in the ’60s, right?

26:17: Janet Leigh’s eyebrows are on POINT.

 

27:59: Stop honking your horn! You don’t want to make Norman angry!

28:19: Dude, Anthony Perkins is taller and skinnier than I thought he was. Or Janet Leigh is shorter. Either way, he looks like a scarecrow.

30:11: I’m kind of glad I know he’s, you know, psycho. Because otherwise I’d totally have a dork crush on Norman.

33:11: The Bateses should really look into doing better insulation on their house. I can hear every word through a rainstorm at the hotel hundreds of yards away.

35:29: “I’m not hungry. Go ahead.” The same guy who 5 minutes ago said he was just getting ready to eat dinner and would love for you to join him, and who has stuffed birds on his wall, wants to sit there and watch you eat after luring you into a back room in the office of the hotel where there are no others guests. Sheesh, Marion.

37:13: Oh, the body language. He’s all open and touching a bird and she said, “Do you go out with friends?” and he pulled his hand down and closed his legs and looked up toward the house and said, “Well, a boy’s best friend is his mother.” 1. Sweet, but no and 2. Yikes. Anthony Perkins is really quite good.

39:45: Holy crap, he killed his stepfather, didn’t he? Oh, Norman. This whole killing thing has got to stop! I mean, not yet, because Marion’s still alive, but you know. At some point.

39:59: “A son is a poor substitute for a lover.” Gross.

40:02: So the same thing that drove me crazy in “Dial M for Murder” is done SO WELL here. This entire scene is great. I guess it’s partly because I know more of the story than people watching it normally do, or did in that time, but seeing these two play off each other, building this tension … this is much better.

41:54: Y’all, I’m serious. This is the only thing I’ve ever seen Anthony Perkins in but he is (pardon the term) killing it! I’m 100 percent in on Norman Bates. “We all go a little mad sometimes” and then that smile. I mean, he’s clearly insane. Norman, not Anthony. But still … killing it!

43:34: OH NO SHE SAID CRANE. But she signed the book as something else (can’t remember what). Is that what spurs him? Is that what makes him slash her to bits? Man, she should have just continued stinking after two days without a shower. More deodorant, a little perfume, and get out of Dodge. Ah, Marie Samuels. He just picked up the book. Silly Marion. That mistake will cost you!

44:44: Now, wait. The layout is all wrong. When she went into the office, the desk was to her left, and this room was behind it. So her room would be the other end of the office. Even if the desk were straight ahead, this would still be parallel and he’d be looking out the back of the hotel. When he walked her to her room, it wasn’t a far enough walk to have covered a desk to the right, then a parlor, then the full depth of her bed. Dammit, Hitchcock.

45:04: See? Right there! He hangs the picture up, walks out the door across from it, walks straight out and turns left out of his office. That wall doesn’t even touch her room!

46:49: Oooooh she ’bout to get it! P.S. Even though I’ve seen most of this scene (the shadow, the curtain opening, her screaming and cowering) I’m still nervous. I really hate scary things. I hope this doesn’t mess me up, for real.

Obligatory clip, even though I’m assuming everyone’s seen it:

48:00: Dude, never leave them still alive. I mean, I’m pretty sure she dies eventually, but don’t run the risk. P.S. how is there no blood? I mean, none of the wall, none in the tub, none on her body? Even with the water running, you’d still be able to see the blood running out of her cuts.

48:41: HAHAHA and so now that the upper half of her is out of the tub and on the tile floor, NOW there’s blood running toward the drain? I guess from the 14 stab wounds he inflicted to her calves?

50:27: So I think at this point I’m supposed to think it was his mother who did this. This is the great Hitchcock switcheroo. But I don’t know if Norman had an actual break and is shocked at the sight of the blood, or if he’s acting it out so he can say he walked in on her like that when the cops come a’callin.

50:40: I’m also going to say this: Young Anthony Perkins looks strikingly like young Adam Levine.

52:51: Norman seems a little too practiced in how to get dead bodies out of hotel rooms, nah mean?

53:24: Norman should have called an exorcist, because I have NO IDEA where all that blood came from. It’s literally all around the tub, dried, when there was none after the killing, AND the water was still running when he came in.

54:27: Now this scene is taking too long. Hitchcock is killing the mood!

55:01: Wait, why is it basically dawn already? He’s really slow at cleaning bathrooms.

55:15: Very convenient that her trunk is already neatly lined.

58:13: Wait, his grand plan is to drive a car with a dead body in it into some brush and that will just take care of it? Oh, of course, there’s just a convenient pond there.

59:49: HAHAH a convenient pond that is inconveniently shallow. Is that a tar pit? That “water” is super dark.

59:59: OK, seriously, the little twitch/half-smile/smirk he just pulled when the car started sinking again was perfection. God, I love this guy. Anthony, not Norman.

1:01:48: Bob’s my second favorite person behind the nitwit that worked with Marion. Stalker Steve/Sleazy Sam tells him to skedaddle because Marion’s sister is making a scene and putting his business on blast and Bob’s like “I don’t need to go get lunch, I packed one.” Awesome.

1:02:09: PLAYER 3 HAS ENTERED THE GAME. Boom, there’s a private investigator who now wants to get all up in the Marion info. He looks super familiar so I was scanning his IMDB and I was like “I’ve never seen this guy in any … WAIT A SECOND he was in “All the President’s Men.” Got it.

1:11:59: I can see why Anthony felt trapped and confined by this role. I swear, even if I see him in something else, I’ll only see him as Norman. That apparently sucked for him, and I get it. But god, is he good. That whole scene with the private investigator slowly breaking him was tremendous.

1:16:11: Don’t go to the house of the crazy man! Oh, silly private investigator. That house just screams “murder house.”

1:17:37: Oh no! Norman’s “mother” has killed again!

1:18:00: “He’ll be back” says Sleazy Sam. Uh, no, he won’t. He’s sinking in a pond right about now. Man, that pond didn’t look big enough to hold more than 1-2 of those giant cars from those days. Norman better reign himself in!

1:18:50: HAHAHAH he really was in the pond. This is awesome. Also, stop yelling. You’re going to anger Norman. And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry! Although, I’m OK with Sleazy Sam getting his due.

1:19:00: Dammit, Sam lives. Is there no mercy in this world?

1:20:52: Haha the look between the deputy sheriff and his wife when Sleazy Sam said, “no, his mother” was priceless.

1:23:36: Paraphrasing, but “I called the guy who runs the motel where two missing people were last seen but he says he knows nothing so we’re good here.” Good work, copper.

1:23:54: AND THERE’S THE HITCHCOCK TWIST. I mean, I knew the mother was dead, but those people didn’t, and Marion sure didn’t.

1:25:09: No. 1, Norman should stick to poison. Fewer questions. And No. 2, who is the woman buried out in Greenlawn Cemetery?

1:33:14: So cabin No. 1 is just unlocked? The one he killed someone in, he doesn’t lock up after himself? Even when people come around asking questions? And why did she look in the toilet? And why didn’t the ink fade on the paper after nine days of sitting in toilet water? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

1:37:17: The sister just walks into the house and starts going through all the rooms. A.) You think people might have been killed and B.) You think some old woman lives there. Maybe call out like “Mrs. Bates?” or something. I mean, it’s not like she can answer, but you don’t know that!

1:39:41: The jaw clenching is EVERYTHING. I totally would have had a thing for Anthony Perkins. Yeah, I know. It’s never stopped me before. The gay thing, not the psycho thing. Though, actually …

1:41:25: Holy shit, that reveal of Norman in the dress and wig is amazing. He looks truly frightening. Well done, Anthony Perkins!

1:45:36: I don’t think this is how psychiatrists who have just talked to a murderer are supposed to be talking. This guy is getting really in-depth and it’s weird. “The MOTHER killed the girl.”

1:48:31: OMG that last scene, where he looks up at the camera and smiles while looking under his brow? Chilling. Like “Charles Manson in that Time-Life commercial where it froze on him staring right at the camera and gave me nightmares” chilling. Am I the only person who remembers that commercial??

OK, EASILY my favorite Hitchcock movie so far (though I’m sadly only halfway through apparently). It seemed … less Hitchcockian in some ways? Less overbearing, less tracking shots and psychedelic things. I actually really liked this movie, which may say something about me … though not anything my friends haven’t already said. And Anthony Perkins was a revelation. I know that’s probably not the right word for a guy who’s been dead for 25 years and who starred in this movie 57 years ago, but lordy. That man was good.

Next up: “The Last Picture Show!”

‘Dial M for Murder’

December 4, 2016

Stars: Robert Cummings, Grace Kelly, Ray Milland

Rated: PG

Released: 1954

What I “know”: It’s a Hitchcock movie, it involves telephones, and Grace Kelly was really pretty? I don’t know, that’s about all I’ve got.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Director Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece of double-cross and intrigue stars Ray Milland as former tennis champ Tony Wendice, who concocts a plan to kill his rich but unfaithful wife (Grace Kelly), who’s embroiled in a liaison with a writer (Robert Cummings). When Tony’s plans go awry, he improvises a second act of deceit, but the entire bloody affair turns out to be far messier than he expected. John Williams plays a sly Scotland Yard inspector.”

OK, so that sounds AWESOME. Here’s hoping I like it more than “Vertigo,” which I thought was way overworked. Maybe that’s just Hitchcock’s thing, I don’t know. That was my first one. But I do love multiple acts of deceit.

Trailer!

1:28: That was a really weird frozen kiss to start the movie. It was like they were in place and then Hitchcock waited until three seconds after he started rolling to say “Action!” Also, 1950s movie kisses crack me up.

2:13: So the husband gets prim and proper, frozen kiss and a cream sweater set. The lover gets a fancy dress and red lace wrap and way more action. Lesson: It’s always better to be the other man.

grace-kelly-dial-m-for-murder giphy

3:35: I can not figure out her accent, and it’s driving me insane. It’s like she keeps switching her tone.

6:36: So wait, she sees in the paper her lover’s coming to town, and instantly they’re all going to have dinner together and they know each other and she ended things but they’re still weird-’50s-movie-making-out and her husband’s changed and they can’t tell him but please, let’s just all sit around a table and make small talk? This is so weird.

8:57: That dude looks at least 50. He just retired from being a professional tennis player last year? Come on, now. Yeah, I just googled him and he was 46-47 when this was filmed. Hard living, I guess?

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10:38: So now that I know what the movie’s about, was that whole thing code? Does “bring the registration” mean “kill my wife?” I know I’m not totally up on ’50s slang, but that would be crazy. Otherwise, who buys a car he’s only seen and not driven?

18:41: Jesus, this dude is a terrible storyteller. It’s been at least 7 minutes of him just rambling and going on and on and I don’t know anything I couldn’t have guessed before. He saw them together, he stole the letter, etc. etc.

19:47: I will say this: Him literally wiping the dude’s fingerprints off everything right in front of him as he talks, erasing him from the scene, is some steel balls type stuff. “No one will ever know you were here.”

24:18: OMG THIS HAS NOW BEEN ALMOST 15 MINUTES OF BLACKMAILING. Good lord, Hitchcock is terrible. I’m almost a quarter of the way through the movie and there have been four scenes. This has been 15 of those 25 minutes. Cripes, man, edit better.

31:29: THEY’RE STILL TALKING. Also, when the retired tennis pro knows more about how to pull off a clean murder caper, maybe the felon he’s hiring isn’t all that great at his job? Milland is on the phone and the “murderer” is wandering around, opening up drapes, turning lights on and off, peering around … nothing like some weirdness like that to make neighbors take notice of odd behavior four days before a woman is murdered. These guys are terrible.

32:46: I also just realized I’m being awfully judgmental when I would have no idea how to kill someone. There, that counts as plausible deniability.

33:39: I do wish that full 23-minute clip was on Youtube. I mean, seriously. 23 minutes of a movie that last an hour and 45 minutes is a LOT of time to show two dudes just talking.

34:23: I can honestly tell you I’ve never asked someone, “Do you really believe in the perfect murder?” I mean, what the actual heck?

36:22: His wife wants to go to a movie and he’s all, “No, do wifely things like write thank-you notes or paste in clippings about me into that notebook.” I know he’s doing it so she’s home and the dude can kill her, but ugh.

37:03: Continuity issue: He closed the drapes like two minutes ago, and now they’re open again, so he had to close them again. Booooo.

44:29: That dude is the worst death-scene actor ever. All that build-up for a weird convulsion? PS those are the strongest scissors ever for her to get that much damage while gasping for air AND being held down by a guy much stronger than her.

45:20: If I ever get married, and I tell my husband a man just strangled me and his response is, “Did he get away?” wellllll … that’s going to be the last conversation we have without lawyers.

48:58: I feel like she should be asking why her husband was all “Don’t talk to anyone, don’t touch anything, I’m just going to get this blanket to dispose of the body” and not “call the police!”

49:15: OK, at least now he mentioned the police. I thought he was going to try to pretend like this never happened, which would be weird.

50:24: Wow, he’s really going to try to frame his wife for murder? Just take the loss and move on, pal.

54:10: I honestly didn’t know that intermissions really were a thing back then. Now, movies are 2 1/2-3 hours long and no intermission. We’re getting ripped off!

1:03:03: The inspector is shutting him DOWN. Ol’ dude didn’t think of everything! Sunk by a rainy night and a clean door mat. This is why I don’t have a door mat. Also, I’m bad at adulting.

1:05:43: STUPID COP, SHUT UP AND LISTEN. The friend and the wife are both asking about him calling and how his story didn’t match up and he didn’t have a reason for calling, and you’re talking over them to ask about the timeline.

1:06:27: Milland/Wendice is a terrible crime committer, but he’s very quick on his feet. I’ll give him that.

1:07:14: OH SNAP. The cop sent Milland/Wendice out to “open the gate” then spun around and was like “Hey, homie, does he know you and his wife are doing the dirty?” Well, not quite in those words, but the meaning is the same.

1:12:16: Hitchcock sure did love some weird backlight tricks. This one looks better than the trippy dream sequence in “Vertigo” though.

1:13:00: Now I don’t know if she actually was convicted, or if that just was another dream sequence. Damn you, Hitchcock!

1:14:22: Well, I guess she was convicted, since they’re talking about saving her life. Why does Milland/Wendice keep talking to her boyfriend? He should just shut him out if he supposedly just found out about this affair, or whatever.

1:15:28: I’m intrigued by the boyfriend. I can’t tell if he’s making this up or if he really sees through the husband’s lies. Then again, if he did see through it and let it go this far, then he’s kind of a dick too.

1:19:07: Why is there a bed in the middle of the living room? What is happening? Oh, apparently he can’t sleep in her room because of the memories or something.

1:28:04: This movie is really picking up steam, not going to lie. The husband is Class A jerkwad, but I like the boyfriend quite a lot. He talks before he has everything figured out (soulmate) but he’s thinking, at least.

1:29:15: I’m 99 percent sure the cop can’t just steal his jacket and do a whole switcheroo thing. That seems like it would be against protocol.

1:30:24: I thought it sounded like the cop went up some stairs, but they live on the ground floor. You’re not sneaky, Mr. Officer! That being said, even if swiping the coat were legal, you can’t just unlock someone’s front door and just go in without a warrant.

1:34:00: People who are being executed the next day generally don’t get breaks in which they can just go peruse their old dwellings, right? I’m not just imagining that?

1:36:38: “In a couple of days, you’re going to have the most wonderful breakdown.” Why don’t I ever get warnings before my breakdowns?

1:44:16: That’s actually a brilliant finish to the whole saga. I still say that 23-minute exposition was about 18 minutes too long, but I do love a good “tying up the loose ends of a whodunnit” and this one was well done. But why are they all like “Sure, I’ll take a drink from you, the man who tried to kill me?”

1:45:08: The detective brushing his mustache as he called in the whole thing is hilarious. Good closer.

The last 45-60 minutes of this movie were pretty solid. I feel like if I were seeing Hitchcock in his original time, I’d be able to appreciate all his groundbreakingness or whatever, but it just feels tortured sometimes. I liked this much more than “Vertigo,” but that’s a very low bar to clear. I really liked Grace Kelly, and I liked the guy who played the boyfriend, but the husband just wasn’t a great actor. The detective, however, was the best part. 🙂

Next up: “Imitation of Life!”

‘Jurassic Park’

November 19, 2016

Stars: Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Sam Neill

Rated: PG-13

Released: 1993

What I “know”: Way more than any movie so far, and that’s just from being a denizen of the internet. There’s a park where they’re cloning/creating real dinosaurs, and things go terribly awry (who couldn’t see that coming?). Also, Jeff Goldblum just Goldblums all over the place.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “A multimillionaire (Richard Attenborough) unveils a new theme park where visitors can observe dinosaurs cloned using advanced DNA technology. But when an employee tampers with the security system, the dinosaurs escape, forcing the visitors to fight for their survival. Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern star in this thrilling, action-packed blockbuster from acclaimed director Steven Spielberg and based on the novel by Michael Crichton.

I think I’m one of the few people on this planet who hasn’t seen this movie. Even my mom, who hasn’t seen a movie that isn’t on Lifetime or Hallmark in years, has seen it. This movie’s old enough to have a college degree and a crippling amount of student debt. I’m kind of psyched to see it, not going to lie. Who doesn’t love Jeff Goldblum?

gold

OK, besides that guy.

1:41: If that little forklift is carrying a dinosaur, that already looks like bad planning. A good jolt from inside the crate would knock that thing sideways … way too top-heavy.

2:20: And if it is a dinosaur, it must be a teeny-tiny baby for a.) it to fit in that crate and b.) for like 8 guys to be able to push a huge metal crate with a dinosaur in it.

3:07: OK, so the thing’s strong enough to break the seal with the compartment AND shove the crate backward and run people over, plus hold on to this dude while it’s being shocked a ton … but they could just gently push it in and carry it on a forklift? Shenanigans. I call shenanigans. I’m glad she ate that guy.

3:30: A guy in a suit is on a block of wood being pulled to the shore by a shirtless man in the Dominican Republic. How did he get on a piece of wood? He’s not wet at all, there’s no one else with him. Was he like on a plane that landed in the water and he climbed on to that and he was pulled three miles to the shore?  What is happening? Also, the guy with the hat who meets him … is in one of my very guiltiest pleasure movies, “Up Close and Personal” with Robert Redford and Michelle Pfeiffer. If you haven’t seen it, do it NOW.

8:27: Laura Dern is really rocking those mom jeans.

10:55: I’d just like the whole movie to be Richard Attenborough speaking, please.

13:45: Crap, I forgot Newman was in this.

15:18: Wait, there’s a black-market dinosaur trade going on? Or is this something else? Is there a side plot?

20:33: Well, both of them standing up in the jeep is the first part of the movie I’d seen before, so there’s that, but … how do you not notice that thing? Even if you’re staring at a map, it’s walking like 20 feet from you and making dinosaur noises. Come on, Dern. Pay attention!

21:05: These graphics were really cutting-edge in 1993, weren’t they? It’s so hard to think about things as they used to be because now I’m just like, “Meh, I’ve seen better.” It kind of stinks that way. Wish I’d seen this in its time.

21:49: He’s standing 10 feet from a dinosaur. Why is a T-Rex so mind-blowing??

22:59: I will say I would feel woefully unprotected in an open-air jeep, but I guess that’s a thing in like safaris and stuff. But still … I’d want to be in a tank or something.

23:42: The first super-Goldblumy moment .. sure there was him being weird on the helicopter, and him grinning maniacally in the jeep, but saying “Don’t you mean extinct?” then jogging up the stairs is prime Goldblumation.

27:25: WHY DID THAT MAN JUST ASK IF THE PEOPLE IN THE LAB WERE AUTO-EROTICA? WHAT IS HAPPENING? Auto-erotica in the same room with Jeff Goldblum? They were just asking for disaster.

31:11: Oh, Goldblum, you magnificent man.

33:57: This dude is basically telling them all that the queen velociraptor is a murder machine that is smarter and faster than they are. Why is everyone so jovial about it?

36:09: Wow, I never knew the “You were so preoccupied with if you could that you didn’t stop to think about if you should” or paraphrases thereof came from this movie. Neato!

38:53: Ooooh a CD-ROM? Yesssss. That being said, I’m not sure I like the idea of the cars being limited to one path if the dinosaurs are out there. They can just knock you over and you have no way to swerve. This is a first-level issue that they’ve overlooked.

39:56: Sam Neill facing the idea of being trapped in a car with a kid for hours is me facing the idea of being trapped in a car with a kid for hours.

40:54: SAMUEL L. FREAKING JACKSON? And his first line is “Hold on to your butts?” Thank you, Steven Spielberg. Thank you.

41:55: I feel like that gate is woefully undersized. One big set of doors and then the fence doesn’t even come close to being that tall. Even if it’s electric, they could figure it out. This lawyer is terrible at his job.

44:44: SERIOUSLY, the fence next to the tunnel they drove out of to get to the T-Rex part is like a slanted line down to where the concrete part starts, so there it’s only like 5-10 feet tall. This whole thing is a death trap. How did no one see this coming??

49:08: That dude who is afraid of velociraptors is right … They really should have locking mechanisms on the vehicles so idiots don’t jump out and run at the dinosaurs. This lawyer should be disbarred.

52:50: Goldblum just went lowbrow for the “pile of shit” comment while the only woman there is elbow deep in it, trying to help. Good on you, Laura Dern.

56:50: I hope the $1.5M that he expects to get is enough for Newman to realize what a total doof he is. “Oh, I’ll just turn off these security systems while the lawyer is here to determine if this park is even going to exist.”

1:00:18: I’m not going to lie, they are SUPER calm for people who have unelectrified fences and no security systems with giant dinosaurs and two cars full of people, including the main dude’s grandkids. I expect more action here.

1:02:46: So a T-Rex just showed up, walking heavily enough to jar their vehicles, and ate a goat 10 feet from their cars and no one noticed? They all deserve whatever happens to them. The order I’d like them eaten in: 1. The bratty little kid; 2. The lawyer; 3. The vegetarian; 4. Sam Neill; Never. Jeff Goldblum.

1:04:14: “Boy, do I hate being right all the time.” I feel you, Goldblum. I feel you. It’s a cross to bear, for sure.

1:05: 23: So she didn’t turn the light off just for the cool shot with his eye dilating? I mean, it was totally worth it (best shot of the movie so far) but makes her an idiot.

1:06:11: So a dinosaur can’t break a piece of plexiglass OR the arms of two children? And if you watch it, in the second shot it’s broken and they’re holding a piece of it and then they show it again and it’s whole again.

1:07:00: Also, kudos to the vehicle designer who came up with a jeep that could withstand a freaking DINOSAUR standing on it and not collapse, just sink down into the mud.

1:07:51: Well, I at least got No. 2 out of the way. And that wasn’t a poop pun, even though he was on a toilet.

1:09:10: They’re just sacrificing the boy? I mean, it’s the right choice, obviously, annoying little brat … but still surprising.

1:11:19: Oh yeah, I forgot. 3. Newman. Looks like I might get my wish, with only Nos. 1 and 2 reversed.

1:12:53: Bless Newman for talking to the dinosaur. He legit sounds like me when I come home and my dogs jump all over me. “I don’t have any food, guys. Look, no food! There’s no food here!”

1:14:10: I laughed really loudly at the dinosaur inside his jeep. Stupid Newman.

1:15:20: Physics lesson No. 402: If a vehicle slides down the side of a wall, as the jeep did when the T-Rex shoved it over, then it won’t suddenly change trajectory and end up in a tree about 50 feet away from the wall.

1:15:55: Also, there’s NO WAY that kid’s still alive. He’s like Rambo. And apparently with no broken bones AND no symptoms of shock. IT’S A MODERN MIRACLE.

1:17:35: Here’s a crazy idea … shimmy around the tree to where you’re not directly in the path of a falling vehicle?

1:17:56: Physics lesson No. 403: At some point that jeep would have started flipping. It wouldn’t just drive down the side of the tree.

1:19:13: GOLDBLUM LIVES.

1:23:53: Sam Neill, your “I guess we’ll just have to evolve too” doesn’t hold a candle to Goldblum’s “extinct” line. Stop being cheesy. It only works for him.

1:28:35: Laura Dern just put the beatdown on that delusional old man, and ended it with ice cream. That’s my kind of lady!

1:29:58: UGH. Dinosaur snot is disgusting.

1:32:36: I wish I was smart enough to know if any of this crap they’re spouting is real. Samuel L. sounds like a boss, tho.

1:35:50: “Don’t move, their vision is by motion” apparently gets trumped by “stay low and follow me.” That’s a freaking meat-eater tearing something to shreds. Maybe just chill for a minute?

1:36:13: “If the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists.”

1:44:12: There are far too many people in this movie who are stronger than dinosaurs. She just kept a dinosaur on the other side of a chain link fence by kicking the door. WTF?

1:45:31: RIP guy who thought velociraptors were awesome. At least he died doing what he loved? Not sure.

1:48:14: I totally forgot the kitchen was a thing. I knew that from this, which always made me laugh.

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1:52:17: Now even the 14-year-old vegetarian is stronger than a dinosaur.

1:53:22: “I can’t get the gun unless I move” she says as she leans against the joint of the door, literally doing NOTHING to help keep the dinosaur out.

1:55:28: Apparently when they cloned these dinosaurs, they removed all their strength and their defenses against kicks to the jaw. One kick and that dinosaur literally fell from the ceiling to the floor. Why?

1:57:55: How did the T-Rex even get IN there???

First off, I will say I bet this movie was a BLAST in theaters when it first came out. On a huge screen, it would be great. And I know I really shouldn’t nitpick on facts in a sci-fi movie, but these are actual creatures about which things are known. So when those things are disregarded and basic physics are thrown out, it bothers me. If they were up against aliens, or some unknown creature, then I wouldn’t know how things should go. And I’m not a scientist OR a physicist, so there’s a possibility everything that happened actually made sense. But .. it didn’t to me? It was still super enjoyable and a great popcorn movie. Plus, Jeff Goldblum.

Next up: “Dial M for Murder.” I know the queue’s been out of order lately, but “Imitation of Life” was on a long wait so it just got mailed out and it will go after “DMFM.”

‘Vertigo’

October 20, 2016

Stars: Kim Novak, James Stewart

Rated: PG

Released: 1958

What I “know”: Literally nothing. There will be times on here where I’m like “I have no idea” but like, I knew Wuthering Heights was an old-time movie, it was a romance, etc. This one, LITERALLY nothing. I know that vertigo is like when you have trouble balancing because of liquid in your ears or something. But this movie is 100 percent not in my subconscious at all. In fact, I skipped the first three lines above AND haven’t added a feature photo yet so I could honestly say I know nothing about it.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “One of Alfred Hitchcock’s darkest and most compelling suspense films tells the story of police detective Scottie Ferguson (James Stewart), who has a crippling fear of heights — and an all-consuming obsession with a married woman. When an old friend asks him to call his wife (Kim Novak), Scottie is drawn into a vortex of deceit and murder. But that’s only the beginning as a mesmerizing score draws Scottie to the film’s haunting final shot.”

OK, No. 1, I despise Jimmy Stewart. Admittedly, that’s largely based on how much I hate “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but his stupid weird voice and all the stammering and “gosh golly, guys, I’m so darn lucky!” makes me want to murder his face. No. 2, I honest to god didn’t know this was a Hitchcock movie. I think this will be my first.

First, the trailer:

1:49: This opening makes me think of the Spirograph toy from when I was a kid. Do those things still exist? They were awesome.

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4:46: Not even 5 minutes in and Jimmy Stewart has already killed someone. A fellow cop, nonetheless. All because he’s afraid of heights and still decided to go jumping rooftop to rooftop. Good work, genius.

5:02: I sincerely hope that’s a flashback and at some point we’re going to find out what happens, because cutting from him hanging there like a sack of nothing to him in a very cluttered apartment is weird.

6:30: Oh, so he fell too, but he just dinged his back a little bit? Unfair. And THAT’S what made him afraid of heights? Yeesh. Lord, his voice is annoying.

8:13: Wait, they’re sitting here playing happy house couple and they’re not even together? Ah, the original friendzone.

8:23: “Well, we were engaged once, weren’t we?” Way to win the ladies over, you blockhead.

11:17: She’s very strong to catch a very tall fainting man off a stepchair (what was that thing, anyway?). Also, he’s a terrible fake fainter.

12:52: I love that he’s like “I can’t go to that rooftop bar, but there are plenty of street level bars in this town.” A man with his priorities straight.

17:05: The restaurant, Ernie’s, is gaudy as hell. Red tapestry wallpaper, red velvet chairs, red carpet? Gah.

18:03: Kim Novak is very beautiful. Wow.

18:48: So judging by the fact that Jimmy Stewart is sitting in the car, staring at a building, he went from “No, your wife is crazy and I don’t believe in spirits” to “Hmmm yeah I could deal with following this hot chick around town for a while.”

20:05: As a stalke … I mean, I would guess someone who was following someone wouldn’t turn down a one-way alley. There’s no other reason for you to be there and now you can’t get out until she leaves. You circle the block, park on the street and watch. Stalking 101.

21:02: Not going to lie, I’m a little disappointed. With the alley entrance, the creepy hallway, I thought she’d be, like, harvesting organs from orphans. But it’s just a black-market florist? Or just a secret entrance for richies who don’t want to bump into commoners on the street?

25:20: He’s a really terrible hider, for a stalker. Maybe they don’t teach you that in detective school? It’s a small cemetery, obviously not just for people to go wandering around in, and he’s just strolling around, all tall, in a brown suit and not even PRETENDING to not be following her.

26:07: In his defense, however, her perception skills appear to be less than zero.

26:43: Holy shit, Hitchcock did not work in vagaries, did he? “Zoom in on her bouquet, now zoom in on the same bouquet in the painting. Good, good, good. Now, go back to her but zoom in on her hair. Then, back to the painting and show that the woman has the SAME HAIR STYLE. Good, good. Hopefully everyone sees what we’re trying to do here.”

28:56: So he sees her go into this weird-ass McKittrick Hotel and my first thought was, “He should Google that hotel, see if like that’s where Carlotta died or something.” Then I remembered … 1958. Oops?

30:56: OK, 30 minutes into “Hitchcock’s darkest and most compelling suspense” finally something happens. He sees her walk in, the room is registered to Carlotta, she’s in the room, but the lady at the front desk says she’s not AND the key’s still there. Also, is that how hotels worked then? You left your key and got it when you came back? Weird.

32:43: Midge is the hero of this movie. Successful, kick-ass apartment, and not afraid to put Jimmy Stewart in his place. Midge wins!

35:28: The book store owner’s cigarette just went from freshly lit to almost nothing in 20 seconds. Continuity, people!

37:21: Why does she keep calling him Johnny in this part? His name is Scottie. Like Johnny Law? But he’s not a cop any more. Now I wonder if it was just a mistake, or if it means something later.

38:41: It seems too obvious, but she’s just Carlotta’s descendant, right? How else would she have inherited her jewelry? I feel like that’s too obvious. Never having seen a Hitchcock movie, I’m just going to assume, earlier obviousness aside, that he wouldn’t be that see-through 1/4 of the way through the movie.

39:09: Oh, great-grandmother. I couldn’t remember how long ago she died. Glad that they covered that and it’s not that. Still wondering where this all goes? Why can’t she just be a sad great-granddaughter who wishes her great-grandmother hadn’t been shunned by her baby daddy?

42:25: He is a REALLY terrible stalker. He follows her to where there’s no one else, and no reason for there to be anyone else, then parks his car in plain sight like 100 feet behind hers. How she doesn’t hear his car door close I’m just blaming on the water. But man, he should have been made like 10 times already.

43:00: I will say that I like Stewart in this movie. With my only previous experience being that godawful “Wonderful Life,” I’m glad to see he’s not that guy.

43:10: Saving a suicidal woman or copping a feel? You be the judge.

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43:31: Let’s also talk about how someone jumping five feet down into the water wouldn’t be unconscious. She wasn’t even underwater, just floating on top.

44:14: “This lady is suicidal and went unconscious in the water. I’ll just take her home and build a fire, that’ll fix everything!” Did they not have hospitals, you jerk?

44:53: She’s topless in a strange man’s bed? Her dress is in the kitchen, and she’s in her bedroom. I sincerely hope she undressed herself, put a robe on and went to bed, but she still had to do so with the door open. Creepy Stewart!

45:13: Not a single “Who the hell are you, why are you in my house, and why am I in bed with no shirt on with you here?” Not a ONE?

46:56: She still hasn’t asked who he is, why he’s trying to make her drink things, and just totally trusts him that she “fell into the bay” and he saved her? Man, the ’50s were a glorious time.

49:53: So his name IS John Ferguson? Is “Scottie” a nickname for John all of a sudden?

52:52: No. 1, that dame got dressed quickly. No. 2, did Midge just get creepy? “Well, Johnny O, was it a ghost? Was it fun?” What??

54:52: When she pulls in, there’s no car next to her. Then it cuts back and there’s a blue car. Every time I watch a movie, I become more convinced that I should be a continuity person. Things like that just bug the hell out of me. Can someone tell me how that happens? I want that job! I’d be awesome at it.

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58:29: So the weird guy who “saved” her just invites himself along, she puts him in her car and heads into the woods with him? On foot? With no real idea of who he is? Insanity.

1:00:14: She just said “here is where I died.” He calls her Madeline as she walks away. Try Carlotta, you weirdo!

1:03:20: Seriously, the scarf continuity is KILLING ME. In some of the takes, it’s clearly pinned in place, then sometimes, it’s completely off her neck.

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1:05:06: Hey, Scottie, maybe don’t make out with the schizo chick who’s married to your college friend. Just a little piece of 20/20 hindsight for you.

1:07:35: Nope, Midge is batshit too. Painting a portrait of herself to look like Carlotta? What is HAPPENING with chicks back then? And her meltdown after he leaves … *insert cuckoo sounds here*

1:14:33: It never ceases to amaze me with older movies … two kisses and like three conversations and they’re all “I love you Madeline” and “I love you too.” Cool your jets!

1:15:53: Dearest Johnscottie, don’t let the crazy one who has already tried to kill herself twice go into the church, alone, just because she kissed you and gave you doe eyes. Yeesh.

1:17:03: He wasn’t even running that fast. They should have given her a bigger head start to make it realistic. Or maybe, subconsciously, he didn’t want to catch her.

1:17:03: Also, I want to hear his phone call to his friend. “Yeah, uh, I was with her. How’d she get down to that mission 100 miles south of San Francisco? Well, that’s kind of a crazy story … um, we made out after she tried to kill herself again and then we were in love and I thought I could cure her and … well I guess that’s about it. Sorry about your loss?”

1:18:45: A room full of blue suits appears to be something legal-y? Not sure yet. But bless the guy at the table who almost immediately was like, “Rather than take her to an institution where we could have figured out what was wrong, this guy decided to just have his old college friend keep an eye on her.”

1:20:11: This guy! This guy at the table! “It’s a pity, knowing her suicidal tendencies, that he did not make a great effort the second time.” I love this guy. He does not, however, love Johnscottie. He’s totally leading the jury, all like “Yeah, also don’t judge him for all of his terrible decisions after she plunged to her death” then starts listing them all. This guy for president. Well, he’s probably dead. But he might still be a better option.

1:22:30: “Sorry, Scottie, that was rough,” says the man whose wife was in love with his friend and who ran away with him to kill herself. Forgiving ol’ chap, that friend.

1:24:38: This dream sequence is trippy as hell. I don’t know what Hitchcock was on, but I’ll take two.

1:25:49: If he’s in a mental hospital, that’s the nicest one I’ve ever seen. I mean, in entertainment. I’ve never SEEN a mental hospital. Oh, never mind.

1:29:35: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING. Is this like in the future, with no symbols of time passing? Is this a flashback? He went from mute in a mental hospital and “Mozart isn’t going to help at all” to standing outside Madeleine’s (that’s what her gravestone said, but I’m not going back to change my previous references) place and staring at her car. Either it’s a flashback or that place just let a dead woman’s car sit in their lot for more than a year.

1:30:05: Oh, some lady bought the car and lives there. Never mind. Also, old ladies do love to stick their noses in other people’s business. Man, oh man, lady … time and a place.

1:31:00: Well, Ernie’s hasn’t gotten any less gaudy in the time he was cuckoo.

1:32:16: Scottie just went from “grieving lover” to “creepy stalker” really quickly when he saw the green dress lady. Stop following women around town, Scottie! It doesn’t end well!

1:35:57: Never mind, she’s as crazy as he is. Hey, lady, helpful tip? Don’t pull out your driver’s license and give the weird guy your address in Kansas. Lordy, these two.

1:37:54: AND YOU DON’T GO ON A DATE WITH HIM. I don’t want to victim-blame here, but come on. Smart decisions.

1:38:58: Wait a cotton pickin’ minute. So dual Kim Novak is actually Kim Novak? Her husband didn’t need insurance money, right? What is happening here? You can’t just pull something like that with NO hints, Hitchcock.

1:41:43: “I’m going to write a full confession, tear it into four pieces, then just toss it in the trash even though you’re a detective, albeit a pretty terrible one from all examples, but this should do it!”

1:43:58: IT IS NOT SEXY to tell a woman you’ve had one date with not to go to work and to “let me take care of you.” That’s just weird. Old time love stories are weird in their pace.

1:47:14: He is legitimately treating her like a doll of his dead girlfriend. OK, now I get why this movie is so creepy. Gross, Scottie. At least TRY to pretend like you’re doing it for her. Also, where do you go to buy clothes that OTHER PEOPLE try it on for you and model it?

1:50:50: “I’ll wear the clothes if you want me to, if you’ll just like me” made me cringe. But him then deciding “Nope, that’s not good enough, you also have to go blonde to truly be my Stepford girlfriend” is horrifying. “It can’t matter to you?” SERIOUSLY? “It can’t possibly bother you to change every single thing that makes you you so that I can deal with my emotional baggage.” What a dick.

1:51:00: “If I do what you tell me, will you love me?” “Yes.” GROSS. I hope he falls off a roof and that’s the haunting last image.

1:56:10: “OK, great, now that you look like the ghost of a woman I spent less time with than I have you, I will finally kiss you.” I want to punch him in the face so hard.

1:58:10: OH NO SHE’S WEARING THE NECKLACE. She was careful enough to hide her gray suit, but not the stupid necklace from the painting?

Well that final bit, with the nun, was a bit of a copout. But I sincerely hope he had to go back on trial in front of the same guy and explain why a SECOND woman, who looked exactly like the first, died in the same place with him there. I’d pay for that sequel. As for my first Hitchcock movie, well … meh? It’s hard to judge old movies on their own basis because I didn’t see other movies of that time period as much, so it’s hard to do apples to apples. Parts of it were SO blatant and over the top, but then the big twist wasn’t even really given any kind of foreshadowing? I liked the end of it (as you can tell by the increase in my use of caps lock) but it took a long time to get there, and I feel like Midge was just wasted. RESPECT FOR MIDGE.

Next up: How to Marry a Millionaire!