Stars: Charles Coburn, Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russell
Rated: NR
Released: 1953
What I “know:” It has Marilyn Monroe in it, so I assume she’ll be a vacuous, beautiful blonde with a really high-pitched, breathy voice. And there are gentlemen, real or metaphorical?
What I know after reading the Netflix blurb (this one’s streaming): “A blond showgirl is unknowingly tracked by an investigator hired by her fiancé’s father. But the detective only has eyes for her brunette friend.” Well, either the detective is no gentleman, or the title is stupid, or it’s intentionally so. So much going on already! And bonus, after the interminable “The Sound of Music” … It’s only 91 minutes long!
TRAILER!
P.S. I turned off my 78th viewing of “The Notebook” (and third today) to watch this. The sacrifices I make …
1:36: Well, that “Little Rock” song was horrible. Oh god, is this a musical too? Please no.
3:11: Either this “Little Rock” song is really long, or it’s a fully themed-out “Little Rock” stage show. Please let it be the latter.
3:34: Monroe’s lipstick is a nightmare in this number. I mean, I don’t wear makeup often, but I’m pretty sure your liner isn’t supposed to be 17 shades darker than your lips.
5:52: Ewwwww she just called him daddy. Also, Jane Russell is all legs. Good lord.
6:37: This timeline is all wonky. She thinks he’s got a ring, he gives her a ring, then they’ve already planned their wedding? What were people doing in the ’50s?
7:35: I know it’s her thing, but every time Monroe speaks, she sounds like a 6-year-old. Kind of kills the sexy, you know?
9:44: “If the ship hit an iceberg and sank, which one would you save from drowning?” “Those girls wouldn’t drown.” Was that a boob joke? In 1953??
11:49: Oh, the 1950s, when the Olympic relay team was four white guys.
13:34: Russell was only 32 when this was made? She looks 40s, easily. Life must have been hard back then, based on her here and Lauren Bacall in “How to Marry a Millionaire.”
18:04: I mean, Monroe’s not a good singer. That’s gotta be accepted fact, right? Not a great actress, not a great singer, but killer body and likes to pout? Was that her thing? Also, kind of bitchy of Russell, who isn’t saying goodbye to anyone, to hog a whole window with her singing Olympians while other people are like trying to wave to their families.
21:32: A bunch of men in only short shorts doing gymnastics in front of a giant painting of a Spartan? Like … that has to be intentional, right?
22:28: As per usual, I could do without the music. But I like Jane Russell WAY more than Marilyn Monroe. I’ve seen Monroe in three things now and she annoys me.
22:40: So the coach is so strict he makes them go to bed at 9 p.m., but he’s fine with this chick in a bustier walking around and messing with his guys while they’re “training?” Sure.
24:25: “I like muscles … and red corpuscles.” Are they serious with this? “I like red blood cells.” Good for you, honey.
32:04: Russell’s “Thank YOU” to Piggy’s snobby wife just made my day. She’s so catty. I love it.
(gif unrelated, but I love Russell.)
34:22: Apparently I can never go on a cruise. I don’t have an evening gown covered head to toe in sparkles to wear to eat from the buffet.
36:11: Holy crap, that kid is a smooth dude. “I’m old enough to know a good-looking woman when I see one. This promises to be quite a trip.”
39:51: Why is she wearing a widow’s shroud with an off-the-shoulder dress? 1950s fashion was weird.
43:27: I like the Monroe’s response to being caught hugging a strange, old, diamond-mining billionaire by the man she thought was interested in her friend but instead was spying on her was basically “Oopsy!”
45:19: Of course Monroe locks herself in the dude’s cabin. Those shouldn’t lock people in, so maybe, just maybe … try the door lock?
45:37: Oh. My. God. She held her hands up to the porthole window, moved them down to her hips, and is now trying to shimmy out? Lady, you have a tiny waist but big-ass hips. You have curves. That’s what dudes loved about you. That and your insane over-lip-moving enunciations of sentences.
46:26: This kid is legit the breakout star of this movie. “I’ll help you for two reasons. The first reason is, I’m too young to be sent to jail. The second reason is, you’ve got a lot of animal magnetism.”
47:25: THEN HE STICKS HIS HAND OUT FOR PIGGY TO TAKE HIS PULSE. Muahahahahahah. This kid is a gift to this movie.
49:43: It feels a little awkward for Monroe to be asking if three sleeping pills is enough.
52:08: I love that even after Monroe moves the glass from spilling water all over his pants that Russell just keeps emptying the pitcher. He can’t possibly be drunk enough after one drink to not see through this. “WHAT KIND OF DINNER PARTY IS THIS?”
57:27: So they just let him walk out of their cabin with the photos? No one noticed the large, yellow Kodak envelope he was carrying? Monroe deserves everything that happens to her.
1:04:14: Those kids are wearing fezzes. Fezzes are cool.
1:06:00: I will give this movie credit for this: At least in this cafe scene, people are realizing they’re singing and acting like it’s a performance. That’s my main issue with musicals … people just act like singing in the middle of a conversation is totally normal. However, them ditching on the check for that tiny cup of coffee is terrible.
1:08:20: “It’s men like you who have made me the way I am. And if you loved me at all, you’d feel sorry for the terrible troubles I’ve been through instead of holding them against me.” God, she’s delusional.
1:09:29: So I finally get what Madonna’s “Material Girl” video was referencing.
1:10:50: I don’t believe for a second that operatic song intro was Monroe singing. Not even a little.
1:19:10: Oh, Jane Russell, you minx. Dressing up in a blonde wig and a giant fur coat. Thankfully, the lawyer is super blind so you can pass.
1:20:02: I want to start saying “Thank you ever so” for no reason at all.
1:21: 39: This song would NOT continue in court for even four seconds, but she’s way better at this song than Monroe. And she’s sassy as all hell.
1:26:00: That whole courtroom scene was a trainwreck.
1:28:24: “I want to marry him for your money.”
1:30:15: Of course, there’s a dual wedding. And of course they bring the garbage “Little Rock” song back. Jane Russell has terrible taste in men.
Overall, this movie wasn’t terrible. That kid was a delight, and Jane Russell is right up there with Bette Davis for “favorite no-nonsense woman” so far. Marilyn Monroe makes me want to claw my eardrums out, but it wasn’t bad?
Next up: “What’s Up, Doc?”
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