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October 2016

‘How to Marry a Milloinaire’

October 29, 2016

Stars: Lauren Bacall, Betty Grable, Marilyn Monroe

Rated: NR

Released: 1953

What I “know”: Very little, but that’s some damn star power. Also, I’m VERY excited to have a 95-minute movie, and a comedy. I need this.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In this classic comedy, three New York models (Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable and Lauren Bacall) set up an apartment with a mission: They plan to use their looks, charm and talent to catch and marry a trio of millionaires. The gold-digging dames’ outrageous man-hunting scheme does attract wealthy candidates, but love and money don’t appear to coexist; all three women must choose between the extremes.”

First off, I accidentally typed “god-digging,” which is a totally different movie. Also, this sounds more and more like exactly what I need right now. Super psyched. Double also, I’ve never seen anything with Monroe or Grable in it, and I’ve only seen Bacall in “Casablanca,” which I hated. So I’m double excited.

Trailer!

I try not to watch the trailers any more, as I don’t want things spoiled. But I started this one just to make sure it’s not just labeled wrong and man … they sure liked to advertise the technology and stuff with words. I think I made it 42 seconds in and it was still just words on the screen about Cinemascope. Good luck, y’all!

00:43: So I just learned that that incessant selling of Cinemascope in the trailer was the first scene of the movie (minus the 400 words). just a giant giant GIANT freaking orchestra. I need some zany dames! None of this classy junk.

2:02: Seriously, did I get the wrong disc? Is this just a concert performance? What is happening here?

3:01: Ummmmm… still just an orchestra? No credits, no nothing. Just literally an orchestra.

5:02: This movie is an hour and 35 minutes. That means that SO FAR the first 1/19th of this movie has just been an orchestra. And that 1:35 counts things like the closing credits. I really feel like I should have fast-forwarded by now. If I’d been alive in the ’50s and gone to see this in the theater, I’d be pissed if I could have waited a little longer for fresh popcorn.

5:51: The conductor turned around and bowed. I thought it was over. THEN HE RAISED HIS BATON AGAIN. WTF is even going on in this thing????? Marilyn Monroe better be hiding in a timpani.

6:05: WAIT THAT WAS LEGITIMATELY JUST AN INTRO TO THE CREDITS? Go home, 1953, you’re wasting my life.

6:41: Musical direction is by Alfred Newman. It makes sense now. It’s all an elaborate ruse. Where’s Spy vs. Spy?

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7:12: Finally the movie starts. Egads.

7:46: Ooooh this movie ALSO shows my favorite bridge in Central Park. Not all is forgiven, but some. So pretty!

8:20: If you took the “under” on the 8-minute line for the first bit of dialogue, I’m sorry for your loss.

9:02: The doorknob is in the middle of the door? Is that a thing? Was it a thing? Is that a New York thing? So weird. Nice apartment though. If these chicks can afford this apartment for their scam, they don’t need millionaires.

11:23: Oh, Marilyn. Those are pretty nice glasses. No need to hide your blindness just to catch you a man. After all, as soon as you shake hands with his lamp, he’s going to know you can’t see shit.

12:30: Never mind, don’t wear the glasses. Apparently men will buy your week’s worth of groceries if you’re not wearing glasses.

14:11: “The next thing you’ve got to remember is that a gentleman you meet among the cold cuts is simply not as attractive as, say, one that you meet in the mink department at Bergdorf’s.” No. 1, why is there a whole department for mink? No. 2, I’d be wary of any man hanging about in the mink department. Probably a furry. No. 3, how do three models in NYC not recognize a dude whose last name is on a building?

14:45: I’m just going to type this in verbatim and bite my tongue on what a dolt she is. This is Bacall, or Mrs. Paige (Page? No clue) on her ex-husband: “I was absolutely nuts about that guy and you know what he did to me? First off, he gives me a phony name. Second, it turns out he was already married. Third, from the second the preacher said “Amen,” he never did another tap (?) of work. The next thing I knew he’d stolen my television set and given it to a carhop. And when I asked him how’s about that he hits me with a chicken!” WTF, ladies? I don’t think money is your real problem with men.

15:38: In her defense, I do use more brains in picking horses in races than I do in choosing men. Point, Bacall.

16:37: “Well if you don’t marry him, you haven’t caught him … he’s caught you.” Bacall, pre-feminism. And I present Betty Grable:

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18:32: I feel like Bacall’s the mom and Grable and Monroe are her ditzy Chrissy Snow-like daughters. I guess I shouldn’t expect a 1950s rom-com about gold-diggers to showcase really deep characters, but come on.

20:13: Bacall’s bitching that they’re not engaged after three months, let alone married. Good lord, things moved quickly back then. Also, hard to get engaged if your gentleman caller has nowhere to sit because you’ve had to sell everything from your furnished apartment to buy a loaf of bread.

29:26: God, these women are vapid. I get it, it’s the time and the models and blah blah blah. But I like Grable the best. She’s charming as hell. And it’s good to see that Marilyn Monroe plays understated with her outfit.

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32:30: It oddly cracks me up that Marilyn Monroe’s dream of her wealthy future with her one-eyed husband starts with a gold plane and ends with an Arabian prince just handing her armfuls of jewels.

33:31: HAHAHAHAH Grable’s is a hot sandwich and a beer. I knew I liked her!

35:29: Monroe is rocking some serious stripper heels in this bathing suit modeling gig she’s doing. Clear sole and heel, strappy? Ahead of her time, I say.

37:31: These outfits in this fashion show thing are RIDICULOUS. I hope these aren’t indicative of the times.

45:14: Betty Grable is a petulant child in this scene in the lodge, but I love that she’s a.) walking around all normal until she smells the rum; b.) then decides she’s on death’s door and she has a 102-degree temperature. When I’m at 102, I’m dead to the world.

47:01: Cut back to NYC and some sneaky guy in a cab in the pouring rain with a hat, trenchcoat and sunglasses. He rolls down the window in the back seat, looks out, then gets out the other door … leaving the window down. What a jerk! He’s apparently Mr. Denmark but I don’t remember who that is? The apartment’s owner? I can’t remember. Ah, yes, income tax reference, that’s him.

48:36: So wait, they’re really just subletting and they sold THIS guy’s stuff? That’s some sketchy stuff there, Bacall.

52:02: Bacall is 25 in this movie like I’m 25 now. PS I’m 40. Holy crap, I just googled, and she was only 29. Cripes, she aged QUICKLY. I honestly would have put her in late 30s. Did she not have a “dewy young” stage??

55:28: The special effects in this movie are awesome. They’re “skiing” downhill by standing in front of a moving screen with fans blowing on them. Love it. Also, Grable sure is active for someone with the measles.

56:56: Wait, so she’s better and now he has measles? And the guy said she’d be better in “a couple of weeks?” So they’ve been at this cabin for at least 2-3 weeks, they’ve got a housekeeper of some sort … and this guy’s wife doesn’t care that he’s just gone and sick to death without her? What is even going on in this movie?

58:07: I’m back on Team Grable after her big thing with poor people not disinheriting their kids.

1:00:11: I’m 2/3 of the way through this movie and I’m calling shenanigans on the Netflix sleeve. It said they’d have to choose between love and money … Grable’s ‘poor’ guy owns a crapton of land, Bacall’s ‘poor’ guy has a whole building named after his family and Monroe doesn’t even have a ‘poor’ guy. They’re just choosing between rich and slightly less rich. Also, Bacall’s rich guy dumped her and Grable’s rich guy is married. This whole premise is off!

1:00:55: So Bacall’s rich guy found all the original furniture, months later, like it hadn’t been resold. SHENANIGANS, I TELL YOU.

1:02:35: Monroe’s “rich” boyfriend doesn’t even have one eye? He’s pretending to be blind, and she’s pretending to see. Oh, you crazy kids.

1:0something: “I already think you’re quite a strudel.” Man, the ’50s were weird. (there must be a scratch on my DVD, it skips this scene, so I found it on YouTube). I guess Monroe’s ‘poor’ man is the guy evading the IRS.

Also, I’m a little sad now. Previously, the only time I’d ever seen Marilyn Monroe in a moving picture was her singing Happy Birthday to JFK. Now … I’m just saddened by who she had to be. The breathy, ditzy blonde with the killer figure. Poor Norma Jeane.

1:10:51: “I don’t even own a bush.” Oh, Grable, you chose the Jim Breuer lookalike who lives in a shack.

1:13:20: So Grable’s rich dude has friends willing to pay for telegrams to cover up his cheating? Good friends.

1:17:13: God bless Grable for jumping in the photos and basically ending that dude’s marriage.

1:20:20: I oddly also love that Bacall has sold this guy’s stuff, twice, while she still has all her fancy clothes and fur coats.

1:29:15: Mr. Hanley with my life’s motto: “That’s one of the few advantages of age. Disappointments become a normal part of life.” PREACH.

1:35:19: And, of course, we close with the gotdamn orchestra.

I WISH the movie had been more like the last 20 minutes throughout. I really liked the last 20 minutes as it became more fluid and made more sense. I just couldn’t get into it early and I really hated the women. Well, except for Grable … well, Grable except for her fit at the lodge. The last 20 minutes, though, were gold. I liked the pacing of it, and the interplay in the conversations. Just wish it hadn’t taken so long to get there. I also feel like Mr. Hanley was the best dude in this movie. I’m glad he got out of it with only losing some cash instead of part of his life to Bacall.

More importantly … next up is a return to Robert Redford with “Jeremiah Johnson.” I had never heard of this movie until a friend told me I should watch it when I went full-on Redford fangirl after “The Way We Were,” so here we are.

‘Vertigo’

October 20, 2016

Stars: Kim Novak, James Stewart

Rated: PG

Released: 1958

What I “know”: Literally nothing. There will be times on here where I’m like “I have no idea” but like, I knew Wuthering Heights was an old-time movie, it was a romance, etc. This one, LITERALLY nothing. I know that vertigo is like when you have trouble balancing because of liquid in your ears or something. But this movie is 100 percent not in my subconscious at all. In fact, I skipped the first three lines above AND haven’t added a feature photo yet so I could honestly say I know nothing about it.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “One of Alfred Hitchcock’s darkest and most compelling suspense films tells the story of police detective Scottie Ferguson (James Stewart), who has a crippling fear of heights — and an all-consuming obsession with a married woman. When an old friend asks him to call his wife (Kim Novak), Scottie is drawn into a vortex of deceit and murder. But that’s only the beginning as a mesmerizing score draws Scottie to the film’s haunting final shot.”

OK, No. 1, I despise Jimmy Stewart. Admittedly, that’s largely based on how much I hate “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but his stupid weird voice and all the stammering and “gosh golly, guys, I’m so darn lucky!” makes me want to murder his face. No. 2, I honest to god didn’t know this was a Hitchcock movie. I think this will be my first.

First, the trailer:

1:49: This opening makes me think of the Spirograph toy from when I was a kid. Do those things still exist? They were awesome.

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4:46: Not even 5 minutes in and Jimmy Stewart has already killed someone. A fellow cop, nonetheless. All because he’s afraid of heights and still decided to go jumping rooftop to rooftop. Good work, genius.

5:02: I sincerely hope that’s a flashback and at some point we’re going to find out what happens, because cutting from him hanging there like a sack of nothing to him in a very cluttered apartment is weird.

6:30: Oh, so he fell too, but he just dinged his back a little bit? Unfair. And THAT’S what made him afraid of heights? Yeesh. Lord, his voice is annoying.

8:13: Wait, they’re sitting here playing happy house couple and they’re not even together? Ah, the original friendzone.

8:23: “Well, we were engaged once, weren’t we?” Way to win the ladies over, you blockhead.

11:17: She’s very strong to catch a very tall fainting man off a stepchair (what was that thing, anyway?). Also, he’s a terrible fake fainter.

12:52: I love that he’s like “I can’t go to that rooftop bar, but there are plenty of street level bars in this town.” A man with his priorities straight.

17:05: The restaurant, Ernie’s, is gaudy as hell. Red tapestry wallpaper, red velvet chairs, red carpet? Gah.

18:03: Kim Novak is very beautiful. Wow.

18:48: So judging by the fact that Jimmy Stewart is sitting in the car, staring at a building, he went from “No, your wife is crazy and I don’t believe in spirits” to “Hmmm yeah I could deal with following this hot chick around town for a while.”

20:05: As a stalke … I mean, I would guess someone who was following someone wouldn’t turn down a one-way alley. There’s no other reason for you to be there and now you can’t get out until she leaves. You circle the block, park on the street and watch. Stalking 101.

21:02: Not going to lie, I’m a little disappointed. With the alley entrance, the creepy hallway, I thought she’d be, like, harvesting organs from orphans. But it’s just a black-market florist? Or just a secret entrance for richies who don’t want to bump into commoners on the street?

25:20: He’s a really terrible hider, for a stalker. Maybe they don’t teach you that in detective school? It’s a small cemetery, obviously not just for people to go wandering around in, and he’s just strolling around, all tall, in a brown suit and not even PRETENDING to not be following her.

26:07: In his defense, however, her perception skills appear to be less than zero.

26:43: Holy shit, Hitchcock did not work in vagaries, did he? “Zoom in on her bouquet, now zoom in on the same bouquet in the painting. Good, good, good. Now, go back to her but zoom in on her hair. Then, back to the painting and show that the woman has the SAME HAIR STYLE. Good, good. Hopefully everyone sees what we’re trying to do here.”

28:56: So he sees her go into this weird-ass McKittrick Hotel and my first thought was, “He should Google that hotel, see if like that’s where Carlotta died or something.” Then I remembered … 1958. Oops?

30:56: OK, 30 minutes into “Hitchcock’s darkest and most compelling suspense” finally something happens. He sees her walk in, the room is registered to Carlotta, she’s in the room, but the lady at the front desk says she’s not AND the key’s still there. Also, is that how hotels worked then? You left your key and got it when you came back? Weird.

32:43: Midge is the hero of this movie. Successful, kick-ass apartment, and not afraid to put Jimmy Stewart in his place. Midge wins!

35:28: The book store owner’s cigarette just went from freshly lit to almost nothing in 20 seconds. Continuity, people!

37:21: Why does she keep calling him Johnny in this part? His name is Scottie. Like Johnny Law? But he’s not a cop any more. Now I wonder if it was just a mistake, or if it means something later.

38:41: It seems too obvious, but she’s just Carlotta’s descendant, right? How else would she have inherited her jewelry? I feel like that’s too obvious. Never having seen a Hitchcock movie, I’m just going to assume, earlier obviousness aside, that he wouldn’t be that see-through 1/4 of the way through the movie.

39:09: Oh, great-grandmother. I couldn’t remember how long ago she died. Glad that they covered that and it’s not that. Still wondering where this all goes? Why can’t she just be a sad great-granddaughter who wishes her great-grandmother hadn’t been shunned by her baby daddy?

42:25: He is a REALLY terrible stalker. He follows her to where there’s no one else, and no reason for there to be anyone else, then parks his car in plain sight like 100 feet behind hers. How she doesn’t hear his car door close I’m just blaming on the water. But man, he should have been made like 10 times already.

43:00: I will say that I like Stewart in this movie. With my only previous experience being that godawful “Wonderful Life,” I’m glad to see he’s not that guy.

43:10: Saving a suicidal woman or copping a feel? You be the judge.

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43:31: Let’s also talk about how someone jumping five feet down into the water wouldn’t be unconscious. She wasn’t even underwater, just floating on top.

44:14: “This lady is suicidal and went unconscious in the water. I’ll just take her home and build a fire, that’ll fix everything!” Did they not have hospitals, you jerk?

44:53: She’s topless in a strange man’s bed? Her dress is in the kitchen, and she’s in her bedroom. I sincerely hope she undressed herself, put a robe on and went to bed, but she still had to do so with the door open. Creepy Stewart!

45:13: Not a single “Who the hell are you, why are you in my house, and why am I in bed with no shirt on with you here?” Not a ONE?

46:56: She still hasn’t asked who he is, why he’s trying to make her drink things, and just totally trusts him that she “fell into the bay” and he saved her? Man, the ’50s were a glorious time.

49:53: So his name IS John Ferguson? Is “Scottie” a nickname for John all of a sudden?

52:52: No. 1, that dame got dressed quickly. No. 2, did Midge just get creepy? “Well, Johnny O, was it a ghost? Was it fun?” What??

54:52: When she pulls in, there’s no car next to her. Then it cuts back and there’s a blue car. Every time I watch a movie, I become more convinced that I should be a continuity person. Things like that just bug the hell out of me. Can someone tell me how that happens? I want that job! I’d be awesome at it.

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58:29: So the weird guy who “saved” her just invites himself along, she puts him in her car and heads into the woods with him? On foot? With no real idea of who he is? Insanity.

1:00:14: She just said “here is where I died.” He calls her Madeline as she walks away. Try Carlotta, you weirdo!

1:03:20: Seriously, the scarf continuity is KILLING ME. In some of the takes, it’s clearly pinned in place, then sometimes, it’s completely off her neck.

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1:05:06: Hey, Scottie, maybe don’t make out with the schizo chick who’s married to your college friend. Just a little piece of 20/20 hindsight for you.

1:07:35: Nope, Midge is batshit too. Painting a portrait of herself to look like Carlotta? What is HAPPENING with chicks back then? And her meltdown after he leaves … *insert cuckoo sounds here*

1:14:33: It never ceases to amaze me with older movies … two kisses and like three conversations and they’re all “I love you Madeline” and “I love you too.” Cool your jets!

1:15:53: Dearest Johnscottie, don’t let the crazy one who has already tried to kill herself twice go into the church, alone, just because she kissed you and gave you doe eyes. Yeesh.

1:17:03: He wasn’t even running that fast. They should have given her a bigger head start to make it realistic. Or maybe, subconsciously, he didn’t want to catch her.

1:17:03: Also, I want to hear his phone call to his friend. “Yeah, uh, I was with her. How’d she get down to that mission 100 miles south of San Francisco? Well, that’s kind of a crazy story … um, we made out after she tried to kill herself again and then we were in love and I thought I could cure her and … well I guess that’s about it. Sorry about your loss?”

1:18:45: A room full of blue suits appears to be something legal-y? Not sure yet. But bless the guy at the table who almost immediately was like, “Rather than take her to an institution where we could have figured out what was wrong, this guy decided to just have his old college friend keep an eye on her.”

1:20:11: This guy! This guy at the table! “It’s a pity, knowing her suicidal tendencies, that he did not make a great effort the second time.” I love this guy. He does not, however, love Johnscottie. He’s totally leading the jury, all like “Yeah, also don’t judge him for all of his terrible decisions after she plunged to her death” then starts listing them all. This guy for president. Well, he’s probably dead. But he might still be a better option.

1:22:30: “Sorry, Scottie, that was rough,” says the man whose wife was in love with his friend and who ran away with him to kill herself. Forgiving ol’ chap, that friend.

1:24:38: This dream sequence is trippy as hell. I don’t know what Hitchcock was on, but I’ll take two.

1:25:49: If he’s in a mental hospital, that’s the nicest one I’ve ever seen. I mean, in entertainment. I’ve never SEEN a mental hospital. Oh, never mind.

1:29:35: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING. Is this like in the future, with no symbols of time passing? Is this a flashback? He went from mute in a mental hospital and “Mozart isn’t going to help at all” to standing outside Madeleine’s (that’s what her gravestone said, but I’m not going back to change my previous references) place and staring at her car. Either it’s a flashback or that place just let a dead woman’s car sit in their lot for more than a year.

1:30:05: Oh, some lady bought the car and lives there. Never mind. Also, old ladies do love to stick their noses in other people’s business. Man, oh man, lady … time and a place.

1:31:00: Well, Ernie’s hasn’t gotten any less gaudy in the time he was cuckoo.

1:32:16: Scottie just went from “grieving lover” to “creepy stalker” really quickly when he saw the green dress lady. Stop following women around town, Scottie! It doesn’t end well!

1:35:57: Never mind, she’s as crazy as he is. Hey, lady, helpful tip? Don’t pull out your driver’s license and give the weird guy your address in Kansas. Lordy, these two.

1:37:54: AND YOU DON’T GO ON A DATE WITH HIM. I don’t want to victim-blame here, but come on. Smart decisions.

1:38:58: Wait a cotton pickin’ minute. So dual Kim Novak is actually Kim Novak? Her husband didn’t need insurance money, right? What is happening here? You can’t just pull something like that with NO hints, Hitchcock.

1:41:43: “I’m going to write a full confession, tear it into four pieces, then just toss it in the trash even though you’re a detective, albeit a pretty terrible one from all examples, but this should do it!”

1:43:58: IT IS NOT SEXY to tell a woman you’ve had one date with not to go to work and to “let me take care of you.” That’s just weird. Old time love stories are weird in their pace.

1:47:14: He is legitimately treating her like a doll of his dead girlfriend. OK, now I get why this movie is so creepy. Gross, Scottie. At least TRY to pretend like you’re doing it for her. Also, where do you go to buy clothes that OTHER PEOPLE try it on for you and model it?

1:50:50: “I’ll wear the clothes if you want me to, if you’ll just like me” made me cringe. But him then deciding “Nope, that’s not good enough, you also have to go blonde to truly be my Stepford girlfriend” is horrifying. “It can’t matter to you?” SERIOUSLY? “It can’t possibly bother you to change every single thing that makes you you so that I can deal with my emotional baggage.” What a dick.

1:51:00: “If I do what you tell me, will you love me?” “Yes.” GROSS. I hope he falls off a roof and that’s the haunting last image.

1:56:10: “OK, great, now that you look like the ghost of a woman I spent less time with than I have you, I will finally kiss you.” I want to punch him in the face so hard.

1:58:10: OH NO SHE’S WEARING THE NECKLACE. She was careful enough to hide her gray suit, but not the stupid necklace from the painting?

Well that final bit, with the nun, was a bit of a copout. But I sincerely hope he had to go back on trial in front of the same guy and explain why a SECOND woman, who looked exactly like the first, died in the same place with him there. I’d pay for that sequel. As for my first Hitchcock movie, well … meh? It’s hard to judge old movies on their own basis because I didn’t see other movies of that time period as much, so it’s hard to do apples to apples. Parts of it were SO blatant and over the top, but then the big twist wasn’t even really given any kind of foreshadowing? I liked the end of it (as you can tell by the increase in my use of caps lock) but it took a long time to get there, and I feel like Midge was just wasted. RESPECT FOR MIDGE.

Next up: How to Marry a Millionaire!

 

‘Wuthering Heights’

October 8, 2016

Stars: Laurence Olivier, Merle Oberon

Rated: NR

Released: 1939

What I “know”: If you want a full-on dismissal of the American education system, I have never read this book. I’ve never read any book by any Brontë sister. I’ve never seen any of the associated movies, either. So I’m 100 percent blind going into this. I’ve heard this referenced, but I couldn’t tell you thing one about it. Sorry?

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In director William Wyler’s beautiful adaptation of Emily Brontë’s classic story of passion, hatred and revenge, Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon star as Heathcliff and Cathy, whose tortured love affair ends when Cathy marries the wealthy Edgar.” First off, that’s a REALLY spoiler-filled sleeve, Netflix. Chill out. However, I’m intrigued by “passion, hatred and revenge,” or as I like to call it, the Holy Trinity of All My Relationships.

My real concern, of course, is the language. I assume this is all in like olde English or something. Hoping I’m wrong or it will be like watching an opera and I’ll have to base it on tone and contextual clues.

First, the trailer, because I love old trailers:

1:19: Oh, the house is called Wuthering Heights. That was a major question, tackled early. Well done!

2:05: Either this dude lives here, or people back then didn’t knock on doors. Also, awesome dog! That’s pretty much me every time I come home, minus about 100 pounds worth of dog.

3:15: Whoa, dude. Your dog is barking a guy he doesn’t know, who is in your house talking to your family and friends. Don’t kick your freaking dog for doing his freaking job. You monster. I don’t know who the ol’ grump is, standing in front of the fire, but he can suck it.

3:40: Mrs. Heathcliff? Oh, this is them? I don’t know what Olivier looks like aside from the photo I put at the start of this post, but I didn’t know he had a buttchin.

4:43: Candles sure do give off a lot of ambient light in movies. People walk into a room with a regular ol’ candlestick and suddenly you can see everything but the corners. Meanwhile, I light a giant pillar candle with like five wicks and couldn’t find my remote right next to it if I tried.

5:10: He took the candle from the 147-year-old servant, who is now going to break his hip falling down the stairs in the dark. You’re a real winner, new tenant!

7:15: Why is the owner of the house sleeping on a couch? Old timey people were weird.

7:42: Oh, so that’s him, but that’s not them. That’s his “I can’t have Cathy so I’ll marry this ol’ frumpy instead” wife. Got it. Also, I love that new tenant pulled and pulled on the window with no luck, and Heathcliff opens it without a struggle. It must only be able to be unlocked by tortured memories of a past love.

8:17: So, my favorite movie of all time EVER all time is “Gone With the Wind,” also released in 1939. Getting some serious flashbacks just from the styling and the music and the camera work.

9:42: New tenant: “Sure, I just heard a woman’s voice and saw her shape and felt something touch me and heard her say her name was Cathy, but I don’t believe in ghosts so nope.” Matt Drudge: “Sure, 1 million people are without power because of Hurricane Matthew, but I don’t believe in hurricanes so nope.” A willingness to change one’s opinions in the face of your actual experiences is just weird, y’all.

10:11: Uh, Heathcliff needs a new 132-year-old servant lady if this one’s just going to start gossiping about his love life to a guy she’s spoken 20 words to.

12:07: Cathy’s dad just referred to his newly-acquired street urchin as an “it.” WTF?

12:55: “Oh, no, don’t make me ashamed of you, Cathy.” That actually is awesome, even if he’s a dick to the poor as well. Snobby little girl calling the homeless kid “dirty.”

13:10: WAIT SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER ADOPTED HOMELESS STEPBROTHER? They left “familial relations” out of the keywords on the sleeve.

16:03: “Oh, Heathcliff, you’re so handsome when you smile.” Cathy has no chill.

18:35: Older brother can also chill out a little. Your dad’s dead, so you don’t have to compete with Heathcliff for his love any more. Don’t be such a jerk all the time, you spoiled rotten little jackass.

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“Yeah, you can be mean to me now, but I’m going to pay you back by destroying your sister’s heart and making mad, passionate love to her. VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE.”

20:06: Oh good, the older brother grows up to be an asshole and a drunkard. Winning!

21:55: “You’ll hoping I fall on the road and break my neck, aren’t you? Aren’t you?” Uh, we all are.

26:00: They’re trespassing and spying and Heathcliff is realizing that his dear Cathy wants all the trappings of wealth, and him … not so much. But the heart wants what it wants!

26:30: A dog that size grabs her bare ankle and she’s just going to be able to keep holding on to the wall? Doubtful. Come on, 1939 moviemakers … realism!

28:00: “Run away, bring me back the world.” Oh, Cathy, you dreamer you.

29:29: So she hooks up with the rich guy with the house and the dancing, comes home to flaunt it to her family after “some happy weeks” and it never occurred to her that maybe Heathcliff hadn’t run away to bring her back the world? Yikes, Cathy, buy a clue.

29:33: “Great talk of lying in a lake of fire without you and how he had to see you to live.” Trade THAT in for the money, you selfish wench.

30:31: GOD she is a bitch. Don’t treat him how your brother treated him just because you got all fancied up in a BORROWED dress. Yeesh.

30:59: She’s like the more common-looking Scarlett O’Hara, willing to trade in everything for whoever can give her the most money and things. Boooooo.

31:31: Phew. She’s standing up for him now, but it’s behind his back. She was still horrible to him to his face.

38:48: I feel Cathy may be bipolar. Just putting that out there. She doesn’t do coquettish as well as Scarlett, though.

39:15: “You’ll never love him, but you’ll let yourself be loved because it pleases your stupid, greedy vanity.” You go, Heathcliff.

41:12: So filled with self-loathing over a psycho woman that he punches out two windows and now his bed will be soaked with rain. You gotta think these things through, man. Love is such a horrible thing.

And here’s Cathy being the coldest bitch in history:

45:31: So Crazy Cathy just said “I am Heathcliff” to the ancient servant lady and then lightning flashes behind her. I feel like Cathy isn’t even playing with a half deck at this point, let alone a full deck.

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47:34: She goes running out to their “castle” in a driving rainstorm in that heavy-ass dress, getting it soaked and muddy. He was already long gone, she should have taken the 10 minutes to put on something else. Why have two losses in one day?

50:04: So her rich husband-to-be finds her on a cliffside, they give her something to drink, she says “Heathcliff” and then the doctor tells her in a month she’ll be feeling better. A month? For spending four hours in the rain? Damn, medicine, step up YOUR game.

53:01: Rich people just have peacocks running around their properties??

54:01: Dearest Crazy Cathy, a “feeling of doom” as you leave the church with your new husband is probably not the best sign in the world for your ongoing happiness.

58:16: Man, Edgar is thick. If her ex-lover/brother shows up wanting to see her and she doesn’t WANT to see him, there’s probably a reason. Don’t be all “Don’t worry about ME, love, I’ll be fine!” Especially if he’s gone out and made something of himself because that’s the only thing you had up on him in her eyes. Be happy she cares enough to try to save your stupid loveless marriage.

1:01:29: “It occurs to me that I have not congratulated you on your marriage. I’ve often thought of it.” *Cathy shifts her eyes down* Oh, Heathcliff, you sly dog.

1:02:30: Every time I watch one of these movies, I know how horribly uncomfortable the dresses must have been, and how hard they were to get in and out of, and how it probably took an hour to put them on and take them off. But I’ll be damned if I don’t want to flounce out of a room in one, just once. Or forever. Like how I feel about late ’50s, early ’60s fashion.

1:08:28: So Heathcliff’s going to hook up with his sister’s sister-in-law? People back then needed to get out of the house and meet more people.

1:09:45: Wait, Laurence Olivier married Scarlett O’Hara? Like in real life? And he was married to his first wife and she was married too when they started their affair? What is happening? I mean, it makes sense, they were big stars and both English, but I had no idea. I also learned from that link that he hated Oberon. Good acting, then, I guess?

1:23:31: Welp, Edgar finally figured it out. You could see his face go from, “Good, my wife agrees my sister shouldn’t marry my brother,” to “I wonder why she’s so fired up about this, she’s not protecting a poor, frail woman,” to “Holy shit, she’s in love with him.” Poor cuckolded Edgar.

1:24:13: HAHAHAAHAHAH the doctor just told Drunk Brother he should hit himself over the head with a hammer so he can achieve the same level of unconsciousness as he does from the drinking without all the wear and tear on the kidneys.

1:25:41: “If Cathy died, I might begin to live.” Man, I’m glad I’m not the only one who hates Cathy … but I hate to break it to Isabella that that’s not going to change Heathcliff’s feelings or behaviors. Sorry, lady, he’s smitten with the crazy.

1:36:04: “You wandered off like a wanton, greedy child, to break your heart and mine.” That’s it. That’s the movie.

1:38:33: Did they direct her for this final scene as “open your eyes as wide as they’ll go, talk like a crazy person and look more and more insane with every single word you speak?” Because if so, man, she nailed it.

Well that was a weird ending. He went out to their castle, met up with her ghost, then died? Random.

I appreciate this movie for the epic it is, but it also pissed me off. Two people (well, mostly one, but also the other later on) throwing love away with both hands. As someone who, at 40, spends her Friday night watching a 77-year-old movie because she couldn’t get a date if she tried, that just pisses me off. Like, honest to god pisses me off. If you are lucky enough to love someone who loves you, you love them with all you have, forever. I get that society and the time meant women were to marry men who could take care of them, blah blah blah. But it killed her, it drove him mad, and it made me hate both of them by the end of the movie. You fight for love, goddammit, because some of us would if we could.

Next up: Vertigo!

‘Roman Holiday

October 2, 2016

Stars: Audrey Hepburn, Gregory Peck

Rated: NR

Released: 1953

What I “know”: Audrey Hepburn takes a holiday. In Rome? With Gregory Peck? Because ageism is a thing that happens in movies and so nubile young women get to fall in love with old men? And I say that as someone who LOVES “Gone With the Wind” more than life. Meh, I just googled both and he was 37 to her 24 when this was released, so maybe it’s not AS gross as like a 50-year-old, but she still looked 17 and it’s still a little skeevetastic.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Princess Ann leaves her guardians, and while in Rome, she’s taken under the wing of tabloid writer Joe and his photographer sidekick. She thinks the boys don’t know who she really is, but they’re onto (sic) her — and sense a sensational story.” You know, I put the (sic) in there for the typo of onto vs. on to, but from the images I saw while picking one to top this, I feel like “onto” might be right after all. Gross. Sorry. I will say, skeevometer aside, I am very excited about this movie. I love old-timey romantic comedies, and I need something light and fun after my last few movies for this blog. Heeeere we go. #slickrick

00:13: “Presenting Gregory Peck?” This wasn’t his first movie. Why is he being presented? Isn’t that like “introducing?” Feels weird. Edit: Thank you, Wikipedia. “Peck’s contract gave him solo star billing, with newcomer Hepburn listed much less prominently in the credits. Halfway through the filming, Peck suggested to Wyler that he elevate her to equal billing—an almost unheard-of gesture in Hollywood.”

2:03: Her wave is everything. Like not the stiff, beauty queen wave, but like an “I couldn’t care less so I’m just kind of bobbling my wrist at you peasants” wave. Bless you, Princess Ann.

I went to go look for a clip of just her wave (YouTube has some weird stuff, don’t judge me) and THIS WAS THE TRAILER. I mean, it’s obviously done after the movie was released since it mentions her Academy Award win, but lord, this is amazing. They just call him Greg!

2:35: There’s a band running through the streets while playing. Step up your game, HS marching bands.

3:30: God, she was a stunningly beautiful woman.

5:11: No wonder she ran. I’m exhausted just watching her greet like eight of these people.

6:11: I mean, her shoe has a nice thick heel, but it’s still a heel. Bless her for kicking it off. And screw the judgmental hoity-toities who are sitting around her, judging her when it’s out there for show. Take yours off too! Do as the royals do! I’m torn on the guy who helped her though … sure, he helped her get her shoe on. But then he made her dance in the Shoes of Death!

10:00: Getting a little Scarlett O’Hara in her tantrum. Loving it. The launch into it was … not the best acting I’ve ever seen? But I love a thrashing rich girl complaining about being given things. And I did laugh at her “Thank you” “No thank you” string.

16:48: Doped-up princess just cut through someone’s horse-drawn carriage! That takes longer than just going around. Calm yourself, crazy girl.

17:00: That is the smallest poker table I’ve ever seen.

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22:39: Her wave was everything. Now the taxi driver is everything. “Three bambinos. You know bambinos? Hmm hmm *waaaaaaaah*” I love him. I hope he shows up again.

28:32: I feel like this isn’t the first time ol’ Joe has had to babysit someone who was without their full faculties. His reflexes are strong. AND I laughed out loud at least three times. I like!

30:13: When he flipped her out of the bed and on to the couch, I half-expected her to not be wearing the bottoms since she had asked earlier about sleeping in pajamas, but only the tops. Sadly, she’s fully dressed. She also has all his blankets now. This was not well thought out by Joe.

33:27: Joe bullshitting to his boss is all of us, at one point or another.

39:01: “I plan to enter her sick room disguised as a thermometer.” Oh, Joe. You rascal, you.

39:30: Gregory Peck looks like if someone spliced the DNA of Drew Scott (“Property Brothers”) with Topher Grace. It’s really weird.

46:52: HAHAAHA she felt for the bottoms of the pajamas once she came to. Perfect.

49:16: I don’t know if this is a royal thing or a 50’s thing, but lady, you’re in pajamas from head to foot. You don’t need to walk backward into the bathroom so he can’t see your pajama-clad booty.

52:30: How long was Joe on the phone that his cleaning lady berated his houseguest AND cleaned the whole joint before he got back? Bad time management, Joe.

55:15: I like that Joe has a little stalker in him.

59:47: I like a little less that he’s creepy with kids and tries to steal stuff from them.

1:06:25: “It was the 40th anniversary of the m…of the day he got his job.” This is the face of someone who thinks they’re more clever than they are:

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1:09:38: Irving is an idiot. You can’t say “I can take a hint” and then steadfastly refuse to take the hint. Idiot. Then again, the princess isn’t real bright either, but I do cut her some slack for being sheltered and not speaking American English slang.

1:10:47: “We can’t go running around town with the hot princess!” OK, on that point Irving is markedly smarter than Joe.

1:13:30: Where’d they get a scooter? Where’s Irving? He just blew off his girlfriend and ran after them and they just ditched him? Poor Irving. Always gets cut out of the fun scenes.

1:13:49: Well, they found Irving. He must have taken a taxi. Hope he got the same driver!

1:14:35: Nope, never mind, he’s in the weirdest car ever. It’s like it’s a rolltop desk, in mini-car form. Europe is weird. And he is a very unsafe driver, standing up and turning around to take a picture … My AAA mobile app would not give him very good scores for that part.

1:15:44: Women drivers, amirite?

1:17:05: Why was the whole scene with the cops silent? I’d love to know why being a reporter gets you excused from crimes. Seriously, I’d love to know. Please?

1:17:30: Did she just totally gloss over the fact he’s a reporter? Seriously? Silly girl.

1:19:45: Face on the wall: “I’ve just been violated by a 37-year-old man and his teenage crush. FML.”

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1:20:03: OK, so in the rolltop car, Ol’ Joe is standing up in the back, reaches over the top to open the door from the outside while still being inside the car, then folds himself into fifths to squeeze out the door instead of just, I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here, but STEPPING OUT OF THE BACK OF THE DAMN CAR.

1:29:30: This fight scene on the boat and dock between the undercovers and our raggedy protagonists is AMAZING.

1:30:10: Fine, Irving won me over with the “Hit ’em again, Smitty!” part.

1:30:41: I also laughed at the police pulling the one guy out by the guitar over his head. I love these kinds of movies!

1:32:03: Hey Joe, rather than plant your giant face on hers, maybe a good first step would have been to cover your bases with a “What was that all about?” or a “Why were those guys trying to kidnap you?” Yeesh.

1:33:03: Joe sees her in a paisley, silky robe: “Suits you. You should always wear my clothes.” “Seems I do.” Lord, why does he have a robe like that?

1:34:56: So he just casually drops he’ll move to a place with a kitchen so she can cook for him … Does he really see this ending with them  living a dream life? She’s a royal on the lam. You can’t just live the next 40 years like she’s not.

1:38:57: Forget everything I just wrote. Joe, you hightail it out of there with her still in the car. DO IT FOR 24-HOUR LOVE.

1:44:14: Nope, Irving’s a buffoon. HOW IS HE NOT GETTING THIS. “Hmm my friend had chemistry with the princess, she’s not here any more, he doesn’t want to write the story … what could be the reason?”

1:51:28: This is way better than the press conference in “Notting Hill,” which was just a nightmare.

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1:56:13: That last moment, with the tears welling up in her eyes … gah.

Well THAT was a melancholy ending. I know it couldn’t happen, but I still wanted her to run after him. This is my second-favorite movie of the ones I’ve done for this blog, and that’s only because I’m 99 percent sure nothing will touch “All the President’s Men.” But what a delightful little romp this was. I love silly miscommunications and sight gags and misdirections. When I finally finish the like 170 movies on my queue in 2048, I will go back and watch all the other 1950s movies just because. This was a great call, and much love to whatever friend put this on my list. I owe you.

Next up: Wuthering Heights!