Monthly Archives

November 2016

‘Jurassic Park’

November 19, 2016

Stars: Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Sam Neill

Rated: PG-13

Released: 1993

What I “know”: Way more than any movie so far, and that’s just from being a denizen of the internet. There’s a park where they’re cloning/creating real dinosaurs, and things go terribly awry (who couldn’t see that coming?). Also, Jeff Goldblum just Goldblums all over the place.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “A multimillionaire (Richard Attenborough) unveils a new theme park where visitors can observe dinosaurs cloned using advanced DNA technology. But when an employee tampers with the security system, the dinosaurs escape, forcing the visitors to fight for their survival. Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern star in this thrilling, action-packed blockbuster from acclaimed director Steven Spielberg and based on the novel by Michael Crichton.

I think I’m one of the few people on this planet who hasn’t seen this movie. Even my mom, who hasn’t seen a movie that isn’t on Lifetime or Hallmark in years, has seen it. This movie’s old enough to have a college degree and a crippling amount of student debt. I’m kind of psyched to see it, not going to lie. Who doesn’t love Jeff Goldblum?

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OK, besides that guy.

1:41: If that little forklift is carrying a dinosaur, that already looks like bad planning. A good jolt from inside the crate would knock that thing sideways … way too top-heavy.

2:20: And if it is a dinosaur, it must be a teeny-tiny baby for a.) it to fit in that crate and b.) for like 8 guys to be able to push a huge metal crate with a dinosaur in it.

3:07: OK, so the thing’s strong enough to break the seal with the compartment AND shove the crate backward and run people over, plus hold on to this dude while it’s being shocked a ton … but they could just gently push it in and carry it on a forklift? Shenanigans. I call shenanigans. I’m glad she ate that guy.

3:30: A guy in a suit is on a block of wood being pulled to the shore by a shirtless man in the Dominican Republic. How did he get on a piece of wood? He’s not wet at all, there’s no one else with him. Was he like on a plane that landed in the water and he climbed on to that and he was pulled three miles to the shore?  What is happening? Also, the guy with the hat who meets him … is in one of my very guiltiest pleasure movies, “Up Close and Personal” with Robert Redford and Michelle Pfeiffer. If you haven’t seen it, do it NOW.

8:27: Laura Dern is really rocking those mom jeans.

10:55: I’d just like the whole movie to be Richard Attenborough speaking, please.

13:45: Crap, I forgot Newman was in this.

15:18: Wait, there’s a black-market dinosaur trade going on? Or is this something else? Is there a side plot?

20:33: Well, both of them standing up in the jeep is the first part of the movie I’d seen before, so there’s that, but … how do you not notice that thing? Even if you’re staring at a map, it’s walking like 20 feet from you and making dinosaur noises. Come on, Dern. Pay attention!

21:05: These graphics were really cutting-edge in 1993, weren’t they? It’s so hard to think about things as they used to be because now I’m just like, “Meh, I’ve seen better.” It kind of stinks that way. Wish I’d seen this in its time.

21:49: He’s standing 10 feet from a dinosaur. Why is a T-Rex so mind-blowing??

22:59: I will say I would feel woefully unprotected in an open-air jeep, but I guess that’s a thing in like safaris and stuff. But still … I’d want to be in a tank or something.

23:42: The first super-Goldblumy moment .. sure there was him being weird on the helicopter, and him grinning maniacally in the jeep, but saying “Don’t you mean extinct?” then jogging up the stairs is prime Goldblumation.

27:25: WHY DID THAT MAN JUST ASK IF THE PEOPLE IN THE LAB WERE AUTO-EROTICA? WHAT IS HAPPENING? Auto-erotica in the same room with Jeff Goldblum? They were just asking for disaster.

31:11: Oh, Goldblum, you magnificent man.

33:57: This dude is basically telling them all that the queen velociraptor is a murder machine that is smarter and faster than they are. Why is everyone so jovial about it?

36:09: Wow, I never knew the “You were so preoccupied with if you could that you didn’t stop to think about if you should” or paraphrases thereof came from this movie. Neato!

38:53: Ooooh a CD-ROM? Yesssss. That being said, I’m not sure I like the idea of the cars being limited to one path if the dinosaurs are out there. They can just knock you over and you have no way to swerve. This is a first-level issue that they’ve overlooked.

39:56: Sam Neill facing the idea of being trapped in a car with a kid for hours is me facing the idea of being trapped in a car with a kid for hours.

40:54: SAMUEL L. FREAKING JACKSON? And his first line is “Hold on to your butts?” Thank you, Steven Spielberg. Thank you.

41:55: I feel like that gate is woefully undersized. One big set of doors and then the fence doesn’t even come close to being that tall. Even if it’s electric, they could figure it out. This lawyer is terrible at his job.

44:44: SERIOUSLY, the fence next to the tunnel they drove out of to get to the T-Rex part is like a slanted line down to where the concrete part starts, so there it’s only like 5-10 feet tall. This whole thing is a death trap. How did no one see this coming??

49:08: That dude who is afraid of velociraptors is right … They really should have locking mechanisms on the vehicles so idiots don’t jump out and run at the dinosaurs. This lawyer should be disbarred.

52:50: Goldblum just went lowbrow for the “pile of shit” comment while the only woman there is elbow deep in it, trying to help. Good on you, Laura Dern.

56:50: I hope the $1.5M that he expects to get is enough for Newman to realize what a total doof he is. “Oh, I’ll just turn off these security systems while the lawyer is here to determine if this park is even going to exist.”

1:00:18: I’m not going to lie, they are SUPER calm for people who have unelectrified fences and no security systems with giant dinosaurs and two cars full of people, including the main dude’s grandkids. I expect more action here.

1:02:46: So a T-Rex just showed up, walking heavily enough to jar their vehicles, and ate a goat 10 feet from their cars and no one noticed? They all deserve whatever happens to them. The order I’d like them eaten in: 1. The bratty little kid; 2. The lawyer; 3. The vegetarian; 4. Sam Neill; Never. Jeff Goldblum.

1:04:14: “Boy, do I hate being right all the time.” I feel you, Goldblum. I feel you. It’s a cross to bear, for sure.

1:05: 23: So she didn’t turn the light off just for the cool shot with his eye dilating? I mean, it was totally worth it (best shot of the movie so far) but makes her an idiot.

1:06:11: So a dinosaur can’t break a piece of plexiglass OR the arms of two children? And if you watch it, in the second shot it’s broken and they’re holding a piece of it and then they show it again and it’s whole again.

1:07:00: Also, kudos to the vehicle designer who came up with a jeep that could withstand a freaking DINOSAUR standing on it and not collapse, just sink down into the mud.

1:07:51: Well, I at least got No. 2 out of the way. And that wasn’t a poop pun, even though he was on a toilet.

1:09:10: They’re just sacrificing the boy? I mean, it’s the right choice, obviously, annoying little brat … but still surprising.

1:11:19: Oh yeah, I forgot. 3. Newman. Looks like I might get my wish, with only Nos. 1 and 2 reversed.

1:12:53: Bless Newman for talking to the dinosaur. He legit sounds like me when I come home and my dogs jump all over me. “I don’t have any food, guys. Look, no food! There’s no food here!”

1:14:10: I laughed really loudly at the dinosaur inside his jeep. Stupid Newman.

1:15:20: Physics lesson No. 402: If a vehicle slides down the side of a wall, as the jeep did when the T-Rex shoved it over, then it won’t suddenly change trajectory and end up in a tree about 50 feet away from the wall.

1:15:55: Also, there’s NO WAY that kid’s still alive. He’s like Rambo. And apparently with no broken bones AND no symptoms of shock. IT’S A MODERN MIRACLE.

1:17:35: Here’s a crazy idea … shimmy around the tree to where you’re not directly in the path of a falling vehicle?

1:17:56: Physics lesson No. 403: At some point that jeep would have started flipping. It wouldn’t just drive down the side of the tree.

1:19:13: GOLDBLUM LIVES.

1:23:53: Sam Neill, your “I guess we’ll just have to evolve too” doesn’t hold a candle to Goldblum’s “extinct” line. Stop being cheesy. It only works for him.

1:28:35: Laura Dern just put the beatdown on that delusional old man, and ended it with ice cream. That’s my kind of lady!

1:29:58: UGH. Dinosaur snot is disgusting.

1:32:36: I wish I was smart enough to know if any of this crap they’re spouting is real. Samuel L. sounds like a boss, tho.

1:35:50: “Don’t move, their vision is by motion” apparently gets trumped by “stay low and follow me.” That’s a freaking meat-eater tearing something to shreds. Maybe just chill for a minute?

1:36:13: “If the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists.”

1:44:12: There are far too many people in this movie who are stronger than dinosaurs. She just kept a dinosaur on the other side of a chain link fence by kicking the door. WTF?

1:45:31: RIP guy who thought velociraptors were awesome. At least he died doing what he loved? Not sure.

1:48:14: I totally forgot the kitchen was a thing. I knew that from this, which always made me laugh.

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1:52:17: Now even the 14-year-old vegetarian is stronger than a dinosaur.

1:53:22: “I can’t get the gun unless I move” she says as she leans against the joint of the door, literally doing NOTHING to help keep the dinosaur out.

1:55:28: Apparently when they cloned these dinosaurs, they removed all their strength and their defenses against kicks to the jaw. One kick and that dinosaur literally fell from the ceiling to the floor. Why?

1:57:55: How did the T-Rex even get IN there???

First off, I will say I bet this movie was a BLAST in theaters when it first came out. On a huge screen, it would be great. And I know I really shouldn’t nitpick on facts in a sci-fi movie, but these are actual creatures about which things are known. So when those things are disregarded and basic physics are thrown out, it bothers me. If they were up against aliens, or some unknown creature, then I wouldn’t know how things should go. And I’m not a scientist OR a physicist, so there’s a possibility everything that happened actually made sense. But .. it didn’t to me? It was still super enjoyable and a great popcorn movie. Plus, Jeff Goldblum.

Next up: “Dial M for Murder.” I know the queue’s been out of order lately, but “Imitation of Life” was on a long wait so it just got mailed out and it will go after “DMFM.”

‘History of the World: Part 1’

November 14, 2016

Stars: Mel Brooks, Dom DeLuise, Madeline Kahn, Harvey Korman, Cloris Leachman

Rated: R

Released: 1981

What I “know:” It’s Mel Brooks. And as someone who loves “Spaceballs,” I’m excited. I know I could use a few laughs after this week, and last night’s “Saturday Night Live” with Dave Chapelle helped … but I’m ready to laugh at things that don’t even tangentially involve the election. So yeah, what I know is it’s a Mel Brooks movie, and it has to do with history?

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Mel Brooks’s comic genius is unleashed in spades in this episodic spoof of history’s seminal moments (narrated by Orson Welles), which begins with a brilliant send-up of the cinematic classic “2001: A Space Odyssey.” Brooks goes on to lampoon the Stone Age, the Roman Empire, the Spanish Inquisition and ends with a clever takeoff on the French Revolution.

So two thoughts that may not make this the best movie for me to liveblog, so feel free to abort if you want: 1. Based solely on “Spaceballs” (the only Brooks film I’ve seen) I don’t know how many … takes I’ll have? Just kind of feels like “gag, gag, gag, line of dialogue, gag” which doesn’t really lend itself to me figuring out how things fit together; and 2. I’ve admitted previously I’m not a history person. So some things that are hilarious to others may just go over my head.

Trailer!

2:09: Never mind, first bit had me laughing. Well done, apemen. Nothing says “Settle into your seats for an award-winning classic, moviegoers of 1981” like masturbation.

6:25: This movie is really weird to me. It’s like if a fifth-grader made skits to go with his history textbook. I don’t get it. Bring me Darth Helmet!

8:06: So apparently they learned to speak thanks to a rock falling on someone’s foot? Awesome.

9:13: Does anyone know what Commandments 11-15 were? I feel like I probably have racked up a few more sins I’m not getting credit for.

9:38: I half-smiled at the “V and X Cent Store” for what it’s worth (15 cents).

11:40: Nice cameos by Hugh Hefner and Bea Arthur though. I will never not love Bea Arthur.

13:00: See, the humor is in the language, not the sight gags. “N-v-t-s nuts” made me laugh.

14:00: Man, that Gregory Hines guy sure could dance. Also, the first sight gag hits … and it involves his junk.

19:42: Madeline Kahn was a gift to the world. Only she can make gum-smacking and crudeness work .. my hero.

23:38: I was very hit or miss on Dom DeLuise whenever I’d see him. Sometimes funny, sometimes not. This is … a not? I don’t know. I sometimes go for over the top, but this isn’t it.

33:36: No, seriously, Madeline Kahn was amazing. The whole “pick your escorts for the orgy” bit was awesome.

37:44: I must have missed the whole “Gregory Hines was a funny guy” thing.

38:35: Welllllll the more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess?

42:41: Good ol’ Miracle. Not going to lie, the scene with the whipping made me nauseous, but I’m glad that beautiful horse is about to save these mischievous scamps.

43:11: I hope if I’m ever in a swordfight and all I have are props, that I’ll come up with a line to follow “Goodbye, head!” like “Hello, balls!” and then a swift kick.

45:40: Of course the black man smells “something familiar” and pulls them over to roll the largest blunt in history. Man, the ’80s were a weird time for racial stereotyping. Then again, it was a white guy walking through town with a boombox, I think? So maybe not. I think “Blazing Saddles” is in my queue and I don’t feel like it’s going to have aged well for a first-time viewer.

52:34: The “Who’s on First” thing with Jesus didn’t work for me, but I snorted at him getting in on the Last Supper painting.

52:56: On to the Spanish Inquisition. All I know about it is that no one expects it.

55:24: I started to like this movie once we got to the Roman part and out of the cavemen part, but I’ll be honest … I wish there were more musical numbers. P.S. Go watch “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” on the CW.

No, but seriously. That’s freaking great.

1:12:13: Look, I know it’s kind of Mel Brooks’s thing to push buttons and stuff. But this whole French Revolution segment is making me REALLY uncomfortable. “You don’t put out, he don’t get out” about her father sentenced to death? Gross.

Yeah, that didn’t end well. I’d rank the segments as 1. Spanish Inquisition (I love a musical number); 2. Roman Empire; 3. Stone Age; 4. French Revolution. I’m going to put this well behind “Spaceballs” in my “list” of Brooks movies I’ve seen, but I really enjoyed the middle part, and it was good to just see some weird, joke-filled fun. I needed it.

Next up: “Jurassic Park!”

‘Jeremiah Johnson’

November 7, 2016

Stars: Delle Bolton, Will Geer, Robert Redford

Rated: PG

Released: 1972

What I “know”: Very little. I hadn’t even heard of this movie before “The Way We Were” and “All the President’s Men” drastically increased my interest in Young Robert Redford. But a friend recommended it and I know he says like eight words all movie, so we’ll see how that goes. I know he lives in the mountains, so I’m hoping he doesn’t look like Grizzly Adams.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In a quiet performance (he speaks perhaps 30 lines of dialogue in the whole film), loner Jeremiah Johnson (Robert Redford) seeks isolation in the mountains, but he’s forced to battle nature’s inconstancy and nearly every American Indian in the vicinity to survive. Redford persuaded director Sydney Pollack to film in Utah, ensuring the the movie — based on Vardis Fisher’s novel — would have a breathtaking backdrop.”

Well, I guess 30 lines is better than eight words? I’m concerned, but here’s hoping.

First, trailer!! And I’m not watching it, but holy hell, that screen shot they’re using is not optimistic for my “not Grizzly Adams” wish.

Turns out that’s a rare embed as most of the videos from this movie are from a provider that has disabled embeds, so everything else is hyperlinked. But don’t miss the clips!

4:10: AGAIN with the overture to start the movie? What is going on? Anyway, first shot of young, sweet Jeremiah … fresh off the boat, literally, and looking clean cut save his giant chops.

5:10: Heh, heh, he said beaver. There’s his first line. No more than 29 to go!

6:34: Aw, he tried to shoot a deer, missed, and looked so sad! Poor Jeremiah.

7:31: We’re getting increasingly Grizzly here, and he hasn’t even set up camp yet. Also, if that thing he looked at was all that was left of his meat, and he’s a terrible shot, how are he and his horse and ass still alive?

8:15: This movie is honestly almost like sci-fi to me. Like, I get that it might be possible, but I don’t understand it. My four favorite things in the world are my family, my animals, air conditioning and television. Not always in that order. I can’t comprehend on a realistic level this way of living. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

8:34: So, ol J.J. tries his luck at fishing and it doesn’t go well. Then it appears he attempts to just grab a fish with his bare hands while on a snow-covered log or something over a river. That also didn’t go well. So in the middle of winter, in the mountains, with what appear to be 5-foot snowbanks on either side of the river, this idiot decides to just jump in the water in his slacks and jacket and start flailing about. Sure, he grabbed one, but then he dropped it because his hands had probably stopped working from the cold. Sir, may I remind you that we still have no proof you have a residence or a way to dry said clothing aside from a campfire? Egads, man.

Also, he looks a little Mark Hamilly here:

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And this is not the face of a man who is happy to see you scavenging his land for food:

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10:20: He’s literally showing no ill effects from his little river dive. He lit a fire and he’s just camped out under a tree in a howling wind. Of course, as someone who hates being outdoors and despises things like that, that could very well be possible. I’m not an expert! Just seems unlikely.

10:24: HAAHHAHHAA a huge chunk of snow just fell out of the trees on his “fire.” J.J., this might be a sign for you to head on home to wherever you came from, pal.

10:52: What happened to his horse and ass? Did he eat them? Serious question … first four minutes were him and his horses, now nada. Also, probably very sobering when you plop down to shoot some dinner and you see a man frozen to death right in front of you. GO HOME NOW.

11:57: It’s going to take a lot for someone to top Hatchet Jack as my favorite person in this movie, and he spoke even fewer lines than Redford does. I love a man who, while dying, writes a “will” to give his rifle to whomever finds him, talks of the gun’s virtues, and then is like “Anyway, I’m dead. Sincerely, Hatchet Jack.” RIP, H.J.

12:23: NO! BAMBI’S MOTHER. NO. I guess I wanted the “I killed and ate my dinner” to be a lot more abstract? I don’t know. Still sad. Also, he spent like five or six of his lines on Hatchet Jack and his rifle, so I hope it was worth it to him.

13:06: YOU SONUVABITCH YOU KILLED YOUR HORSE. I hate J.J. So much. Selfish SOB, and not even a very good outdoorsman. Didn’t build shelter, just curled up on the ground to sleep. Monster.

13:31: Now he’s asking this donkey/burro/ass/whatever to carry everything alone AND do it in like five feet of snow, while J.J.’s just tromping along on snowshoes. As a 1/16th Cherokee, I can say I’m rooting for the Native Americans in this movie.

14:30: Well now, Bear Claw is making a strong push to pass Hatchet Jack on my likeability scale. He has the benefit of being alive, but also this line: “I know who you are! You’re the same dumb pilgrim that I been hearin’ for twenty days, and smellin’ for three!” Also, Bear Claw looks like he is supposed to be in the Hunger Games or something … though I guess he is?

15:28: And this gem:

Bear Claw: You know how to skin grizz?

J.J.: I can skin most anything.

B.C.: You sure are cocky for a starving pilgrim.

Enjoy it all here, though they’ve disable embeds for this video, so whatever.

16:48: Jesus Christ, B.C. is insane. Just led a damn grizzly into his house (where J.J. was noshing on his hanging meats (not a euphemism)) then jumped out a window and said “Skin that one and I’ll get you another.” He literally just led a bear into his house and left J.J. alone in there with it. Cripes.

22:00: I love that J.J. took B.C.’s words to heart and literally fired his rifle at the elk AS IT RESTED ON HIS HORSE’S BACK. Yeah, that won’t spook him at all, you idiot. How did he survive this long? He should have been a Darwin candidate months ago.

25:35: So his horse died, then he spooked one of B.C.’s horses, who split town. At times it was just B.C.’s horse and J.J.’s donkey. Now he’s on a third horse? Is B.C. just stockpiling horses and giving them away to kindly, terribly prepared strangers?

27:33: So the Crows are basically landlording the land? Like, “We don’t like you being here but if you keep giving us stuff we’ll let it slide?” Weird.

Also, J.J. smokin’ the ol’ peace pipe, if you know what I’m saying …

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28:23: J.J., who has lost 1-2 horses, depending on if this is B.C.’s horse that got spooked or a third one, just stumbled across a home with a woman outside and he lackadaisically loops the lead around a piece of wood. Doesn’t tie it, doesn’t do anything. I hope the horse runs!

28:43: Ummm those people have been scalped. Literally scalped. And I think they’re kids. Is she a teacher, or just a woman with 6 kids? No idea, but this doesn’t look good. GO HOME, J.J. THIS IS NOT IDEALISM, THIS IS TERROR.

32:48: He’s by no means wordy, but he’s said way more than 30 lines of dialogue. Maybe 30 conversations, but way more than 30 lines. I’m happy as I imagined a mostly silent movie of a guy just walking through the woods.

37:45: Everyone in this movie is insane. The mom crazed with grief. Bear Claw. The dude buried up to his neck in sand who’s still cracking jokes because he’s OBVIOUSLY insane.

42:26: Oh no he didn’t! The crazy bald one who just killed the Indians just snuck their scalps onto J.J.’s donkey so he wouldn’t be blamed for it when he’s the one who did it. I hope he gets eaten alive by vultures.

43:37: A few words of advice for J.J.: Maybe don’t rely on the crazy man who just scalped Indians to translate what the angry Indian is telling you. Annnnnnd they just discovered the scalps. Methinks this won’t be a friendly conversation.

46:33: I was kind of wrong? They were allegedly (since I don’t trust crazy man when he’s sober, let alone when he’s drunk) saying they’re impressed with the scalps, so J.J.’s all “Go ahead and keep the skin and hair of your countrymen” like it’s a thing, and then they all start whispering and Drunk Jerk goes, “What are you doing, they were honoring you and you gave them a gift. Now if they can’t find something better for you, it’s an insult” and the chief sends one of his minions out to get the gift and Drunk Jerk starts laughing maniacally.

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And that is the face of someone who’s just been told an Indian chief is gifting you his daughter.

48:04: Which leads to the most romantic wedding ever!

54:27: When starting a marriage, please refer to your wife’s native language as “all that gibberish.” Even though she can’t understand you, the condescension still comes through!

56:44: LISTEN YOU CREEP. Just because you married a chick you’ve never met doesn’t mean you can lift her blanket off her naked body as she sleeps and say “Lord.” GROSS.

58:54: Holy shit, you guys!!1!11! Like literally losing my mind. I have seen this gif 4000000000 times in my life (it’s used a lot on imgur, don’t blame me) and I honest to god, on my mother’s life, always assumed it was some Zach Galifianakis skit from some unseen show.

ufarx

ARE YOU HEARING ME? I CONFUSED ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WITH ROBERT REDFORD. FOR LIKE TWO YEARS. Nothing is true any more. This is the most mind-bending thing that has happened to me in … well, ever.

1:00:38: The weird Hallmark-movie type of things like the above gif (god help me, every time I see it I freak out) and his weird face while leaning in the doorway while they build their house seems … out of place? I don’t know. Just weird.

1:01:05: The cute moment where his orphan boy chops a branch off a tree and looks up to him for acceptance was really adorable.

1:02:00: J.J. to the orphan, who he has sent off to bring back “proper food”: “Keep your nose open, there may be Indians abou…” *catches glimpse of wife sitting next to him, sentence trails off*

1:07:42: No. 1, the special effects on this wolf pack fight scene are out of this world. Robert Redford wrestling stuffed animals is everything I never knew I wanted out of life. No. 2, are we surprised at this point that his horse came into danger? It’s kind of what he does. He’s Jeremiah Johnson, and he’s horrible for horses.

1:09:25: Fine, I’m 12, but him asking the orphan boy if he had “beaver scent” the morning after he slept with his wife for what I’m assuming was the first time (hence the beard burn) made me laugh out loud.

1:10:30: HE SHAVED FOR HER. I was going to say “his first redeeming thing” but he did take in the boy when his mom went apeshit crazy, so fine. But good for him.

1:11:41: Oh, cleanshaven Robert Redford, how I’ve missed you. Never leave me again. Even with the floopy hair.

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1:17:00: It’s a movie that last 1:55, and you put an intermission in with like 38 minutes left? WTF, Sydney Pollack?

1:24:13: Wait, they killed his wife and orphan boy because he rode through the burial ground? That seems … slightly unfair to them?

1:27:36: Wait, what? He helps a strange woman bury her children, but he sets his wife and orphan kid ablaze in the house they built? Man … J.J. cracked.

1:29:45: HE JUST RAN AND JUMPED AND KICKED A DUDE OFF THE TOP OF A HORSE. This movie is insanity.

1:36:40: They came back for him, but they only sent one guy and J.J. dispatched of him. PS I’m no longer rooting for the Native Americans after they killed his family as some sort of payback.

1:37:16: And again! I give the Crows this … they don’t give up. But man, you gotta do better than going at him one on one. He took out like eight Crows and they saw him coming!

1:39:43: AND AGAIN with one guy, and they went after the other guy first? Why, guys? Sheesh, at this point you deserve to bite the big one if you’re not even going to try.

1:43:37: There’s a whole montage of him killing Crows who are trying to kill him … wait for it … one by one. Lordy, people.

1:44:08: OH GOD, SOMEONE GOT HIM. He’s still blinking, and there’s like 11 minutes left in the movie, so I don’t think he dies here. But yikes.

1:44:14: The shot from in front of him, with him looking up through his eyebrow, while a shadowy figure moves behind him … that’s the best shot of the movie. So good. It’s around the 1:10 mark in the video above, but it has to pan because it’s not wide screen. But in wide screen, it’s gorgeous.

1:44:55: Well, he shot the guy? But now he has a spear, liver-deep, in his gut. That can’t be good.

1:50:14: Bear Claw’s back? They’re literally living in a giant splay of land and he just keeps running into people he knows? Gah. But I’m glad to have Bear Claw back. The other guy was a poor substitute.

And it ends with him and the Crows making peace. I’m just going to pretend that was a ploy by the Crows, they kept coming at him and he eventually firebombed them just so he could get a good night’s sleep.

I was really pleasantly surprised by this movie. Had I not heard from friends (and the movie sleeve) that he didn’t talk much, it really wouldn’t have struck me as markedly less. Sure, there were long periods of not talking, but that was because of the setting. It’s not like he was mute. Also, I went on a roller-coaster ride with how I felt about J.J. and I think that’s good … no one wants to know the good guy/bad guy right away. Gotta figure it out! But coming in to a movie with Redford as a mountain man, hardly speaking, and it’s classified (at least partly) as a Western? I was not super optimistic. But I actually really liked it.

Next up: History of the World, Part 1!