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Crime

‘Taxi Driver’

January 2, 2019

Starring: Robert De Niro, Jodie Foster, Cybill Shepherd

Rated: R

Released: 1976

What I “know”: Robert De Niro is a taxi driver. He has a mohawk and says “you talkin’ to me?” which I only know because it’s the basic DeNiro impersonation for anyone doing one. Also, Jodie Foster is a teenage prostitute. Super psyched for a lighthearted tale here.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “After a cute political campaign worker spurns him, an unhinged New York City cabbie decides to assassinate her candidate. Meanwhile, he tries to protect a child prostitute from a smooth-talking pimp in this gripping tale of urban decay and insanity.” Well, yeah, this is going to be a real joyride. Getting out my weighted blanket real quickly.

First up: TRAILER!

1:35: These opening credits feel like it should have been for a 1970s cop show on network TV. They’re oddly calming, though I know what’s coming now.

2:20: Oh THIS is Travis Bickle. I guess I’d heard the name come up in the past but didn’t know it was this movie.

4:57: Cool, a future taxi driver getting dusk drunk on pocket alcohol. Just what I’m sure they’re looking for.

6:27: You know, with that little monologue about the scum on the streets at night, he could earn a prime-time spot as a talking head on a national “news” network.

8:05: “Every night when I bring the cab back to the garage, I have to clean the cum off the backseat. Sometimes I clean the blood.” Well, I was eating dinner.

9:42: Four candy bars, popcorn, and a soda for $1.85 at the movies? Man.

9:55: Oh, it’s THAT kind of movie? This dude’s a real winner.

11:20: Albert Brooks having a phone conversation with the button providers about whether “We are the people” is the same as “We are the people” is my favorite part so far.

15:37: Holy cow, that’s Peter Boyle! Still horseshoe bald, but with more, darker hair around the bottom. I know most of my posts have some version of “holy cow, that’s so-and-so,” but I literally know nothing about most of these going in.

24:23: A) Cybill Shepherd was freaking stunning; B) don’t have coffee dates with people who use the term “my possessions.” I don’t know why it struck me weird; it just did.

31:35: Awwww, little Jodie Foster! Wow, she actually was 14 when she made this movie. That’s insane.

35:00: HE’S TAKING HER TO A PORN MOVIE FOR THEIR FIRST DATE? Heavens, Travis. Also, Betsy, if a dude defends taking you there by saying “I see couples here all the time,” he’s saying he goes to that theater all the time. That’s like 8 red flags at once.

39:52: Annnnnd Travis Bickle is the father of the incels. He stalks her, takes her to a porno theater, then blames her when she deuces out on him.

I realize now how she is just like the others: cold and distant.

Travis Bickle

47:24: If they ever do a remake of this, I need Milo Ventimiglia to play Travis. There have been several shots in here where I did a double take. I think he’d do a fine job.

1:01:00: Bickle doing all the work to plan his weapons and stuff is the most uncomfortable I’ve ever felt watching a movie. And I saw part of “Natural Born Killers.”

1:07:07: If I was of the age that I would have seen this version of De Niro, I would have a real hard time seeing him in like “Meet the Parents” or “Dirty Grandpa.” He is very frightening.

1:11:01: There’s only like 40 minutes left and he hasn’t even talked to Jodie Foster yet. Jodie, come save his soul!

1:15:53: OH MY GOD, THAT’S HARVEY KEITEL. IN HIGH-WAISTED SLACKS AND A WHITE TANK TOP. AS A PIMP.

1:30:55: Gross, Harvey Keitel. Gross to the max.

1:36:12: The mohawk means he’s serious, and he’s ready to die!

1:39:16: In the annals of shootings, I think “suck on this” might be the worst way to preface it.

1:40:02: This just got much bloodier than I expected it to. I mean, I guess I should have seen it coming, but yikes.

1:40:42: THAT DUDE’S CHEEK MOVED when he was shot. Gross, Scorsese. Side note, Jodie Foster was all legs.

1:44:11: I like three cops standing in front of three dead people with a distraught young girl and like not trying to help her in any way. Not calling her out of the room, not entering to assist. Nothing.

1:46:30: Wait, Travis lived??

I would have cut that last bit. Have him go out and be done. I didn’t need to see Betsy again. That was a creepy movie, like “Psycho”-level creepy. I’m glad I’ve seen it, I guess, but it’s not something I’d watch again.

ALSO, while I was looking for clips to put in this, I found out the guy in the back of Bickle’s cab who’s going to kill his wife for being with a black guy … was Martin Scorsese? Jeezo pete.

‘American History X’

July 1, 2018

Starring: Edward Furlong, Edward Norton

Rated: R

Released: 1998

What I “know”: Neo-Nazis. Like, so many of them. And a curbstomp heard round the world. And that this is going to frighten me probably more than any other movie I watch because, you know, 2018.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “A California neo-Nazi gets sent to prison for murder and comes out a changed man. But can he atone for his sins and prevent his younger brother from following in his hate-filled footsteps?” So wait, this is kind of a … redemption story? I mean, maybe? Time to buckle down for two hours of generational hate.

TRAILER!

3:05: That was possibly the least sexy sex scene I’ve ever seen. The Doc Martens were the best part.

5:48: This movie is shot very weirdly. I’m not technical enough to know what’s different, but it’s distracting. Unrelated, whose front door opens out?

6:28: Oh good, it looks like only the first few minutes were shot in weird, grainy, oddly timed b&w.

13:57: “He used Derek to recruit a slew of insecure, frustrated and impressionable kids.” The classic game plan.

15:22. Y’all. I just legit got chills. Like this whole TV interview could be happening RIGHT NOW. I don’t want to watch any more.

24:43: There are white supremacist hymns? What the hell?

33:21: So dude does 3-years-plus on a double murder charge, and his parole doesn’t include “Don’t associate with the skinheads any more?”

36:10: Does Donald Trump just quote from this movie in his speeches? “Our border policy is a joke. So is anyone surprised that south of the border they’re laughing at us? Laughing at our laws? … “It’s about decent, hardworking Americans falling through the cracks and getting the shaft because their government cares more about the constitutional rights of a bunch of people who aren’t even citizens of this country.”

42:21: I really, really, REALLY don’t want to watch any more. The whole riot bit? Like those are legit arguments I’ve heard when I was younger, that I never tied to white supremacy. I honestly never realized how much rhetoric I’d heard from people who ALSO didn’t know it was white supremacy talking points. I’m just gutted right now.

55:10: It’s legit scary how good Edward Norton is at playing psychopaths.

57:06: Seeing this Nazi party (just typing that makes me think of the “Forrest Gump” scene where Forrest apologizes for ruining their Black Panther party) just … they look ridiculous. And I know in the moment I’m sure they feel all righteous. But they’re a bunch of angry young white dudes with no ideas of their own.

1:05:00: Stacy Keach is creepy as hell. He’ll never be Mike Hammer to me ever again.

1:21:38: Guy Torry, stopping racism since 1998. Way to go, pal.

1:25:48: Soooooo the way the racist guys treat black people is by having sex with them? Like that’s what I’m supposed to take away from the shower rape scene? That they all secretly want to rape black men? That’s a terrible threat.

1:41:55: Not OK with the dad from “Boy Meets World” spewing racist stuff.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I watched the last 20 minutes of that movie with a constant churning in my stomach. I have no great summation, no deeper thoughts. I have only sadness and wariness.

Next up: “Being There.”

‘Gentlemen Prefer Blondes’

February 27, 2017

Stars: Charles Coburn, Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russell

Rated: NR

Released: 1953

What I “know:” It has Marilyn Monroe in it, so I assume she’ll be a vacuous, beautiful blonde with a really high-pitched, breathy voice. And there are gentlemen, real or metaphorical?

What I know after reading the Netflix blurb (this one’s streaming): “A blond showgirl is unknowingly tracked by an investigator hired by her fiancé’s father. But the detective only has eyes for her brunette friend.” Well, either the detective is no gentleman, or the title is stupid, or it’s intentionally so. So much going on already! And bonus, after the interminable “The Sound of Music” … It’s only 91 minutes long!

TRAILER!

P.S. I turned off my 78th viewing of “The Notebook” (and third today) to watch this. The sacrifices I make …

1:36: Well, that “Little Rock” song was horrible. Oh god, is this a musical too? Please no.

3:11: Either this “Little Rock” song is really long, or it’s a fully themed-out “Little Rock” stage show. Please let it be the latter.

3:34: Monroe’s lipstick is a nightmare in this number. I mean, I don’t wear makeup often, but I’m pretty sure your liner isn’t supposed to be 17 shades darker than your lips.

5:52: Ewwwww she just called him daddy. Also, Jane Russell is all legs. Good lord.

6:37: This timeline is all wonky. She thinks he’s got a ring, he gives her a ring, then they’ve already planned their wedding? What were people doing in the ’50s?

7:35: I know it’s her thing, but every time Monroe speaks, she sounds like a 6-year-old. Kind of kills the sexy, you know?

9:44: “If the ship hit an iceberg and sank, which one would you save from drowning?” “Those girls wouldn’t drown.” Was that a boob joke? In 1953??

11:49: Oh, the 1950s, when the Olympic relay team was four white guys.

13:34: Russell was only 32 when this was made? She looks 40s, easily. Life must have been hard back then, based on her here and Lauren Bacall in “How to Marry a Millionaire.”

18:04: I mean, Monroe’s not a good singer. That’s gotta be accepted fact, right? Not a great actress, not a great singer, but killer body and likes to pout? Was that her thing? Also, kind of bitchy of Russell, who isn’t saying goodbye to anyone, to hog a whole window with her singing Olympians while other people are like trying to wave to their families.

21:32: A bunch of men in only short shorts doing gymnastics in front of a giant painting of a Spartan? Like … that has to be intentional, right?

22:28: As per usual, I could do without the music. But I like Jane Russell WAY more than Marilyn Monroe. I’ve seen Monroe in three things now and she annoys me.

22:40: So the coach is so strict he makes them go to bed at 9 p.m., but he’s fine with this chick in a bustier walking around and messing with his guys while they’re “training?” Sure.

24:25: “I like muscles … and red corpuscles.” Are they serious with this? “I like red blood cells.” Good for you, honey.

32:04: Russell’s “Thank YOU” to Piggy’s snobby wife just made my day. She’s so catty. I love it.

(gif unrelated, but I love Russell.)

34:22: Apparently I can never go on a cruise. I don’t have an evening gown covered head to toe in sparkles to wear to eat from the buffet.

36:11: Holy crap, that kid is a smooth dude. “I’m old enough to know a good-looking woman when I see one. This promises to be quite a trip.”

39:51: Why is she wearing a widow’s shroud with an off-the-shoulder dress? 1950s fashion was weird.

43:27: I like the Monroe’s response to being caught hugging a strange, old, diamond-mining billionaire by the man she thought was interested in her friend but instead was spying on her was basically “Oopsy!”

45:19: Of course Monroe locks herself in the dude’s cabin. Those shouldn’t lock people in, so maybe, just maybe … try the door lock?

45:37: Oh. My. God. She held her hands up to the porthole window, moved them down to her hips, and is now trying to shimmy out? Lady, you have a tiny waist but big-ass hips. You have curves. That’s what dudes loved about you. That and your insane over-lip-moving enunciations of sentences.

46:26: This kid is legit the breakout star of this movie. “I’ll help you for two reasons. The first reason is, I’m too young to be sent to jail. The second reason is, you’ve got a lot of animal magnetism.”

47:25: THEN HE STICKS HIS HAND OUT FOR PIGGY TO TAKE HIS PULSE. Muahahahahahah. This kid is a gift to this movie.

49:43: It feels a little awkward for Monroe to be asking if three sleeping pills is enough.

52:08: I love that even after Monroe moves the glass from spilling water all over his pants that Russell just keeps emptying the pitcher. He can’t possibly be drunk enough after one drink to not see through this. “WHAT KIND OF DINNER PARTY IS THIS?”

57:27: So they just let him walk out of their cabin with the photos? No one noticed the large, yellow Kodak envelope he was carrying? Monroe deserves everything that happens to her.

1:04:14: Those kids are wearing fezzes. Fezzes are cool.

1:06:00: I will give this movie credit for this: At least in this cafe scene, people are realizing they’re singing and acting like it’s a performance. That’s my main issue with musicals … people just act like singing in the middle of a conversation is totally normal. However, them ditching on the check for that tiny cup of coffee is terrible.

1:08:20: “It’s men like you who have made me the way I am. And if you loved me at all, you’d feel sorry for the terrible troubles I’ve been through instead of holding them against me.” God, she’s delusional.

1:09:29: So I finally get what Madonna’s “Material Girl” video was referencing.

1:10:50: I don’t believe for a second that operatic song intro was Monroe singing. Not even a little.

1:19:10: Oh, Jane Russell, you minx. Dressing up in a blonde wig and a giant fur coat. Thankfully, the lawyer is super blind so you can pass.

1:20:02: I want to start saying “Thank you ever so” for no reason at all.

1:21: 39: This song would NOT continue in court for even four seconds, but she’s way better at this song than Monroe. And she’s sassy as all hell.

1:26:00: That whole courtroom scene was a trainwreck.

1:28:24: “I want to marry him for your money.”

1:30:15: Of course, there’s a dual wedding. And of course they bring the garbage “Little Rock” song back. Jane Russell has terrible taste in men.

Overall, this movie wasn’t terrible. That kid was a delight, and Jane Russell is right up there with Bette Davis for “favorite no-nonsense woman” so far. Marilyn Monroe makes me want to claw my eardrums out, but it wasn’t bad?

Next up: “What’s Up, Doc?”

‘Dial M for Murder’

December 4, 2016

Stars: Robert Cummings, Grace Kelly, Ray Milland

Rated: PG

Released: 1954

What I “know”: It’s a Hitchcock movie, it involves telephones, and Grace Kelly was really pretty? I don’t know, that’s about all I’ve got.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Director Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece of double-cross and intrigue stars Ray Milland as former tennis champ Tony Wendice, who concocts a plan to kill his rich but unfaithful wife (Grace Kelly), who’s embroiled in a liaison with a writer (Robert Cummings). When Tony’s plans go awry, he improvises a second act of deceit, but the entire bloody affair turns out to be far messier than he expected. John Williams plays a sly Scotland Yard inspector.”

OK, so that sounds AWESOME. Here’s hoping I like it more than “Vertigo,” which I thought was way overworked. Maybe that’s just Hitchcock’s thing, I don’t know. That was my first one. But I do love multiple acts of deceit.

Trailer!

1:28: That was a really weird frozen kiss to start the movie. It was like they were in place and then Hitchcock waited until three seconds after he started rolling to say “Action!” Also, 1950s movie kisses crack me up.

2:13: So the husband gets prim and proper, frozen kiss and a cream sweater set. The lover gets a fancy dress and red lace wrap and way more action. Lesson: It’s always better to be the other man.

grace-kelly-dial-m-for-murder giphy

3:35: I can not figure out her accent, and it’s driving me insane. It’s like she keeps switching her tone.

6:36: So wait, she sees in the paper her lover’s coming to town, and instantly they’re all going to have dinner together and they know each other and she ended things but they’re still weird-’50s-movie-making-out and her husband’s changed and they can’t tell him but please, let’s just all sit around a table and make small talk? This is so weird.

8:57: That dude looks at least 50. He just retired from being a professional tennis player last year? Come on, now. Yeah, I just googled him and he was 46-47 when this was filmed. Hard living, I guess?

m

10:38: So now that I know what the movie’s about, was that whole thing code? Does “bring the registration” mean “kill my wife?” I know I’m not totally up on ’50s slang, but that would be crazy. Otherwise, who buys a car he’s only seen and not driven?

18:41: Jesus, this dude is a terrible storyteller. It’s been at least 7 minutes of him just rambling and going on and on and I don’t know anything I couldn’t have guessed before. He saw them together, he stole the letter, etc. etc.

19:47: I will say this: Him literally wiping the dude’s fingerprints off everything right in front of him as he talks, erasing him from the scene, is some steel balls type stuff. “No one will ever know you were here.”

24:18: OMG THIS HAS NOW BEEN ALMOST 15 MINUTES OF BLACKMAILING. Good lord, Hitchcock is terrible. I’m almost a quarter of the way through the movie and there have been four scenes. This has been 15 of those 25 minutes. Cripes, man, edit better.

31:29: THEY’RE STILL TALKING. Also, when the retired tennis pro knows more about how to pull off a clean murder caper, maybe the felon he’s hiring isn’t all that great at his job? Milland is on the phone and the “murderer” is wandering around, opening up drapes, turning lights on and off, peering around … nothing like some weirdness like that to make neighbors take notice of odd behavior four days before a woman is murdered. These guys are terrible.

32:46: I also just realized I’m being awfully judgmental when I would have no idea how to kill someone. There, that counts as plausible deniability.

33:39: I do wish that full 23-minute clip was on Youtube. I mean, seriously. 23 minutes of a movie that last an hour and 45 minutes is a LOT of time to show two dudes just talking.

34:23: I can honestly tell you I’ve never asked someone, “Do you really believe in the perfect murder?” I mean, what the actual heck?

36:22: His wife wants to go to a movie and he’s all, “No, do wifely things like write thank-you notes or paste in clippings about me into that notebook.” I know he’s doing it so she’s home and the dude can kill her, but ugh.

37:03: Continuity issue: He closed the drapes like two minutes ago, and now they’re open again, so he had to close them again. Booooo.

44:29: That dude is the worst death-scene actor ever. All that build-up for a weird convulsion? PS those are the strongest scissors ever for her to get that much damage while gasping for air AND being held down by a guy much stronger than her.

45:20: If I ever get married, and I tell my husband a man just strangled me and his response is, “Did he get away?” wellllll … that’s going to be the last conversation we have without lawyers.

48:58: I feel like she should be asking why her husband was all “Don’t talk to anyone, don’t touch anything, I’m just going to get this blanket to dispose of the body” and not “call the police!”

49:15: OK, at least now he mentioned the police. I thought he was going to try to pretend like this never happened, which would be weird.

50:24: Wow, he’s really going to try to frame his wife for murder? Just take the loss and move on, pal.

54:10: I honestly didn’t know that intermissions really were a thing back then. Now, movies are 2 1/2-3 hours long and no intermission. We’re getting ripped off!

1:03:03: The inspector is shutting him DOWN. Ol’ dude didn’t think of everything! Sunk by a rainy night and a clean door mat. This is why I don’t have a door mat. Also, I’m bad at adulting.

1:05:43: STUPID COP, SHUT UP AND LISTEN. The friend and the wife are both asking about him calling and how his story didn’t match up and he didn’t have a reason for calling, and you’re talking over them to ask about the timeline.

1:06:27: Milland/Wendice is a terrible crime committer, but he’s very quick on his feet. I’ll give him that.

1:07:14: OH SNAP. The cop sent Milland/Wendice out to “open the gate” then spun around and was like “Hey, homie, does he know you and his wife are doing the dirty?” Well, not quite in those words, but the meaning is the same.

1:12:16: Hitchcock sure did love some weird backlight tricks. This one looks better than the trippy dream sequence in “Vertigo” though.

1:13:00: Now I don’t know if she actually was convicted, or if that just was another dream sequence. Damn you, Hitchcock!

1:14:22: Well, I guess she was convicted, since they’re talking about saving her life. Why does Milland/Wendice keep talking to her boyfriend? He should just shut him out if he supposedly just found out about this affair, or whatever.

1:15:28: I’m intrigued by the boyfriend. I can’t tell if he’s making this up or if he really sees through the husband’s lies. Then again, if he did see through it and let it go this far, then he’s kind of a dick too.

1:19:07: Why is there a bed in the middle of the living room? What is happening? Oh, apparently he can’t sleep in her room because of the memories or something.

1:28:04: This movie is really picking up steam, not going to lie. The husband is Class A jerkwad, but I like the boyfriend quite a lot. He talks before he has everything figured out (soulmate) but he’s thinking, at least.

1:29:15: I’m 99 percent sure the cop can’t just steal his jacket and do a whole switcheroo thing. That seems like it would be against protocol.

1:30:24: I thought it sounded like the cop went up some stairs, but they live on the ground floor. You’re not sneaky, Mr. Officer! That being said, even if swiping the coat were legal, you can’t just unlock someone’s front door and just go in without a warrant.

1:34:00: People who are being executed the next day generally don’t get breaks in which they can just go peruse their old dwellings, right? I’m not just imagining that?

1:36:38: “In a couple of days, you’re going to have the most wonderful breakdown.” Why don’t I ever get warnings before my breakdowns?

1:44:16: That’s actually a brilliant finish to the whole saga. I still say that 23-minute exposition was about 18 minutes too long, but I do love a good “tying up the loose ends of a whodunnit” and this one was well done. But why are they all like “Sure, I’ll take a drink from you, the man who tried to kill me?”

1:45:08: The detective brushing his mustache as he called in the whole thing is hilarious. Good closer.

The last 45-60 minutes of this movie were pretty solid. I feel like if I were seeing Hitchcock in his original time, I’d be able to appreciate all his groundbreakingness or whatever, but it just feels tortured sometimes. I liked this much more than “Vertigo,” but that’s a very low bar to clear. I really liked Grace Kelly, and I liked the guy who played the boyfriend, but the husband just wasn’t a great actor. The detective, however, was the best part. 🙂

Next up: “Imitation of Life!”

Like Clockwork

July 31, 2016

The movie: “A Clockwork Orange”

Stars: Malcolm McDowell

Rated: R

Released: 1971

What I “know”: It’s apparently going to really mess with my mind, as three different people all asked if I really wanted to start here on my journey. It involves a mental institution, either inside it or about someone who escaped. It’s listed as a crime/drama/sci-fi, sooo … well, that doesn’t really tell me much. So yeah, that’s it.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Against a bleak futuristic landscape, young sociopath Alex DeLarge spends his time stealing, raping and beating innocent people in nihilistic orgies of violence, all in an attempt to get his nightly kicks.” Ummmmm this is officially the least excited I’ve been about the use of the word “orgies” in a movie blurb in ever. I really want to go back to bed, but I’m going to carry on.

7:44 a.m. I know Malcolm McDowell as the crazy boss on “Franklin and Bash” (shut up, it was good) and from the “Totes Magotes” ad. I don’t want my eccentric grandpa figure to become a nightmare.

7:48 a.m. This intro music is very unsettling.

7:49 a.m. Someone needs to teach Malcolm how to apply false eyelashes.

7:50 a.m. Are the codpieces ever explained? Or is this just a really “creative” costuming choice. P.S. You could get like $10K for that table nowadays.

7:51 a.m. I know I’m getting older when my first real thought isn’t “Is that glitter on the vagina of the table?” but “Oooh a milk bar sounds nice.”

7:54 a.m. Body count: 1

7:55 a.m. Boob count: 2

7:57 a.m. Man, do I love me some old-time fight scenes in movies. Actually, any fight scene in a movie. People jumping through windows 10 feet off the ground with no known methods of propulsion. Tables and chairs exploding on contact (this part also applies to wrestling). HAHAHAH THE SPECIAL EFFECTS AS THEY’RE DRIVING. And the use of the word “gutty-wuts.” My new fear is not that I’ll be afraid, but that I’ll root for Alex.

7:58 a.m It took me a second to realize they’re driving on the wrong side. #american

8:01 a.m. Adding the “Mork from Ork” egg pod chair to my Amazon wish list. Unless it also comes with the murder. Then I’ll pass.

8:02 a.m. To my friend Buffy: I now get the “Singin’ in the Rain” reference.

8:03 a.m. Boob count: 4

8:10 a.m. There are naked dancing Jesus statues. I don’t know what to say.

8:11 a.m. School? How old IS he? I assumed he was like 30.

8:14 a.m. Oh it’s a corrective school. Which I’m assuming is like the alternative school. I’ll be honest, I’m only picking up about 30 percent of the dialogue in this movie and I’m not exactly sad about that.

8:17 a.m. The sign at the record store says 2001. Well, they were only about 40 years off on their styling. If they’d set this in 1977, they’d have been spot on.

8:19 a.m. Boob count 8. Dick count: 1

8:26 a.m. Poor Dim. He didn’t deserve that.

8:28 a.m. Crazy cat lady about to get it.

8:33 a.m. Any movie that doesn’t involve using a penis statue to keep an assailant out of arm’s reach will lose points from me from now on.


(apologies, I couldn’t find it in English)

8:47 a.m. Dick count: 2

8:51 a.m. Boob count: 11 … no, 13.

(short break to make breakfast)

9:16 a.m. OK he’s strapped in, eyes peeled open, and they’re about to put something in his eyes. I am assuming THIS is where it gets weird? PS I’m a little worried about myself that aside from the standard Kubrick oddness, I haven’t really been put off yet.

9:18 a.m. Boob count: 15.

9:25 a.m. Well, that wasn’t as weird as I expected. I think my very superficial way of watching movies is really helping me here.

9:29 a.m. Boob count: 17.

9:40 a.m. I’m troubled by Joe’s “belt over the sweater” look.

joe

9:42 a.m. I’m oddly less scared of a sociopath than of a guy who starts dry heaving every time he sees a boob.

9:45 a.m. I also can’t unsee that Alex’s dad is sitting in front of a wall made of Dalek shells.

dalek

9:53 a.m. The Droogs are cops? That’s the weirdest thing yet.

10:09 a.m. If I’m taking anything from this movie, it’s that if you rehabilitate from being a criminal, move REALLY far away or all the people you’ve wronged will come at you hard.

10:14 a.m. I kind of want the wallpaper in his torture room. All pink iridescent leaves and stuff.

10:16 a.m. Suicide is bad, kids. Surviving a failed suicide is also bad, kids. Just don’t even try it.

10:23 a.m. There’s a chance I missed this, but why is he Alex DeLarge through the whole movie, and then in the clips about his suicide attempt he’s Alex Burgess? Error in the film? Or was this explained and I missed it in a boob-fueled haze?

10:28 a.m. The slide scene is honestly the creepiest he’s been all movie.

10:34 a.m. Boob count: 19.

So, I should have made a separate post ahead of this one explaining something: I will NEVER get the deeper meaning of a movie. I don’t get symbolism or metaphors. I just don’t. So while this was an oddly creepy (but not as much as feared) movie, I honestly don’t know what it was supposed to be about. Just seemed really Kubricky. I wish I had a really in-depth breakdown here, but if that’s what you’re looking for, this is the wrong blog for you.