Stars: Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, Marilyn Monroe
Rated: NR
Released: 1959
What I “know”: I know Marilyn Monroe’s in it. I did not know the other two were. I assume it’s like all the other Monroe movies I’ve seen so far, where she’s a flirtatious dame who finds herself in a pickle.
And I’ve seen this on imgur like 400000 times:
And I still think in the last frame, it looks like Jason Segel.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “When musicians Jerry and Joe accidentally witness the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, they get out of town the only way they know how — dressed as women. But things heat up on the road when they meet a curvy blonde who plays the ukelele.”
Welp, I was pretty far off. She’s the only one NOT in trouble, apparently. Also, if this were the plot of like a Seth Rogen/James Franco movie, I would be incredibly P.O.ed at this ridiculous plot, but I’m oddly intrigued because … Jack Lemmon? As a woman?
TRAILER!
1:47: Just to let you guys know what a mental heavyweight you’re dealing with, the first scene came on and I thought, “Wait, those cars aren’t from 1959!” Then I remembered, “Oh yeah, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre was in the ’20s … never mind.” #duh
2:34: OMG this is the coolest hearse ever. Guns hidden in the roof? Also, I marveled at the 10 cops crammed in that car, with some holding on the little side-step things, to shoot at the baddies in the hearse. Windshields were not shatterproof back then, BTW.
5:04: If Charlie’s worried about being made as an informant, maybe standing next to a cop car talking to a cop in front of the funeral parlor they’re scoping out wouldn’t be his best move?
6:25: I sniggled again at “Scotch coffee, Canadian coffee, sour mash coffee … ”
8:44: Lemmon doesn’t look like Segel yet, but Curtis looks like Ray Liotta. Well, I guess Ray Liotta looks like Tony Curtis. Whatever, you know what I’m saying.
10:30: What is with weird, Muppet-sounding “Buttermilk” guy?? That was creepy.
10:51: Please tell me the “I want another cup of coffee!” guy is like the “I want my two dollars!” kid from “Better Off Dead” and he’ll keep showing up at random times. Please.
15:45: So, um, point of clarification … they did not witness the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. They witnessed a raid of a party that possibly led to that. But unless sometime between today, where they’re begging for work, and tonight at 8 p.m. when they supposedly get on a train as women musicians they somehow witness something that happened at 10:30 a.m. on Feb. 14 … the timeline doesn’t match up.
19:30: OK, I spoke too soon. I guess they went to those offices at like 9 a.m. or something.
24:07: Jack Lemmon’s facial expressions are so good. As someone who knew him by name only and then only from “Grumpy Old Men,” this is tremendous to see him when he was young.
24:24: A.) Tony Curtis is, by far, the better looking woman. B.) I know they’re going to explain the wardrobe away as them saying they could borrow clothes from the chorus girls, but … no chorus girls I’ve seen were built like men.
25:39: And we meet Marilyn, looking beautiful and pouty … as always.
27:55: Jack Lemmon/Daphne going on and on about her seamstress coming in once a month only to be shut down by Tony Curtis/Josephine was great.
29:42: “I’m Sugar Kane … I changed it. It used to be Sugar Kovalchuk.” WTF? I mean, I feel bad for how Monroe got shoehorned into these roles and things, but “I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop” is awesome.
33:01: Jack Lemmon was a tremendous physical comedian. I had no idea.
38:33: Him blurting out “That’s one of ’em” when Sugar scrambles into his bunk just cracked me up. I love this movie already.
42:51: I don’t know where their director/conductor lady went, but this party is getting out of control. Alcohol + 10 women + 1 dude = loud times.
57:22: Why did Tony Curtis steal the dude’s suitcase? What is he doing with that hat? No one’s going to believe he’s a guy he’s 10 inches taller than.
1:01:17: I love the ballsiness of him wearing the guy’s clothes out of the hotel he’s staying in and then flirting with Sugar while wearing said clothes.
1:06:40: Hahhaahaaah he’s in the tub in the full outfit. That’s tremendous.
1:12:00: Uh, Sugar’s dress here is not much more than netting and pasties. That’s a lot of skin for the ’20s, I think, outside of a flapper show.
1:14:13: Haha he forgot to take off his earrings. I’ll bet this will lead to some high jinks!
1:15:22: I still don’t get why Lemmon is doing this whole “going out with the creepy old guy” thing for Curtis. At all.
1:19:40: So THIS movie is where the water polo/drowned ponies joke comes from? I never knew.
1:34:37: Wait, how did Spats find them??
1:34:52: Oh, hahaha, he didn’t. He’s there for an unrelated reason. Silly plot!
1:48:54: I am a woman. Born one, will die one. I wear heels occasionally, but mostly sneakers and flats. And I gotta say, Jack Lemmon really mastered running in heels for this movie. I’d have twisted an ankle or 7 filming this escape scene.
Final thoughts: I really, really, really liked this movie. This is the kind of slapstick/physical comedy I like. I don’t need it to be weird, over-the-top guffaws, just funny situations with good actors. This fit the bill, and then some.
Next up: “Love Story!”