Stars: Robert Cummings, Grace Kelly, Ray Milland
Rated: PG
Released: 1954
What I “know”: It’s a Hitchcock movie, it involves telephones, and Grace Kelly was really pretty? I don’t know, that’s about all I’ve got.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Director Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece of double-cross and intrigue stars Ray Milland as former tennis champ Tony Wendice, who concocts a plan to kill his rich but unfaithful wife (Grace Kelly), who’s embroiled in a liaison with a writer (Robert Cummings). When Tony’s plans go awry, he improvises a second act of deceit, but the entire bloody affair turns out to be far messier than he expected. John Williams plays a sly Scotland Yard inspector.”
OK, so that sounds AWESOME. Here’s hoping I like it more than “Vertigo,” which I thought was way overworked. Maybe that’s just Hitchcock’s thing, I don’t know. That was my first one. But I do love multiple acts of deceit.
Trailer!
1:28: That was a really weird frozen kiss to start the movie. It was like they were in place and then Hitchcock waited until three seconds after he started rolling to say “Action!” Also, 1950s movie kisses crack me up.
2:13: So the husband gets prim and proper, frozen kiss and a cream sweater set. The lover gets a fancy dress and red lace wrap and way more action. Lesson: It’s always better to be the other man.
3:35: I can not figure out her accent, and it’s driving me insane. It’s like she keeps switching her tone.
6:36: So wait, she sees in the paper her lover’s coming to town, and instantly they’re all going to have dinner together and they know each other and she ended things but they’re still weird-’50s-movie-making-out and her husband’s changed and they can’t tell him but please, let’s just all sit around a table and make small talk? This is so weird.
8:57: That dude looks at least 50. He just retired from being a professional tennis player last year? Come on, now. Yeah, I just googled him and he was 46-47 when this was filmed. Hard living, I guess?
10:38: So now that I know what the movie’s about, was that whole thing code? Does “bring the registration” mean “kill my wife?” I know I’m not totally up on ’50s slang, but that would be crazy. Otherwise, who buys a car he’s only seen and not driven?
18:41: Jesus, this dude is a terrible storyteller. It’s been at least 7 minutes of him just rambling and going on and on and I don’t know anything I couldn’t have guessed before. He saw them together, he stole the letter, etc. etc.
19:47: I will say this: Him literally wiping the dude’s fingerprints off everything right in front of him as he talks, erasing him from the scene, is some steel balls type stuff. “No one will ever know you were here.”
24:18: OMG THIS HAS NOW BEEN ALMOST 15 MINUTES OF BLACKMAILING. Good lord, Hitchcock is terrible. I’m almost a quarter of the way through the movie and there have been four scenes. This has been 15 of those 25 minutes. Cripes, man, edit better.
31:29: THEY’RE STILL TALKING. Also, when the retired tennis pro knows more about how to pull off a clean murder caper, maybe the felon he’s hiring isn’t all that great at his job? Milland is on the phone and the “murderer” is wandering around, opening up drapes, turning lights on and off, peering around … nothing like some weirdness like that to make neighbors take notice of odd behavior four days before a woman is murdered. These guys are terrible.
32:46: I also just realized I’m being awfully judgmental when I would have no idea how to kill someone. There, that counts as plausible deniability.
33:39: I do wish that full 23-minute clip was on Youtube. I mean, seriously. 23 minutes of a movie that last an hour and 45 minutes is a LOT of time to show two dudes just talking.
34:23: I can honestly tell you I’ve never asked someone, “Do you really believe in the perfect murder?” I mean, what the actual heck?
36:22: His wife wants to go to a movie and he’s all, “No, do wifely things like write thank-you notes or paste in clippings about me into that notebook.” I know he’s doing it so she’s home and the dude can kill her, but ugh.
37:03: Continuity issue: He closed the drapes like two minutes ago, and now they’re open again, so he had to close them again. Booooo.
44:29: That dude is the worst death-scene actor ever. All that build-up for a weird convulsion? PS those are the strongest scissors ever for her to get that much damage while gasping for air AND being held down by a guy much stronger than her.
45:20: If I ever get married, and I tell my husband a man just strangled me and his response is, “Did he get away?” wellllll … that’s going to be the last conversation we have without lawyers.
48:58: I feel like she should be asking why her husband was all “Don’t talk to anyone, don’t touch anything, I’m just going to get this blanket to dispose of the body” and not “call the police!”
49:15: OK, at least now he mentioned the police. I thought he was going to try to pretend like this never happened, which would be weird.
50:24: Wow, he’s really going to try to frame his wife for murder? Just take the loss and move on, pal.
54:10: I honestly didn’t know that intermissions really were a thing back then. Now, movies are 2 1/2-3 hours long and no intermission. We’re getting ripped off!
1:03:03: The inspector is shutting him DOWN. Ol’ dude didn’t think of everything! Sunk by a rainy night and a clean door mat. This is why I don’t have a door mat. Also, I’m bad at adulting.
1:05:43: STUPID COP, SHUT UP AND LISTEN. The friend and the wife are both asking about him calling and how his story didn’t match up and he didn’t have a reason for calling, and you’re talking over them to ask about the timeline.
1:06:27: Milland/Wendice is a terrible crime committer, but he’s very quick on his feet. I’ll give him that.
1:07:14: OH SNAP. The cop sent Milland/Wendice out to “open the gate” then spun around and was like “Hey, homie, does he know you and his wife are doing the dirty?” Well, not quite in those words, but the meaning is the same.
1:12:16: Hitchcock sure did love some weird backlight tricks. This one looks better than the trippy dream sequence in “Vertigo” though.
1:13:00: Now I don’t know if she actually was convicted, or if that just was another dream sequence. Damn you, Hitchcock!
1:14:22: Well, I guess she was convicted, since they’re talking about saving her life. Why does Milland/Wendice keep talking to her boyfriend? He should just shut him out if he supposedly just found out about this affair, or whatever.
1:15:28: I’m intrigued by the boyfriend. I can’t tell if he’s making this up or if he really sees through the husband’s lies. Then again, if he did see through it and let it go this far, then he’s kind of a dick too.
1:19:07: Why is there a bed in the middle of the living room? What is happening? Oh, apparently he can’t sleep in her room because of the memories or something.
1:28:04: This movie is really picking up steam, not going to lie. The husband is Class A jerkwad, but I like the boyfriend quite a lot. He talks before he has everything figured out (soulmate) but he’s thinking, at least.
1:29:15: I’m 99 percent sure the cop can’t just steal his jacket and do a whole switcheroo thing. That seems like it would be against protocol.
1:30:24: I thought it sounded like the cop went up some stairs, but they live on the ground floor. You’re not sneaky, Mr. Officer! That being said, even if swiping the coat were legal, you can’t just unlock someone’s front door and just go in without a warrant.
1:34:00: People who are being executed the next day generally don’t get breaks in which they can just go peruse their old dwellings, right? I’m not just imagining that?
1:36:38: “In a couple of days, you’re going to have the most wonderful breakdown.” Why don’t I ever get warnings before my breakdowns?
1:44:16: That’s actually a brilliant finish to the whole saga. I still say that 23-minute exposition was about 18 minutes too long, but I do love a good “tying up the loose ends of a whodunnit” and this one was well done. But why are they all like “Sure, I’ll take a drink from you, the man who tried to kill me?”
1:45:08: The detective brushing his mustache as he called in the whole thing is hilarious. Good closer.
The last 45-60 minutes of this movie were pretty solid. I feel like if I were seeing Hitchcock in his original time, I’d be able to appreciate all his groundbreakingness or whatever, but it just feels tortured sometimes. I liked this much more than “Vertigo,” but that’s a very low bar to clear. I really liked Grace Kelly, and I liked the guy who played the boyfriend, but the husband just wasn’t a great actor. The detective, however, was the best part. 🙂
Next up: “Imitation of Life!”