Jill – Fine, I'll Watch It!

‘Dial M for Murder’

December 4, 2016

Stars: Robert Cummings, Grace Kelly, Ray Milland

Rated: PG

Released: 1954

What I “know”: It’s a Hitchcock movie, it involves telephones, and Grace Kelly was really pretty? I don’t know, that’s about all I’ve got.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Director Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece of double-cross and intrigue stars Ray Milland as former tennis champ Tony Wendice, who concocts a plan to kill his rich but unfaithful wife (Grace Kelly), who’s embroiled in a liaison with a writer (Robert Cummings). When Tony’s plans go awry, he improvises a second act of deceit, but the entire bloody affair turns out to be far messier than he expected. John Williams plays a sly Scotland Yard inspector.”

OK, so that sounds AWESOME. Here’s hoping I like it more than “Vertigo,” which I thought was way overworked. Maybe that’s just Hitchcock’s thing, I don’t know. That was my first one. But I do love multiple acts of deceit.

Trailer!

1:28: That was a really weird frozen kiss to start the movie. It was like they were in place and then Hitchcock waited until three seconds after he started rolling to say “Action!” Also, 1950s movie kisses crack me up.

2:13: So the husband gets prim and proper, frozen kiss and a cream sweater set. The lover gets a fancy dress and red lace wrap and way more action. Lesson: It’s always better to be the other man.

3:35: I can not figure out her accent, and it’s driving me insane. It’s like she keeps switching her tone.

6:36: So wait, she sees in the paper her lover’s coming to town, and instantly they’re all going to have dinner together and they know each other and she ended things but they’re still weird-’50s-movie-making-out and her husband’s changed and they can’t tell him but please, let’s just all sit around a table and make small talk? This is so weird.

8:57: That dude looks at least 50. He just retired from being a professional tennis player last year? Come on, now. Yeah, I just googled him and he was 46-47 when this was filmed. Hard living, I guess?

10:38: So now that I know what the movie’s about, was that whole thing code? Does “bring the registration” mean “kill my wife?” I know I’m not totally up on ’50s slang, but that would be crazy. Otherwise, who buys a car he’s only seen and not driven?

18:41: Jesus, this dude is a terrible storyteller. It’s been at least 7 minutes of him just rambling and going on and on and I don’t know anything I couldn’t have guessed before. He saw them together, he stole the letter, etc. etc.

19:47: I will say this: Him literally wiping the dude’s fingerprints off everything right in front of him as he talks, erasing him from the scene, is some steel balls type stuff. “No one will ever know you were here.”

24:18: OMG THIS HAS NOW BEEN ALMOST 15 MINUTES OF BLACKMAILING. Good lord, Hitchcock is terrible. I’m almost a quarter of the way through the movie and there have been four scenes. This has been 15 of those 25 minutes. Cripes, man, edit better.

31:29: THEY’RE STILL TALKING. Also, when the retired tennis pro knows more about how to pull off a clean murder caper, maybe the felon he’s hiring isn’t all that great at his job? Milland is on the phone and the “murderer” is wandering around, opening up drapes, turning lights on and off, peering around … nothing like some weirdness like that to make neighbors take notice of odd behavior four days before a woman is murdered. These guys are terrible.

32:46: I also just realized I’m being awfully judgmental when I would have no idea how to kill someone. There, that counts as plausible deniability.

33:39: I do wish that full 23-minute clip was on Youtube. I mean, seriously. 23 minutes of a movie that last an hour and 45 minutes is a LOT of time to show two dudes just talking.

34:23: I can honestly tell you I’ve never asked someone, “Do you really believe in the perfect murder?” I mean, what the actual heck?

36:22: His wife wants to go to a movie and he’s all, “No, do wifely things like write thank-you notes or paste in clippings about me into that notebook.” I know he’s doing it so she’s home and the dude can kill her, but ugh.

37:03: Continuity issue: He closed the drapes like two minutes ago, and now they’re open again, so he had to close them again. Booooo.

44:29: That dude is the worst death-scene actor ever. All that build-up for a weird convulsion? PS those are the strongest scissors ever for her to get that much damage while gasping for air AND being held down by a guy much stronger than her.

45:20: If I ever get married, and I tell my husband a man just strangled me and his response is, “Did he get away?” wellllll … that’s going to be the last conversation we have without lawyers.

48:58: I feel like she should be asking why her husband was all “Don’t talk to anyone, don’t touch anything, I’m just going to get this blanket to dispose of the body” and not “call the police!”

49:15: OK, at least now he mentioned the police. I thought he was going to try to pretend like this never happened, which would be weird.

50:24: Wow, he’s really going to try to frame his wife for murder? Just take the loss and move on, pal.

54:10: I honestly didn’t know that intermissions really were a thing back then. Now, movies are 2 1/2-3 hours long and no intermission. We’re getting ripped off!

1:03:03: The inspector is shutting him DOWN. Ol’ dude didn’t think of everything! Sunk by a rainy night and a clean door mat. This is why I don’t have a door mat. Also, I’m bad at adulting.

1:05:43: STUPID COP, SHUT UP AND LISTEN. The friend and the wife are both asking about him calling and how his story didn’t match up and he didn’t have a reason for calling, and you’re talking over them to ask about the timeline.

1:06:27: Milland/Wendice is a terrible crime committer, but he’s very quick on his feet. I’ll give him that.

1:07:14: OH SNAP. The cop sent Milland/Wendice out to “open the gate” then spun around and was like “Hey, homie, does he know you and his wife are doing the dirty?” Well, not quite in those words, but the meaning is the same.

1:12:16: Hitchcock sure did love some weird backlight tricks. This one looks better than the trippy dream sequence in “Vertigo” though.

1:13:00: Now I don’t know if she actually was convicted, or if that just was another dream sequence. Damn you, Hitchcock!

1:14:22: Well, I guess she was convicted, since they’re talking about saving her life. Why does Milland/Wendice keep talking to her boyfriend? He should just shut him out if he supposedly just found out about this affair, or whatever.

1:15:28: I’m intrigued by the boyfriend. I can’t tell if he’s making this up or if he really sees through the husband’s lies. Then again, if he did see through it and let it go this far, then he’s kind of a dick too.

1:19:07: Why is there a bed in the middle of the living room? What is happening? Oh, apparently he can’t sleep in her room because of the memories or something.

1:28:04: This movie is really picking up steam, not going to lie. The husband is Class A jerkwad, but I like the boyfriend quite a lot. He talks before he has everything figured out (soulmate) but he’s thinking, at least.

1:29:15: I’m 99 percent sure the cop can’t just steal his jacket and do a whole switcheroo thing. That seems like it would be against protocol.

1:30:24: I thought it sounded like the cop went up some stairs, but they live on the ground floor. You’re not sneaky, Mr. Officer! That being said, even if swiping the coat were legal, you can’t just unlock someone’s front door and just go in without a warrant.

1:34:00: People who are being executed the next day generally don’t get breaks in which they can just go peruse their old dwellings, right? I’m not just imagining that?

1:36:38: “In a couple of days, you’re going to have the most wonderful breakdown.” Why don’t I ever get warnings before my breakdowns?

1:44:16: That’s actually a brilliant finish to the whole saga. I still say that 23-minute exposition was about 18 minutes too long, but I do love a good “tying up the loose ends of a whodunnit” and this one was well done. But why are they all like “Sure, I’ll take a drink from you, the man who tried to kill me?”

1:45:08: The detective brushing his mustache as he called in the whole thing is hilarious. Good closer.

The last 45-60 minutes of this movie were pretty solid. I feel like if I were seeing Hitchcock in his original time, I’d be able to appreciate all his groundbreakingness or whatever, but it just feels tortured sometimes. I liked this much more than “Vertigo,” but that’s a very low bar to clear. I really liked Grace Kelly, and I liked the guy who played the boyfriend, but the husband just wasn’t a great actor. The detective, however, was the best part. 🙂

Next up: “Imitation of Life!”

‘Jurassic Park’

November 19, 2016

Stars: Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Sam Neill

Rated: PG-13

Released: 1993

What I “know”: Way more than any movie so far, and that’s just from being a denizen of the internet. There’s a park where they’re cloning/creating real dinosaurs, and things go terribly awry (who couldn’t see that coming?). Also, Jeff Goldblum just Goldblums all over the place.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “A multimillionaire (Richard Attenborough) unveils a new theme park where visitors can observe dinosaurs cloned using advanced DNA technology. But when an employee tampers with the security system, the dinosaurs escape, forcing the visitors to fight for their survival. Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern star in this thrilling, action-packed blockbuster from acclaimed director Steven Spielberg and based on the novel by Michael Crichton.

I think I’m one of the few people on this planet who hasn’t seen this movie. Even my mom, who hasn’t seen a movie that isn’t on Lifetime or Hallmark in years, has seen it. This movie’s old enough to have a college degree and a crippling amount of student debt. I’m kind of psyched to see it, not going to lie. Who doesn’t love Jeff Goldblum?

OK, besides that guy.

1:41: If that little forklift is carrying a dinosaur, that already looks like bad planning. A good jolt from inside the crate would knock that thing sideways … way too top-heavy.

2:20: And if it is a dinosaur, it must be a teeny-tiny baby for a.) it to fit in that crate and b.) for like 8 guys to be able to push a huge metal crate with a dinosaur in it.

3:07: OK, so the thing’s strong enough to break the seal with the compartment AND shove the crate backward and run people over, plus hold on to this dude while it’s being shocked a ton … but they could just gently push it in and carry it on a forklift? Shenanigans. I call shenanigans. I’m glad she ate that guy.

3:30: A guy in a suit is on a block of wood being pulled to the shore by a shirtless man in the Dominican Republic. How did he get on a piece of wood? He’s not wet at all, there’s no one else with him. Was he like on a plane that landed in the water and he climbed on to that and he was pulled three miles to the shore? What is happening? Also, the guy with the hat who meets him … is in one of my very guiltiest pleasure movies, “Up Close and Personal” with Robert Redford and Michelle Pfeiffer. If you haven’t seen it, do it NOW.

8:27: Laura Dern is really rocking those mom jeans.

10:55: I’d just like the whole movie to be Richard Attenborough speaking, please.

13:45: Crap, I forgot Newman was in this.

15:18: Wait, there’s a black-market dinosaur trade going on? Or is this something else? Is there a side plot?

20:33: Well, both of them standing up in the jeep is the first part of the movie I’d seen before, so there’s that, but … how do you not notice that thing? Even if you’re staring at a map, it’s walking like 20 feet from you and making dinosaur noises. Come on, Dern. Pay attention!

21:05: These graphics were really cutting-edge in 1993, weren’t they? It’s so hard to think about things as they used to be because now I’m just like, “Meh, I’ve seen better.” It kind of stinks that way. Wish I’d seen this in its time.

21:49: He’s standing 10 feet from a dinosaur. Why is a T-Rex so mind-blowing??

22:59: I will say I would feel woefully unprotected in an open-air jeep, but I guess that’s a thing in like safaris and stuff. But still … I’d want to be in a tank or something.

23:42: The first super-Goldblumy moment .. sure there was him being weird on the helicopter, and him grinning maniacally in the jeep, but saying “Don’t you mean extinct?” then jogging up the stairs is prime Goldblumation.

27:25: WHY DID THAT MAN JUST ASK IF THE PEOPLE IN THE LAB WERE AUTO-EROTICA? WHAT IS HAPPENING? Auto-erotica in the same room with Jeff Goldblum? They were just asking for disaster.

31:11: Oh, Goldblum, you magnificent man.

33:57: This dude is basically telling them all that the queen velociraptor is a murder machine that is smarter and faster than they are. Why is everyone so jovial about it?

36:09: Wow, I never knew the “You were so preoccupied with if you could that you didn’t stop to think about if you should” or paraphrases thereof came from this movie. Neato!

38:53: Ooooh a CD-ROM? Yesssss. That being said, I’m not sure I like the idea of the cars being limited to one path if the dinosaurs are out there. They can just knock you over and you have no way to swerve. This is a first-level issue that they’ve overlooked.

39:56: Sam Neill facing the idea of being trapped in a car with a kid for hours is me facing the idea of being trapped in a car with a kid for hours.

40:54: SAMUEL L. FREAKING JACKSON? And his first line is “Hold on to your butts?” Thank you, Steven Spielberg. Thank you.

41:55: I feel like that gate is woefully undersized. One big set of doors and then the fence doesn’t even come close to being that tall. Even if it’s electric, they could figure it out. This lawyer is terrible at his job.

44:44: SERIOUSLY, the fence next to the tunnel they drove out of to get to the T-Rex part is like a slanted line down to where the concrete part starts, so there it’s only like 5-10 feet tall. This whole thing is a death trap. How did no one see this coming??

49:08: That dude who is afraid of velociraptors is right … They really should have locking mechanisms on the vehicles so idiots don’t jump out and run at the dinosaurs. This lawyer should be disbarred.

52:50: Goldblum just went lowbrow for the “pile of shit” comment while the only woman there is elbow deep in it, trying to help. Good on you, Laura Dern.

56:50: I hope the $1.5M that he expects to get is enough for Newman to realize what a total doof he is. “Oh, I’ll just turn off these security systems while the lawyer is here to determine if this park is even going to exist.”

1:00:18: I’m not going to lie, they are SUPER calm for people who have unelectrified fences and no security systems with giant dinosaurs and two cars full of people, including the main dude’s grandkids. I expect more action here.

1:02:46: So a T-Rex just showed up, walking heavily enough to jar their vehicles, and ate a goat 10 feet from their cars and no one noticed? They all deserve whatever happens to them. The order I’d like them eaten in: 1. The bratty little kid; 2. The lawyer; 3. The vegetarian; 4. Sam Neill; Never. Jeff Goldblum.

1:04:14: “Boy, do I hate being right all the time.” I feel you, Goldblum. I feel you. It’s a cross to bear, for sure.

1:05: 23: So she didn’t turn the light off just for the cool shot with his eye dilating? I mean, it was totally worth it (best shot of the movie so far) but makes her an idiot.

1:06:11: So a dinosaur can’t break a piece of plexiglass OR the arms of two children? And if you watch it, in the second shot it’s broken and they’re holding a piece of it and then they show it again and it’s whole again.

1:07:00: Also, kudos to the vehicle designer who came up with a jeep that could withstand a freaking DINOSAUR standing on it and not collapse, just sink down into the mud.

1:07:51: Well, I at least got No. 2 out of the way. And that wasn’t a poop pun, even though he was on a toilet.

1:09:10: They’re just sacrificing the boy? I mean, it’s the right choice, obviously, annoying little brat … but still surprising.

1:11:19: Oh yeah, I forgot. 3. Newman. Looks like I might get my wish, with only Nos. 1 and 2 reversed.

1:12:53: Bless Newman for talking to the dinosaur. He legit sounds like me when I come home and my dogs jump all over me. “I don’t have any food, guys. Look, no food! There’s no food here!”

1:14:10: I laughed really loudly at the dinosaur inside his jeep. Stupid Newman.

1:15:20: Physics lesson No. 402: If a vehicle slides down the side of a wall, as the jeep did when the T-Rex shoved it over, then it won’t suddenly change trajectory and end up in a tree about 50 feet away from the wall.

1:15:55: Also, there’s NO WAY that kid’s still alive. He’s like Rambo. And apparently with no broken bones AND no symptoms of shock. IT’S A MODERN MIRACLE.

1:17:35: Here’s a crazy idea … shimmy around the tree to where you’re not directly in the path of a falling vehicle?

1:17:56: Physics lesson No. 403: At some point that jeep would have started flipping. It wouldn’t just drive down the side of the tree.

1:19:13: GOLDBLUM LIVES.

1:23:53: Sam Neill, your “I guess we’ll just have to evolve too” doesn’t hold a candle to Goldblum’s “extinct” line. Stop being cheesy. It only works for him.

1:28:35: Laura Dern just put the beatdown on that delusional old man, and ended it with ice cream. That’s my kind of lady!

1:29:58: UGH. Dinosaur snot is disgusting.

1:32:36: I wish I was smart enough to know if any of this crap they’re spouting is real. Samuel L. sounds like a boss, tho.

1:35:50: “Don’t move, their vision is by motion” apparently gets trumped by “stay low and follow me.” That’s a freaking meat-eater tearing something to shreds. Maybe just chill for a minute?

1:36:13: “If the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists.”

1:44:12: There are far too many people in this movie who are stronger than dinosaurs. She just kept a dinosaur on the other side of a chain link fence by kicking the door. WTF?

1:45:31: RIP guy who thought velociraptors were awesome. At least he died doing what he loved? Not sure.

1:48:14: I totally forgot the kitchen was a thing. I knew that from this, which always made me laugh.

1:52:17: Now even the 14-year-old vegetarian is stronger than a dinosaur.

1:53:22: “I can’t get the gun unless I move” she says as she leans against the joint of the door, literally doing NOTHING to help keep the dinosaur out.

1:55:28: Apparently when they cloned these dinosaurs, they removed all their strength and their defenses against kicks to the jaw. One kick and that dinosaur literally fell from the ceiling to the floor. Why?

1:57:55: How did the T-Rex even get IN there???

First off, I will say I bet this movie was a BLAST in theaters when it first came out. On a huge screen, it would be great. And I know I really shouldn’t nitpick on facts in a sci-fi movie, but these are actual creatures about which things are known. So when those things are disregarded and basic physics are thrown out, it bothers me. If they were up against aliens, or some unknown creature, then I wouldn’t know how things should go. And I’m not a scientist OR a physicist, so there’s a possibility everything that happened actually made sense. But .. it didn’t to me? It was still super enjoyable and a great popcorn movie. Plus, Jeff Goldblum.

Next up: “Dial M for Murder.” I know the queue’s been out of order lately, but “Imitation of Life” was on a long wait so it just got mailed out and it will go after “DMFM.”

‘History of the World: Part 1’

November 14, 2016

Stars: Mel Brooks, Dom DeLuise, Madeline Kahn, Harvey Korman, Cloris Leachman

Rated: R

Released: 1981

What I “know:” It’s Mel Brooks. And as someone who loves “Spaceballs,” I’m excited. I know I could use a few laughs after this week, and last night’s “Saturday Night Live” with Dave Chapelle helped … but I’m ready to laugh at things that don’t even tangentially involve the election. So yeah, what I know is it’s a Mel Brooks movie, and it has to do with history?

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Mel Brooks’s comic genius is unleashed in spades in this episodic spoof of history’s seminal moments (narrated by Orson Welles), which begins with a brilliant send-up of the cinematic classic “2001: A Space Odyssey.” Brooks goes on to lampoon the Stone Age, the Roman Empire, the Spanish Inquisition and ends with a clever takeoff on the French Revolution.

So two thoughts that may not make this the best movie for me to liveblog, so feel free to abort if you want: 1. Based solely on “Spaceballs” (the only Brooks film I’ve seen) I don’t know how many … takes I’ll have? Just kind of feels like “gag, gag, gag, line of dialogue, gag” which doesn’t really lend itself to me figuring out how things fit together; and 2. I’ve admitted previously I’m not a history person. So some things that are hilarious to others may just go over my head.

Trailer!

2:09: Never mind, first bit had me laughing. Well done, apemen. Nothing says “Settle into your seats for an award-winning classic, moviegoers of 1981” like masturbation.

6:25: This movie is really weird to me. It’s like if a fifth-grader made skits to go with his history textbook. I don’t get it. Bring me Darth Helmet!

8:06: So apparently they learned to speak thanks to a rock falling on someone’s foot? Awesome.

9:13: Does anyone know what Commandments 11-15 were? I feel like I probably have racked up a few more sins I’m not getting credit for.

9:38: I half-smiled at the “V and X Cent Store” for what it’s worth (15 cents).

11:40: Nice cameos by Hugh Hefner and Bea Arthur though. I will never not love Bea Arthur.

13:00: See, the humor is in the language, not the sight gags. “N-v-t-s nuts” made me laugh.

14:00: Man, that Gregory Hines guy sure could dance. Also, the first sight gag hits … and it involves his junk.

19:42: Madeline Kahn was a gift to the world. Only she can make gum-smacking and crudeness work .. my hero.

23:38: I was very hit or miss on Dom DeLuise whenever I’d see him. Sometimes funny, sometimes not. This is … a not? I don’t know. I sometimes go for over the top, but this isn’t it.

33:36: No, seriously, Madeline Kahn was amazing. The whole “pick your escorts for the orgy” bit was awesome.

37:44: I must have missed the whole “Gregory Hines was a funny guy” thing.

38:35: Welllllll the more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess?

42:41: Good ol’ Miracle. Not going to lie, the scene with the whipping made me nauseous, but I’m glad that beautiful horse is about to save these mischievous scamps.

43:11: I hope if I’m ever in a swordfight and all I have are props, that I’ll come up with a line to follow “Goodbye, head!” like “Hello, balls!” and then a swift kick.

45:40: Of course the black man smells “something familiar” and pulls them over to roll the largest blunt in history. Man, the ’80s were a weird time for racial stereotyping. Then again, it was a white guy walking through town with a boombox, I think? So maybe not. I think “Blazing Saddles” is in my queue and I don’t feel like it’s going to have aged well for a first-time viewer.

52:34: The “Who’s on First” thing with Jesus didn’t work for me, but I snorted at him getting in on the Last Supper painting.

52:56: On to the Spanish Inquisition. All I know about it is that no one expects it.

55:24: I started to like this movie once we got to the Roman part and out of the cavemen part, but I’ll be honest … I wish there were more musical numbers. P.S. Go watch “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” on the CW.

No, but seriously. That’s freaking great.

1:12:13: Look, I know it’s kind of Mel Brooks’s thing to push buttons and stuff. But this whole French Revolution segment is making me REALLY uncomfortable. “You don’t put out, he don’t get out” about her father sentenced to death? Gross.

Yeah, that didn’t end well. I’d rank the segments as 1. Spanish Inquisition (I love a musical number); 2. Roman Empire; 3. Stone Age; 4. French Revolution. I’m going to put this well behind “Spaceballs” in my “list” of Brooks movies I’ve seen, but I really enjoyed the middle part, and it was good to just see some weird, joke-filled fun. I needed it.

Next up: “Jurassic Park!”

‘Jeremiah Johnson’

November 7, 2016

Stars: Delle Bolton, Will Geer, Robert Redford

Rated: PG

Released: 1972

What I “know”: Very little. I hadn’t even heard of this movie before “The Way We Were” and “All the President’s Men” drastically increased my interest in Young Robert Redford. But a friend recommended it and I know he says like eight words all movie, so we’ll see how that goes. I know he lives in the mountains, so I’m hoping he doesn’t look like Grizzly Adams.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In a quiet performance (he speaks perhaps 30 lines of dialogue in the whole film), loner Jeremiah Johnson (Robert Redford) seeks isolation in the mountains, but he’s forced to battle nature’s inconstancy and nearly every American Indian in the vicinity to survive. Redford persuaded director Sydney Pollack to film in Utah, ensuring the the movie — based on Vardis Fisher’s novel — would have a breathtaking backdrop.”

Well, I guess 30 lines is better than eight words? I’m concerned, but here’s hoping.

First, trailer!! And I’m not watching it, but holy hell, that screen shot they’re using is not optimistic for my “not Grizzly Adams” wish.

Turns out that’s a rare embed as most of the videos from this movie are from a provider that has disabled embeds, so everything else is hyperlinked. But don’t miss the clips!

4:10: AGAIN with the overture to start the movie? What is going on? Anyway, first shot of young, sweet Jeremiah … fresh off the boat, literally, and looking clean cut save his giant chops.

5:10: Heh, heh, he said beaver. There’s his first line. No more than 29 to go!

6:34: Aw, he tried to shoot a deer, missed, and looked so sad! Poor Jeremiah.

7:31: We’re getting increasingly Grizzly here, and he hasn’t even set up camp yet. Also, if that thing he looked at was all that was left of his meat, and he’s a terrible shot, how are he and his horse and ass still alive?

8:15: This movie is honestly almost like sci-fi to me. Like, I get that it might be possible, but I don’t understand it. My four favorite things in the world are my family, my animals, air conditioning and television. Not always in that order. I can’t comprehend on a realistic level this way of living. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

8:34: So, ol J.J. tries his luck at fishing and it doesn’t go well. Then it appears he attempts to just grab a fish with his bare hands while on a snow-covered log or something over a river. That also didn’t go well. So in the middle of winter, in the mountains, with what appear to be 5-foot snowbanks on either side of the river, this idiot decides to just jump in the water in his slacks and jacket and start flailing about. Sure, he grabbed one, but then he dropped it because his hands had probably stopped working from the cold. Sir, may I remind you that we still have no proof you have a residence or a way to dry said clothing aside from a campfire? Egads, man.

Also, he looks a little Mark Hamilly here:

And this is not the face of a man who is happy to see you scavenging his land for food:

10:20: He’s literally showing no ill effects from his little river dive. He lit a fire and he’s just camped out under a tree in a howling wind. Of course, as someone who hates being outdoors and despises things like that, that could very well be possible. I’m not an expert! Just seems unlikely.

10:24: HAAHHAHHAA a huge chunk of snow just fell out of the trees on his “fire.” J.J., this might be a sign for you to head on home to wherever you came from, pal.

10:52: What happened to his horse and ass? Did he eat them? Serious question … first four minutes were him and his horses, now nada. Also, probably very sobering when you plop down to shoot some dinner and you see a man frozen to death right in front of you. GO HOME NOW.

11:57: It’s going to take a lot for someone to top Hatchet Jack as my favorite person in this movie, and he spoke even fewer lines than Redford does. I love a man who, while dying, writes a “will” to give his rifle to whomever finds him, talks of the gun’s virtues, and then is like “Anyway, I’m dead. Sincerely, Hatchet Jack.” RIP, H.J.

12:23: NO! BAMBI’S MOTHER. NO. I guess I wanted the “I killed and ate my dinner” to be a lot more abstract? I don’t know. Still sad. Also, he spent like five or six of his lines on Hatchet Jack and his rifle, so I hope it was worth it to him.

13:06: YOU SONUVABITCH YOU KILLED YOUR HORSE. I hate J.J. So much. Selfish SOB, and not even a very good outdoorsman. Didn’t build shelter, just curled up on the ground to sleep. Monster.

13:31: Now he’s asking this donkey/burro/ass/whatever to carry everything alone AND do it in like five feet of snow, while J.J.’s just tromping along on snowshoes. As a 1/16th Cherokee, I can say I’m rooting for the Native Americans in this movie.

14:30: Well now, Bear Claw is making a strong push to pass Hatchet Jack on my likeability scale. He has the benefit of being alive, but also this line: “I know who you are! You’re the same dumb pilgrim that I been hearin’ for twenty days, and smellin’ for three!” Also, Bear Claw looks like he is supposed to be in the Hunger Games or something … though I guess he is?

15:28: And this gem:

Bear Claw: You know how to skin grizz?

J.J.: I can skin most anything.

B.C.: You sure are cocky for a starving pilgrim.

Enjoy it all here, though they’ve disable embeds for this video, so whatever.

16:48: Jesus Christ, B.C. is insane. Just led a damn grizzly into his house (where J.J. was noshing on his hanging meats (not a euphemism)) then jumped out a window and said “Skin that one and I’ll get you another.” He literally just led a bear into his house and left J.J. alone in there with it. Cripes.

22:00: I love that J.J. took B.C.’s words to heart and literally fired his rifle at the elk AS IT RESTED ON HIS HORSE’S BACK. Yeah, that won’t spook him at all, you idiot. How did he survive this long? He should have been a Darwin candidate months ago.

25:35: So his horse died, then he spooked one of B.C.’s horses, who split town. At times it was just B.C.’s horse and J.J.’s donkey. Now he’s on a third horse? Is B.C. just stockpiling horses and giving them away to kindly, terribly prepared strangers?

27:33: So the Crows are basically landlording the land? Like, “We don’t like you being here but if you keep giving us stuff we’ll let it slide?” Weird.

Also, J.J. smokin’ the ol’ peace pipe, if you know what I’m saying …

28:23: J.J., who has lost 1-2 horses, depending on if this is B.C.’s horse that got spooked or a third one, just stumbled across a home with a woman outside and he lackadaisically loops the lead around a piece of wood. Doesn’t tie it, doesn’t do anything. I hope the horse runs!

28:43: Ummm those people have been scalped. Literally scalped. And I think they’re kids. Is she a teacher, or just a woman with 6 kids? No idea, but this doesn’t look good. GO HOME, J.J. THIS IS NOT IDEALISM, THIS IS TERROR.

32:48: He’s by no means wordy, but he’s said way more than 30 lines of dialogue. Maybe 30 conversations, but way more than 30 lines. I’m happy as I imagined a mostly silent movie of a guy just walking through the woods.

37:45: Everyone in this movie is insane. The mom crazed with grief. Bear Claw. The dude buried up to his neck in sand who’s still cracking jokes because he’s OBVIOUSLY insane.

42:26: Oh no he didn’t! The crazy bald one who just killed the Indians just snuck their scalps onto J.J.’s donkey so he wouldn’t be blamed for it when he’s the one who did it. I hope he gets eaten alive by vultures.

43:37: A few words of advice for J.J.: Maybe don’t rely on the crazy man who just scalped Indians to translate what the angry Indian is telling you. Annnnnnd they just discovered the scalps. Methinks this won’t be a friendly conversation.

46:33: I was kind of wrong? They were allegedly (since I don’t trust crazy man when he’s sober, let alone when he’s drunk) saying they’re impressed with the scalps, so J.J.’s all “Go ahead and keep the skin and hair of your countrymen” like it’s a thing, and then they all start whispering and Drunk Jerk goes, “What are you doing, they were honoring you and you gave them a gift. Now if they can’t find something better for you, it’s an insult” and the chief sends one of his minions out to get the gift and Drunk Jerk starts laughing maniacally.

And that is the face of someone who’s just been told an Indian chief is gifting you his daughter.

48:04: Which leads to the most romantic wedding ever!

54:27: When starting a marriage, please refer to your wife’s native language as “all that gibberish.” Even though she can’t understand you, the condescension still comes through!

56:44: LISTEN YOU CREEP. Just because you married a chick you’ve never met doesn’t mean you can lift her blanket off her naked body as she sleeps and say “Lord.” GROSS.

58:54: Holy shit, you guys!!1!11! Like literally losing my mind. I have seen this gif 4000000000 times in my life (it’s used a lot on imgur, don’t blame me) and I honest to god, on my mother’s life, always assumed it was some Zach Galifianakis skit from some unseen show.

ARE YOU HEARING ME? I CONFUSED ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WITH ROBERT REDFORD. FOR LIKE TWO YEARS. Nothing is true any more. This is the most mind-bending thing that has happened to me in … well, ever.

1:00:38: The weird Hallmark-movie type of things like the above gif (god help me, every time I see it I freak out) and his weird face while leaning in the doorway while they build their house seems … out of place? I don’t know. Just weird.

1:01:05: The cute moment where his orphan boy chops a branch off a tree and looks up to him for acceptance was really adorable.

1:02:00: J.J. to the orphan, who he has sent off to bring back “proper food”: “Keep your nose open, there may be Indians abou…” *catches glimpse of wife sitting next to him, sentence trails off*

1:07:42: No. 1, the special effects on this wolf pack fight scene are out of this world. Robert Redford wrestling stuffed animals is everything I never knew I wanted out of life. No. 2, are we surprised at this point that his horse came into danger? It’s kind of what he does. He’s Jeremiah Johnson, and he’s horrible for horses.

1:09:25: Fine, I’m 12, but him asking the orphan boy if he had “beaver scent” the morning after he slept with his wife for what I’m assuming was the first time (hence the beard burn) made me laugh out loud.

1:10:30: HE SHAVED FOR HER. I was going to say “his first redeeming thing” but he did take in the boy when his mom went apeshit crazy, so fine. But good for him.

1:11:41: Oh, cleanshaven Robert Redford, how I’ve missed you. Never leave me again. Even with the floopy hair.

1:17:00: It’s a movie that last 1:55, and you put an intermission in with like 38 minutes left? WTF, Sydney Pollack?

1:24:13: Wait, they killed his wife and orphan boy because he rode through the burial ground? That seems … slightly unfair to them?

1:27:36: Wait, what? He helps a strange woman bury her children, but he sets his wife and orphan kid ablaze in the house they built? Man … J.J. cracked.

1:29:45: HE JUST RAN AND JUMPED AND KICKED A DUDE OFF THE TOP OF A HORSE. This movie is insanity.

1:36:40: They came back for him, but they only sent one guy and J.J. dispatched of him. PS I’m no longer rooting for the Native Americans after they killed his family as some sort of payback.

1:37:16: And again! I give the Crows this … they don’t give up. But man, you gotta do better than going at him one on one. He took out like eight Crows and they saw him coming!

1:39:43: AND AGAIN with one guy, and they went after the other guy first? Why, guys? Sheesh, at this point you deserve to bite the big one if you’re not even going to try.

1:43:37: There’s a whole montage of him killing Crows who are trying to kill him … wait for it … one by one. Lordy, people.

1:44:08: OH GOD, SOMEONE GOT HIM. He’s still blinking, and there’s like 11 minutes left in the movie, so I don’t think he dies here. But yikes.

1:44:14: The shot from in front of him, with him looking up through his eyebrow, while a shadowy figure moves behind him … that’s the best shot of the movie. So good. It’s around the 1:10 mark in the video above, but it has to pan because it’s not wide screen. But in wide screen, it’s gorgeous.

1:44:55: Well, he shot the guy? But now he has a spear, liver-deep, in his gut. That can’t be good.

1:50:14: Bear Claw’s back? They’re literally living in a giant splay of land and he just keeps running into people he knows? Gah. But I’m glad to have Bear Claw back. The other guy was a poor substitute.

And it ends with him and the Crows making peace. I’m just going to pretend that was a ploy by the Crows, they kept coming at him and he eventually firebombed them just so he could get a good night’s sleep.

I was really pleasantly surprised by this movie. Had I not heard from friends (and the movie sleeve) that he didn’t talk much, it really wouldn’t have struck me as markedly less. Sure, there were long periods of not talking, but that was because of the setting. It’s not like he was mute. Also, I went on a roller-coaster ride with how I felt about J.J. and I think that’s good … no one wants to know the good guy/bad guy right away. Gotta figure it out! But coming in to a movie with Redford as a mountain man, hardly speaking, and it’s classified (at least partly) as a Western? I was not super optimistic. But I actually really liked it.

Next up: History of the World, Part 1!

‘How to Marry a Milloinaire’

October 29, 2016

Stars: Lauren Bacall, Betty Grable, Marilyn Monroe

Rated: NR

Released: 1953

What I “know”: Very little, but that’s some damn star power. Also, I’m VERY excited to have a 95-minute movie, and a comedy. I need this.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In this classic comedy, three New York models (Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable and Lauren Bacall) set up an apartment with a mission: They plan to use their looks, charm and talent to catch and marry a trio of millionaires. The gold-digging dames’ outrageous man-hunting scheme does attract wealthy candidates, but love and money don’t appear to coexist; all three women must choose between the extremes.”

First off, I accidentally typed “god-digging,” which is a totally different movie. Also, this sounds more and more like exactly what I need right now. Super psyched. Double also, I’ve never seen anything with Monroe or Grable in it, and I’ve only seen Bacall in “Casablanca,” which I hated. So I’m double excited.

Trailer!

I try not to watch the trailers any more, as I don’t want things spoiled. But I started this one just to make sure it’s not just labeled wrong and man … they sure liked to advertise the technology and stuff with words. I think I made it 42 seconds in and it was still just words on the screen about Cinemascope. Good luck, y’all!

00:43: So I just learned that that incessant selling of Cinemascope in the trailer was the first scene of the movie (minus the 400 words). just a giant giant GIANT freaking orchestra. I need some zany dames! None of this classy junk.

2:02: Seriously, did I get the wrong disc? Is this just a concert performance? What is happening here?

3:01: Ummmmm… still just an orchestra? No credits, no nothing. Just literally an orchestra.

5:02: This movie is an hour and 35 minutes. That means that SO FAR the first 1/19th of this movie has just been an orchestra. And that 1:35 counts things like the closing credits. I really feel like I should have fast-forwarded by now. If I’d been alive in the ’50s and gone to see this in the theater, I’d be pissed if I could have waited a little longer for fresh popcorn.

5:51: The conductor turned around and bowed. I thought it was over. THEN HE RAISED HIS BATON AGAIN. WTF is even going on in this thing????? Marilyn Monroe better be hiding in a timpani.

6:05: WAIT THAT WAS LEGITIMATELY JUST AN INTRO TO THE CREDITS? Go home, 1953, you’re wasting my life.

6:41: Musical direction is by Alfred Newman. It makes sense now. It’s all an elaborate ruse. Where’s Spy vs. Spy?

7:12: Finally the movie starts. Egads.

7:46: Ooooh this movie ALSO shows my favorite bridge in Central Park. Not all is forgiven, but some. So pretty!

8:20: If you took the “under” on the 8-minute line for the first bit of dialogue, I’m sorry for your loss.

9:02: The doorknob is in the middle of the door? Is that a thing? Was it a thing? Is that a New York thing? So weird. Nice apartment though. If these chicks can afford this apartment for their scam, they don’t need millionaires.

11:23: Oh, Marilyn. Those are pretty nice glasses. No need to hide your blindness just to catch you a man. After all, as soon as you shake hands with his lamp, he’s going to know you can’t see shit.

12:30: Never mind, don’t wear the glasses. Apparently men will buy your week’s worth of groceries if you’re not wearing glasses.

14:11: “The next thing you’ve got to remember is that a gentleman you meet among the cold cuts is simply not as attractive as, say, one that you meet in the mink department at Bergdorf’s.” No. 1, why is there a whole department for mink? No. 2, I’d be wary of any man hanging about in the mink department. Probably a furry. No. 3, how do three models in NYC not recognize a dude whose last name is on a building?

14:45: I’m just going to type this in verbatim and bite my tongue on what a dolt she is. This is Bacall, or Mrs. Paige (Page? No clue) on her ex-husband: “I was absolutely nuts about that guy and you know what he did to me? First off, he gives me a phony name. Second, it turns out he was already married. Third, from the second the preacher said “Amen,” he never did another tap (?) of work. The next thing I knew he’d stolen my television set and given it to a carhop. And when I asked him how’s about that he hits me with a chicken!” WTF, ladies? I don’t think money is your real problem with men.

15:38: In her defense, I do use more brains in picking horses in races than I do in choosing men. Point, Bacall.

16:37: “Well if you don’t marry him, you haven’t caught him … he’s caught you.” Bacall, pre-feminism. And I present Betty Grable:

18:32: I feel like Bacall’s the mom and Grable and Monroe are her ditzy Chrissy Snow-like daughters. I guess I shouldn’t expect a 1950s rom-com about gold-diggers to showcase really deep characters, but come on.

20:13: Bacall’s bitching that they’re not engaged after three months, let alone married. Good lord, things moved quickly back then. Also, hard to get engaged if your gentleman caller has nowhere to sit because you’ve had to sell everything from your furnished apartment to buy a loaf of bread.

29:26: God, these women are vapid. I get it, it’s the time and the models and blah blah blah. But I like Grable the best. She’s charming as hell. And it’s good to see that Marilyn Monroe plays understated with her outfit.

32:30: It oddly cracks me up that Marilyn Monroe’s dream of her wealthy future with her one-eyed husband starts with a gold plane and ends with an Arabian prince just handing her armfuls of jewels.

33:31: HAHAHAHAH Grable’s is a hot sandwich and a beer. I knew I liked her!

35:29: Monroe is rocking some serious stripper heels in this bathing suit modeling gig she’s doing. Clear sole and heel, strappy? Ahead of her time, I say.

37:31: These outfits in this fashion show thing are RIDICULOUS. I hope these aren’t indicative of the times.

45:14: Betty Grable is a petulant child in this scene in the lodge, but I love that she’s a.) walking around all normal until she smells the rum; b.) then decides she’s on death’s door and she has a 102-degree temperature. When I’m at 102, I’m dead to the world.

47:01: Cut back to NYC and some sneaky guy in a cab in the pouring rain with a hat, trenchcoat and sunglasses. He rolls down the window in the back seat, looks out, then gets out the other door … leaving the window down. What a jerk! He’s apparently Mr. Denmark but I don’t remember who that is? The apartment’s owner? I can’t remember. Ah, yes, income tax reference, that’s him.

48:36: So wait, they’re really just subletting and they sold THIS guy’s stuff? That’s some sketchy stuff there, Bacall.

52:02: Bacall is 25 in this movie like I’m 25 now. PS I’m 40. Holy crap, I just googled, and she was only 29. Cripes, she aged QUICKLY. I honestly would have put her in late 30s. Did she not have a “dewy young” stage??

55:28: The special effects in this movie are awesome. They’re “skiing” downhill by standing in front of a moving screen with fans blowing on them. Love it. Also, Grable sure is active for someone with the measles.

56:56: Wait, so she’s better and now he has measles? And the guy said she’d be better in “a couple of weeks?” So they’ve been at this cabin for at least 2-3 weeks, they’ve got a housekeeper of some sort … and this guy’s wife doesn’t care that he’s just gone and sick to death without her? What is even going on in this movie?

58:07: I’m back on Team Grable after her big thing with poor people not disinheriting their kids.

1:00:11: I’m 2/3 of the way through this movie and I’m calling shenanigans on the Netflix sleeve. It said they’d have to choose between love and money … Grable’s ‘poor’ guy owns a crapton of land, Bacall’s ‘poor’ guy has a whole building named after his family and Monroe doesn’t even have a ‘poor’ guy. They’re just choosing between rich and slightly less rich. Also, Bacall’s rich guy dumped her and Grable’s rich guy is married. This whole premise is off!

1:00:55: So Bacall’s rich guy found all the original furniture, months later, like it hadn’t been resold. SHENANIGANS, I TELL YOU.

1:02:35: Monroe’s “rich” boyfriend doesn’t even have one eye? He’s pretending to be blind, and she’s pretending to see. Oh, you crazy kids.

1:0something: “I already think you’re quite a strudel.” Man, the ’50s were weird. (there must be a scratch on my DVD, it skips this scene, so I found it on YouTube). I guess Monroe’s ‘poor’ man is the guy evading the IRS.

Also, I’m a little sad now. Previously, the only time I’d ever seen Marilyn Monroe in a moving picture was her singing Happy Birthday to JFK. Now … I’m just saddened by who she had to be. The breathy, ditzy blonde with the killer figure. Poor Norma Jeane.

1:10:51: “I don’t even own a bush.” Oh, Grable, you chose the Jim Breuer lookalike who lives in a shack.

1:13:20: So Grable’s rich dude has friends willing to pay for telegrams to cover up his cheating? Good friends.

1:17:13: God bless Grable for jumping in the photos and basically ending that dude’s marriage.

1:20:20: I oddly also love that Bacall has sold this guy’s stuff, twice, while she still has all her fancy clothes and fur coats.

1:29:15: Mr. Hanley with my life’s motto: “That’s one of the few advantages of age. Disappointments become a normal part of life.” PREACH.

1:35:19: And, of course, we close with the gotdamn orchestra.

I WISH the movie had been more like the last 20 minutes throughout. I really liked the last 20 minutes as it became more fluid and made more sense. I just couldn’t get into it early and I really hated the women. Well, except for Grable … well, Grable except for her fit at the lodge. The last 20 minutes, though, were gold. I liked the pacing of it, and the interplay in the conversations. Just wish it hadn’t taken so long to get there. I also feel like Mr. Hanley was the best dude in this movie. I’m glad he got out of it with only losing some cash instead of part of his life to Bacall.

More importantly … next up is a return to Robert Redford with “Jeremiah Johnson.” I had never heard of this movie until a friend told me I should watch it when I went full-on Redford fangirl after “The Way We Were,” so here we are.

‘Vertigo’

October 20, 2016

Stars: Kim Novak, James Stewart

Rated: PG

Released: 1958

What I “know”: Literally nothing. There will be times on here where I’m like “I have no idea” but like, I knew Wuthering Heights was an old-time movie, it was a romance, etc. This one, LITERALLY nothing. I know that vertigo is like when you have trouble balancing because of liquid in your ears or something. But this movie is 100 percent not in my subconscious at all. In fact, I skipped the first three lines above AND haven’t added a feature photo yet so I could honestly say I know nothing about it.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “One of Alfred Hitchcock’s darkest and most compelling suspense films tells the story of police detective Scottie Ferguson (James Stewart), who has a crippling fear of heights — and an all-consuming obsession with a married woman. When an old friend asks him to call his wife (Kim Novak), Scottie is drawn into a vortex of deceit and murder. But that’s only the beginning as a mesmerizing score draws Scottie to the film’s haunting final shot.”

OK, No. 1, I despise Jimmy Stewart. Admittedly, that’s largely based on how much I hate “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but his stupid weird voice and all the stammering and “gosh golly, guys, I’m so darn lucky!” makes me want to murder his face. No. 2, I honest to god didn’t know this was a Hitchcock movie. I think this will be my first.

First, the trailer:

1:49: This opening makes me think of the Spirograph toy from when I was a kid. Do those things still exist? They were awesome.

4:46: Not even 5 minutes in and Jimmy Stewart has already killed someone. A fellow cop, nonetheless. All because he’s afraid of heights and still decided to go jumping rooftop to rooftop. Good work, genius.

5:02: I sincerely hope that’s a flashback and at some point we’re going to find out what happens, because cutting from him hanging there like a sack of nothing to him in a very cluttered apartment is weird.

6:30: Oh, so he fell too, but he just dinged his back a little bit? Unfair. And THAT’S what made him afraid of heights? Yeesh. Lord, his voice is annoying.

8:13: Wait, they’re sitting here playing happy house couple and they’re not even together? Ah, the original friendzone.

8:23: “Well, we were engaged once, weren’t we?” Way to win the ladies over, you blockhead.

11:17: She’s very strong to catch a very tall fainting man off a stepchair (what was that thing, anyway?). Also, he’s a terrible fake fainter.

12:52: I love that he’s like “I can’t go to that rooftop bar, but there are plenty of street level bars in this town.” A man with his priorities straight.

17:05: The restaurant, Ernie’s, is gaudy as hell. Red tapestry wallpaper, red velvet chairs, red carpet? Gah.

18:03: Kim Novak is very beautiful. Wow.

18:48: So judging by the fact that Jimmy Stewart is sitting in the car, staring at a building, he went from “No, your wife is crazy and I don’t believe in spirits” to “Hmmm yeah I could deal with following this hot chick around town for a while.”

20:05: As a stalke … I mean, I would guess someone who was following someone wouldn’t turn down a one-way alley. There’s no other reason for you to be there and now you can’t get out until she leaves. You circle the block, park on the street and watch. Stalking 101.

21:02: Not going to lie, I’m a little disappointed. With the alley entrance, the creepy hallway, I thought she’d be, like, harvesting organs from orphans. But it’s just a black-market florist? Or just a secret entrance for richies who don’t want to bump into commoners on the street?

25:20: He’s a really terrible hider, for a stalker. Maybe they don’t teach you that in detective school? It’s a small cemetery, obviously not just for people to go wandering around in, and he’s just strolling around, all tall, in a brown suit and not even PRETENDING to not be following her.

26:07: In his defense, however, her perception skills appear to be less than zero.

26:43: Holy shit, Hitchcock did not work in vagaries, did he? “Zoom in on her bouquet, now zoom in on the same bouquet in the painting. Good, good, good. Now, go back to her but zoom in on her hair. Then, back to the painting and show that the woman has the SAME HAIR STYLE. Good, good. Hopefully everyone sees what we’re trying to do here.”

28:56: So he sees her go into this weird-ass McKittrick Hotel and my first thought was, “He should Google that hotel, see if like that’s where Carlotta died or something.” Then I remembered … 1958. Oops?

30:56: OK, 30 minutes into “Hitchcock’s darkest and most compelling suspense” finally something happens. He sees her walk in, the room is registered to Carlotta, she’s in the room, but the lady at the front desk says she’s not AND the key’s still there. Also, is that how hotels worked then? You left your key and got it when you came back? Weird.

32:43: Midge is the hero of this movie. Successful, kick-ass apartment, and not afraid to put Jimmy Stewart in his place. Midge wins!

35:28: The book store owner’s cigarette just went from freshly lit to almost nothing in 20 seconds. Continuity, people!

37:21: Why does she keep calling him Johnny in this part? His name is Scottie. Like Johnny Law? But he’s not a cop any more. Now I wonder if it was just a mistake, or if it means something later.

38:41: It seems too obvious, but she’s just Carlotta’s descendant, right? How else would she have inherited her jewelry? I feel like that’s too obvious. Never having seen a Hitchcock movie, I’m just going to assume, earlier obviousness aside, that he wouldn’t be that see-through 1/4 of the way through the movie.

39:09: Oh, great-grandmother. I couldn’t remember how long ago she died. Glad that they covered that and it’s not that. Still wondering where this all goes? Why can’t she just be a sad great-granddaughter who wishes her great-grandmother hadn’t been shunned by her baby daddy?

42:25: He is a REALLY terrible stalker. He follows her to where there’s no one else, and no reason for there to be anyone else, then parks his car in plain sight like 100 feet behind hers. How she doesn’t hear his car door close I’m just blaming on the water. But man, he should have been made like 10 times already.

43:00: I will say that I like Stewart in this movie. With my only previous experience being that godawful “Wonderful Life,” I’m glad to see he’s not that guy.

43:10: Saving a suicidal woman or copping a feel? You be the judge.

43:31: Let’s also talk about how someone jumping five feet down into the water wouldn’t be unconscious. She wasn’t even underwater, just floating on top.

44:14: “This lady is suicidal and went unconscious in the water. I’ll just take her home and build a fire, that’ll fix everything!” Did they not have hospitals, you jerk?

44:53: She’s topless in a strange man’s bed? Her dress is in the kitchen, and she’s in her bedroom. I sincerely hope she undressed herself, put a robe on and went to bed, but she still had to do so with the door open. Creepy Stewart!

45:13: Not a single “Who the hell are you, why are you in my house, and why am I in bed with no shirt on with you here?” Not a ONE?

46:56: She still hasn’t asked who he is, why he’s trying to make her drink things, and just totally trusts him that she “fell into the bay” and he saved her? Man, the ’50s were a glorious time.

49:53: So his name IS John Ferguson? Is “Scottie” a nickname for John all of a sudden?

52:52: No. 1, that dame got dressed quickly. No. 2, did Midge just get creepy? “Well, Johnny O, was it a ghost? Was it fun?” What??

54:52: When she pulls in, there’s no car next to her. Then it cuts back and there’s a blue car. Every time I watch a movie, I become more convinced that I should be a continuity person. Things like that just bug the hell out of me. Can someone tell me how that happens? I want that job! I’d be awesome at it.

58:29: So the weird guy who “saved” her just invites himself along, she puts him in her car and heads into the woods with him? On foot? With no real idea of who he is? Insanity.

1:00:14: She just said “here is where I died.” He calls her Madeline as she walks away. Try Carlotta, you weirdo!

1:03:20: Seriously, the scarf continuity is KILLING ME. In some of the takes, it’s clearly pinned in place, then sometimes, it’s completely off her neck.

1:05:06: Hey, Scottie, maybe don’t make out with the schizo chick who’s married to your college friend. Just a little piece of 20/20 hindsight for you.

1:07:35: Nope, Midge is batshit too. Painting a portrait of herself to look like Carlotta? What is HAPPENING with chicks back then? And her meltdown after he leaves … *insert cuckoo sounds here*

1:14:33: It never ceases to amaze me with older movies … two kisses and like three conversations and they’re all “I love you Madeline” and “I love you too.” Cool your jets!

1:15:53: Dearest Johnscottie, don’t let the crazy one who has already tried to kill herself twice go into the church, alone, just because she kissed you and gave you doe eyes. Yeesh.

1:17:03: He wasn’t even running that fast. They should have given her a bigger head start to make it realistic. Or maybe, subconsciously, he didn’t want to catch her.

1:17:03: Also, I want to hear his phone call to his friend. “Yeah, uh, I was with her. How’d she get down to that mission 100 miles south of San Francisco? Well, that’s kind of a crazy story … um, we made out after she tried to kill herself again and then we were in love and I thought I could cure her and … well I guess that’s about it. Sorry about your loss?”

1:18:45: A room full of blue suits appears to be something legal-y? Not sure yet. But bless the guy at the table who almost immediately was like, “Rather than take her to an institution where we could have figured out what was wrong, this guy decided to just have his old college friend keep an eye on her.”

1:20:11: This guy! This guy at the table! “It’s a pity, knowing her suicidal tendencies, that he did not make a great effort the second time.” I love this guy. He does not, however, love Johnscottie. He’s totally leading the jury, all like “Yeah, also don’t judge him for all of his terrible decisions after she plunged to her death” then starts listing them all. This guy for president. Well, he’s probably dead. But he might still be a better option.

1:22:30: “Sorry, Scottie, that was rough,” says the man whose wife was in love with his friend and who ran away with him to kill herself. Forgiving ol’ chap, that friend.

1:24:38: This dream sequence is trippy as hell. I don’t know what Hitchcock was on, but I’ll take two.

1:25:49: If he’s in a mental hospital, that’s the nicest one I’ve ever seen. I mean, in entertainment. I’ve never SEEN a mental hospital. Oh, never mind.

1:29:35: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING. Is this like in the future, with no symbols of time passing? Is this a flashback? He went from mute in a mental hospital and “Mozart isn’t going to help at all” to standing outside Madeleine’s (that’s what her gravestone said, but I’m not going back to change my previous references) place and staring at her car. Either it’s a flashback or that place just let a dead woman’s car sit in their lot for more than a year.

1:30:05: Oh, some lady bought the car and lives there. Never mind. Also, old ladies do love to stick their noses in other people’s business. Man, oh man, lady … time and a place.

1:31:00: Well, Ernie’s hasn’t gotten any less gaudy in the time he was cuckoo.

1:32:16: Scottie just went from “grieving lover” to “creepy stalker” really quickly when he saw the green dress lady. Stop following women around town, Scottie! It doesn’t end well!

1:35:57: Never mind, she’s as crazy as he is. Hey, lady, helpful tip? Don’t pull out your driver’s license and give the weird guy your address in Kansas. Lordy, these two.

1:37:54: AND YOU DON’T GO ON A DATE WITH HIM. I don’t want to victim-blame here, but come on. Smart decisions.

1:38:58: Wait a cotton pickin’ minute. So dual Kim Novak is actually Kim Novak? Her husband didn’t need insurance money, right? What is happening here? You can’t just pull something like that with NO hints, Hitchcock.

1:41:43: “I’m going to write a full confession, tear it into four pieces, then just toss it in the trash even though you’re a detective, albeit a pretty terrible one from all examples, but this should do it!”

1:43:58: IT IS NOT SEXY to tell a woman you’ve had one date with not to go to work and to “let me take care of you.” That’s just weird. Old time love stories are weird in their pace.

1:47:14: He is legitimately treating her like a doll of his dead girlfriend. OK, now I get why this movie is so creepy. Gross, Scottie. At least TRY to pretend like you’re doing it for her. Also, where do you go to buy clothes that OTHER PEOPLE try it on for you and model it?

1:50:50: “I’ll wear the clothes if you want me to, if you’ll just like me” made me cringe. But him then deciding “Nope, that’s not good enough, you also have to go blonde to truly be my Stepford girlfriend” is horrifying. “It can’t matter to you?” SERIOUSLY? “It can’t possibly bother you to change every single thing that makes you you so that I can deal with my emotional baggage.” What a dick.

1:51:00: “If I do what you tell me, will you love me?” “Yes.” GROSS. I hope he falls off a roof and that’s the haunting last image.

1:56:10: “OK, great, now that you look like the ghost of a woman I spent less time with than I have you, I will finally kiss you.” I want to punch him in the face so hard.

1:58:10: OH NO SHE’S WEARING THE NECKLACE. She was careful enough to hide her gray suit, but not the stupid necklace from the painting?

Well that final bit, with the nun, was a bit of a copout. But I sincerely hope he had to go back on trial in front of the same guy and explain why a SECOND woman, who looked exactly like the first, died in the same place with him there. I’d pay for that sequel. As for my first Hitchcock movie, well … meh? It’s hard to judge old movies on their own basis because I didn’t see other movies of that time period as much, so it’s hard to do apples to apples. Parts of it were SO blatant and over the top, but then the big twist wasn’t even really given any kind of foreshadowing? I liked the end of it (as you can tell by the increase in my use of caps lock) but it took a long time to get there, and I feel like Midge was just wasted. RESPECT FOR MIDGE.

Next up: How to Marry a Millionaire!

‘Wuthering Heights’

October 8, 2016

Stars: Laurence Olivier, Merle Oberon

Rated: NR

Released: 1939

What I “know”: If you want a full-on dismissal of the American education system, I have never read this book. I’ve never read any book by any Brontë sister. I’ve never seen any of the associated movies, either. So I’m 100 percent blind going into this. I’ve heard this referenced, but I couldn’t tell you thing one about it. Sorry?

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In director William Wyler’s beautiful adaptation of Emily Brontë’s classic story of passion, hatred and revenge, Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon star as Heathcliff and Cathy, whose tortured love affair ends when Cathy marries the wealthy Edgar.” First off, that’s a REALLY spoiler-filled sleeve, Netflix. Chill out. However, I’m intrigued by “passion, hatred and revenge,” or as I like to call it, the Holy Trinity of All My Relationships.

My real concern, of course, is the language. I assume this is all in like olde English or something. Hoping I’m wrong or it will be like watching an opera and I’ll have to base it on tone and contextual clues.

First, the trailer, because I love old trailers:

1:19: Oh, the house is called Wuthering Heights. That was a major question, tackled early. Well done!

2:05: Either this dude lives here, or people back then didn’t knock on doors. Also, awesome dog! That’s pretty much me every time I come home, minus about 100 pounds worth of dog.

3:15: Whoa, dude. Your dog is barking a guy he doesn’t know, who is in your house talking to your family and friends. Don’t kick your freaking dog for doing his freaking job. You monster. I don’t know who the ol’ grump is, standing in front of the fire, but he can suck it.

3:40: Mrs. Heathcliff? Oh, this is them? I don’t know what Olivier looks like aside from the photo I put at the start of this post, but I didn’t know he had a buttchin.

4:43: Candles sure do give off a lot of ambient light in movies. People walk into a room with a regular ol’ candlestick and suddenly you can see everything but the corners. Meanwhile, I light a giant pillar candle with like five wicks and couldn’t find my remote right next to it if I tried.

5:10: He took the candle from the 147-year-old servant, who is now going to break his hip falling down the stairs in the dark. You’re a real winner, new tenant!

7:15: Why is the owner of the house sleeping on a couch? Old timey people were weird.

7:42: Oh, so that’s him, but that’s not them. That’s his “I can’t have Cathy so I’ll marry this ol’ frumpy instead” wife. Got it. Also, I love that new tenant pulled and pulled on the window with no luck, and Heathcliff opens it without a struggle. It must only be able to be unlocked by tortured memories of a past love.

8:17: So, my favorite movie of all time EVER all time is “Gone With the Wind,” also released in 1939. Getting some serious flashbacks just from the styling and the music and the camera work.

9:42: New tenant: “Sure, I just heard a woman’s voice and saw her shape and felt something touch me and heard her say her name was Cathy, but I don’t believe in ghosts so nope.” Matt Drudge: “Sure, 1 million people are without power because of Hurricane Matthew, but I don’t believe in hurricanes so nope.” A willingness to change one’s opinions in the face of your actual experiences is just weird, y’all.

10:11: Uh, Heathcliff needs a new 132-year-old servant lady if this one’s just going to start gossiping about his love life to a guy she’s spoken 20 words to.

12:07: Cathy’s dad just referred to his newly-acquired street urchin as an “it.” WTF?

12:55: “Oh, no, don’t make me ashamed of you, Cathy.” That actually is awesome, even if he’s a dick to the poor as well. Snobby little girl calling the homeless kid “dirty.”

13:10: WAIT SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER ADOPTED HOMELESS STEPBROTHER? They left “familial relations” out of the keywords on the sleeve.

16:03: “Oh, Heathcliff, you’re so handsome when you smile.” Cathy has no chill.

18:35: Older brother can also chill out a little. Your dad’s dead, so you don’t have to compete with Heathcliff for his love any more. Don’t be such a jerk all the time, you spoiled rotten little jackass.

“Yeah, you can be mean to me now, but I’m going to pay you back by destroying your sister’s heart and making mad, passionate love to her. VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE.”

20:06: Oh good, the older brother grows up to be an asshole and a drunkard. Winning!

21:55: “You’ll hoping I fall on the road and break my neck, aren’t you? Aren’t you?” Uh, we all are.

26:00: They’re trespassing and spying and Heathcliff is realizing that his dear Cathy wants all the trappings of wealth, and him … not so much. But the heart wants what it wants!

26:30: A dog that size grabs her bare ankle and she’s just going to be able to keep holding on to the wall? Doubtful. Come on, 1939 moviemakers … realism!

28:00: “Run away, bring me back the world.” Oh, Cathy, you dreamer you.

29:29: So she hooks up with the rich guy with the house and the dancing, comes home to flaunt it to her family after “some happy weeks” and it never occurred to her that maybe Heathcliff hadn’t run away to bring her back the world? Yikes, Cathy, buy a clue.

29:33: “Great talk of lying in a lake of fire without you and how he had to see you to live.” Trade THAT in for the money, you selfish wench.

30:31: GOD she is a bitch. Don’t treat him how your brother treated him just because you got all fancied up in a BORROWED dress. Yeesh.

30:59: She’s like the more common-looking Scarlett O’Hara, willing to trade in everything for whoever can give her the most money and things. Boooooo.

31:31: Phew. She’s standing up for him now, but it’s behind his back. She was still horrible to him to his face.

38:48: I feel Cathy may be bipolar. Just putting that out there. She doesn’t do coquettish as well as Scarlett, though.

39:15: “You’ll never love him, but you’ll let yourself be loved because it pleases your stupid, greedy vanity.” You go, Heathcliff.

41:12: So filled with self-loathing over a psycho woman that he punches out two windows and now his bed will be soaked with rain. You gotta think these things through, man. Love is such a horrible thing.

And here’s Cathy being the coldest bitch in history:

45:31: So Crazy Cathy just said “I am Heathcliff” to the ancient servant lady and then lightning flashes behind her. I feel like Cathy isn’t even playing with a half deck at this point, let alone a full deck.

47:34: She goes running out to their “castle” in a driving rainstorm in that heavy-ass dress, getting it soaked and muddy. He was already long gone, she should have taken the 10 minutes to put on something else. Why have two losses in one day?

50:04: So her rich husband-to-be finds her on a cliffside, they give her something to drink, she says “Heathcliff” and then the doctor tells her in a month she’ll be feeling better. A month? For spending four hours in the rain? Damn, medicine, step up YOUR game.

53:01: Rich people just have peacocks running around their properties??

54:01: Dearest Crazy Cathy, a “feeling of doom” as you leave the church with your new husband is probably not the best sign in the world for your ongoing happiness.

58:16: Man, Edgar is thick. If her ex-lover/brother shows up wanting to see her and she doesn’t WANT to see him, there’s probably a reason. Don’t be all “Don’t worry about ME, love, I’ll be fine!” Especially if he’s gone out and made something of himself because that’s the only thing you had up on him in her eyes. Be happy she cares enough to try to save your stupid loveless marriage.

1:01:29: “It occurs to me that I have not congratulated you on your marriage. I’ve often thought of it.” *Cathy shifts her eyes down* Oh, Heathcliff, you sly dog.

1:02:30: Every time I watch one of these movies, I know how horribly uncomfortable the dresses must have been, and how hard they were to get in and out of, and how it probably took an hour to put them on and take them off. But I’ll be damned if I don’t want to flounce out of a room in one, just once. Or forever. Like how I feel about late ’50s, early ’60s fashion.

1:08:28: So Heathcliff’s going to hook up with his sister’s sister-in-law? People back then needed to get out of the house and meet more people.

1:09:45: Wait, Laurence Olivier married Scarlett O’Hara? Like in real life? And he was married to his first wife and she was married too when they started their affair? What is happening? I mean, it makes sense, they were big stars and both English, but I had no idea. I also learned from that link that he hated Oberon. Good acting, then, I guess?

1:23:31: Welp, Edgar finally figured it out. You could see his face go from, “Good, my wife agrees my sister shouldn’t marry my brother,” to “I wonder why she’s so fired up about this, she’s not protecting a poor, frail woman,” to “Holy shit, she’s in love with him.” Poor cuckolded Edgar.

1:24:13: HAHAHAAHAHAH the doctor just told Drunk Brother he should hit himself over the head with a hammer so he can achieve the same level of unconsciousness as he does from the drinking without all the wear and tear on the kidneys.

1:25:41: “If Cathy died, I might begin to live.” Man, I’m glad I’m not the only one who hates Cathy … but I hate to break it to Isabella that that’s not going to change Heathcliff’s feelings or behaviors. Sorry, lady, he’s smitten with the crazy.

1:36:04: “You wandered off like a wanton, greedy child, to break your heart and mine.” That’s it. That’s the movie.

1:38:33: Did they direct her for this final scene as “open your eyes as wide as they’ll go, talk like a crazy person and look more and more insane with every single word you speak?” Because if so, man, she nailed it.

Well that was a weird ending. He went out to their castle, met up with her ghost, then died? Random.

I appreciate this movie for the epic it is, but it also pissed me off. Two people (well, mostly one, but also the other later on) throwing love away with both hands. As someone who, at 40, spends her Friday night watching a 77-year-old movie because she couldn’t get a date if she tried, that just pisses me off. Like, honest to god pisses me off. If you are lucky enough to love someone who loves you, you love them with all you have, forever. I get that society and the time meant women were to marry men who could take care of them, blah blah blah. But it killed her, it drove him mad, and it made me hate both of them by the end of the movie. You fight for love, goddammit, because some of us would if we could.

Next up: Vertigo!

‘Roman Holiday

October 2, 2016

Stars: Audrey Hepburn, Gregory Peck

Rated: NR

Released: 1953

What I “know”: Audrey Hepburn takes a holiday. In Rome? With Gregory Peck? Because ageism is a thing that happens in movies and so nubile young women get to fall in love with old men? And I say that as someone who LOVES “Gone With the Wind” more than life. Meh, I just googled both and he was 37 to her 24 when this was released, so maybe it’s not AS gross as like a 50-year-old, but she still looked 17 and it’s still a little skeevetastic.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Princess Ann leaves her guardians, and while in Rome, she’s taken under the wing of tabloid writer Joe and his photographer sidekick. She thinks the boys don’t know who she really is, but they’re onto (sic) her — and sense a sensational story.” You know, I put the (sic) in there for the typo of onto vs. on to, but from the images I saw while picking one to top this, I feel like “onto” might be right after all. Gross. Sorry. I will say, skeevometer aside, I am very excited about this movie. I love old-timey romantic comedies, and I need something light and fun after my last few movies for this blog. Heeeere we go. #slickrick

00:13: “Presenting Gregory Peck?” This wasn’t his first movie. Why is he being presented? Isn’t that like “introducing?” Feels weird. Edit: Thank you, Wikipedia. “Peck’s contract gave him solo star billing, with newcomer Hepburn listed much less prominently in the credits. Halfway through the filming, Peck suggested to Wyler that he elevate her to equal billing—an almost unheard-of gesture in Hollywood.”

2:03: Her wave is everything. Like not the stiff, beauty queen wave, but like an “I couldn’t care less so I’m just kind of bobbling my wrist at you peasants” wave. Bless you, Princess Ann.

I went to go look for a clip of just her wave (YouTube has some weird stuff, don’t judge me) and THIS WAS THE TRAILER. I mean, it’s obviously done after the movie was released since it mentions her Academy Award win, but lord, this is amazing. They just call him Greg!

2:35: There’s a band running through the streets while playing. Step up your game, HS marching bands.

3:30: God, she was a stunningly beautiful woman.

5:11: No wonder she ran. I’m exhausted just watching her greet like eight of these people.

6:11: I mean, her shoe has a nice thick heel, but it’s still a heel. Bless her for kicking it off. And screw the judgmental hoity-toities who are sitting around her, judging her when it’s out there for show. Take yours off too! Do as the royals do! I’m torn on the guy who helped her though … sure, he helped her get her shoe on. But then he made her dance in the Shoes of Death!

10:00: Getting a little Scarlett O’Hara in her tantrum. Loving it. The launch into it was … not the best acting I’ve ever seen? But I love a thrashing rich girl complaining about being given things. And I did laugh at her “Thank you” “No thank you” string.

16:48: Doped-up princess just cut through someone’s horse-drawn carriage! That takes longer than just going around. Calm yourself, crazy girl.

17:00: That is the smallest poker table I’ve ever seen.

22:39: Her wave was everything. Now the taxi driver is everything. “Three bambinos. You know bambinos? Hmm hmm *waaaaaaaah*” I love him. I hope he shows up again.

28:32: I feel like this isn’t the first time ol’ Joe has had to babysit someone who was without their full faculties. His reflexes are strong. AND I laughed out loud at least three times. I like!

30:13: When he flipped her out of the bed and on to the couch, I half-expected her to not be wearing the bottoms since she had asked earlier about sleeping in pajamas, but only the tops. Sadly, she’s fully dressed. She also has all his blankets now. This was not well thought out by Joe.

33:27: Joe bullshitting to his boss is all of us, at one point or another.

39:01: “I plan to enter her sick room disguised as a thermometer.” Oh, Joe. You rascal, you.

39:30: Gregory Peck looks like if someone spliced the DNA of Drew Scott (“Property Brothers”) with Topher Grace. It’s really weird.

46:52: HAHAAHA she felt for the bottoms of the pajamas once she came to. Perfect.

49:16: I don’t know if this is a royal thing or a 50’s thing, but lady, you’re in pajamas from head to foot. You don’t need to walk backward into the bathroom so he can’t see your pajama-clad booty.

52:30: How long was Joe on the phone that his cleaning lady berated his houseguest AND cleaned the whole joint before he got back? Bad time management, Joe.

55:15: I like that Joe has a little stalker in him.

59:47: I like a little less that he’s creepy with kids and tries to steal stuff from them.

1:06:25: “It was the 40th anniversary of the m…of the day he got his job.” This is the face of someone who thinks they’re more clever than they are:

1:09:38: Irving is an idiot. You can’t say “I can take a hint” and then steadfastly refuse to take the hint. Idiot. Then again, the princess isn’t real bright either, but I do cut her some slack for being sheltered and not speaking American English slang.

1:10:47: “We can’t go running around town with the hot princess!” OK, on that point Irving is markedly smarter than Joe.

1:13:30: Where’d they get a scooter? Where’s Irving? He just blew off his girlfriend and ran after them and they just ditched him? Poor Irving. Always gets cut out of the fun scenes.

1:13:49: Well, they found Irving. He must have taken a taxi. Hope he got the same driver!

1:14:35: Nope, never mind, he’s in the weirdest car ever. It’s like it’s a rolltop desk, in mini-car form. Europe is weird. And he is a very unsafe driver, standing up and turning around to take a picture … My AAA mobile app would not give him very good scores for that part.

1:15:44: Women drivers, amirite?

1:17:05: Why was the whole scene with the cops silent? I’d love to know why being a reporter gets you excused from crimes. Seriously, I’d love to know. Please?

1:17:30: Did she just totally gloss over the fact he’s a reporter? Seriously? Silly girl.

1:19:45: Face on the wall: “I’ve just been violated by a 37-year-old man and his teenage crush. FML.”

1:20:03: OK, so in the rolltop car, Ol’ Joe is standing up in the back, reaches over the top to open the door from the outside while still being inside the car, then folds himself into fifths to squeeze out the door instead of just, I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here, but STEPPING OUT OF THE BACK OF THE DAMN CAR.

1:29:30: This fight scene on the boat and dock between the undercovers and our raggedy protagonists is AMAZING.

1:30:10: Fine, Irving won me over with the “Hit ’em again, Smitty!” part.

1:30:41: I also laughed at the police pulling the one guy out by the guitar over his head. I love these kinds of movies!

1:32:03: Hey Joe, rather than plant your giant face on hers, maybe a good first step would have been to cover your bases with a “What was that all about?” or a “Why were those guys trying to kidnap you?” Yeesh.

1:33:03: Joe sees her in a paisley, silky robe: “Suits you. You should always wear my clothes.” “Seems I do.” Lord, why does he have a robe like that?

1:34:56: So he just casually drops he’ll move to a place with a kitchen so she can cook for him … Does he really see this ending with them living a dream life? She’s a royal on the lam. You can’t just live the next 40 years like she’s not.

1:38:57: Forget everything I just wrote. Joe, you hightail it out of there with her still in the car. DO IT FOR 24-HOUR LOVE.

1:44:14: Nope, Irving’s a buffoon. HOW IS HE NOT GETTING THIS. “Hmm my friend had chemistry with the princess, she’s not here any more, he doesn’t want to write the story … what could be the reason?”

1:51:28: This is way better than the press conference in “Notting Hill,” which was just a nightmare.

vs.

1:56:13: That last moment, with the tears welling up in her eyes … gah.

Well THAT was a melancholy ending. I know it couldn’t happen, but I still wanted her to run after him. This is my second-favorite movie of the ones I’ve done for this blog, and that’s only because I’m 99 percent sure nothing will touch “All the President’s Men.” But what a delightful little romp this was. I love silly miscommunications and sight gags and misdirections. When I finally finish the like 170 movies on my queue in 2048, I will go back and watch all the other 1950s movies just because. This was a great call, and much love to whatever friend put this on my list. I owe you.

Next up: Wuthering Heights!

‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’

September 26, 2016

Stars: Richard Dreyfuss, Teri Garr, Francois Truffaut

Rated: PG

Released: 1977

What I “know”: It’s about aliens? Or at least a spaceship. No clue. I don’t know what the third kind means, or how many kinds there are. I have so many questions. But I like Richard Dreyfuss, so we’ll see how many he can answer.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Richard Dreyfuss still shines as Roy Neary, a cable worker who investigates a power outage and encounters a mysterious light from above. Teri Garr and beloved French auteur Francois Truffaut co-star.” Well, I actually didn’t learn anything from this sleeve, which is actually a good thing. No spoilers yet! P.S. I have no idea who Francois Truffaut is, but I’ve now typed his name three times, so let’s hope he’s worth the effort.

1:35: Well that’s some very menacing music to start out. Did this thing win an Oscar for sound or anything? Answer: Google tells me it won for “sound effects editing” which is not the same thing, but still good for Frank E. Warner, apparently.

2:45: OK, so guys climb out of a jeep in “modern day” Mexico and after seeing the guy at the gate, I gotta tell you, the dental care in Mexico in 1977 was not fantastic.

4:01: I have no idea what is happening in this movie. They’re in Mexico, talking to a French guy, in a sandstorm, and then someone runs up and says “THEY’RE ALL THERE. ALL OF THEM.” and they all take off. I spend most of my life confused, so it’s not an unusual feeling, but a movie generally take a little longer to just … be weird?

4:40: Oh, planes. I guess to go up and look for the aliens? I don’t know. But if they’re doing safety checks on these things, they’re not being very thorough. Quick once-over, then they all just start climbing up on them. Godspeed, gentlemen.

5:24: So all of these planes have been missing for 30 years (Jesus Christ, when this movie was made, they were closer to 1945 than we are to 1977. That’s just jarring, as someone who was born in 1976) and they just showed up, together, in some Mexican junkyard? WHAT IS HAPPENING? This isn’t Richard Dreyfuss finding a power outage. I now wish the sleeve had been a LITTLE more spoiler-y.

5:40: The mapmaking translator just said “I don’t understand!” and I just said, out loud, alone save my pets, “I feel you, bro.”

9:38: I do not have the disposition, attention span, focus or dedication required to work in air traffic control. That is finalized after seeing that scene where all four of them were talking in like a one-square-foot area in three different conversations. Nope.

11:43: Those cymbal-clanging monkey toys always freaked me out. Now I know why. And man, I can’t imagine just letting a kid sleep with his window wide open like that. Sign of the times, I guess.

11:50: RUN AWAY NOW, KID. DON’T JUST SIT THERE AND WATCH YOUR TOYS COME TO LIFE.

13:00: OK, this scene is way less cute than when E.T. was in the fridge.

14:35: On what planet is a mom woken up by toys, finds her kid out of his bedroom, then calmly walks over to her window instead of screaming and looking through the house, then sees him outside for no reason and is just like “Barry?” Then watches him run away.Terrible mother.

15:47: Here’s how flighty I am: The guy tells Dreyfuss to get to the Gilmore substation and I instantly think, “God I could be watching Gilmore Girls for the third time right now.” My friend is actually watching it for the first time and texting me throughout and I want nothing more than to go watch Luke and Lorelai date and kiss and the horoscope and dance and fight and make up and oh yeah, there’s a movie. Sorry.

But wait, first this (pardon the subtitles):

(That’s two Gilmore embeds in six movie reviews. I might have an issue. Then again, they did a LOT of pop culture references so there may be more. No promises.)

18:05: Oh, NOW the mom is yelling his name. Good work, mom. By the time you have to put on shoes and grab a flashlight and wander through the woods, you’ve already failed.

19:11: Dreyfuss yelling out “TURKEY!” then driving off while still holding his map up in front of his face with two hands is amazing. Pretty sure that counts as distracted driving.

20:01: Uh, I think he’d notice if those super bright lights were behind him and then disappeared and never passed him. Levitating cars still aren’t a thing, because “Back to the Future” is a bunch of lies.

20:20: OK, so first it was like electronic things that were affected and now it’s just anything metal? Those mailboxes aren’t supposed to do that.

21:06: I think Dreyfuss’s “aw, shit” is the most understated reaction possible in that situation. You’re levitating, your trucks getting sucked up, everything around you is going to hell and he’s all “Well, poop.”

22:22: Look, I know shock is a thing. I was in shock once. Looking back, my reactions to a situation were WAY improper and out of character. But I can’t ever imagine a situation where I look up in the sky and see a VERY stereotypical UFO and just kind of … watch it.

22:43: BUT HE SCREAMS AT A FLASHLIGHT? Get a grip, Dreyfuss. Methinks you’ve got a few bigger things to worry about.

24:33: OK, there’s a weird dude in a flannel shirt whistling and a truck full of orphans when little Barry comes jogging up a deserted road? This feels like the bear scene in “The Shining.” My first real, actual, “What the eff is that doing there?” moment.

25:31: Um, spaceships do drive-bys?

25:55: “This is nuts.” I’m telling you, Dreyfuss is the king of understatement. How is EVERYONE not just pooping their pants right now?

26:51: God bless the toll man, trying to get his quarters from the cops after getting buzzed by some flying things.

27:04: I just laughed my ass off at the cop straight up driving off the side of the road chasing the flying things that aren’t bound by things like roads and fences and gravity. RIP, stupid cop.

28:47: And my second laugh-out-loud moment … the little girl sleeping ass up in bed.

29:34: “Hey, I just saw aliens. I’m going to drive my whole family right to them!” — no one but Dreyfuss ever.

31:08: DAMMIT NEWSPAPER. “UFO’s” is not the plural of UFO. Come on, now. And then Teri Garr cuts it out and crumples it up so that, what? Dreyfuss will forget it happened? Yeesh.

34:45: Apparently “being bathed in alien light” is not an excusable work absence. I’ll file that away.

37:56: If there are ever reports of alien ships being visible, I will NOT be one of the ones outside waiting to see them. Trust.

39:50: Wait, now we’re in India? This is like a less cohesive “Pulp Fiction.”

45:00: Oh, globes. Does anyone have a globe any more? I always liked globes like in elementary school; spin it real fast, put your finger down and that’s where you’d live someday. Mine never worked out well, though. Maybe it’s good they’re gone.

46:56: So, aliens like mountainscapes and simple melodies. Got it.

47:27: A.) Barry is a creepy-looking little kid. I said it. Most kids are creepy looking, but he’s raising the bar. B.) When his mom goes outside to throw out all the mountainscapes she’s been drawing (and I’m sure doesn’t know WHY that’s what she’s drawing, he manages to basically lick the entirety of the bottom of his face while staring at her out the window. Then she hears giggling, turns back around, and he’s gnawing on his fingers like me with Papa John’s breadsticks. Weird, weird kid.

50:49: I said, out loud, ‘Oh HELL no’ at the sight of the screw loosening on the floor grate.

51:24: I swear, my inability to understand children under 4 or 5 years old never seemed like that much of an issue. I always had their mothers around where I could just “oh really?” and then look at them and they’ll say “She likes unicorns” or something, then I could follow up. But I have no idea what this little freak is yammering on about.

51:32: I’d like a self-propelled vacuum, please. And yes, I know about Roombas, but I don’t want to spend $400 on one. Just one of these 1970s uprights that will zoom around and clean for me.

52:22: She literally just let her kid crawl out the doggy door because she’s too freaked out. Called it pretty early: Terrible mom.

52:40: OMG, the weird box thing that opened up and spurted water was a dishwasher? How did you people live back then?

55:16: “Excuse me, sir, but I didn’t want to see this.” Your behavior after that somewhat betrays that thought, Dreyfuss.

56:30: What I’m taking from this, as with most things involving governmental agencies, is not to trust what the government tells you. Sometimes it’s too protect vital information, sometimes it’s to cover their own asses and sometimes it’s for public safety. But … it’s almost never the whole truth.

57:25: Loving the matching red sateen onesies on this band of marauders who just bussed in and out.

58:58: Apparently, don’t trust Piggly Wiggly or Baskin-Robbins either!

1:03:28: Methinks Dreyfuss needs to talk to someone and not use his kids as his therapist to work this out. Just putting that out there.

1:06:54: Holy shit, Dreyfuss. Stop throwing plants and dirt into your kitchen. You know, I never really wanted to encounter aliens before (aside from The Doctor, but that’s a different story all together) but now I really don’t. I feel like my crazy level is way too high to be let out.

1:09:00: This whole meltdown scene is crazy uncomfortable, but his “I’m perfectly fine” is truly frightening.

1:09:38: If I know nothing from my time at ESPN, those birds would be attacking the hell out of everyone in a 50-foot radius. Sure, those were Canadian geese, but those things were a hazard.

1:12:00: Holy shit, Dreyfuss! Look, I assume that seeing a UFO and being bathed in its light and all that could affect someone, I get that. But this dude needs to be institutionalized, like freaking yesterday.

1:12:55: I wanted to revisit my snark from his earlier “I didn’t want to see this.” I was referencing him then going out looking for the ships. But now I get it.

1:14:23: LOOK TO YOUR LEFT, DREYFUSS, LOOK AT THE TV. Cripes. The Devil’s Tower stuff is RIGHT THERE. Now get on the road!

1:15:25: There we go. I hope him and Terrible Mom get there and realize they’re soulmates and poor Teri Garr gets to end her suffering and go marry Michael Keaton.

1:17:20: CARL WEATHERS. Apollo Creed is on the case!

1:19:07: SOULMATES.

1:31:11: I think French guy said “It’s an event psychological.” Between the kid and the French guy, this is tough. Not “A Clockwork Orange” tough to understand, but you know.

1:32:00: They just ran through a military base, passed like 50 people, and they get through without even a tackle attempt? Shenanigans.

1:37:27: “They’re just cropdusting!” Oh, Murray, you were unimportant anyway. Enjoy your slumber and your splitting headache.

1:42:05: Apparently all they needed was a runway? That’s how you lure the aliens in?

1:42:45: They look like floating muppet heads!!

1:45:00: They’re all high-fiving for playing music and making one do flips? Premature, fellas. Premature.

1:48:12: OK, huge dork alert, but all the ships coming in reminded me of the Stonehenge/Pandorica scene of Doctor Who. Also a good excuse to post some Matt Smith, so here.

1:49:45: I know I said the whole “soulmates” thing earlier and all that, but screw Dreyfuss for kissing another woman. Respect your vows, sir!

1:53:16: Re: the guy running to hide in the Port-a-Potty … is that really where you want your last minutes to be? Also, why are there Port-a-Pottys? They built that whole thing on top of a landmark and they didn’t install running water or waste elimination? Poor planning, engineers.

1:56:43: So this “communication” is the engineer version of dueling banjos, right? This leads to the probing?

1:57:05: I lied. This is more like Simon. Man, I was good at Simon, until it got to about 9 or 10. Then I was complete crap.

1:57:37: They literally have no idea what they’re saying. What if what they’re saying is like “Eff you, aliens?” I have many concerns about mimicking alien beings in tonal ways without any understanding of if you’re ramping up the tension.

1:58:04: Well, now the spaceship is just doing the Jaws theme. You should recognize that, Dreyfuss.

2:01:13: Being captured in a spaceship for decades really does wonders for the aging process. I’d consider it.

2:01:34: THEY TOOK A DOG? THOSE MONSTERS. And dammit, the weird kid is back.

2:03:55: Finally Terrible Mom did something right. The ship opens a second time and she heads away from it. Good for you, lady!

2:04:36: Wait, the alien is a stick insect? I wish they hadn’t shown them at all … scarier not knowing what’s inside.

2:04:56: Nope, not a stick insect. Jack Skellington.

2:08:35: OK, I am not even kidding, it took me until RIGHT NOW to realize that Terrible Mom is “A Christmas Story” mom! It’s the part where she’s like wiping her tears and looking mournfully. Jeebus, I feel stupid.

2:10:29: So they haven’t even debriefed the other dudes … they could all be clones, or tragically affected … and they’re just like “Let’s let this schmoe go up with them with no training and no preparation.” Yeesh.

Godspeed, Dreyfuss. I will point out they kept the other dudes for decades but had Weird Kid for like two weeks and were all “We gotta take this one back.” I was told that the special effects would be jarring, watching a 1970s movie after the visual spectacles we have taken for granted now, and they really weren’t .. until the end. The actual spaceship scenes were actually pretty amazingly done, IMO. As for the movie itself … I never really got into it. This was probably my least favorite of the ones I’ve seen, but I thought both Dreyfuss and Truffaut were great. Teri Garr was criminally underused. The ending just felt rushed to me, and there were some questions I had like “So if they were cropdusting with the sleepy powder, why wouldn’t everyone on that platform get some effect of it? Wind exists, you know.” But minor quibbles, really. I can see why this movie was a thing, but it just didn’t connect with me on any sort of level, which is why I finished this 9 days after starting to watch it. I watched it in four segments because I just couldn’t get into it … probably a Catch 22.

Next up: “Roman Holiday!”

‘A River Runs Through It’

September 5, 2016

The movie: “A River Runs Through It”

Stars: Brad Pitt, Craig Sheffer, Tom Skerritt

Rated: PG

Released: 1992

What I “know”: I get this one and “Legends of the Fall” confused, because I’ve never seen either. This one has to do with flyfishing, based on the image search. I THINK it’s old-timey but maybe they just live in the middle of nowhere where real clothes haven’t reached yet. Side note: I’ve had a thing for Tom Skerritt since “Space Camp” so there’s that.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: Two fly-fishing brothers, straitlaced scholar Norman (Sheffer) and trouble-finding gambler Paul (Pitt), struggle to mollify their Presbyterian preacher father’s (Skerritt) lofty moral — and fishing — standards. Director Robert Redford’s Oscar-winning, nostalgic meditation about the fierce bonds that unite and divide families is set in Montana in the early 1900s. Emily Lloyd, Stephen Shellen and Brenda Blethyn co-star.

I was right about the fly-fishing AND the old-timey! Also, I promise my whole list isn’t related to Redford. Yet. Is Brad Pitt always the ne’er-do-well? I think so. I do love me some family strife, though, so here we go.

01:28: This movie is going to be gorgeous, isn’t it? I love a good, gorgeous movie.

01:33: Missoula, Montana? I have enough friends who either live there or have lived there to KNOW this is going to be a gorgeous movie.

02:10: I’ve never seen Edie McClurg in a serious role. You all can keep her as Grace in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” She’ll always be the bratty girl’s mom on “Small Wonder” to me. Harriet was the WORST.

03:33: Holy cow, that’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

04:34: I love you, Tom Skeritt, but sometimes water is just water and not “the words of God.”

05:55: “If he had his way, nobody who did not know how to catch a fish would be able to disgrace a fish by catching it.” Well, that’s just a mess of a sentence right there. But I like the thought behind it.

07:28: The Young Pitt looks so much like Opie Taylor it’s kind of freaking me out.

07:54: Yeah, this movie is gorgeous.

09:55: Young Pitt doing his little hip-waggle for the prostitutes just cracked my shit up.

11:18: I really hope there’s a softening of Skerritt somewhere in this movie. I am not a big fan of the totalitarian fathers.

15:32: Brad Pitt jumps off the roof into a roll; Craig Sheffer walks over and shimmies down a corner of the house. Talk about beating you over the head with their differences.

17:44: I swear, if they get in this boat and try to “shoot the chutes,” I hope they all die. Because if the two brothers live and their friends die, I will wish them ill will the rest of this movie. Trust. And since I know the brothers survive, I can only hope they don’t get in the stupid boat.

18:52: Dammit, they got in the boat. But it’s just the two of them. So now I hope they either bail on it, or they suffer horrifically painful injuries that don’t impact their future quality of life.

19:54: Of course, they hit the first big rock they see. This is a terrible idea, boys.

22:15: That isn’t much time for them to have crashed the boat, ended up on the shore, climbed a much higher elevation, hidden and then jumped on one of the dudes. Also, Norman is REALLY rethinking this “I’ve got my brother’s back” thing he’s got going on … as he should be. Stupid is as stupid does, folks.

23:09: Old Minister Skerritt says, “Boys, what have you done?” I’m guessing there’s a lot more that they’ve done that you don’t know about and shouldn’t know about. Also, this is the very embodiment of disappointment:

24:31: I very much do not like Brad Pitt. Not in this movie, and not in any movie. He just rubs me the wrong way every time I see him. That whole thing right there will cocking up his brother’s sandwich just because it’s “funny” is making me irrationally angry. I hope Norman kicks his ass for every time some asshole thinks he’s funnier than he is just because he’s stupid.

24:40: And now his mom’s on the ground. BRAD PITT IS THE WORST.

25:27: “That was the only time we ever fought.” Damn shame about it, too.

25:33: “If boyhood questions aren’t answered before a certain point, they can’t be raised again.” That’s some BS. A LOT of people are still fighting childhood fights. Come on, Macleans. Put on the gloves!

27:32: Tom Skerritt wins the “fish” measuring contest, as I assumed. And then was super cocky about it. That I love.

30:28: My two favorite quick shots of the movie so far: Norman’s face as he sees those mountains again, and Old Minister Skerritt starting to wave, then catching himself and instead grasping his hands together so as not to show any emotion.

45:01: Poor Norman. That’s what you get when you try to big-time people from your old area. You stick your foot in your mouth. Don’t brag about the “colored” jazz you heard in NYC, son. Montana ain’t got no time for that. And you get looks like this (fortuitous pausing):

45:10: Wait, that’s all it takes? The guy who just big-timed you, and insulted your mother’s favorite group, takes your drink back, takes four steps back, then re-offers you the drink and asks you to dance? Man, you ARE easy, Jessie Burns.

47:50: So he calls her later, she has NO idea who she is among the 4000 men she flirted with that night, and he follows up with “You’re so je nais se quoi?” “You’re so that something special?” What the HELL, Norman? You are terrible at this. And yet, it inexplicably keeps working.

49:45: House rules include “No Injuns?” Considering your “house” is an illegal speakeasy, maybe don’t be such a stickler for rules when someone who loves to mess stuff up as much as Pitt walks in.

53:12: Jessie’s totally going to bang Paul, isn’t she? Gross.

56:04: Dammmmmn Norman got game when he writes it out. Speaking, he’s not so great at. I guess that book learnin’ off East paid off!

1:03:40: “They were Methodists, a denomination my father always referred to as ‘Baptists who could read.'” Man, fights between religious types is always funny to me. Oooh the aforementioned Edie McClurg is Jessie’s mom!

1:06:48: Annnnnnd Neal is the villain. Famdamily, a weird look in the mirror to fix his hair, then he HITS THE DOG. You and me, pal, we ain’t friends.

1:07:03: Old Minister Skerritt can look down on Methodists all he wants, but their family gatherings are a lot more fun.

1:10:16: Talking about the ridden hard, put up wet former beauty queen at the bar shack, “There must have been a hardship in her new profession” is the nicest possible way to say “ridden hard, put up wet.”

1:10:35: OK, now i’m having flashbacks. I feel like someone once posted this one part of this scene (the part about otters) in response to something I’d written about otters. No idea who did it, but this feels oddly familiar. Weird.

1:18:29: What a piece of shit Neal is.

1:20:00: And what a piece of shit Jessie is too. Stupid Methodists. (Full disclosure: My grandmother was a Methodist and any time I went to church it was a Methodist church. So that line is a joke)

1:26:02: OK, I’ll say it: I don’t get fly-fishing humor, but Old Minister Skerritt sure does!

1:27:00: I REALLY like Brenda Blethyn as the mom in this. She’s just so expressive and wonderful.

1:27:26: “I understand he’s changed the spelling of our name. MacLean, with a capital L. Now everyone will think we’re lowland Scots.” I don’t know why but that made me giggle out loud.

1:30:06: OK it doesn’t make up for the dog-hitting or the tramp-sleeping, but Neal trying to do right by Norman on his way out of town was nice. Kind of an “He’s OK” to the rest of the family. Good for that.

1:36:48: Norman looks a lot like Steve Rannazzisi from certain angles. If you don’t know him by name, you’d probably know his face. From “The League” and also from LYING ABOUT BEING IN THE TWIN TOWERS ON 9/11.

1:47:43: Well this is the saddest AND most self-aware clip in the whole movie.

1:53:02: No. Nope. This isn’t happening. Why is he walking into the house alone? No.

1:53:15: Dammit. Young and stupid is no way to go through life. Dammit, Paul, you pissed off the wrong people. Gambling is bad. Yeesh. This is a gutpunch. “Nearly all the bones in his hand were broken.” At least he went down fighting? I don’t even know any more. Get out, Norman. Don’t let this stop you.

1:56:10: What cute babies he and Jessie made.

1:56:53: “We can love completely, without complete understanding.” Well, that’s just beautiful.

This movie hit me much harder than I expected, even halfway through. I’m more emotional today because my mom left after a four-day visit, and I’m always more emotional when I say goodbye to one or both of them, whether I leave them or they leave me. My mom’s 66 and she’s getting older. She’s not old, by any stretch … we did a lot of walking on this trip and she more than kept up. But she’s a little slower going down steps and she’s a little slower to get up from sitting. And anything that makes me think of losing her destroys me. So I’m sitting here on my couch, tears rolling down both cheeks, and thinking about family and life and love. I don’t know exactly when I got pulled into this movie … it snuck up on me. At some point, I went from thinking “look at all these terrible decisions” to “everyone makes the wrong choice sometimes” without even realizing it until it was too late and I was in it. This is the most affected I’ve been, of my five movies so far. I’m glad the next one is sci-fi so I can stop feeling for a while.

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