‘Wuthering Heights’

Stars: Laurence Olivier, Merle Oberon

Rated: NR

Released: 1939

What I “know”: If you want a full-on dismissal of the American education system, I have never read this book. I’ve never read any book by any Brontë sister. I’ve never seen any of the associated movies, either. So I’m 100 percent blind going into this. I’ve heard this referenced, but I couldn’t tell you thing one about it. Sorry?

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In director William Wyler’s beautiful adaptation of Emily Brontë’s classic story of passion, hatred and revenge, Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon star as Heathcliff and Cathy, whose tortured love affair ends when Cathy marries the wealthy Edgar.” First off, that’s a REALLY spoiler-filled sleeve, Netflix. Chill out. However, I’m intrigued by “passion, hatred and revenge,” or as I like to call it, the Holy Trinity of All My Relationships.

My real concern, of course, is the language. I assume this is all in like olde English or something. Hoping I’m wrong or it will be like watching an opera and I’ll have to base it on tone and contextual clues.

First, the trailer, because I love old trailers:

1:19: Oh, the house is called Wuthering Heights. That was a major question, tackled early. Well done!

2:05: Either this dude lives here, or people back then didn’t knock on doors. Also, awesome dog! That’s pretty much me every time I come home, minus about 100 pounds worth of dog.

3:15: Whoa, dude. Your dog is barking a guy he doesn’t know, who is in your house talking to your family and friends. Don’t kick your freaking dog for doing his freaking job. You monster. I don’t know who the ol’ grump is, standing in front of the fire, but he can suck it.

3:40: Mrs. Heathcliff? Oh, this is them? I don’t know what Olivier looks like aside from the photo I put at the start of this post, but I didn’t know he had a buttchin.

4:43: Candles sure do give off a lot of ambient light in movies. People walk into a room with a regular ol’ candlestick and suddenly you can see everything but the corners. Meanwhile, I light a giant pillar candle with like five wicks and couldn’t find my remote right next to it if I tried.

5:10: He took the candle from the 147-year-old servant, who is now going to break his hip falling down the stairs in the dark. You’re a real winner, new tenant!

7:15: Why is the owner of the house sleeping on a couch? Old timey people were weird.

7:42: Oh, so that’s him, but that’s not them. That’s his “I can’t have Cathy so I’ll marry this ol’ frumpy instead” wife. Got it. Also, I love that new tenant pulled and pulled on the window with no luck, and Heathcliff opens it without a struggle. It must only be able to be unlocked by tortured memories of a past love.

8:17: So, my favorite movie of all time EVER all time is “Gone With the Wind,” also released in 1939. Getting some serious flashbacks just from the styling and the music and the camera work.

9:42: New tenant: “Sure, I just heard a woman’s voice and saw her shape and felt something touch me and heard her say her name was Cathy, but I don’t believe in ghosts so nope.” Matt Drudge: “Sure, 1 million people are without power because of Hurricane Matthew, but I don’t believe in hurricanes so nope.” A willingness to change one’s opinions in the face of your actual experiences is just weird, y’all.

10:11: Uh, Heathcliff needs a new 132-year-old servant lady if this one’s just going to start gossiping about his love life to a guy she’s spoken 20 words to.

12:07: Cathy’s dad just referred to his newly-acquired street urchin as an “it.” WTF?

12:55: “Oh, no, don’t make me ashamed of you, Cathy.” That actually is awesome, even if he’s a dick to the poor as well. Snobby little girl calling the homeless kid “dirty.”

13:10: WAIT SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER ADOPTED HOMELESS STEPBROTHER? They left “familial relations” out of the keywords on the sleeve.

16:03: “Oh, Heathcliff, you’re so handsome when you smile.” Cathy has no chill.

18:35: Older brother can also chill out a little. Your dad’s dead, so you don’t have to compete with Heathcliff for his love any more. Don’t be such a jerk all the time, you spoiled rotten little jackass.

-:

“Yeah, you can be mean to me now, but I’m going to pay you back by destroying your sister’s heart and making mad, passionate love to her. VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE.”

20:06: Oh good, the older brother grows up to be an asshole and a drunkard. Winning!

21:55: “You’ll hoping I fall on the road and break my neck, aren’t you? Aren’t you?” Uh, we all are.

26:00: They’re trespassing and spying and Heathcliff is realizing that his dear Cathy wants all the trappings of wealth, and him … not so much. But the heart wants what it wants!

26:30: A dog that size grabs her bare ankle and she’s just going to be able to keep holding on to the wall? Doubtful. Come on, 1939 moviemakers … realism!

28:00: “Run away, bring me back the world.” Oh, Cathy, you dreamer you.

29:29: So she hooks up with the rich guy with the house and the dancing, comes home to flaunt it to her family after “some happy weeks” and it never occurred to her that maybe Heathcliff hadn’t run away to bring her back the world? Yikes, Cathy, buy a clue.

29:33: “Great talk of lying in a lake of fire without you and how he had to see you to live.” Trade THAT in for the money, you selfish wench.

30:31: GOD she is a bitch. Don’t treat him how your brother treated him just because you got all fancied up in a BORROWED dress. Yeesh.

30:59: She’s like the more common-looking Scarlett O’Hara, willing to trade in everything for whoever can give her the most money and things. Boooooo.

31:31: Phew. She’s standing up for him now, but it’s behind his back. She was still horrible to him to his face.

38:48: I feel Cathy may be bipolar. Just putting that out there. She doesn’t do coquettish as well as Scarlett, though.

39:15: “You’ll never love him, but you’ll let yourself be loved because it pleases your stupid, greedy vanity.” You go, Heathcliff.

41:12: So filled with self-loathing over a psycho woman that he punches out two windows and now his bed will be soaked with rain. You gotta think these things through, man. Love is such a horrible thing.

And here’s Cathy being the coldest bitch in history:

45:31: So Crazy Cathy just said “I am Heathcliff” to the ancient servant lady and then lightning flashes behind her. I feel like Cathy isn’t even playing with a half deck at this point, let alone a full deck.

47:34: She goes running out to their “castle” in a driving rainstorm in that heavy-ass dress, getting it soaked and muddy. He was already long gone, she should have taken the 10 minutes to put on something else. Why have two losses in one day?

50:04: So her rich husband-to-be finds her on a cliffside, they give her something to drink, she says “Heathcliff” and then the doctor tells her in a month she’ll be feeling better. A month? For spending four hours in the rain? Damn, medicine, step up YOUR game.

53:01: Rich people just have peacocks running around their properties??

54:01: Dearest Crazy Cathy, a “feeling of doom” as you leave the church with your new husband is probably not the best sign in the world for your ongoing happiness.

58:16: Man, Edgar is thick. If her ex-lover/brother shows up wanting to see her and she doesn’t WANT to see him, there’s probably a reason. Don’t be all “Don’t worry about ME, love, I’ll be fine!” Especially if he’s gone out and made something of himself because that’s the only thing you had up on him in her eyes. Be happy she cares enough to try to save your stupid loveless marriage.

1:01:29: “It occurs to me that I have not congratulated you on your marriage. I’ve often thought of it.” *Cathy shifts her eyes down* Oh, Heathcliff, you sly dog.

1:02:30: Every time I watch one of these movies, I know how horribly uncomfortable the dresses must have been, and how hard they were to get in and out of, and how it probably took an hour to put them on and take them off. But I’ll be damned if I don’t want to flounce out of a room in one, just once. Or forever. Like how I feel about late ’50s, early ’60s fashion.

1:08:28: So Heathcliff’s going to hook up with his sister’s sister-in-law? People back then needed to get out of the house and meet more people.

1:09:45: Wait, Laurence Olivier married Scarlett O’Hara? Like in real life? And he was married to his first wife and she was married too when they started their affair? What is happening? I mean, it makes sense, they were big stars and both English, but I had no idea. I also learned from that link that he hated Oberon. Good acting, then, I guess?

1:23:31: Welp, Edgar finally figured it out. You could see his face go from, “Good, my wife agrees my sister shouldn’t marry my brother,” to “I wonder why she’s so fired up about this, she’s not protecting a poor, frail woman,” to “Holy shit, she’s in love with him.” Poor cuckolded Edgar.

1:24:13: HAHAHAAHAHAH the doctor just told Drunk Brother he should hit himself over the head with a hammer so he can achieve the same level of unconsciousness as he does from the drinking without all the wear and tear on the kidneys.

1:25:41: “If Cathy died, I might begin to live.” Man, I’m glad I’m not the only one who hates Cathy … but I hate to break it to Isabella that that’s not going to change Heathcliff’s feelings or behaviors. Sorry, lady, he’s smitten with the crazy.

1:36:04: “You wandered off like a wanton, greedy child, to break your heart and mine.” That’s it. That’s the movie.

1:38:33: Did they direct her for this final scene as “open your eyes as wide as they’ll go, talk like a crazy person and look more and more insane with every single word you speak?” Because if so, man, she nailed it.

Well that was a weird ending. He went out to their castle, met up with her ghost, then died? Random.

I appreciate this movie for the epic it is, but it also pissed me off. Two people (well, mostly one, but also the other later on) throwing love away with both hands. As someone who, at 40, spends her Friday night watching a 77-year-old movie because she couldn’t get a date if she tried, that just pisses me off. Like, honest to god pisses me off. If you are lucky enough to love someone who loves you, you love them with all you have, forever. I get that society and the time meant women were to marry men who could take care of them, blah blah blah. But it killed her, it drove him mad, and it made me hate both of them by the end of the movie. You fight for love, goddammit, because some of us would if we could.

Next up: Vertigo!