‘Vertigo’

Stars: Kim Novak, James Stewart

Rated: PG

Released: 1958

What I “know”: Literally nothing. There will be times on here where I’m like “I have no idea” but like, I knew Wuthering Heights was an old-time movie, it was a romance, etc. This one, LITERALLY nothing. I know that vertigo is like when you have trouble balancing because of liquid in your ears or something. But this movie is 100 percent not in my subconscious at all. In fact, I skipped the first three lines above AND haven’t added a feature photo yet so I could honestly say I know nothing about it.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “One of Alfred Hitchcock’s darkest and most compelling suspense films tells the story of police detective Scottie Ferguson (James Stewart), who has a crippling fear of heights — and an all-consuming obsession with a married woman. When an old friend asks him to call his wife (Kim Novak), Scottie is drawn into a vortex of deceit and murder. But that’s only the beginning as a mesmerizing score draws Scottie to the film’s haunting final shot.”

OK, No. 1, I despise Jimmy Stewart. Admittedly, that’s largely based on how much I hate “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but his stupid weird voice and all the stammering and “gosh golly, guys, I’m so darn lucky!” makes me want to murder his face. No. 2, I honest to god didn’t know this was a Hitchcock movie. I think this will be my first.

First, the trailer:

1:49: This opening makes me think of the Spirograph toy from when I was a kid. Do those things still exist? They were awesome.

4:46: Not even 5 minutes in and Jimmy Stewart has already killed someone. A fellow cop, nonetheless. All because he’s afraid of heights and still decided to go jumping rooftop to rooftop. Good work, genius.

5:02: I sincerely hope that’s a flashback and at some point we’re going to find out what happens, because cutting from him hanging there like a sack of nothing to him in a very cluttered apartment is weird.

6:30: Oh, so he fell too, but he just dinged his back a little bit? Unfair. And THAT’S what made him afraid of heights? Yeesh. Lord, his voice is annoying.

8:13: Wait, they’re sitting here playing happy house couple and they’re not even together? Ah, the original friendzone.

8:23: “Well, we were engaged once, weren’t we?” Way to win the ladies over, you blockhead.

11:17: She’s very strong to catch a very tall fainting man off a stepchair (what was that thing, anyway?). Also, he’s a terrible fake fainter.

12:52: I love that he’s like “I can’t go to that rooftop bar, but there are plenty of street level bars in this town.” A man with his priorities straight.

17:05: The restaurant, Ernie’s, is gaudy as hell. Red tapestry wallpaper, red velvet chairs, red carpet? Gah.

18:03: Kim Novak is very beautiful. Wow.

18:48: So judging by the fact that Jimmy Stewart is sitting in the car, staring at a building, he went from “No, your wife is crazy and I don’t believe in spirits” to “Hmmm yeah I could deal with following this hot chick around town for a while.”

20:05: As a stalke … I mean, I would guess someone who was following someone wouldn’t turn down a one-way alley. There’s no other reason for you to be there and now you can’t get out until she leaves. You circle the block, park on the street and watch. Stalking 101.

21:02: Not going to lie, I’m a little disappointed. With the alley entrance, the creepy hallway, I thought she’d be, like, harvesting organs from orphans. But it’s just a black-market florist? Or just a secret entrance for richies who don’t want to bump into commoners on the street?

25:20: He’s a really terrible hider, for a stalker. Maybe they don’t teach you that in detective school? It’s a small cemetery, obviously not just for people to go wandering around in, and he’s just strolling around, all tall, in a brown suit and not even PRETENDING to not be following her.

26:07: In his defense, however, her perception skills appear to be less than zero.

26:43: Holy shit, Hitchcock did not work in vagaries, did he? “Zoom in on her bouquet, now zoom in on the same bouquet in the painting. Good, good, good. Now, go back to her but zoom in on her hair. Then, back to the painting and show that the woman has the SAME HAIR STYLE. Good, good. Hopefully everyone sees what we’re trying to do here.”

28:56: So he sees her go into this weird-ass McKittrick Hotel and my first thought was, “He should Google that hotel, see if like that’s where Carlotta died or something.” Then I remembered … 1958. Oops?

30:56: OK, 30 minutes into “Hitchcock’s darkest and most compelling suspense” finally something happens. He sees her walk in, the room is registered to Carlotta, she’s in the room, but the lady at the front desk says she’s not AND the key’s still there. Also, is that how hotels worked then? You left your key and got it when you came back? Weird.

32:43: Midge is the hero of this movie. Successful, kick-ass apartment, and not afraid to put Jimmy Stewart in his place. Midge wins!

35:28: The book store owner’s cigarette just went from freshly lit to almost nothing in 20 seconds. Continuity, people!

37:21: Why does she keep calling him Johnny in this part? His name is Scottie. Like Johnny Law? But he’s not a cop any more. Now I wonder if it was just a mistake, or if it means something later.

38:41: It seems too obvious, but she’s just Carlotta’s descendant, right? How else would she have inherited her jewelry? I feel like that’s too obvious. Never having seen a Hitchcock movie, I’m just going to assume, earlier obviousness aside, that he wouldn’t be that see-through 1/4 of the way through the movie.

39:09: Oh, great-grandmother. I couldn’t remember how long ago she died. Glad that they covered that and it’s not that. Still wondering where this all goes? Why can’t she just be a sad great-granddaughter who wishes her great-grandmother hadn’t been shunned by her baby daddy?

42:25: He is a REALLY terrible stalker. He follows her to where there’s no one else, and no reason for there to be anyone else, then parks his car in plain sight like 100 feet behind hers. How she doesn’t hear his car door close I’m just blaming on the water. But man, he should have been made like 10 times already.

43:00: I will say that I like Stewart in this movie. With my only previous experience being that godawful “Wonderful Life,” I’m glad to see he’s not that guy.

43:10: Saving a suicidal woman or copping a feel? You be the judge.

43:31: Let’s also talk about how someone jumping five feet down into the water wouldn’t be unconscious. She wasn’t even underwater, just floating on top.

44:14: “This lady is suicidal and went unconscious in the water. I’ll just take her home and build a fire, that’ll fix everything!” Did they not have hospitals, you jerk?

44:53: She’s topless in a strange man’s bed? Her dress is in the kitchen, and she’s in her bedroom. I sincerely hope she undressed herself, put a robe on and went to bed, but she still had to do so with the door open. Creepy Stewart!

45:13: Not a single “Who the hell are you, why are you in my house, and why am I in bed with no shirt on with you here?” Not a ONE?

46:56: She still hasn’t asked who he is, why he’s trying to make her drink things, and just totally trusts him that she “fell into the bay” and he saved her? Man, the ’50s were a glorious time.

49:53: So his name IS John Ferguson? Is “Scottie” a nickname for John all of a sudden?

52:52: No. 1, that dame got dressed quickly. No. 2, did Midge just get creepy? “Well, Johnny O, was it a ghost? Was it fun?” What??

54:52: When she pulls in, there’s no car next to her. Then it cuts back and there’s a blue car. Every time I watch a movie, I become more convinced that I should be a continuity person. Things like that just bug the hell out of me. Can someone tell me how that happens? I want that job! I’d be awesome at it.

58:29: So the weird guy who “saved” her just invites himself along, she puts him in her car and heads into the woods with him? On foot? With no real idea of who he is? Insanity.

1:00:14: She just said “here is where I died.” He calls her Madeline as she walks away. Try Carlotta, you weirdo!

1:03:20: Seriously, the scarf continuity is KILLING ME. In some of the takes, it’s clearly pinned in place, then sometimes, it’s completely off her neck.

1:05:06: Hey, Scottie, maybe don’t make out with the schizo chick who’s married to your college friend. Just a little piece of 20/20 hindsight for you.

1:07:35: Nope, Midge is batshit too. Painting a portrait of herself to look like Carlotta? What is HAPPENING with chicks back then? And her meltdown after he leaves … *insert cuckoo sounds here*

1:14:33: It never ceases to amaze me with older movies … two kisses and like three conversations and they’re all “I love you Madeline” and “I love you too.” Cool your jets!

1:15:53: Dearest Johnscottie, don’t let the crazy one who has already tried to kill herself twice go into the church, alone, just because she kissed you and gave you doe eyes. Yeesh.

1:17:03: He wasn’t even running that fast. They should have given her a bigger head start to make it realistic. Or maybe, subconsciously, he didn’t want to catch her.

1:17:03: Also, I want to hear his phone call to his friend. “Yeah, uh, I was with her. How’d she get down to that mission 100 miles south of San Francisco? Well, that’s kind of a crazy story … um, we made out after she tried to kill herself again and then we were in love and I thought I could cure her and … well I guess that’s about it. Sorry about your loss?”

1:18:45: A room full of blue suits appears to be something legal-y? Not sure yet. But bless the guy at the table who almost immediately was like, “Rather than take her to an institution where we could have figured out what was wrong, this guy decided to just have his old college friend keep an eye on her.”

1:20:11: This guy! This guy at the table! “It’s a pity, knowing her suicidal tendencies, that he did not make a great effort the second time.” I love this guy. He does not, however, love Johnscottie. He’s totally leading the jury, all like “Yeah, also don’t judge him for all of his terrible decisions after she plunged to her death” then starts listing them all. This guy for president. Well, he’s probably dead. But he might still be a better option.

1:22:30: “Sorry, Scottie, that was rough,” says the man whose wife was in love with his friend and who ran away with him to kill herself. Forgiving ol’ chap, that friend.

1:24:38: This dream sequence is trippy as hell. I don’t know what Hitchcock was on, but I’ll take two.

1:25:49: If he’s in a mental hospital, that’s the nicest one I’ve ever seen. I mean, in entertainment. I’ve never SEEN a mental hospital. Oh, never mind.

1:29:35: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING. Is this like in the future, with no symbols of time passing? Is this a flashback? He went from mute in a mental hospital and “Mozart isn’t going to help at all” to standing outside Madeleine’s (that’s what her gravestone said, but I’m not going back to change my previous references) place and staring at her car. Either it’s a flashback or that place just let a dead woman’s car sit in their lot for more than a year.

1:30:05: Oh, some lady bought the car and lives there. Never mind. Also, old ladies do love to stick their noses in other people’s business. Man, oh man, lady … time and a place.

1:31:00: Well, Ernie’s hasn’t gotten any less gaudy in the time he was cuckoo.

1:32:16: Scottie just went from “grieving lover” to “creepy stalker” really quickly when he saw the green dress lady. Stop following women around town, Scottie! It doesn’t end well!

1:35:57: Never mind, she’s as crazy as he is. Hey, lady, helpful tip? Don’t pull out your driver’s license and give the weird guy your address in Kansas. Lordy, these two.

1:37:54: AND YOU DON’T GO ON A DATE WITH HIM. I don’t want to victim-blame here, but come on. Smart decisions.

1:38:58: Wait a cotton pickin’ minute. So dual Kim Novak is actually Kim Novak? Her husband didn’t need insurance money, right? What is happening here? You can’t just pull something like that with NO hints, Hitchcock.

1:41:43: “I’m going to write a full confession, tear it into four pieces, then just toss it in the trash even though you’re a detective, albeit a pretty terrible one from all examples, but this should do it!”

1:43:58: IT IS NOT SEXY to tell a woman you’ve had one date with not to go to work and to “let me take care of you.” That’s just weird. Old time love stories are weird in their pace.

1:47:14: He is legitimately treating her like a doll of his dead girlfriend. OK, now I get why this movie is so creepy. Gross, Scottie. At least TRY to pretend like you’re doing it for her. Also, where do you go to buy clothes that OTHER PEOPLE try it on for you and model it?

1:50:50: “I’ll wear the clothes if you want me to, if you’ll just like me” made me cringe. But him then deciding “Nope, that’s not good enough, you also have to go blonde to truly be my Stepford girlfriend” is horrifying. “It can’t matter to you?” SERIOUSLY? “It can’t possibly bother you to change every single thing that makes you you so that I can deal with my emotional baggage.” What a dick.

1:51:00: “If I do what you tell me, will you love me?” “Yes.” GROSS. I hope he falls off a roof and that’s the haunting last image.

1:56:10: “OK, great, now that you look like the ghost of a woman I spent less time with than I have you, I will finally kiss you.” I want to punch him in the face so hard.

1:58:10: OH NO SHE’S WEARING THE NECKLACE. She was careful enough to hide her gray suit, but not the stupid necklace from the painting?

Well that final bit, with the nun, was a bit of a copout. But I sincerely hope he had to go back on trial in front of the same guy and explain why a SECOND woman, who looked exactly like the first, died in the same place with him there. I’d pay for that sequel. As for my first Hitchcock movie, well … meh? It’s hard to judge old movies on their own basis because I didn’t see other movies of that time period as much, so it’s hard to do apples to apples. Parts of it were SO blatant and over the top, but then the big twist wasn’t even really given any kind of foreshadowing? I liked the end of it (as you can tell by the increase in my use of caps lock) but it took a long time to get there, and I feel like Midge was just wasted. RESPECT FOR MIDGE.

Next up: How to Marry a Millionaire!