Starring: Robert De Niro, Jodie Foster, Cybill Shepherd
Rated: R
Released: 1976
What I “know”: Robert De Niro is a taxi driver. He has a mohawk and says “you talkin’ to me?” which I only know because it’s the basic DeNiro impersonation for anyone doing one. Also, Jodie Foster is a teenage prostitute. Super psyched for a lighthearted tale here.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “After a cute political campaign worker spurns him, an unhinged New York City cabbie decides to assassinate her candidate. Meanwhile, he tries to protect a child prostitute from a smooth-talking pimp in this gripping tale of urban decay and insanity.” Well, yeah, this is going to be a real joyride. Getting out my weighted blanket real quickly.
First up: TRAILER!
1:35: These opening credits feel like it should have been for a 1970s cop show on network TV. They’re oddly calming, though I know what’s coming now.
2:20: Oh THIS is Travis Bickle. I guess I’d heard the name come up in the past but didn’t know it was this movie.
4:57: Cool, a future taxi driver getting dusk drunk on pocket alcohol. Just what I’m sure they’re looking for.
6:27: You know, with that little monologue about the scum on the streets at night, he could earn a prime-time spot as a talking head on a national “news” network.
8:05: “Every night when I bring the cab back to the garage, I have to clean the cum off the backseat. Sometimes I clean the blood.” Well, I was eating dinner.
9:42: Four candy bars, popcorn, and a soda for $1.85 at the movies? Man.
9:55: Oh, it’s THAT kind of movie? This dude’s a real winner.
11:20: Albert Brooks having a phone conversation with the button providers about whether “We are the people” is the same as “We are the people” is my favorite part so far.
15:37: Holy cow, that’s Peter Boyle! Still horseshoe bald, but with more, darker hair around the bottom. I know most of my posts have some version of “holy cow, that’s so-and-so,” but I literally know nothing about most of these going in.
24:23: A) Cybill Shepherd was freaking stunning; B) don’t have coffee dates with people who use the term “my possessions.” I don’t know why it struck me weird; it just did.
31:35: Awwww, little Jodie Foster! Wow, she actually was 14 when she made this movie. That’s insane.
35:00: HE’S TAKING HER TO A PORN MOVIE FOR THEIR FIRST DATE? Heavens, Travis. Also, Betsy, if a dude defends taking you there by saying “I see couples here all the time,” he’s saying he goes to that theater all the time. That’s like 8 red flags at once.
39:52: Annnnnd Travis Bickle is the father of the incels. He stalks her, takes her to a porno theater, then blames her when she deuces out on him.
I realize now how she is just like the others: cold and distant.
Travis Bickle
47:24: If they ever do a remake of this, I need Milo Ventimiglia to play Travis. There have been several shots in here where I did a double take. I think he’d do a fine job.
1:01:00: Bickle doing all the work to plan his weapons and stuff is the most uncomfortable I’ve ever felt watching a movie. And I saw part of “Natural Born Killers.”
1:07:07: If I was of the age that I would have seen this version of De Niro, I would have a real hard time seeing him in like “Meet the Parents” or “Dirty Grandpa.” He is very frightening.
1:11:01: There’s only like 40 minutes left and he hasn’t even talked to Jodie Foster yet. Jodie, come save his soul!
1:15:53: OH MY GOD, THAT’S HARVEY KEITEL. IN HIGH-WAISTED SLACKS AND A WHITE TANK TOP. AS A PIMP.
1:30:55: Gross, Harvey Keitel. Gross to the max.
1:36:12: The mohawk means he’s serious, and he’s ready to die!
1:39:16: In the annals of shootings, I think “suck on this” might be the worst way to preface it.
1:40:02: This just got much bloodier than I expected it to. I mean, I guess I should have seen it coming, but yikes.
1:40:42: THAT DUDE’S CHEEK MOVED when he was shot. Gross, Scorsese. Side note, Jodie Foster was all legs.
1:44:11: I like three cops standing in front of three dead people with a distraught young girl and like not trying to help her in any way. Not calling her out of the room, not entering to assist. Nothing.
1:46:30: Wait, Travis lived??
I would have cut that last bit. Have him go out and be done. I didn’t need to see Betsy again. That was a creepy movie, like “Psycho”-level creepy. I’m glad I’ve seen it, I guess, but it’s not something I’d watch again.
ALSO, while I was looking for clips to put in this, I found out the guy in the back of Bickle’s cab who’s going to kill his wife for being with a black guy … was Martin Scorsese? Jeezo pete.
What I “know”: Neo-Nazis. Like, so many of them. And a curbstomp heard round the world. And that this is going to frighten me probably more than any other movie I watch because, you know, 2018.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “A California neo-Nazi gets sent to prison for murder and comes out a changed man. But can he atone for his sins and prevent his younger brother from following in his hate-filled footsteps?” So wait, this is kind of a … redemption story? I mean, maybe? Time to buckle down for two hours of generational hate.
TRAILER!
3:05: That was possibly the least sexy sex scene I’ve ever seen. The Doc Martens were the best part.
5:48: This movie is shot very weirdly. I’m not technical enough to know what’s different, but it’s distracting. Unrelated, whose front door opens out?
6:28: Oh good, it looks like only the first few minutes were shot in weird, grainy, oddly timed b&w.
13:57: “He used Derek to recruit a slew of insecure, frustrated and impressionable kids.” The classic game plan.
15:22. Y’all. I just legit got chills. Like this whole TV interview could be happening RIGHT NOW. I don’t want to watch any more.
24:43: There are white supremacist hymns? What the hell?
33:21: So dude does 3-years-plus on a double murder charge, and his parole doesn’t include “Don’t associate with the skinheads any more?”
36:10: Does Donald Trump just quote from this movie in his speeches? “Our border policy is a joke. So is anyone surprised that south of the border they’re laughing at us? Laughing at our laws? … “It’s about decent, hardworking Americans falling through the cracks and getting the shaft because their government cares more about the constitutional rights of a bunch of people who aren’t even citizens of this country.”
42:21: I really, really, REALLY don’t want to watch any more. The whole riot bit? Like those are legit arguments I’ve heard when I was younger, that I never tied to white supremacy. I honestly never realized how much rhetoric I’d heard from people who ALSO didn’t know it was white supremacy talking points. I’m just gutted right now.
55:10: It’s legit scary how good Edward Norton is at playing psychopaths.
57:06: Seeing this Nazi party (just typing that makes me think of the “Forrest Gump” scene where Forrest apologizes for ruining their Black Panther party) just … they look ridiculous. And I know in the moment I’m sure they feel all righteous. But they’re a bunch of angry young white dudes with no ideas of their own.
1:05:00: Stacy Keach is creepy as hell. He’ll never be Mike Hammer to me ever again.
1:21:38: Guy Torry, stopping racism since 1998. Way to go, pal.
1:25:48: Soooooo the way the racist guys treat black people is by having sex with them? Like that’s what I’m supposed to take away from the shower rape scene? That they all secretly want to rape black men? That’s a terrible threat.
1:41:55: Not OK with the dad from “Boy Meets World” spewing racist stuff.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I watched the last 20 minutes of that movie with a constant churning in my stomach. I have no great summation, no deeper thoughts. I have only sadness and wariness.
Starring: Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, Spencer Tracy (and about 400 other famous people)
Rated: G
Released: 1963
What I “know”: This is one of my dad’s favorite movies. Like I told him a while ago I was going to see it and he started laughing. “Oh, man, it’s hilarious!” Then this weekend he told me he thinks I’ll like it now but might not have when I was younger, so he apparently thinks my sense of humor has matured … or gotten softer. One of the two.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Before literally kicking the bucket when his car careens off an embankment, “Smiler” Grogan tells onlookers he’s stashed $350,000 beneath the big “W” in Santa Rosita — and thus begins a mad dash to recover said dough.”
Also, this movie is 2:41. WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE EDITORS? Why are all these movies pushing 3 hours????
TRAILER!
6:37: I’ve already had to rely on IMDB more than I would have thought to identify people. I guess I expected Milton Berle to look older than that, even in 1963. Can’t wait for Mr. Roper to show up!
7:45: “If you move me, I’ll break into little bits.” *Jimmy Durante proceeds to move all over telling his story*
9:10: MUAHAHAHA I was literally typing “There was no bucket. That description bugs me. Don’t say literally if he doesn’t literally kick a bucket” and then … he kicked a bucket. Tremendous.
10:23: Mr. Roper!
16:50: Buddy Hackett just randomly naming W words while Mickey Rooney yells at him kills me.
19:00: What was Jonathan Winters’ big plan? Just stop and wait two hours for them to leave so he could … get the money last? Like, was he going to U-turn his truck on that mountain and go the long way? I don’t understand his dastardly idea.
19:50: It must have been the craziness of the first shot, but Berle looks older now. And like himself. If I’d just waited, I’d have figured it out!
20:41: Holy crap, Spencer Tracy is like the opposite of Berle for me. I didn’t expect him to be super old. Then I looked him up and he died four years after this. I’m telling you, if you don’t know this about me, my relation to how time moves is not tremendous. Like … I don’t know when all his movies came out, but I guess I assumed like the ’50s. It was apparently the ’30s and ’40s.
21:32: Hahaahhaha Spencer Tracy threw his hat out the window and made the most ridiculous sound. “DIB BUH!” is my best approximation.
21:58: Holy crap, Jerry Lewis is in this? Uncredited?
27:36: The math on this 27 shares of the money version is hurting my head. No wonder they can’t agree.
28:14: Hackett: “Except you, lady! May you just drop dead!” Winters: “OK, we all agree on that.” Her face after that is tremendous.
31:39: Man, Berle’s wife wasn’t kidding. He is not a good driver.
32:20: Oh no! That poor couple that just got run off the road and lost all their shit. White dudes chasing big money cost a black couple half their belongings and nearly kill them … sounds allegorical.
37:54: You guys … I just literally made a sad sound at Jonathan Winters’ sad face when the Berle group went flying past him in another car. Poor guy got on a girls bike to try to get help and just got ditched.
41:54: OH NO, JONATHAN WINTERS. Oh gosh. I mean, I know this is in his wheelhouse, but I just feel so bad! He just told the whole story to a guy who stopped to help him, then the guy was like “Oh you should go move that bike” and as he threw it into a bush, the dude drives off to go get the money himself! Jonathan, I hope you never trusted another human as long as you lived. But you were fine to trust Mork. He wasn’t human.
42:43: MUAHAHAH HOLD ON. There’s a sign on the side of the road for Ray & Irwin Garage. My dad’s name is … Ray Erwin (though most people usually spell it with an I on first try). This is hilarious. This is probably part of why he loves this movie, though I’m also guessing he’s forgotten this part in the past 55 years.
49:12: Hey! It’s Thurston Howell III!
50:29: Holy cow, you guys. Jonathan Winters was a gift to the world. The part with him breaking free from the garage is just sheer perfection.
53:36: And then it kept going … and going … and going. I snorted, legit, four times during that three minutes. Tremendous, tremendous physical comedy.
54:16: This dude is AGGRESSIVELY dancing, and his female partner looks like she is pissed at everything.
56:36: Poor Jack Benny!!!
58:10: And I just sniggled at them holding Ethel Merman upside down, trying to shake the car keys out of her bosom. Well played.
1:00:06: Sid Caesar, man. This movie is just chock full of physical comedians, and I adore it.
1:09:13: Uh, how is he going to return the hitchhiker’s kid back to his family after finding the alternate route to the road?
1:28:59: This movie is ridiculous, in all the best ways. The good-for-nothing, aggressively dancing son is on his way to “help” his mom instead of going to get the money. Everyone’s fighting with everyone. This is great.
1:30:00: This “intermission” thing in movies is so crazy to me. I’m fast-forwarding past a black screen.
1:34:14: I hope Sid Caesar gets blown to bits for a.) setting up a dynamite blast to get out of this stupid basement; b.) lining the fuse 40000000 feet long; c.) doing so on a paper trail over top of some paper boxes and d.) doing it 6 inches from a load of fireworks.
1:39:49: Man, these cops sure do have a lot of information about people that they’re not near and before cell phones were invented. They know the one dude (who wasn’t even part of the original group) drove his car into a lake. They know the ones in the basement started a fire and set off fireworks and still didn’t get out (but apparently didn’t care enough to go save their lives).
1:59:48: I oddly enjoy that two groups arrived there at the same time. Don’t know why … totally implausible. Also, unrelated, but my allergies blew up in the last 45 minutes and now I can barely breathe and my eyes are watering. So if the end of this review is off, that’s why.
2:00:19: Hey, that’s Peter Falk that drove that cab!
2:02:15: I told my dad early in the movie that when Buddy Hackett was running through W words, I was like “I’m sure it’s actually a big W and not that it stands for something” and hey, I was right!
2:15:30: Nice reveal by Spencer Tracy. And Berle popping his nitroglycerine pills throughout the movie has cracked me up.
2:19:50: Muahahah Jonathan Winters’s double earned his pay for this movie.
2:29:38: Hey, that’s that guy from “Some Like It Hot” with the weird face! Joe E. Brown!
2:32:26: Hahah the fire truck ladder is swinging because they all clambered on at once. Not to say I wouldn’t have done the same … it still looks safer than that fire escape.
2:33:17: And the hardest laugh of the night comes from Sid Caesar being catapulted through a boarded-up window by the rogue ladder. Tremendous.
As I watched the last scene, I just wonder what Spencer Tracy was thinking when he made this movie. Like, it’s hilarious. No doubt. But if he was like “OK, so this is my life now, I make movies where Ethel Merman slipping on a banana peel is the capper to the whole flick,” I just wonder what that meant to him.
Tons of fun, hilarious, and a great cast. I could have put another 400 clips in this thing, but that would have been a nightmare. This movie gets two thumbs up.
Stars: Juliette Binoche, Willem Dafoe, Ralph Fiennes, Kristin Scott Thomas
Rated: R
Released: 1996
What I “know”: It was a critical darling. Everyone loved this movie. I also know it’s apparently 2:42 long. *sigh*
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Set against the backdrop of World War II, this Oscar-winning drama stars Ralph Fiennes as a badly burned pilot who recounts a tale of doomed romance to the nurse tending him. As his story spills out via flashbacks, so do secrets about his identity.”
OK, color me intrigued. Let’s do this.
TRAILER!
4:28: Do we eventually find out why he was flying through the desert with a dead woman in the plane with him?
6:03: I can not imagine many methods of travel after burning to a crisp in a plane crash that would suck more than “strapped to a board atop a camel with a wet cloth and a corn husk over your face.” It hurts me just to watch it.
10:21: I love that Ralph is over here, horridly burned, struggling to breathe, and he’s still giving this guy a hard time about being German.
11:25: Juliette Binoche is just French for “Julia Roberts,” isn’t it?
12:20: Dang, she lost her man and her best friend in the first 12 minutes of this movie.
17:31: When they were coming up with the makeup for Lord Voldemort, did they just base it on this movie and say, “take off his nose?” That’s all I can see when I see him, and I’ve never even seen the HP movies.
18:04: You know how you can just tell you’re going to dig a movie? I dig this one.
20:33: I’m sure there’s a rational explanation that I’m too dumb to get, but why is there outdoor running water at this abandoned castle where she’s caring for him?
22:42: COLIN FIRTH. Also, is Kristin Scott Thomas the dead girl in the plane? How does she end up in his plane? Why is she dead?
32:26: Hey, Willem Dafoe used to look normal!
35:39: I don’t like their little flirting thing here. She is married. To Colin Firth. You don’t mess with that. Does she kill herself over their burgeoning love triangle?
38:00: Ugh, now he’s dancing with her and they’re both instantly giving bedroom eyes. NO. And Colin Firth has to watch it all! Ugh.
38:50: “Escort me, by all means, but following is predatory, isn’t it?” she says lightly. There is then like 15 seconds of AWKWARD silence as they dance and she realizes she is, very much, his prey.
42:43: Oh, Colin Firth, you can’t leave now. This is the worst possible time for you to leave.
44:47: Why is Willem Dafoe shooting heroin??
46:57: “I’ll probably marry him,” Hana says of the Sikh she just met. “Really? That’s sudden,” Ralph Fiennes retorts. FINALLY someone gets all this crazy timeline stuff is crazy.
52:40: Sure, the figures on the wall could be swimming. Or they could be flying. Or lying dead. You can’t tell from stick figures on walls, weirdos.
53:21: What was with the weird scene with the one dude hitting his head, the other dude making sure he’s OK, and Ralph Fiennes making shifty, judgy eyes at them? Is he a homophobe? Did he think there was some sort of dude-on-dude action going on in this ancient cave? Just seems like such a weird scene.
53:49: Oh, wait. Maybe there is dude-on-dude action! “How do you explain, to someone who has not been here, feelings that seem quite normal?” Hey, you do you buddy.
55:18: OK, so the dude on top of the car fell off. The dude driving the car (his flirting partner) swerves and rolls down the dune with Fiennes in the passenger seat. I get all that. Why did the second car drive straight down? Glad everyone survived, regardless.
55:54: So she volunteers to stay behind with Fiennes, while invoking her husband. Classy lady.
1:03:31: So their truck just has sand up against the side upon which the wind was blowing, but the other truck, on its side, is completely submerged under sand? I was wondering what that honking sound was. Those must be some airtight Jeeps!
1:11:05: Dang, Ralph Fiennes has some nice-looking eyes.
1:12:35: WHAT THE WHAT WAS THAT? She comes to him, like in a dream, he strides to her, she beats the crap out of him, he grabs on to her and sinks to his knees, and her hitting slowly becomes stroking his hair and she says “You still have sand in your hair.” WHAT IS HAPPENING?
1:12:49: This had better be a dream. Because he just ripped her dress open and they are in front of open doors and windows.
1:12:59: This did not appear to be a dream. He is now sewing her dress back together.
1:21:45: Thank you for a realistic sex scene in a movie. She’s making weird faces, they’re choppy … thank you. I mean, realistic aside from having sex like 10 feet away from a group of soldiers singing carols.
(insert 3-month break where I didn’t finish this movie)
1:22:23: I get that Ralph Fiennes has nice eyes. But you can’t be dismissive of dedicated Colin Firth in a Santa suit!
1:23:06: *Colin snuggling her* “What do you smell like?” She smells like Ralph Fiennes, not marzipan.
1:25:06: I don’t think I can express how bad of an idea Colin showing up to surprise her is. But he didn’t follow her cab? He just let her go? I guess it might not be a nearly three-hour movie if he had.
1:40:12: Well that whole thumb scene was next level gross.
1:42:52: They are not good with keeping their affair a secret. A.) His coworker guy is all “Pull yourself together” and now B.) He’s got his arm around her at some public movie showing.
1:44:31: HAHAHAHAH she walked into a support post after ending things with him. That was hilarious.
1:47:05: Maybe they should have taken Ralph’s drink away while he was up rambling about. Yeesh. Not a good look.
1:47:40: Also not a good look: Shoving a woman against a wall as you verbally assault her. No wonder she chose Colin Firth over you … for now.
1:48:32: And then following it up with a DEMAND she dance with you because you want to feel “what is yours?” Gross. So gross.
1:50:43: Oh good, Hana finally got it on with her Sikh husband-to-be. Oh, no wait, it’s even better! He’s showing her beautiful things! And then they got it on after that!
1:53:54: Oh, wait, apparently this is not the first time. She visits him every night. Good on you!
1:55:44: I have a really bad feeling about him inspecting this bomb, mostly because she had a bad feeling about it. Trust a woman’s intuition.
1:58:45: That was very suspenseful. I exhaled at the end without realizing I had been holding my breath.
2:03:12: MAYBE, just maybe, Hana, the reason he’s not letting you in is he saw the freaking bloody remains of his partner last night in an ambulance. Maybe he just needs you to give him a TINY amount of space. For a nurse, she’s not very observant. On the plus side, Kip’s posture is OUTSTANDING.
2:10:29: So Colin decides to go out in a blaze of glory and decide to kill his cheating wife and former friend at the same time, but he’s the only one who bites it? Well, I know she does eventually, but she lived through that crash despite being in the front seat? Yikes.
2:12:48: “I wouldn’t want to die here. I don’t want to die in the desert.” Well then maybe make better life choices. Because, spoiler alert, you very much do die there.
2:14:20: I know he doesn’t have a choice … he can’t just carry her for three days to the next town. But lighting a small fire on rocks and being like “I’ll be back in six days, here’s some water, food and a book for you to enjoy with your broken wrist” … I mean, that fire’s not going to last for six days.
2:21:17: Man, Ralph is really getting into the violence of everything. Not that poor guard’s fault you assaulted a dude. No need to choke this guy out. Now he has a broken leg, too, because he jumped off a moving train.
2:22:22: “So yes, she died. Because I loved her. Because I had the wrong name.” No, because when you were asked to spell it you grabbed a guy by the throat and starting cussing him up and down. Your name didn’t kill her. Though, I also think his plan of “I’ll ask for a doctor and a car and they’ll just give me both” was a longshot at best.
2:29:39: Did he lose the ability to speak? He can’t just say, “Dear God, Hana, kill me. Please.”? I mean, I get it. Dude’s been through a lot (most of it his own doing, but still, who among us hasn’t done stupid stuff for love?
OK, so I spoke a little early in saying I was going to dig this movie. I didn’t NOT dig it, but it was long and it dragged a lot. There really wasn’t a lot of THERE there; it was gorgeous and the underlying story was fine, but it could have been a 2-hour movie. I still don’t fully understand why Dafoe’s character came in so early. If he was there to kill him, why spend days and weeks around him?
This is the first movie I’ve done here where I think the choppiness inherent in this blog affected my enjoyment. Pausing it every couple of minutes to get a time marker and type so as not to miss anything did make this longer and choppier than it would have been had I just sat down to watch it.
What I “know”: I have literally never heard of this movie. I like Robert Duvall. That’s it.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Alcoholic drifter Mac Sledge comes into the life of a lonely widow and her young son in the barren flatlands of Texas. But when Mac is revealed to be a once-famous country singer, he must face a painful past and an uncertain future.”
Good news: It’s only 92 minutes long!
TRAILER!
00:55: “Hey son, let’s stand out here on the porch and watch/listen as two people violently fight over alcohol in the next hotel room/apartment over. That will be great for your development as a worthwhile human being.” Like, she literally just stands there, looks down at her young kid, then keeps watching/listening as someone gets knocked out. THEN she ushers the kid back inside like “Well, show’s over, kiddo.”
1:54: Wilford Brimley’s in this? Woo hooooooo!
3:37: I have rewound and watched a sentence seven times and I still have no idea what he’s saying. It’s like “How about I just piece a lint for you, Lynn?” and she says, “No.” But I have no idea what he asked her. Why do movies INSIST on playing the intro song over actual dialogue? Ugh.
6:28: Room, meals, AND $2 an hour? In 1983 that’s like way more than minimum wage. That’s a great deal. She’s a terrible business owner.
13:02: I DON’T UNDERSTAND MOVIE TIMELINES. They have not spent any time together, really. They have not dated. They have not kissed. Yet he’s proposing to her out in this garden like “Obviously I totes love you. Marry me?” and she’s like “I’ve thought about it.” What is HAPPENING?
13:55: AND NOW THEY’RE MARRIED. Because the kid is getting bullied at school about having a stepdad. Like, I feel like the wedding/marriage thing is a pretty big plot point if the whole thing is him figuring out his life.
16:28: This reporter is a jacknut. Stop harassing the dude. You offered him the chance to comment, he chose not to, walk away. Don’t yell accusatory things through his screen door.
23:33: This band just learned the truth of “Never meet your heroes.” They were so psyched and he’s like, “I’m done singing. I don’t miss it at all.” *sadface*
26:40: Awww he did go see his ex-wife sing!
27:22: And FINALLY Wilford Brimley is on the screen. Phew. I guess he’s the ex-wife’s … dad? Manager? I don’t know. But he’s running a song Mac wrote to her and maybe she’ll record it!
30:25: Well his ex-wife just ramped that up exponentially. I mean, I get the guy was probably a really crappy husband. Alcoholic, threatening … bad news. But he’s clearly looking good, not slurring, and just wants to see his kid. For her to tell him the girl doesn’t remember him, doesn’t think about him and doesn’t care about him is mean.
34:29: Ah, so “tender mercies” is part of his wife’s nightly prayer. Got it. I’d never heard the term before.
36:23: So poor Mac’s feeling impotent about his life, yells at his wife, and peels out of the parking lot. Dude’s not real great marriage material.
36:49: The “International Cafe & Truck Stop” is a shack on the side of a road with seating for like 20 people. And no parking lot that would hold a rig. I love the “international” part most.
47:27: Mac went from taking his song to his ex-wife, who still sells out little Opry-type places, to his wife just giving it to a wandering group in a murder van and being like, “Nah, Mac won’t mind if you sing this thing he wrote that he was hoping to sell.” Maybe he learned his lesson, because he just told her he didn’t care about that.
50:54: Awww the band took his song to a record company and they want him to sing it! Sweet.
52:52: His daughter came to see him! Man, Ellen Barkin WAS young once.
58:59: Why did he tell his daughter he didn’t remember the song, then start singing it once she was gone?
1:02:13: Ol’ Wilford just wrote a check, signed it, then crumpled it up and threw it on the ground. What the what? Also, I love the surprise of Mac when he finds out his daughter eloped and found out the guy was 30 and thrice divorced. She told you they had to sneak around, that he was in her mom’s band, and that her mom didn’t like him. Did you think he was 18?
1:05:04: OMG that baptism water is funky. Looks like our old pool in our backyard in Ohio roundabout May when we’d open it back up. Just green and gross.
1:08:17: He wasn’t lying. That song is cheesy. “If you’ll just hold the ladder, I’ll climb to the top.”
1:17:41: Oh no! His daughter died in a car accident. Poor plot point daughter. Does seem like a weird time (fewer than 15 minutes to go) in the movie to drop that little nugget.
1:27:52: So wait, I’m just doing the math. She had that kid when she was 17. He’s probably like 8-9 now? I’m terrible with kids’ ages. So she’s 25. Mac is 15 years older than her, so I’m supposed to believe Duvall is only 40 in this movie? I guess he was only 52 when he filmed it, but he looked 52. Still. Also, nice of them to clear up that whole “past family” thing for him so he could toss the football with his stepson and climb back to country music stardom without all that pesky “old family” stuff dragging him down.
I mean, it was a fine movie? Not sure how it ended up on my list. Nothing stands out about it to me, and I’ve never heard it mentioned before. Probably never will again. But at least it was only 90 minutes (which still takes me more than four hours to do for this blog hahah).
What I “know”: It’s a love story? And there’s some line in this was called back in “What’s Up, Doc” but I can’t remember what it is. And it’s one my mom recommended, which is why I added it to the list. You guys don’t understand, she hasn’t seen a movie that wasn’t on Lifetime in 10 years … she’s not a movie person.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Privileged Harvard jock Oliver Barrett IV (Ryan O’Neal) sparks the anger of his steely, demanding father (Ray Milland) by falling in love with and marrying plebeian Radcliffe student Jennifer Cavalleri (Ali MacGraw), prompting his disapproving family to cut off his inheritance. After graduation, Oliver lands a job with a prominent law firm, and the blissful couple has the world by the tail — until tragedy intervenes.
OK, full disclosure: I was reading the four “not fresh” reviews of “The Big Sick” this morning on Rotten Tomatoes (P.S. Go see “The Big Sick,” seriously) and one of them said “If, in Love Story, Ryan O’Neal had departed Ali MacGraw’s bedside to do a whimsical what’s-the-deal-with-toast routine, it would have been hard to stay invested in their drama.” So I know the tragedy hits her. Also, the start of this description REMINDS me of “The Big Sick” but I guess it’s also a pretty standard issue (parents don’t approve of romantic interest, high jinks ensue) in movies.
Negative points for using “plebeian,” however. Ugh.
TRAILER!
In that screen shot above, she looks a lot like young Angie Harmon.
Pre-title screen on the DVD: “This motion picture has been rated PG for some language and a love scene.” Oh, 1970. You were too pure for this world.
00:52: Well, I guess it’s not really a spoiler when it opens with “What can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died?” How am I supposed to get invested if the whole time I’m watching it, I know she’s a dead woman walking?
2:09: “What makes you so smart?” “I wouldn’t go for coffee with you.” “Well I wouldn’t ask you.” “That’s what makes you stupid.” *fade to coffee being poured.*
3:26: Ugh, she is insufferable. I hope I get to like her at some point so I can care when she dies.
6:39: Hey, it’s Tommy Lee Jones!
7:39: “I think I’m in love with you.” You’ve had one cup of coffee, two walks to her dorm and a hockey game in which you spoke for 30 seconds and she was horrible and you were horrible. What was happening in the ’70s?
9:20: Argh! I knew Ray Milland sounded familiar. He was Tony in “Dial M for Murder!” Blah.
9:56: And Oliver IV just called the Cornell bench “faggots.” Sometimes one forgets how much time has passed and then you hear words thrown around and it’s like “Oh yeah, that was totally fine back then.”
13:57: She just said “The million and oneth time.” Would you say “The million and fiveth time” or “The million and twoth time?” No, you say “Million and first”, you stupid broad. Ugh.
17:34: Thank GOD he finally said something to her. “Look, Cavalleri, I know your game and I’m tired of playing it. You’re the supreme Radcliffe smartass — the best — you put down anything in pants. But verbal volleyball is not my idea of a relationship and if that’s what you think it’s all about, why don’t you just go back to your music walks and good luck.”
21:00: WHY are they bending their books back on themselves? Filthy casuals (I know that’s the wrong usage, but it’s how I feel, so too bad).
26:27: No, Jenny, “Because” is not a good reason when you ask someone why they want to marry you. Especially when they bring it up as soon as you say you have a scholarship to leave the country for a year. That’s controlling. Man, there were no winners in this argument. I mean, I guess him since she forgot all about her future, but he was a complete bonehead throughout.
27:10: His teeny-tiny car with the steering wheel on the wrong side can’t be street legal.
36:33: “If you marry her, I’ll not give you the time of day.” “Father, you don’t know the time of day” *throws napkin on table and storms out like a child*
42:58: Her dad is awesome. He’s all fired up, going to fight for Oliver IV, finds out his daughter doesn’t want a Catholic wedding, doesn’t want a godly wedding at all, doesn’t believe in God, and will speak at her own ceremony and he’s just like “Oh, OK, that’s how things are now.”
49:05: Wait, how do they have a boat? They’re broke and he’s going to Harvard Law.
55:17: Man, Oliver IV goes from 0-100 real quickly. Rips the phone out of her hand, tells her to get out of his life, and she runs out. I’m guessing this is where she gets hit by a car or something.
56:51: I know I say it in every old movie, but it’s crazy to me that you couldn’t just call someone who ran out. I know I lived in those times but I don’t even remember not having at least a pager. He’s running all over town looking for her and there’s no better way to do it.
58:58: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” is stupid. Barbra Streisand was right. What kind of cockamamie stuff is that? He ripped a phone out of your hand and yelled at you for trying to be a better person? He should say sorry every minute for the rest of his life.
1:10:34: Wait, why is the doctor who is like their fertility doctor the one telling him, and not her, that she’s dying? A.) that’s not really his thing and B.) Pretty sure she should find out first? These are some shenanigans.
1:14:20: So hold on, the doctor actually talked to her and LIED? WTF? I am so angry about this I just called my mother (who can’t remember the details of a movie she saw 45+ years ago) to yell about this stupid doctor and how illegal that is and her response was, “It’s just a story.” Truth.
1:19:49: Half the time she looks like Angie Harmon and half the time she looks like Kendall Jenner.
1:21:44: I started crying during the “merry widower” part and I’m crying again when they’re getting hot chocolate. I literally didn’t realize how invested I was, especially after my anger fit at the doctor.
1:36:41: Through a constant stream of tears I type this: I don’t think that’s how cancer works. I don’t think someone goes from being that demonstrative to dead in like 30 minutes.
This was a really weird movie in that I didn’t honestly like anyone in it, but I was still ugly crying by the end. Like REALLY ugly crying. It was a gutpunch out of nowhere, and my concerns about knowing she died at the start were unfounded.
What I “know”: I know Marilyn Monroe’s in it. I did not know the other two were. I assume it’s like all the other Monroe movies I’ve seen so far, where she’s a flirtatious dame who finds herself in a pickle.
And I still think in the last frame, it looks like Jason Segel.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “When musicians Jerry and Joe accidentally witness the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, they get out of town the only way they know how — dressed as women. But things heat up on the road when they meet a curvy blonde who plays the ukelele.”
Welp, I was pretty far off. She’s the only one NOT in trouble, apparently. Also, if this were the plot of like a Seth Rogen/James Franco movie, I would be incredibly P.O.ed at this ridiculous plot, but I’m oddly intrigued because … Jack Lemmon? As a woman?
TRAILER!
1:47: Just to let you guys know what a mental heavyweight you’re dealing with, the first scene came on and I thought, “Wait, those cars aren’t from 1959!” Then I remembered, “Oh yeah, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre was in the ’20s … never mind.” #duh
2:34: OMG this is the coolest hearse ever. Guns hidden in the roof? Also, I marveled at the 10 cops crammed in that car, with some holding on the little side-step things, to shoot at the baddies in the hearse. Windshields were not shatterproof back then, BTW.
5:04: If Charlie’s worried about being made as an informant, maybe standing next to a cop car talking to a cop in front of the funeral parlor they’re scoping out wouldn’t be his best move?
6:25: I sniggled again at “Scotch coffee, Canadian coffee, sour mash coffee … ”
8:44: Lemmon doesn’t look like Segel yet, but Curtis looks like Ray Liotta. Well, I guess Ray Liotta looks like Tony Curtis. Whatever, you know what I’m saying.
10:30: What is with weird, Muppet-sounding “Buttermilk” guy?? That was creepy.
10:51: Please tell me the “I want another cup of coffee!” guy is like the “I want my two dollars!” kid from “Better Off Dead” and he’ll keep showing up at random times. Please.
15:45: So, um, point of clarification … they did not witness the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. They witnessed a raid of a party that possibly led to that. But unless sometime between today, where they’re begging for work, and tonight at 8 p.m. when they supposedly get on a train as women musicians they somehow witness something that happened at 10:30 a.m. on Feb. 14 … the timeline doesn’t match up.
19:30: OK, I spoke too soon. I guess they went to those offices at like 9 a.m. or something.
24:07: Jack Lemmon’s facial expressions are so good. As someone who knew him by name only and then only from “Grumpy Old Men,” this is tremendous to see him when he was young.
24:24: A.) Tony Curtis is, by far, the better looking woman. B.) I know they’re going to explain the wardrobe away as them saying they could borrow clothes from the chorus girls, but … no chorus girls I’ve seen were built like men.
25:39: And we meet Marilyn, looking beautiful and pouty … as always.
27:55: Jack Lemmon/Daphne going on and on about her seamstress coming in once a month only to be shut down by Tony Curtis/Josephine was great.
29:42: “I’m Sugar Kane … I changed it. It used to be Sugar Kovalchuk.” WTF? I mean, I feel bad for how Monroe got shoehorned into these roles and things, but “I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop” is awesome.
33:01: Jack Lemmon was a tremendous physical comedian. I had no idea.
38:33: Him blurting out “That’s one of ’em” when Sugar scrambles into his bunk just cracked me up. I love this movie already.
42:51: I don’t know where their director/conductor lady went, but this party is getting out of control. Alcohol + 10 women + 1 dude = loud times.
57:22: Why did Tony Curtis steal the dude’s suitcase? What is he doing with that hat? No one’s going to believe he’s a guy he’s 10 inches taller than.
1:01:17: I love the ballsiness of him wearing the guy’s clothes out of the hotel he’s staying in and then flirting with Sugar while wearing said clothes.
1:06:40: Hahhaahaaah he’s in the tub in the full outfit. That’s tremendous.
1:12:00: Uh, Sugar’s dress here is not much more than netting and pasties. That’s a lot of skin for the ’20s, I think, outside of a flapper show.
1:14:13: Haha he forgot to take off his earrings. I’ll bet this will lead to some high jinks!
1:15:22: I still don’t get why Lemmon is doing this whole “going out with the creepy old guy” thing for Curtis. At all.
1:19:40: So THIS movie is where the water polo/drowned ponies joke comes from? I never knew.
1:34:37: Wait, how did Spats find them??
1:34:52: Oh, hahaha, he didn’t. He’s there for an unrelated reason. Silly plot!
1:48:54: I am a woman. Born one, will die one. I wear heels occasionally, but mostly sneakers and flats. And I gotta say, Jack Lemmon really mastered running in heels for this movie. I’d have twisted an ankle or 7 filming this escape scene.
Final thoughts: I really, really, really liked this movie. This is the kind of slapstick/physical comedy I like. I don’t need it to be weird, over-the-top guffaws, just funny situations with good actors. This fit the bill, and then some.
Stars: Clint Eastwood, Donna Mills, Jessica Walter
Rated: R
Released: 1971
What I “know”: I have literally never heard of this movie. My friend Linda, who suggested it, told me this week it’s a thriller AND it’s sub-two hours, so I’m excited about that last part. I hope “thriller” isn’t code for “horror” or “nightmare-inducing” because I do not do well with scary movies.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Silver-tongued radio disc jockey Dave (Clint Eastwood) can’t help but notice the persistent calls from a female to “play ‘Misty’ for me.” But a chance meeting with infatuated fan Evelyn leads to a brief and steamy love affair. Dave quickly learns he’s in for more than a little night music, and that Evelyn will stop at nothing — even the return of one of Dave’s old flames — to have him all to herself. The film marks Eastwood’s directorial debut.”
So it’s a little “Fatal Attraction”-y? Which I also haven’t seen, BTW. I’m in. Not a huge Eastwood girl, but not sure I’ve ever really seen him in anything. Aside from talking to an empty chair. Just went through his credits … I think I saw one of the “Any Which Way” movies when I was younger, and I saw parts of “Million Dollar Baby,” but nope. I’ve never seen an Eastwood movie that I can remember.
WAIT A SECOND. The mom from “Arrested Development” is the stalker? YASSS. I’m all-in now. If I were a larger “AD” fan, I’d insert lines during this. But I like it plenty.
TRAILER!
1:26: A movie about a stalker starts with the main character gazing off a deck into a rocky shoreline below? That’s foreshadowing, folks.
4:16: Fun fact: I’m petrified of bridges. And this opening, with the shaky camera and the aerial shots of the horrifying bridges? It’s not great.
4:48: Oooooh “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” is an AMAZING song.
6:30: The good: Clint Eastwood’s voice was better in the ’70s than it is now. The bad: It’s still not a DJ’s voice. And no, I’m not going to do a “the ugly,” thank you very much. Low-hanging fruit.
8:11: There was a period in my life where I thought I’d like to be a DJ. I talk a lot. I could make it work. But watching him settle in for five hours, overnight, alone in that little studio? Ugh, I’d lose my mind.
9:54: What is this weird-ass game they’re playing at the bar? Anyone?
10:45: I love Lucille Bluth with a ’70s shag cut.
13:18: “You don’t want to complicate your life.” “That’s exactly right.” “Neither do I, but that’s no reason why we shouldn’t sleep together tonight if we feel like it.” Get you some, Evelyn.
13:29: GAH. I actually said “Gah!” out loud during that kiss. What was THAT? I think my first kiss was better than that. Yikes.
13:30: Uh, I just saw Lucille Bluth’s nipple. I’m not OK with that.
13:56: Serious question: How can Scott Eastwood look so much like his dad but also be so damn sexy when Clint Eastwood is neither attractive nor sexy to me?
15:57: Uh, even if I didn’t know the plot of this movie, this chick has checked off two MAJOR stalker boxes in the first 16 minutes. Lie in wait for him at a bar he mentions on his show, then show up at his house with groceries? Weird.
17:31: Never trust someone who eats their steak well done or extremely rare. Words to live by, kids.
18:04: OH MY GOD THEY ARE THE WORST KISSERS EVER.
18:33: WHAT IS HAPPENING? They’re out by her car, she’s ramping up the crazy, some weirdo comes out and bitches about the noise (even though they’re just talking at normal talking levels) and she goes IMMEDIATELY to “Why don’t you go screw yourself?” and lays on the horn. Run, Dave. Run now.
20:52: Wait, that’s Donna Mills? The crazy, artsy, flamethrowing one? That’s “Knots Landing” Donna Mills? Wow.
21:12: She just holstered her flamethrower and walks away? I hope her house burns down.
23:57: So the guy who didn’t want to complicate his life screwed it up by catting around with every woman in town? Classy.
24:39: I take back what I said, he has the same voice. Ugh. Also “There’s a little spot in the middle of each day just about your size?” What in tarnations is that?
25:52: This is a whole lot of exposition for “I’m sad we broke up.”
28:08: HAHAHAHA she’s calling from the payphone IN FRONT OF THE BAR. And the bartender’s like “No, crazy lady, he’s not here.” Oh, this is going to be priceless.
30:12. Oh. My. God. The “Does he want his keys?” tease is amazing. I mean, I’d totally already have called the cops on her. But she’s fun crazy so far. Until she goes bunny-boiling crazy.
31:35: HAHAHA she left a stuffed Snoopy with a note pinned that says, “Evelyn sent me to keep an eye on you, so BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!” Jesus. He needs to burn his place down, push his car off a cliff, buy a new one with cash and move to another country.
32:16: She drops her coat, shows she’s naked, she giggles … and his response is for him to usher her into his house? OPEN THE DOOR AND LOCK HER OUT, YOU WEIRDO.
34:20: Annnnnd she lipsticked his mirror. I can’t tell if she’s bipolar, or just emotionally underdeveloped, or just … I don’t know. But she’s definitely cuckoo.
36:16: “He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword.” I get it! The sword is his penis! Because he’s talking about how he can’t stop banging chicks. Poetry!
37:46: Him: “Yeah, I’ll come by, but we need to talk.” Her: “OK, great, play that song I’m oddly obsessed with while I’m lying in bed thinking of you.” She’s amazing.
38:16: Do we ever actually hear this song? Is it a real song? Inquiring minds want to know!
39:39: I don’t know if those white loafers were actually good shoes in the ’70s. I’m missing key information.
39:43: “Have I done something wrong?” No, honey, only EVERYTHING. Bless you.
40:45: If you think I’m not going to find some way to work, “What am I supposed to do, just sit here in my little whore suit?” into conversation at some point in my life, you are sorely mistaken.
41:23: WAIT. He’s got a stalker and he just walks off and leaves his outside door to his bedroom wide open? Even if he DIDN’T have a stalker, that’s a terrible decision. I pinged Linda (the one who suggested this) earlier and told her I was renaming it “A Series of Terrible Decisions by Clint Eastwood.”
43:37: So Angelica’s moving out and “Madeline” is moving in? Dollars to donuts, Madeline is Evelyn.
43:42: GAH! SHE’S THERE. SHE’S IN THE WOODS. Look, I’m a part-time stalker in a charming “I know where he lives” kind of way. But not in an “I stand in the woods and watch him and his girlfriend” kind of way.
44:57: “Oh, don’t look at me that way, Dave.” Bitch, you just woke him up by knocking furiously for like three minutes straight, screamed at him, talked about someone sleeping in “papa bear’s” bed and then went screaming into his house. How do you want him to look at you? Also, where’s his nosy neighbor now, talking about how people are trying to sleep?
45:12: “WE DON’T HAVE A GODDAMN THING BETWEEN US. HOW MANY WAYS AM I GOING TO HAVE TO SAY THAT?” Well, that’s the first actual time you’ve said it, so that’s a good start, I guess?
46:40: Did cops not exist in California in the ’70s? I know they did. I watched “C.H.i.P.s.” Is he legit waiting for her to start like cutting off parts of her body in front of him?
47:44: HOLY CRAP I WAS JUST KIDDING. I mean, when she first walked in there, I was like “I’ll bet she slices her wrists or something super theatrical” but I didn’t actually think she would. Also how convenient that she slid down the wall as soon as he broke down the door. Her face is EVERYTHING.
47:58: Wait, they’re still at his house? He just has a doctor on call who can come and stitch up a suicidal crazy person on site, then leave her there? He’s going to like care for her? What is even happening? I mean, that’s probably against ever medical rule ever, right? Leave a suicidal person in the care of the person they “tried” to kill themselves over?
49:41: He brings her soup and is like ‘how are you feeling’ and at no point does she say “Oh god, I’m so sorry about that” or “My bad” or anything. Just … time goes on, apparently.
49:52: Oh, ok, never mind. She just waited until she complimented him on how nice the soup looked before saying “About last night …” OMG SHE IS BASICALLY BLACKMAILING HIM FROM HIS BED WITH HER WRISTS WRAPPED UP. She is all balls. Bless her heart.
50:33: Phone rings. She says “You should answer that.” He says “I’ll get it in the other room” and just WALKS OUT. With her sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIS RINGING PHONE and probably his girlfriend on the other line. You unplug that phone and take it with you, dummy!
51:59: You know what, I’ll say it. I was going to ding this movie for her being SO over the top early on. But cripes if I don’t love it. Her giant eyes, that blood-curdling scream, ALL OF IT. I want more. “Oh, hold me, Dave, please…” and then HE DOES. It works. I might have to rethink my game methods after this.
52:53: OMG HE STAYED THERE. He stood up his girlfriend and he stayed in bed holding the crazy suicidal chick. What is he even thinking? I mean, I realize rational behavior would render most movies over before they even began but cripes.
54:00: He goes to call her and in come sprinting Miss Crazypants, all well to do and she goes “I woke up and you were gone!” Yes, like you should have been HOURS AGO. OMG HE JUST … she says “it’s best if I go home since you obviously have plans” and he says, I swear to you, “No, no, there’s nothing.” I literally can’t wrap my head around the Stockholm Syndrome or whatever is going on here.
54:40: ROCKY CLIFFS AGAIN. Told you. They’re going to play a part. Someone’s getting tossed.
56:54: So the woman who wants to book his show or whatever just tells him to book a table for lunch. No clue what time. I guess noon is standard?
57:20: OH MY GOD she’s getting copies of his keys made. Evelyn may be my new stalking hero.
59:31: HAHA she showed up at his business lunch, all “So THIS is your business lunch?” If you’d been listening, yes, it’s a business lunch, you whackadoo!
1:00:37: That whole bit was amazing. He shoves her in a taxi, tells the guy to get out and she’s just frantically reaching out the window yelling that she loves him. Try opening the door? Also, of course the agent lady is gone. She’s not crazy, like Evelyn is.
1:02:20: SHE LIVES IN THE WOODS.
1:03:42: Birdie is either brave or stupid for continuing to follow the noise of someone grunting and tearing things after seeing the condition of that house.
1:03:49: BIRDIE, NO! I should have known. Two black folks in the whole movie, of course one of them’s gonna die. Dammit, Birdie.
1:08:27: Oh, Roberta Flack. I’ve been waiting for you.
1:11:12: No, you can’t have sex out in the woods. That’s where Evelyn lives! She’ll see you. She’s been there every other time. It’s not safe sex! Also, that can’t be comfortable. I hope there’s no poison ivy or oak.
1:16:16: I was wrong the first time, but I do feel pretty confident that Evelyn is Annabelle, the new roommate.
1:18:41: I like that after she calls in to his radio show and makes some flippant comment, she then felt the need to say “I’ve been released.” I think he assumed that.
1:21:02: Could have gone my whole life without seeing Clint Eastwood in tighty whiteys.
1:28:14: I FRICK FRACK PADDYWHACK TOLD YOU. She’s Annabelle. Now McCallum’s going to show up and she’s going to kill him.
1:29:47: Why is there just a knife lying around in the living room? How do these people live? I will say Evelynbelle got one thing right: Tobie is stupid. When you realize a psycho is walking toward you with a knife, you don’t just sit there with Bambi eyes.
1:30:51: This, when he realizes she’s Annabel (sorry for the earlier misspellings, I didn’t get the Poe thing), would have been a great time for a time-traveling trip by old Eastwood to take cell phones to him and the cop.
1:31:38: Oh, they were scissors. That makes more sense.
1:35:39: I was kind of sad to see the cop die … he was nice and sassy. However, if you’re a cop and someone pops out of a doorway holding scissors in an attack pose and has time to scream before plunging them into you and you NEVER make a move for your weapon, well … them’s the breaks.
1:37:06: I kind of want Evelynbel to have left a gingerbread-crumb trail of Tobie’s hair for him to follow. Is that weird?
1:38:33: I love that she ran in, hit him twice, then scrambled away like a mouse after the light’s been turned on. She couldn’t find another sharp object in that whole house?
1:38:49: She did it again! And she’s doing it in heels so you just hear this clacking noise as she scampers away. She should kick off her shoes and keep the element of surprise!
1:39:32: OK, I guess she does have a blade (looks like a machete) but this blood they’re using is ridiculous. I saw it for the first time with Birdie when her hand reached up for the curtain and there was quite clearly just ketchup on her hand.
1:39:39: BOOM. ROCKY CLIFF. TOLD YOU. DECK. ROCKY CLIFF. DEAD PSYCHO. It was Eastwood’s first movie as a director, so I’ll cut him some slack, but you can’t be that obvious, ol’ chap.
Well, that was a ride from start to finish. Minus the really weird like 10-minute music festival before they introduced the Annabel twist. Jessica Walter is my favorite female psycho.
What I “know”: It’s romantic? It involves Africa? Robert Redford washes her hair at some point and my female friends have told me about that scene.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Hoping to forge a better life, Denmark native Karen Blixen (Meryl Streep) enters into a marriage of convenience with a womanizing baron. But when the couple moves to Nairobi, Karen falls in love with a free-spirited hunter (Robert Redford) who can’t be tied down. Director Sydney Pollack’s lush period drama earned seven Academy Awards, including statues for Best Picture, Best Screenplay and Best Cinematography.”
Wait, TWO HOURS AND 41 MINUTES? Are there no editors in Hollywood? Yipes. Also, ugh on the period piece. Also, it’s 79 degrees in my house because I refuse to turn my a/c on this early and when I open my living room window, my dog barks at every freaking noise. Soooooo it’s not only Redford making me sweat.
TRAILER!
00:50: I sit next to a guy from Denmark in my office. I’m going to ask him on Monday if her accent is good. It sounds-ish like him, but who knows?
4:04: This green screen, where she’s talking to her lover’s brother about how they’re both losers and should just get married, is horrific. Photos don’t do it justice … I tried.
8:10: Ugh, those tusks. Just, ugh.
9:06: Nice deerhound.
9:35: I love that this lady brought china to Nairobi. You psycho.
12:50: Well, that’s officially the shortest wedding I’ve ever seen. I hope the Redford sex makes her loosen up and become human. Right now, ick.
20:42: That weird kissing power-struggle thing was weird. Like, really weird. I’m grossed out. I need Redford, stat.
26:59: My initial thought of “Hey idiot, if your horse is freaking out and running away, you should probably not ignore that warning sign” was quickly replaced with “Thank god, it’s Robert Redford!”
30:31: Redford looks really good for 50 in this movie. I’m partial, but still. I feel like Meryl Streep has always looked the same age, though. She’s 35 in this, but I’d buy her at 45 or 50, or 30. She’s hard for me to place on an age scale.
31:54: Poor Berkeley. He has no shot. Nice guy, but he’s no Redford.
34:55: I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN IN AFRICAAAAA. Sorry, had to do it.
40:10: “You’re not going to go and fall in love.” “Not with someone who’s always leaving.” She hasn’t read the Netflix sleeve, where she falls in love with a man who can’t be tied down.
46:14: I know it’s a way of life and all, but all these whips cracking on these poor animals is just killing me on the inside.
50:32: There are only like 8-10 Maasai, but they are intimidating as hell. Where’s Redford when you need him?
51:33: I was just thinking about the Africans, both the ones walking her entire trip while she rides a horse and the Maasai running across the desert, and how strong they must have been. Then the lions show up on my screen, I gasped … as I ate a handful of almond M&Ms and contemplated turning on my a/c. I am a very weak person. WHY ARE THE CATTLE/OX/WHATEVER NOT MOOING OR SOMETHING?
54:05: I’m sure that whole speech about oxen was awesome, but I couldn’t understand any of it.
58:09: SHE FOUGHT OFF A LION SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND HE GAVE HER SYPHILIS? Jesus, dude.
1:00:39: What is up with Redford’s tie??
1:02:17: Ah yes, the always awkward “You gave me syphilis” conversation with your husband. “And the others, whoever they are. I hope they’ve got it.” Good for you, Meryl.
1:03:08: I get the cinematography Oscar. Very stunning shots in this movie.
1:10:06: This had better be where their affair begins. We’re almost halfway through. Get to it!
1:15:27: Almost halfway through the movie before she even kisses him. This movie is ridiculous. I wish I loved it. I want to love it. But I didn’t need 75 minutes of her moving to Africa, planting coffee, helping the slaves, fighting a lion, etc. Ugh.
1:16:21: Some drunk idiot just shot two holes in the ceiling and you all just start singing along with her? What is happening in 1919?
1:17:04: “Someone has left her underclothes in the back.” Karen to her philandering, syphilis-infected husband as he drives her home from the New Year’s party. Bless that line.
1:25:57: What did he think the monkeys would do? Sit down and write dissertations on Mozart? Of course they’re going to mess with your record player, you weirdo.
1:29:33: That was it? THAT was the hairwash scene? I want my hopes back.
INTERLUDE: It is now about 40 hours since I started this movie, and my fourth attempt to finish it. That doesn’t say much for my enjoyment.
1:36:41: Those poor lions. All because you jackasses wanted to go wandering around the wilds of Africa. Ugh. I hate hunters and I hate hunting and I hate big-game hunting most of all. I know that’s not what this was (self-defense, I suppose, but they definitely didn’t HAVE to be there and the lions weren’t invading THEIR living space) but ugh.
1:40:15: I was just typing “the hand on the shoulder before walking back to her tent means ‘Bring your butt on'” when he showed up at the flap of her tent. It’s about dang time.
1:41:05: Dangit, they were showing sex in movies by 1985! I should have known … PG rating. “If you say anything now, I’ll believe it.” Been there, girl. Never good.
1:45:12: Mmmm mosquito-net sex.
1:46:39: Holy crap, that’s Iman! Berkeley gave up on the crazy Danish lady and is getting into it with Iman! Good for ol’ Berkeley, except for the whole dying part.
1:49:12: So this is the 1920s version of the “I’m giving you a drawer” conversation? Adorable. Also, he follows it up with, “Oh, and our friend is dying.”
1:51:45: Know what a great basis for a relationship is? Not seeing each other very often, no real conversation about your lives (just telling stories) and only focusing on the physical. Or wait, is that the worst basis? Hmmm.
1:52:53: So she sees a plane, knows it’s him, takes off, climbs in the plane, he says he learned how to fly yesterday, and she settles in? Gah. Also, why does the pilot sit in the back seat? That seems like a bad plan.
1:54:05: Imagine this picture in HD, and/or IMAX? Mind-blowing.
1:57:40: Bror: “You might have asked, Dennis.” Redford: “I did. She said yes.” HAAHAHAHH she’s not your property, you syphilitic ass.
2:05:10: See, this is the Redford character I hate (and it’s honestly almost all of his characters I’ve seen): He gets flippant when he’s uncomfortable. She’s talking about what she wants and desires from him and he’s just tossing off jokes and half-laughing. The worst. Though I did like “I do mate for life. One day at a time.”
2:06:44: That whole fireside scene where he’s being a jerk and she’s being open reminds me of my favorite guilty pleasure Redford movie.
I’m starting to think he plays the same guy a lot.
2:10:49: UGH. While her overarching point is correct (someone who isn’t willing to compromise doesn’t get to demand the other person give up what’s important to them), ending your sex bomb relationship with Robert Redford over a sweet girl who has never done anything to hurt you and probably wouldn’t bang your dude anyway is not the right way to go. Felicity wouldn’t do that, and I honestly don’t think he would either. Stop being a jealous wench, crazy Danish lady, or else you’re just proving him right.
2:13:13: I hope Dennis lit her coffee factory on fire on his way out of town. That would make me happy.
2:15:38: So in this great coming-out party for the new governor, they let rag-tag ol’ Dennis just hobble on in in his dirty jacket and ratty hat? And then he’s like “No, don’t stop her from begging, I want to watch too.”
2:19:40: I just got a little choked up at her speech to the one guy (sorry I can’t keep names straight) about on safari, her sending him up ahead to set up camp and build a fire for them to follow. And then him asking if where she’s going is far (it is) and him saying “Then you must build a big fire so I can find you.”
2:24:42: So the whole scene where he comes back and wants to go with her … ugh. You can’t be that steadfast and then just cave. Like 90 percent of other people see it as “Oh, he realized how much he needed her and that was more important than EVERYTHING HE HAS EVER BELIEVED IN” but I will never buy that. It just feels like a game of chicken he wasn’t prepared to lose.
2:27:03: Of course he dies in a plane crash before the “happily ever after.” Moral of the story: Don’t give up on your beliefs and what you want or else you will die in a horrible fire.
OK, so I learned from the closing credits that his name is Denys. I’m not going to go back and change that. Sorry.
I disliked this movie for the first 1:40-2 hours of it. I felt it dragged, was giving me WAY too much background noise that I didn’t need. I still feel that way, but less so. Probably the first 1:40 could be condensed down to an hour, making it a two-hour movie. Still would have dragged some, but most movies do. I feel really bummed for Karen, who lost her family’s money, her husband, her lover, her farm, her career, and her friends. And for what? Nothing. Another movie where no one wins … aside from maybe Bror, who snaked someone else into marrying him.
Stars: Armand Assante, Eileen Brennan, Goldie Hawn
Rated: R
Released: 1980
What I “know”: Goldie Hawn joins the Army. I don’t know why, but she does. And high jinks ensue! Also, I just learned that it’s not spelled “hijinks.” I mean, it’s a variant of, but WTF?
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “After her husband drops dead on their wedding night, spoiled society girl Judy Benjamin (Goldie Hawn) decides to join the Army — a choice with consequences both explosive and explosively funny. The situation is mined (no pun intended) for plenty of laughs, but in the end, this classic comedy is about Judy’s inspiring search for identity and independence. Eileen Brennan co-stars as the tough-as-nails captain determined to teach Judy a lesson.”
I LOVE Eileen Brennan. I’m assuming she won’t be dolled up as Mrs. Peacock, which is a real shame.
TRAILER!
00:46: For a split second, I was like “Oh yay, Albert Brooks! I wonder why he wasn’t credited as one of the stars.” Then I remembered I just typed that her husband drops dead on their wedding night. Oops?
1:40: So the other morning, I woke up and was singing “Hava Nagila” for no reason. I am not Jewish. I have never attended a Jewish ceremony where that song would be played. And here it is, in the beginning of this movie. Weird.
8:58: Nothing says 6:30 a.m. like racquetball and deli meat. Yum!
10:45: So not only does her husband die on the wedding night, but she had to have bathroom tile sex? Poor girl.
20:13: Actual sentence I just blurted out, alone, in my house: “Holy shit, that’s the husband from ‘227!'”
26:29: Eileen Brennan’s facial mannerisms as she’s talking to Benjamin for the first time are to die for.
27:24: I will say, if you have to clean the bathroom with a toothbrush, the battery-operated one is probably the way to go. Well done, Benjamin!
30:28: And, “Holy shit, that’s Coach!”
36:05: I laughed out loud at her stuck in the barbed wire fence and her “ow” as they tried to cut her out.
37:04: “I’ve never, in all my born days, met such a whiny candy-ass as you!” Honey, let me try to do ONE day of basic training and you’d be begging for Judy Benjamin to come back. Trust.
39:02: It JUST hit me. I knew I knew her mother. I had to look her up, but y’all, I am not kidding .. I LOVED “Double Trouble” back in the ’80s.
Yes, those ARE the younger sisters of Katey Sagal. I’m so glad all the full episodes are on YouTube. I know what I’m watching next!
58:37: Drunk Eileen Brennan is the best Eileen Brennan. “Let’s not keep in touch, shall we?”
1:01:33: I don’t mean to question the reality of a movie about a rich girl joining the Army and magically winning the big competition, but if they put blue dye in her shower head, it wouldn’t be that dark, it wouldn’t stick that much and it wouldn’t last that long. Just saying.
(Fun fact: There are almost NO clips on YouTube, and only like two gifs on giphy.com. I had to go through a LOT of Benjamin Bratt ones, too. Who needs that many Benjamin Bratt gifs??)
1:02:44: Brennan’s vampirish skin and blue teeth, with her awkward smile, is just the best.
1:07:56: Confession: The French guy said “Baltimore,” but I heard “Voldemort.” I’m only on book 3. No spoilers.
1:10:14: Hey, she had one that lived! Good for you, Benjamin!
1:13:01: Wait, she parlayed lucking into a jeep after not being able to read a map, then tying someone’s underwear around her arm, into a spot in the “Thornbirds?” Like the SEALs? Ugh.
1:17:42: Man, they did not go subtle with the sexual harassment/assault there. Lord. “You know you want it?” Ugh.
1:18:57: “Innuendo? Try rape.” I did NOT expect that. I’m impressed.
1:19:24: Ugh, you can’t just transfer to Europe because of one good lay. Should have gone for the yachts.
1:26:17: So he’s a Communist who doesn’t like women who are too independent? Good choice, Benjamin.
1:32:25: Of course she picked the man. Sigh.
1:35:18: So the guy who stops walking while they’re discussing their wedding because he’s drooling over his ex follows it up with “I want to have a baby with you, but we might not make forever, so please sign this prenup?” Oh, Benjamin, you chose SO poorly.
1:36:27: Why would she sign something she can’t even read???
1:38:30: He’s telling you what color hair to have and that you wanting a career is nonsensical? RUN, BENJAMIN.
1:39:04: She looks like a carrot with that hair. Actually, she looks like Shelley Long in “Troop Beverly Hills.”
1:43:39: I mean, clearly she doesn’t marry the guy. This isn’t the kind of movie where she marries the guy. But if someone doesn’t punch him in the face by the time this is over, I’m going to be really let down.
1:46:13: MUAHAHAHAHAHAH I didn’t actually expect anyone to punch him in the face, but cripes, that was perfect. I love that whole thing.
I really liked that movie. It wasn’t as slapstick as I thought it would be, which was good. And I’m glad it wasn’t two hours of “look at her screwing up at basic” because that would have been boring. Henri is the worst person (next to her dad, who, let’s be honest, is the reason she’s been so messed up to start with).
Next up: “Out of Africa!” (Back to Redfordtown … about time)
