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Drama

‘Jeremiah Johnson’

November 7, 2016

Stars: Delle Bolton, Will Geer, Robert Redford

Rated: PG

Released: 1972

What I “know”: Very little. I hadn’t even heard of this movie before “The Way We Were” and “All the President’s Men” drastically increased my interest in Young Robert Redford. But a friend recommended it and I know he says like eight words all movie, so we’ll see how that goes. I know he lives in the mountains, so I’m hoping he doesn’t look like Grizzly Adams.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In a quiet performance (he speaks perhaps 30 lines of dialogue in the whole film), loner Jeremiah Johnson (Robert Redford) seeks isolation in the mountains, but he’s forced to battle nature’s inconstancy and nearly every American Indian in the vicinity to survive. Redford persuaded director Sydney Pollack to film in Utah, ensuring the the movie — based on Vardis Fisher’s novel — would have a breathtaking backdrop.”

Well, I guess 30 lines is better than eight words? I’m concerned, but here’s hoping.

First, trailer!! And I’m not watching it, but holy hell, that screen shot they’re using is not optimistic for my “not Grizzly Adams” wish.

Turns out that’s a rare embed as most of the videos from this movie are from a provider that has disabled embeds, so everything else is hyperlinked. But don’t miss the clips!

4:10: AGAIN with the overture to start the movie? What is going on? Anyway, first shot of young, sweet Jeremiah … fresh off the boat, literally, and looking clean cut save his giant chops.

5:10: Heh, heh, he said beaver. There’s his first line. No more than 29 to go!

6:34: Aw, he tried to shoot a deer, missed, and looked so sad! Poor Jeremiah.

7:31: We’re getting increasingly Grizzly here, and he hasn’t even set up camp yet. Also, if that thing he looked at was all that was left of his meat, and he’s a terrible shot, how are he and his horse and ass still alive?

8:15: This movie is honestly almost like sci-fi to me. Like, I get that it might be possible, but I don’t understand it. My four favorite things in the world are my family, my animals, air conditioning and television. Not always in that order. I can’t comprehend on a realistic level this way of living. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

8:34: So, ol J.J. tries his luck at fishing and it doesn’t go well. Then it appears he attempts to just grab a fish with his bare hands while on a snow-covered log or something over a river. That also didn’t go well. So in the middle of winter, in the mountains, with what appear to be 5-foot snowbanks on either side of the river, this idiot decides to just jump in the water in his slacks and jacket and start flailing about. Sure, he grabbed one, but then he dropped it because his hands had probably stopped working from the cold. Sir, may I remind you that we still have no proof you have a residence or a way to dry said clothing aside from a campfire? Egads, man.

Also, he looks a little Mark Hamilly here:

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And this is not the face of a man who is happy to see you scavenging his land for food:

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10:20: He’s literally showing no ill effects from his little river dive. He lit a fire and he’s just camped out under a tree in a howling wind. Of course, as someone who hates being outdoors and despises things like that, that could very well be possible. I’m not an expert! Just seems unlikely.

10:24: HAAHHAHHAA a huge chunk of snow just fell out of the trees on his “fire.” J.J., this might be a sign for you to head on home to wherever you came from, pal.

10:52: What happened to his horse and ass? Did he eat them? Serious question … first four minutes were him and his horses, now nada. Also, probably very sobering when you plop down to shoot some dinner and you see a man frozen to death right in front of you. GO HOME NOW.

11:57: It’s going to take a lot for someone to top Hatchet Jack as my favorite person in this movie, and he spoke even fewer lines than Redford does. I love a man who, while dying, writes a “will” to give his rifle to whomever finds him, talks of the gun’s virtues, and then is like “Anyway, I’m dead. Sincerely, Hatchet Jack.” RIP, H.J.

12:23: NO! BAMBI’S MOTHER. NO. I guess I wanted the “I killed and ate my dinner” to be a lot more abstract? I don’t know. Still sad. Also, he spent like five or six of his lines on Hatchet Jack and his rifle, so I hope it was worth it to him.

13:06: YOU SONUVABITCH YOU KILLED YOUR HORSE. I hate J.J. So much. Selfish SOB, and not even a very good outdoorsman. Didn’t build shelter, just curled up on the ground to sleep. Monster.

13:31: Now he’s asking this donkey/burro/ass/whatever to carry everything alone AND do it in like five feet of snow, while J.J.’s just tromping along on snowshoes. As a 1/16th Cherokee, I can say I’m rooting for the Native Americans in this movie.

14:30: Well now, Bear Claw is making a strong push to pass Hatchet Jack on my likeability scale. He has the benefit of being alive, but also this line: “I know who you are! You’re the same dumb pilgrim that I been hearin’ for twenty days, and smellin’ for three!” Also, Bear Claw looks like he is supposed to be in the Hunger Games or something … though I guess he is?

15:28: And this gem:

Bear Claw: You know how to skin grizz?

J.J.: I can skin most anything.

B.C.: You sure are cocky for a starving pilgrim.

Enjoy it all here, though they’ve disable embeds for this video, so whatever.

16:48: Jesus Christ, B.C. is insane. Just led a damn grizzly into his house (where J.J. was noshing on his hanging meats (not a euphemism)) then jumped out a window and said “Skin that one and I’ll get you another.” He literally just led a bear into his house and left J.J. alone in there with it. Cripes.

22:00: I love that J.J. took B.C.’s words to heart and literally fired his rifle at the elk AS IT RESTED ON HIS HORSE’S BACK. Yeah, that won’t spook him at all, you idiot. How did he survive this long? He should have been a Darwin candidate months ago.

25:35: So his horse died, then he spooked one of B.C.’s horses, who split town. At times it was just B.C.’s horse and J.J.’s donkey. Now he’s on a third horse? Is B.C. just stockpiling horses and giving them away to kindly, terribly prepared strangers?

27:33: So the Crows are basically landlording the land? Like, “We don’t like you being here but if you keep giving us stuff we’ll let it slide?” Weird.

Also, J.J. smokin’ the ol’ peace pipe, if you know what I’m saying …

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28:23: J.J., who has lost 1-2 horses, depending on if this is B.C.’s horse that got spooked or a third one, just stumbled across a home with a woman outside and he lackadaisically loops the lead around a piece of wood. Doesn’t tie it, doesn’t do anything. I hope the horse runs!

28:43: Ummm those people have been scalped. Literally scalped. And I think they’re kids. Is she a teacher, or just a woman with 6 kids? No idea, but this doesn’t look good. GO HOME, J.J. THIS IS NOT IDEALISM, THIS IS TERROR.

32:48: He’s by no means wordy, but he’s said way more than 30 lines of dialogue. Maybe 30 conversations, but way more than 30 lines. I’m happy as I imagined a mostly silent movie of a guy just walking through the woods.

37:45: Everyone in this movie is insane. The mom crazed with grief. Bear Claw. The dude buried up to his neck in sand who’s still cracking jokes because he’s OBVIOUSLY insane.

42:26: Oh no he didn’t! The crazy bald one who just killed the Indians just snuck their scalps onto J.J.’s donkey so he wouldn’t be blamed for it when he’s the one who did it. I hope he gets eaten alive by vultures.

43:37: A few words of advice for J.J.: Maybe don’t rely on the crazy man who just scalped Indians to translate what the angry Indian is telling you. Annnnnnd they just discovered the scalps. Methinks this won’t be a friendly conversation.

46:33: I was kind of wrong? They were allegedly (since I don’t trust crazy man when he’s sober, let alone when he’s drunk) saying they’re impressed with the scalps, so J.J.’s all “Go ahead and keep the skin and hair of your countrymen” like it’s a thing, and then they all start whispering and Drunk Jerk goes, “What are you doing, they were honoring you and you gave them a gift. Now if they can’t find something better for you, it’s an insult” and the chief sends one of his minions out to get the gift and Drunk Jerk starts laughing maniacally.

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And that is the face of someone who’s just been told an Indian chief is gifting you his daughter.

48:04: Which leads to the most romantic wedding ever!

54:27: When starting a marriage, please refer to your wife’s native language as “all that gibberish.” Even though she can’t understand you, the condescension still comes through!

56:44: LISTEN YOU CREEP. Just because you married a chick you’ve never met doesn’t mean you can lift her blanket off her naked body as she sleeps and say “Lord.” GROSS.

58:54: Holy shit, you guys!!1!11! Like literally losing my mind. I have seen this gif 4000000000 times in my life (it’s used a lot on imgur, don’t blame me) and I honest to god, on my mother’s life, always assumed it was some Zach Galifianakis skit from some unseen show.

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ARE YOU HEARING ME? I CONFUSED ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WITH ROBERT REDFORD. FOR LIKE TWO YEARS. Nothing is true any more. This is the most mind-bending thing that has happened to me in … well, ever.

1:00:38: The weird Hallmark-movie type of things like the above gif (god help me, every time I see it I freak out) and his weird face while leaning in the doorway while they build their house seems … out of place? I don’t know. Just weird.

1:01:05: The cute moment where his orphan boy chops a branch off a tree and looks up to him for acceptance was really adorable.

1:02:00: J.J. to the orphan, who he has sent off to bring back “proper food”: “Keep your nose open, there may be Indians abou…” *catches glimpse of wife sitting next to him, sentence trails off*

1:07:42: No. 1, the special effects on this wolf pack fight scene are out of this world. Robert Redford wrestling stuffed animals is everything I never knew I wanted out of life. No. 2, are we surprised at this point that his horse came into danger? It’s kind of what he does. He’s Jeremiah Johnson, and he’s horrible for horses.

1:09:25: Fine, I’m 12, but him asking the orphan boy if he had “beaver scent” the morning after he slept with his wife for what I’m assuming was the first time (hence the beard burn) made me laugh out loud.

1:10:30: HE SHAVED FOR HER. I was going to say “his first redeeming thing” but he did take in the boy when his mom went apeshit crazy, so fine. But good for him.

1:11:41: Oh, cleanshaven Robert Redford, how I’ve missed you. Never leave me again. Even with the floopy hair.

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1:17:00: It’s a movie that last 1:55, and you put an intermission in with like 38 minutes left? WTF, Sydney Pollack?

1:24:13: Wait, they killed his wife and orphan boy because he rode through the burial ground? That seems … slightly unfair to them?

1:27:36: Wait, what? He helps a strange woman bury her children, but he sets his wife and orphan kid ablaze in the house they built? Man … J.J. cracked.

1:29:45: HE JUST RAN AND JUMPED AND KICKED A DUDE OFF THE TOP OF A HORSE. This movie is insanity.

1:36:40: They came back for him, but they only sent one guy and J.J. dispatched of him. PS I’m no longer rooting for the Native Americans after they killed his family as some sort of payback.

1:37:16: And again! I give the Crows this … they don’t give up. But man, you gotta do better than going at him one on one. He took out like eight Crows and they saw him coming!

1:39:43: AND AGAIN with one guy, and they went after the other guy first? Why, guys? Sheesh, at this point you deserve to bite the big one if you’re not even going to try.

1:43:37: There’s a whole montage of him killing Crows who are trying to kill him … wait for it … one by one. Lordy, people.

1:44:08: OH GOD, SOMEONE GOT HIM. He’s still blinking, and there’s like 11 minutes left in the movie, so I don’t think he dies here. But yikes.

1:44:14: The shot from in front of him, with him looking up through his eyebrow, while a shadowy figure moves behind him … that’s the best shot of the movie. So good. It’s around the 1:10 mark in the video above, but it has to pan because it’s not wide screen. But in wide screen, it’s gorgeous.

1:44:55: Well, he shot the guy? But now he has a spear, liver-deep, in his gut. That can’t be good.

1:50:14: Bear Claw’s back? They’re literally living in a giant splay of land and he just keeps running into people he knows? Gah. But I’m glad to have Bear Claw back. The other guy was a poor substitute.

And it ends with him and the Crows making peace. I’m just going to pretend that was a ploy by the Crows, they kept coming at him and he eventually firebombed them just so he could get a good night’s sleep.

I was really pleasantly surprised by this movie. Had I not heard from friends (and the movie sleeve) that he didn’t talk much, it really wouldn’t have struck me as markedly less. Sure, there were long periods of not talking, but that was because of the setting. It’s not like he was mute. Also, I went on a roller-coaster ride with how I felt about J.J. and I think that’s good … no one wants to know the good guy/bad guy right away. Gotta figure it out! But coming in to a movie with Redford as a mountain man, hardly speaking, and it’s classified (at least partly) as a Western? I was not super optimistic. But I actually really liked it.

Next up: History of the World, Part 1!

‘How to Marry a Milloinaire’

October 29, 2016

Stars: Lauren Bacall, Betty Grable, Marilyn Monroe

Rated: NR

Released: 1953

What I “know”: Very little, but that’s some damn star power. Also, I’m VERY excited to have a 95-minute movie, and a comedy. I need this.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In this classic comedy, three New York models (Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable and Lauren Bacall) set up an apartment with a mission: They plan to use their looks, charm and talent to catch and marry a trio of millionaires. The gold-digging dames’ outrageous man-hunting scheme does attract wealthy candidates, but love and money don’t appear to coexist; all three women must choose between the extremes.”

First off, I accidentally typed “god-digging,” which is a totally different movie. Also, this sounds more and more like exactly what I need right now. Super psyched. Double also, I’ve never seen anything with Monroe or Grable in it, and I’ve only seen Bacall in “Casablanca,” which I hated. So I’m double excited.

Trailer!

I try not to watch the trailers any more, as I don’t want things spoiled. But I started this one just to make sure it’s not just labeled wrong and man … they sure liked to advertise the technology and stuff with words. I think I made it 42 seconds in and it was still just words on the screen about Cinemascope. Good luck, y’all!

00:43: So I just learned that that incessant selling of Cinemascope in the trailer was the first scene of the movie (minus the 400 words). just a giant giant GIANT freaking orchestra. I need some zany dames! None of this classy junk.

2:02: Seriously, did I get the wrong disc? Is this just a concert performance? What is happening here?

3:01: Ummmmm… still just an orchestra? No credits, no nothing. Just literally an orchestra.

5:02: This movie is an hour and 35 minutes. That means that SO FAR the first 1/19th of this movie has just been an orchestra. And that 1:35 counts things like the closing credits. I really feel like I should have fast-forwarded by now. If I’d been alive in the ’50s and gone to see this in the theater, I’d be pissed if I could have waited a little longer for fresh popcorn.

5:51: The conductor turned around and bowed. I thought it was over. THEN HE RAISED HIS BATON AGAIN. WTF is even going on in this thing????? Marilyn Monroe better be hiding in a timpani.

6:05: WAIT THAT WAS LEGITIMATELY JUST AN INTRO TO THE CREDITS? Go home, 1953, you’re wasting my life.

6:41: Musical direction is by Alfred Newman. It makes sense now. It’s all an elaborate ruse. Where’s Spy vs. Spy?

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7:12: Finally the movie starts. Egads.

7:46: Ooooh this movie ALSO shows my favorite bridge in Central Park. Not all is forgiven, but some. So pretty!

8:20: If you took the “under” on the 8-minute line for the first bit of dialogue, I’m sorry for your loss.

9:02: The doorknob is in the middle of the door? Is that a thing? Was it a thing? Is that a New York thing? So weird. Nice apartment though. If these chicks can afford this apartment for their scam, they don’t need millionaires.

11:23: Oh, Marilyn. Those are pretty nice glasses. No need to hide your blindness just to catch you a man. After all, as soon as you shake hands with his lamp, he’s going to know you can’t see shit.

12:30: Never mind, don’t wear the glasses. Apparently men will buy your week’s worth of groceries if you’re not wearing glasses.

14:11: “The next thing you’ve got to remember is that a gentleman you meet among the cold cuts is simply not as attractive as, say, one that you meet in the mink department at Bergdorf’s.” No. 1, why is there a whole department for mink? No. 2, I’d be wary of any man hanging about in the mink department. Probably a furry. No. 3, how do three models in NYC not recognize a dude whose last name is on a building?

14:45: I’m just going to type this in verbatim and bite my tongue on what a dolt she is. This is Bacall, or Mrs. Paige (Page? No clue) on her ex-husband: “I was absolutely nuts about that guy and you know what he did to me? First off, he gives me a phony name. Second, it turns out he was already married. Third, from the second the preacher said “Amen,” he never did another tap (?) of work. The next thing I knew he’d stolen my television set and given it to a carhop. And when I asked him how’s about that he hits me with a chicken!” WTF, ladies? I don’t think money is your real problem with men.

15:38: In her defense, I do use more brains in picking horses in races than I do in choosing men. Point, Bacall.

16:37: “Well if you don’t marry him, you haven’t caught him … he’s caught you.” Bacall, pre-feminism. And I present Betty Grable:

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18:32: I feel like Bacall’s the mom and Grable and Monroe are her ditzy Chrissy Snow-like daughters. I guess I shouldn’t expect a 1950s rom-com about gold-diggers to showcase really deep characters, but come on.

20:13: Bacall’s bitching that they’re not engaged after three months, let alone married. Good lord, things moved quickly back then. Also, hard to get engaged if your gentleman caller has nowhere to sit because you’ve had to sell everything from your furnished apartment to buy a loaf of bread.

29:26: God, these women are vapid. I get it, it’s the time and the models and blah blah blah. But I like Grable the best. She’s charming as hell. And it’s good to see that Marilyn Monroe plays understated with her outfit.

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32:30: It oddly cracks me up that Marilyn Monroe’s dream of her wealthy future with her one-eyed husband starts with a gold plane and ends with an Arabian prince just handing her armfuls of jewels.

33:31: HAHAHAHAH Grable’s is a hot sandwich and a beer. I knew I liked her!

35:29: Monroe is rocking some serious stripper heels in this bathing suit modeling gig she’s doing. Clear sole and heel, strappy? Ahead of her time, I say.

37:31: These outfits in this fashion show thing are RIDICULOUS. I hope these aren’t indicative of the times.

45:14: Betty Grable is a petulant child in this scene in the lodge, but I love that she’s a.) walking around all normal until she smells the rum; b.) then decides she’s on death’s door and she has a 102-degree temperature. When I’m at 102, I’m dead to the world.

47:01: Cut back to NYC and some sneaky guy in a cab in the pouring rain with a hat, trenchcoat and sunglasses. He rolls down the window in the back seat, looks out, then gets out the other door … leaving the window down. What a jerk! He’s apparently Mr. Denmark but I don’t remember who that is? The apartment’s owner? I can’t remember. Ah, yes, income tax reference, that’s him.

48:36: So wait, they’re really just subletting and they sold THIS guy’s stuff? That’s some sketchy stuff there, Bacall.

52:02: Bacall is 25 in this movie like I’m 25 now. PS I’m 40. Holy crap, I just googled, and she was only 29. Cripes, she aged QUICKLY. I honestly would have put her in late 30s. Did she not have a “dewy young” stage??

55:28: The special effects in this movie are awesome. They’re “skiing” downhill by standing in front of a moving screen with fans blowing on them. Love it. Also, Grable sure is active for someone with the measles.

56:56: Wait, so she’s better and now he has measles? And the guy said she’d be better in “a couple of weeks?” So they’ve been at this cabin for at least 2-3 weeks, they’ve got a housekeeper of some sort … and this guy’s wife doesn’t care that he’s just gone and sick to death without her? What is even going on in this movie?

58:07: I’m back on Team Grable after her big thing with poor people not disinheriting their kids.

1:00:11: I’m 2/3 of the way through this movie and I’m calling shenanigans on the Netflix sleeve. It said they’d have to choose between love and money … Grable’s ‘poor’ guy owns a crapton of land, Bacall’s ‘poor’ guy has a whole building named after his family and Monroe doesn’t even have a ‘poor’ guy. They’re just choosing between rich and slightly less rich. Also, Bacall’s rich guy dumped her and Grable’s rich guy is married. This whole premise is off!

1:00:55: So Bacall’s rich guy found all the original furniture, months later, like it hadn’t been resold. SHENANIGANS, I TELL YOU.

1:02:35: Monroe’s “rich” boyfriend doesn’t even have one eye? He’s pretending to be blind, and she’s pretending to see. Oh, you crazy kids.

1:0something: “I already think you’re quite a strudel.” Man, the ’50s were weird. (there must be a scratch on my DVD, it skips this scene, so I found it on YouTube). I guess Monroe’s ‘poor’ man is the guy evading the IRS.

Also, I’m a little sad now. Previously, the only time I’d ever seen Marilyn Monroe in a moving picture was her singing Happy Birthday to JFK. Now … I’m just saddened by who she had to be. The breathy, ditzy blonde with the killer figure. Poor Norma Jeane.

1:10:51: “I don’t even own a bush.” Oh, Grable, you chose the Jim Breuer lookalike who lives in a shack.

1:13:20: So Grable’s rich dude has friends willing to pay for telegrams to cover up his cheating? Good friends.

1:17:13: God bless Grable for jumping in the photos and basically ending that dude’s marriage.

1:20:20: I oddly also love that Bacall has sold this guy’s stuff, twice, while she still has all her fancy clothes and fur coats.

1:29:15: Mr. Hanley with my life’s motto: “That’s one of the few advantages of age. Disappointments become a normal part of life.” PREACH.

1:35:19: And, of course, we close with the gotdamn orchestra.

I WISH the movie had been more like the last 20 minutes throughout. I really liked the last 20 minutes as it became more fluid and made more sense. I just couldn’t get into it early and I really hated the women. Well, except for Grable … well, Grable except for her fit at the lodge. The last 20 minutes, though, were gold. I liked the pacing of it, and the interplay in the conversations. Just wish it hadn’t taken so long to get there. I also feel like Mr. Hanley was the best dude in this movie. I’m glad he got out of it with only losing some cash instead of part of his life to Bacall.

More importantly … next up is a return to Robert Redford with “Jeremiah Johnson.” I had never heard of this movie until a friend told me I should watch it when I went full-on Redford fangirl after “The Way We Were,” so here we are.

‘Wuthering Heights’

October 8, 2016

Stars: Laurence Olivier, Merle Oberon

Rated: NR

Released: 1939

What I “know”: If you want a full-on dismissal of the American education system, I have never read this book. I’ve never read any book by any Brontë sister. I’ve never seen any of the associated movies, either. So I’m 100 percent blind going into this. I’ve heard this referenced, but I couldn’t tell you thing one about it. Sorry?

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In director William Wyler’s beautiful adaptation of Emily Brontë’s classic story of passion, hatred and revenge, Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon star as Heathcliff and Cathy, whose tortured love affair ends when Cathy marries the wealthy Edgar.” First off, that’s a REALLY spoiler-filled sleeve, Netflix. Chill out. However, I’m intrigued by “passion, hatred and revenge,” or as I like to call it, the Holy Trinity of All My Relationships.

My real concern, of course, is the language. I assume this is all in like olde English or something. Hoping I’m wrong or it will be like watching an opera and I’ll have to base it on tone and contextual clues.

First, the trailer, because I love old trailers:

1:19: Oh, the house is called Wuthering Heights. That was a major question, tackled early. Well done!

2:05: Either this dude lives here, or people back then didn’t knock on doors. Also, awesome dog! That’s pretty much me every time I come home, minus about 100 pounds worth of dog.

3:15: Whoa, dude. Your dog is barking a guy he doesn’t know, who is in your house talking to your family and friends. Don’t kick your freaking dog for doing his freaking job. You monster. I don’t know who the ol’ grump is, standing in front of the fire, but he can suck it.

3:40: Mrs. Heathcliff? Oh, this is them? I don’t know what Olivier looks like aside from the photo I put at the start of this post, but I didn’t know he had a buttchin.

4:43: Candles sure do give off a lot of ambient light in movies. People walk into a room with a regular ol’ candlestick and suddenly you can see everything but the corners. Meanwhile, I light a giant pillar candle with like five wicks and couldn’t find my remote right next to it if I tried.

5:10: He took the candle from the 147-year-old servant, who is now going to break his hip falling down the stairs in the dark. You’re a real winner, new tenant!

7:15: Why is the owner of the house sleeping on a couch? Old timey people were weird.

7:42: Oh, so that’s him, but that’s not them. That’s his “I can’t have Cathy so I’ll marry this ol’ frumpy instead” wife. Got it. Also, I love that new tenant pulled and pulled on the window with no luck, and Heathcliff opens it without a struggle. It must only be able to be unlocked by tortured memories of a past love.

8:17: So, my favorite movie of all time EVER all time is “Gone With the Wind,” also released in 1939. Getting some serious flashbacks just from the styling and the music and the camera work.

9:42: New tenant: “Sure, I just heard a woman’s voice and saw her shape and felt something touch me and heard her say her name was Cathy, but I don’t believe in ghosts so nope.” Matt Drudge: “Sure, 1 million people are without power because of Hurricane Matthew, but I don’t believe in hurricanes so nope.” A willingness to change one’s opinions in the face of your actual experiences is just weird, y’all.

10:11: Uh, Heathcliff needs a new 132-year-old servant lady if this one’s just going to start gossiping about his love life to a guy she’s spoken 20 words to.

12:07: Cathy’s dad just referred to his newly-acquired street urchin as an “it.” WTF?

12:55: “Oh, no, don’t make me ashamed of you, Cathy.” That actually is awesome, even if he’s a dick to the poor as well. Snobby little girl calling the homeless kid “dirty.”

13:10: WAIT SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER ADOPTED HOMELESS STEPBROTHER? They left “familial relations” out of the keywords on the sleeve.

16:03: “Oh, Heathcliff, you’re so handsome when you smile.” Cathy has no chill.

18:35: Older brother can also chill out a little. Your dad’s dead, so you don’t have to compete with Heathcliff for his love any more. Don’t be such a jerk all the time, you spoiled rotten little jackass.

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“Yeah, you can be mean to me now, but I’m going to pay you back by destroying your sister’s heart and making mad, passionate love to her. VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE.”

20:06: Oh good, the older brother grows up to be an asshole and a drunkard. Winning!

21:55: “You’ll hoping I fall on the road and break my neck, aren’t you? Aren’t you?” Uh, we all are.

26:00: They’re trespassing and spying and Heathcliff is realizing that his dear Cathy wants all the trappings of wealth, and him … not so much. But the heart wants what it wants!

26:30: A dog that size grabs her bare ankle and she’s just going to be able to keep holding on to the wall? Doubtful. Come on, 1939 moviemakers … realism!

28:00: “Run away, bring me back the world.” Oh, Cathy, you dreamer you.

29:29: So she hooks up with the rich guy with the house and the dancing, comes home to flaunt it to her family after “some happy weeks” and it never occurred to her that maybe Heathcliff hadn’t run away to bring her back the world? Yikes, Cathy, buy a clue.

29:33: “Great talk of lying in a lake of fire without you and how he had to see you to live.” Trade THAT in for the money, you selfish wench.

30:31: GOD she is a bitch. Don’t treat him how your brother treated him just because you got all fancied up in a BORROWED dress. Yeesh.

30:59: She’s like the more common-looking Scarlett O’Hara, willing to trade in everything for whoever can give her the most money and things. Boooooo.

31:31: Phew. She’s standing up for him now, but it’s behind his back. She was still horrible to him to his face.

38:48: I feel Cathy may be bipolar. Just putting that out there. She doesn’t do coquettish as well as Scarlett, though.

39:15: “You’ll never love him, but you’ll let yourself be loved because it pleases your stupid, greedy vanity.” You go, Heathcliff.

41:12: So filled with self-loathing over a psycho woman that he punches out two windows and now his bed will be soaked with rain. You gotta think these things through, man. Love is such a horrible thing.

And here’s Cathy being the coldest bitch in history:

45:31: So Crazy Cathy just said “I am Heathcliff” to the ancient servant lady and then lightning flashes behind her. I feel like Cathy isn’t even playing with a half deck at this point, let alone a full deck.

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47:34: She goes running out to their “castle” in a driving rainstorm in that heavy-ass dress, getting it soaked and muddy. He was already long gone, she should have taken the 10 minutes to put on something else. Why have two losses in one day?

50:04: So her rich husband-to-be finds her on a cliffside, they give her something to drink, she says “Heathcliff” and then the doctor tells her in a month she’ll be feeling better. A month? For spending four hours in the rain? Damn, medicine, step up YOUR game.

53:01: Rich people just have peacocks running around their properties??

54:01: Dearest Crazy Cathy, a “feeling of doom” as you leave the church with your new husband is probably not the best sign in the world for your ongoing happiness.

58:16: Man, Edgar is thick. If her ex-lover/brother shows up wanting to see her and she doesn’t WANT to see him, there’s probably a reason. Don’t be all “Don’t worry about ME, love, I’ll be fine!” Especially if he’s gone out and made something of himself because that’s the only thing you had up on him in her eyes. Be happy she cares enough to try to save your stupid loveless marriage.

1:01:29: “It occurs to me that I have not congratulated you on your marriage. I’ve often thought of it.” *Cathy shifts her eyes down* Oh, Heathcliff, you sly dog.

1:02:30: Every time I watch one of these movies, I know how horribly uncomfortable the dresses must have been, and how hard they were to get in and out of, and how it probably took an hour to put them on and take them off. But I’ll be damned if I don’t want to flounce out of a room in one, just once. Or forever. Like how I feel about late ’50s, early ’60s fashion.

1:08:28: So Heathcliff’s going to hook up with his sister’s sister-in-law? People back then needed to get out of the house and meet more people.

1:09:45: Wait, Laurence Olivier married Scarlett O’Hara? Like in real life? And he was married to his first wife and she was married too when they started their affair? What is happening? I mean, it makes sense, they were big stars and both English, but I had no idea. I also learned from that link that he hated Oberon. Good acting, then, I guess?

1:23:31: Welp, Edgar finally figured it out. You could see his face go from, “Good, my wife agrees my sister shouldn’t marry my brother,” to “I wonder why she’s so fired up about this, she’s not protecting a poor, frail woman,” to “Holy shit, she’s in love with him.” Poor cuckolded Edgar.

1:24:13: HAHAHAAHAHAH the doctor just told Drunk Brother he should hit himself over the head with a hammer so he can achieve the same level of unconsciousness as he does from the drinking without all the wear and tear on the kidneys.

1:25:41: “If Cathy died, I might begin to live.” Man, I’m glad I’m not the only one who hates Cathy … but I hate to break it to Isabella that that’s not going to change Heathcliff’s feelings or behaviors. Sorry, lady, he’s smitten with the crazy.

1:36:04: “You wandered off like a wanton, greedy child, to break your heart and mine.” That’s it. That’s the movie.

1:38:33: Did they direct her for this final scene as “open your eyes as wide as they’ll go, talk like a crazy person and look more and more insane with every single word you speak?” Because if so, man, she nailed it.

Well that was a weird ending. He went out to their castle, met up with her ghost, then died? Random.

I appreciate this movie for the epic it is, but it also pissed me off. Two people (well, mostly one, but also the other later on) throwing love away with both hands. As someone who, at 40, spends her Friday night watching a 77-year-old movie because she couldn’t get a date if she tried, that just pisses me off. Like, honest to god pisses me off. If you are lucky enough to love someone who loves you, you love them with all you have, forever. I get that society and the time meant women were to marry men who could take care of them, blah blah blah. But it killed her, it drove him mad, and it made me hate both of them by the end of the movie. You fight for love, goddammit, because some of us would if we could.

Next up: Vertigo!

‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’

September 26, 2016

Stars: Richard Dreyfuss, Teri Garr, Francois Truffaut

Rated: PG

Released: 1977

What I “know”: It’s about aliens? Or at least a spaceship. No clue. I don’t know what the third kind means, or how many kinds there are. I have so many questions. But I like Richard Dreyfuss, so we’ll see how many he can answer.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Richard Dreyfuss still shines as Roy Neary, a cable worker who investigates a power outage and encounters a mysterious light from above. Teri Garr and beloved French auteur Francois Truffaut co-star.” Well, I actually didn’t learn anything from this sleeve, which is actually a good thing. No spoilers yet! P.S. I have no idea who Francois Truffaut is, but I’ve now typed his name three times, so let’s hope he’s worth the effort.

1:35: Well that’s some very menacing music to start out. Did this thing win an Oscar for sound or anything? Answer: Google tells me it won for “sound effects editing” which is not the same thing, but still good for Frank E. Warner, apparently.

2:45: OK, so guys climb out of a jeep in “modern day” Mexico and after seeing the guy at the gate, I gotta tell you, the dental care in Mexico in 1977 was not fantastic.

4:01: I have no idea what is happening in this movie. They’re in Mexico, talking to a French guy, in a sandstorm, and then someone runs up and says “THEY’RE ALL THERE. ALL OF THEM.” and they all take off. I spend most of my life confused, so it’s not an unusual feeling, but a movie generally take a little longer to just … be weird?

4:40: Oh, planes. I guess to go up and look for the aliens? I don’t know. But if they’re doing safety checks on these things, they’re not being very thorough. Quick once-over, then they all just start climbing up on them. Godspeed, gentlemen.

5:24: So all of these planes have been missing for 30 years (Jesus Christ, when this movie was made, they were closer to 1945 than we are to 1977. That’s just jarring, as someone who was born in 1976) and they just showed up, together, in some Mexican junkyard? WHAT IS HAPPENING? This isn’t Richard Dreyfuss finding a power outage. I now wish the sleeve had been a LITTLE more spoiler-y.

5:40: The mapmaking translator just said “I don’t understand!” and I just said, out loud, alone save my pets, “I feel you, bro.”

9:38: I do not have the disposition, attention span, focus or dedication required to work in air traffic control. That is finalized after seeing that scene where all four of them were talking in like a one-square-foot area in three different conversations. Nope.

11:43: Those cymbal-clanging monkey toys always freaked me out. Now I know why. And man, I can’t imagine just letting a kid sleep with his window wide open like that. Sign of the times, I guess.

11:50: RUN AWAY NOW, KID. DON’T JUST SIT THERE AND WATCH YOUR TOYS COME TO LIFE.

13:00: OK, this scene is way less cute than when E.T. was in the fridge.

14:35: On what planet is a mom woken up by toys, finds her kid out of his bedroom, then calmly walks over to her window instead of screaming and looking through the house, then sees him outside for no reason and is just like “Barry?” Then watches him run away.Terrible mother.

15:47: Here’s how flighty I am: The guy tells Dreyfuss to get to the Gilmore substation and I instantly think, “God I could be watching Gilmore Girls for the third time right now.” My friend is actually watching it for the first time and texting me throughout and I want nothing more than to go watch Luke and Lorelai date and kiss and the horoscope and dance and fight and make up and oh yeah, there’s a movie. Sorry.

But wait, first this (pardon the subtitles):

(That’s two Gilmore embeds in six movie reviews. I might have an issue. Then again, they did a LOT of pop culture references so there may be more. No promises.)

18:05: Oh, NOW the mom is yelling his name. Good work, mom. By the time you have to put on shoes and grab a flashlight and wander through the woods, you’ve already failed.

19:11: Dreyfuss yelling out “TURKEY!” then driving off while still holding his map up in front of his face with two hands is amazing. Pretty sure that counts as distracted driving.

20:01: Uh, I think he’d notice if those super bright lights were behind him and then disappeared and never passed him. Levitating cars still aren’t a thing, because “Back to the Future” is a bunch of lies.

20:20: OK, so first it was like electronic things that were affected and now it’s just anything metal? Those mailboxes aren’t supposed to do that.

21:06: I think Dreyfuss’s “aw, shit” is the most understated reaction possible in that situation. You’re levitating, your trucks getting sucked up, everything around you is going to hell and he’s all “Well, poop.”

22:22: Look, I know shock is a thing. I was in shock once. Looking back, my reactions to a situation were WAY improper and out of character. But I can’t ever imagine a situation where I look up in the sky and see a VERY stereotypical UFO and just kind of … watch it.

22:43: BUT HE SCREAMS AT A FLASHLIGHT? Get a grip, Dreyfuss. Methinks you’ve got a few bigger things to worry about.

24:33: OK, there’s a weird dude in a flannel shirt whistling and a truck full of orphans when little Barry comes jogging up a deserted road? This feels like the bear scene in “The Shining.” My first real, actual, “What the eff is that doing there?” moment.

25:31: Um, spaceships do drive-bys?

25:55: “This is nuts.” I’m telling you, Dreyfuss is the king of understatement. How is EVERYONE not just pooping their pants right now?

26:51: God bless the toll man, trying to get his quarters from the cops after getting buzzed by some flying things.

27:04: I just laughed my ass off at the cop straight up driving off the side of the road chasing the flying things that aren’t bound by things like roads and fences and gravity. RIP, stupid cop.

28:47: And my second laugh-out-loud moment … the little girl sleeping ass up in bed.

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29:34: “Hey, I just saw aliens. I’m going to drive my whole family right to them!” — no one but Dreyfuss ever.

31:08: DAMMIT NEWSPAPER. “UFO’s” is not the plural of UFO. Come on, now. And then Teri Garr cuts it out and crumples it up so that, what? Dreyfuss will forget it happened? Yeesh.

34:45: Apparently “being bathed in alien light” is not an excusable work absence. I’ll file that away.

37:56: If there are ever reports of alien ships being visible, I will NOT be one of the ones outside waiting to see them. Trust.

39:50: Wait, now we’re in India? This is like a less cohesive “Pulp Fiction.”

45:00: Oh, globes. Does anyone have a globe any more? I always liked globes like in elementary school; spin it real fast, put your finger down and that’s where you’d live someday. Mine never worked out well, though. Maybe it’s good they’re gone.

46:56: So, aliens like mountainscapes and simple melodies. Got it.

47:27: A.) Barry is a creepy-looking little kid. I said it. Most kids are creepy looking, but he’s raising the bar. B.) When his mom goes outside to throw out all the mountainscapes she’s been drawing (and I’m sure doesn’t know WHY that’s what she’s drawing, he manages to basically lick the entirety of the bottom of his face while staring at her out the window. Then she hears giggling, turns back around, and he’s gnawing on his fingers like me with Papa John’s breadsticks. Weird, weird kid.

50:49: I said, out loud, ‘Oh HELL no’ at the sight of the screw loosening on the floor grate.

51:24: I swear, my inability to understand children under 4 or 5 years old never seemed like that much of an issue. I always had their mothers around where I could just “oh really?” and then look at them and they’ll say “She likes unicorns” or something, then I could follow up. But I have no idea what this little freak is yammering on about.

51:32: I’d like a self-propelled vacuum, please. And yes, I know about Roombas, but I don’t want to spend $400 on one. Just one of these 1970s uprights that will zoom around and clean for me.

52:22: She literally just let her kid crawl out the doggy door because she’s too freaked out. Called it pretty early: Terrible mom.

52:40: OMG, the weird box thing that opened up and spurted water was a dishwasher? How did you people live back then?

55:16: “Excuse me, sir, but I didn’t want to see this.” Your behavior after that somewhat betrays that thought, Dreyfuss.

56:30: What I’m taking from this, as with most things involving governmental agencies, is not to trust what the government tells you. Sometimes it’s too protect vital information, sometimes it’s to cover their own asses and sometimes it’s for public safety. But … it’s almost never the whole truth.

57:25: Loving the matching red sateen onesies on this band of marauders who just bussed in and out.

58:58: Apparently, don’t trust Piggly Wiggly or Baskin-Robbins either!

1:03:28: Methinks Dreyfuss needs to talk to someone and not use his kids as his therapist to work this out. Just putting that out there.

1:06:54: Holy shit, Dreyfuss. Stop throwing plants and dirt into your kitchen. You know, I never really wanted to encounter aliens before (aside from The Doctor, but that’s a different story all together) but now I really don’t. I feel like my crazy level is way too high to be let out.

1:09:00: This whole meltdown scene is crazy uncomfortable, but his “I’m perfectly fine” is truly frightening.

1:09:38: If I know nothing from my time at ESPN, those birds would be attacking the hell out of everyone in a 50-foot radius. Sure, those were Canadian geese, but those things were a hazard.

1:12:00: Holy shit, Dreyfuss! Look, I assume that seeing a UFO and being bathed in its light and all that could affect someone, I get that. But this dude needs to be institutionalized, like freaking yesterday.

1:12:55: I wanted to revisit my snark from his earlier “I didn’t want to see this.” I was referencing him then going out looking for the ships. But now I get it.

1:14:23: LOOK TO YOUR LEFT, DREYFUSS, LOOK AT THE TV. Cripes. The Devil’s Tower stuff is RIGHT THERE. Now get on the road!

1:15:25: There we go. I hope him and Terrible Mom get there and realize they’re soulmates and poor Teri Garr gets to end her suffering and go marry Michael Keaton.

1:17:20: CARL WEATHERS. Apollo Creed is on the case!

1:19:07: SOULMATES.

1:31:11: I think French guy said “It’s an event psychological.” Between the kid and the French guy, this is tough. Not “A Clockwork Orange” tough to understand, but you know.

1:32:00: They just ran through a military base, passed like 50 people, and they get through without even a tackle attempt? Shenanigans.

1:37:27: “They’re just cropdusting!” Oh, Murray, you were unimportant anyway. Enjoy your slumber and your splitting headache.

1:42:05: Apparently all they needed was a runway? That’s how you lure the aliens in?

1:42:45: They look like floating muppet heads!!

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1:45:00: They’re all high-fiving for playing music and making one do flips? Premature, fellas. Premature.

1:48:12: OK, huge dork alert, but all the ships coming in reminded me of the Stonehenge/Pandorica scene of Doctor Who. Also a good excuse to post some Matt Smith, so here.

1:49:45: I know I said the whole “soulmates” thing earlier and all that, but screw Dreyfuss for kissing another woman. Respect your vows, sir!

1:53:16: Re: the guy running to hide in the Port-a-Potty … is that really where you want your last minutes to be? Also, why are there Port-a-Pottys? They built that whole thing on top of a landmark and they didn’t install running water or waste elimination? Poor planning, engineers.

1:56:43: So this “communication” is the engineer version of dueling banjos, right? This leads to the probing?

1:57:05: I lied. This is more like Simon. Man, I was good at Simon, until it got to about 9 or 10. Then I was complete crap.

1:57:37: They literally have no idea what they’re saying. What if what they’re saying is like “Eff you, aliens?” I have many concerns about mimicking alien beings in tonal ways without any understanding of if you’re ramping up the tension.

1:58:04: Well, now the spaceship is just doing the Jaws theme. You should recognize that, Dreyfuss.

2:01:13: Being captured in a spaceship for decades really does wonders for the aging process. I’d consider it.

2:01:34: THEY TOOK A DOG? THOSE MONSTERS. And dammit, the weird kid is back.

2:03:55: Finally Terrible Mom did something right. The ship opens a second time and she heads away from it. Good for you, lady!

2:04:36: Wait, the alien is a stick insect? I wish they hadn’t shown them at all … scarier not knowing what’s inside.

2:04:56: Nope, not a stick insect. Jack Skellington.

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2:08:35: OK, I am not even kidding, it took me until RIGHT NOW to realize that Terrible Mom is “A Christmas Story” mom! It’s the part where she’s like wiping her tears and looking mournfully. Jeebus, I feel stupid.

2:10:29: So they haven’t even debriefed the other dudes … they could all be clones, or tragically affected … and they’re just like “Let’s let this schmoe go up with them with no training and no preparation.” Yeesh.

Godspeed, Dreyfuss. I will point out they kept the other dudes for decades but had Weird Kid for like two weeks and were all “We gotta take this one back.” I was told that the special effects would be jarring, watching a 1970s movie after the visual spectacles we have taken for granted now, and they really weren’t .. until the end. The actual spaceship scenes were actually pretty amazingly done, IMO. As for the movie itself … I never really got into it. This was probably my least favorite of the ones I’ve seen, but I thought both Dreyfuss and Truffaut were great. Teri Garr was criminally underused. The ending just felt rushed to me, and there were some questions I had like “So if they were cropdusting with the sleepy powder, why wouldn’t everyone on that platform get some effect of it? Wind exists, you know.” But minor quibbles, really. I can see why this movie was a thing, but it just didn’t connect with me on any sort of level, which is why I finished this 9 days after starting to watch it. I watched it in four segments because I just couldn’t get into it … probably a Catch 22.

Next up: “Roman Holiday!”

‘A River Runs Through It’

September 5, 2016

The movie: “A River Runs Through It”

Stars: Brad Pitt, Craig Sheffer, Tom Skerritt

Rated: PG

Released: 1992

What I “know”: I get this one and “Legends of the Fall” confused, because I’ve never seen either. This one has to do with flyfishing, based on the image search. I THINK it’s old-timey but maybe they just live in the middle of nowhere where real clothes haven’t reached yet. Side note: I’ve had a thing for Tom Skerritt since “Space Camp” so there’s that.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: Two fly-fishing brothers, straitlaced scholar Norman (Sheffer) and trouble-finding gambler Paul (Pitt), struggle to mollify their Presbyterian preacher father’s (Skerritt) lofty moral — and fishing — standards. Director Robert Redford’s Oscar-winning, nostalgic meditation about the fierce bonds that unite and divide families is set in Montana in the early 1900s. Emily Lloyd, Stephen Shellen and Brenda Blethyn co-star.

I was right about the fly-fishing AND the old-timey! Also, I promise my whole list isn’t related to Redford. Yet. Is Brad Pitt always the ne’er-do-well? I think so. I do love me some family strife, though, so here we go.

01:28: This movie is going to be gorgeous, isn’t it? I love a good, gorgeous movie.

01:33: Missoula, Montana? I have enough friends who either live there or have lived there to KNOW this is going to be a gorgeous movie.

02:10: I’ve never seen Edie McClurg in a serious role. You all can keep her as Grace in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” She’ll always be the bratty girl’s mom on “Small Wonder” to me. Harriet was the WORST.

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03:33: Holy cow, that’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

04:34: I love you, Tom Skeritt, but sometimes water is just water and not “the words of God.”

05:55: “If he had his way, nobody who did not know how to catch a fish would be able to disgrace a fish by catching it.” Well, that’s just a mess of a sentence right there. But I like the thought behind it.

07:28: The Young Pitt looks so much like Opie Taylor it’s kind of freaking me out.

07:54: Yeah, this movie is gorgeous.

09:55: Young Pitt doing his little hip-waggle for the prostitutes just cracked my shit up.

11:18: I really hope there’s a softening of Skerritt somewhere in this movie. I am not a big fan of the totalitarian fathers.

15:32: Brad Pitt jumps off the roof into a roll; Craig Sheffer walks over and shimmies down a corner of the house. Talk about beating you over the head with their differences.

17:44: I swear, if they get in this boat and try to “shoot the chutes,” I hope they all die. Because if the two brothers live and their friends die, I will wish them ill will the rest of this movie. Trust. And since I know the brothers survive, I can only hope they don’t get in the stupid boat.

18:52: Dammit, they got in the boat. But it’s just the two of them. So now I hope they either bail on it, or they suffer horrifically painful injuries that don’t impact their future quality of life.

19:54: Of course, they hit the first big rock they see. This is a terrible idea, boys.

22:15: That isn’t much time for them to have crashed the boat, ended up on the shore, climbed a much higher elevation, hidden and then jumped on one of the dudes. Also, Norman is REALLY rethinking this “I’ve got my brother’s back” thing he’s got going on … as he should be. Stupid is as stupid does, folks.

23:09: Old Minister Skerritt says, “Boys, what have you done?” I’m guessing there’s a lot more that they’ve done that you don’t know about and shouldn’t know about. Also, this is the very embodiment of disappointment:

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24:31: I very much do not like Brad Pitt. Not in this movie, and not in any movie. He just rubs me the wrong way every time I see him. That whole thing right there will cocking up his brother’s sandwich just because it’s “funny” is making me irrationally angry. I hope Norman kicks his ass for every time some asshole thinks he’s funnier than he is just because he’s stupid.

24:40: And now his mom’s on the ground. BRAD PITT IS THE WORST.

25:27: “That was the only time we ever fought.” Damn shame about it, too.

25:33: “If boyhood questions aren’t answered before a certain point, they can’t be raised again.” That’s some BS. A LOT of people are still fighting childhood fights. Come on, Macleans. Put on the gloves!

27:32: Tom Skerritt wins the “fish” measuring contest, as I assumed. And then was super cocky about it. That I love.

30:28: My two favorite quick shots of the movie so far: Norman’s face as he sees those mountains again, and Old Minister Skerritt starting to wave, then catching himself and instead grasping his hands together so as not to show any emotion.

45:01: Poor Norman. That’s what you get when you try to big-time people from your old area. You stick your foot in your mouth. Don’t brag about the “colored” jazz you heard in NYC, son. Montana ain’t got no time for that. And you get looks like this (fortuitous pausing):

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45:10: Wait, that’s all it takes? The guy who just big-timed you, and insulted your mother’s favorite group, takes your drink back, takes four steps back, then re-offers you the drink and asks you to dance? Man, you ARE easy, Jessie Burns.

47:50: So he calls her later, she has NO idea who she is among the 4000 men she flirted with that night, and he follows up with “You’re so je nais se quoi?” “You’re so that something special?” What the HELL, Norman? You are terrible at this. And yet, it inexplicably keeps working.

49:45: House rules include “No Injuns?” Considering your “house” is an illegal speakeasy, maybe don’t be such a stickler for rules when someone who loves to mess stuff up as much as Pitt walks in.

53:12: Jessie’s totally going to bang Paul, isn’t she? Gross.

56:04: Dammmmmn Norman got game when he writes it out. Speaking, he’s not so great at. I guess that book learnin’ off East paid off!

1:03:40: “They were Methodists, a denomination my father always referred to as ‘Baptists who could read.'” Man, fights between religious types is always funny to me. Oooh the aforementioned Edie McClurg is Jessie’s mom!

1:06:48: Annnnnnd Neal is the villain. Famdamily, a weird look in the mirror to fix his hair, then he HITS THE DOG. You and me, pal, we ain’t friends.

1:07:03: Old Minister Skerritt can look down on Methodists all he wants, but their family gatherings are a lot more fun.

1:10:16: Talking about the ridden hard, put up wet former beauty queen at the bar shack, “There must have been a hardship in her new profession” is the nicest possible way to say “ridden hard, put up wet.”

1:10:35: OK, now i’m having flashbacks. I feel like someone once posted this one part of this scene (the part about otters) in response to something I’d written about otters. No idea who did it, but this feels oddly familiar. Weird.

1:18:29: What a piece of shit Neal is.

1:20:00: And what a piece of shit Jessie is too. Stupid Methodists. (Full disclosure: My grandmother was a Methodist and any time I went to church it was a Methodist church. So that line is a joke)

1:26:02: OK, I’ll say it: I don’t get fly-fishing humor, but Old Minister Skerritt sure does!

1:27:00: I REALLY like Brenda Blethyn as the mom in this. She’s just so expressive and wonderful.

1:27:26: “I understand he’s changed the spelling of our name. MacLean, with a capital L. Now everyone will think we’re lowland Scots.” I don’t know why but that made me giggle out loud.

1:30:06: OK it doesn’t make up for the dog-hitting or the tramp-sleeping, but Neal trying to do right by Norman on his way out of town was nice. Kind of an “He’s OK” to the rest of the family. Good for that.

1:36:48: Norman looks a lot like Steve Rannazzisi from certain angles. If you don’t know him by name, you’d probably know his face. From “The League” and also from LYING ABOUT BEING IN THE TWIN TOWERS ON 9/11.

1:47:43: Well this is the saddest AND most self-aware clip in the whole movie.

1:53:02: No. Nope. This isn’t happening. Why is he walking into the house alone? No.

1:53:15: Dammit. Young and stupid is no way to go through life. Dammit, Paul, you pissed off the wrong people. Gambling is bad. Yeesh. This is a gutpunch. “Nearly all the bones in his hand were broken.” At least he went down fighting? I don’t even know any more. Get out, Norman. Don’t let this stop you.

1:56:10: What cute babies he and Jessie made.

1:56:53: “We can love completely, without complete understanding.” Well, that’s just beautiful.

This movie hit me much harder than I expected, even halfway through. I’m more emotional today because my mom left after a four-day visit, and I’m always more emotional when I say goodbye to one or both of them, whether I leave them or they leave me. My mom’s 66 and she’s getting older. She’s not old, by any stretch … we did a lot of walking on this trip and she more than kept up. But she’s a little slower going down steps and she’s a little slower to get up from sitting. And anything that makes me think of losing her destroys me. So I’m sitting here on my couch, tears rolling down both cheeks, and thinking about family and life and love. I don’t know exactly when I got pulled into this movie … it snuck up on me. At some point, I went from thinking “look at all these terrible decisions” to “everyone makes the wrong choice sometimes” without even realizing it until it was too late and I was in it. This is the most affected I’ve been, of my five movies so far. I’m glad the next one is sci-fi so I can stop feeling for a while.

 

‘All the President’s Men’ … A love letter to journalism

August 27, 2016
Dustin Hoffman, Robert Redford, Jason Robards, Jack Warden .... The casting director was not messing around.

The movie: All the President’s Men

Stars: Dustin Hoffman, Robert Redford, Jason Robards, Jack Warden

Rated: PG

Released: 1976

What I “know”: A little more than most movies, but I’ll explain that below. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein and the WaPo basically destroy a President.

What I know after reading the DVD case: (Yeah, I bought this one because Netflix had it as a “long wait” and I figured journalism + Redford makes me happy) In the Watergate Building, lights go on and four burglars are caught in the act. That night triggered revelations that drove a U.S. President from office. Washington reporters Bob Woodward (Robert Redford) and Carl Bernstein (Dustin Hoffman) grabbed the story and stayed with it through doubts, denials and discouragement. All the President’s Men is their story. Directed by Alan J. Pakula and based on the Woodward/Bernstein book, the film won four 1976 Academy Awards. It also explores a working newspaper, where the mission is to get the story — and get it right.

So, spoiler, I’ve worked in newsrooms of one type or another for essentially my entire adult life. However, by the time I got into the business, in 1999, most newsrooms were already slowly starting to creep backward from the heaving masses of humanity they once were. But I’ll tell you, if you’ve never been in one: Being on a newspaper desk, at night, nearing deadline is an intoxication and rush that’s very hard to reproduce. And it’s every day. And it’s filled with dark humor and sarcasm and people busting their butt to do what they can to get the paper out. It’s different online, as every minute is deadline so it’s both more pressure and less at the same time. But who I am is ABSOLUTELY colored by the business I chose and the people I have been blessed to know. Journalists are the best. So this is going to probably be much more a newspaper movie to me than a politics movie.

Also, good call to the main guys involved for going for “Woodward and Bernstein” over “Bob and Carl.” Bob and Carl are the guys hanging out in the Walmart parking lot complaining about their wives and Obama.

Oh, and one more thing: I’m TERRIBLE at history. It’s not my thing. I was born the year this came out, and I obviously wasn’t alive for Watergate, so I know only very surface things about it. So some of my revelations during this movie might seem stupid to any of you. Deal with it.

00:33: Want to know how to pull at my heartstrings? Start with a closeup of a typewriter hard at work.

01:15: The President’s helicopter looked like a flying VW bus.

06:50: Man, that guy who couldn’t keep his head down is the reason this all fell apart. They weren’t looking under desks or anything, just flipping on lights. Split up, hide, and keep your heads down until the lights go back off. Simple stuff, fellas.

10:30: Look, Mr. Marcum, you’ve got Robert Redford trailing you through a courthouse. Don’t act like it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

13:55: Corded phones! Legal pads and pens! Reporting in the 70’s, folks.

18:30: I warned you guys, but I’m getting all googly over the cold calls and the sketches and the doodles and the scribbles and the notepad and the information and aaaaaggggghhhhh I love reporters.

25:20: Cigarettes! Typewriters! This is amazing.

28:36: Never trust a librarian. They will lie to you as soon as they’ll help you use the Dewey Decimal System (time reference!). You would think that people who worked for the White House communications office would have better detecting skills than “she says she never talked to the guy who sits 5 feet away from you and has taken notes.”

30:14: Them, going through all those boxes of request slips? Just sitting there, doing the grunt work? THAT’S what’s missing from these days of “hot takes” and Tweets and instant gratification. The factual background for anything.

40:53: “Just … follow the money.” Always a good lesson. Oh, Deep Throat, you are a delight already.

42:43: Dustin Hoffman’s hair is a revelation.

dustin-hoffman-hair-presidents-men

Dustin Hoffman’s hair isn’t here for your crap.

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Two glorious heads of hair.

47:05: So while I’ve been all-in on the tech o’ the times, I totally just was like “How hard can it be to find someone? Look them up onl…oh yeah” when they cut to Redford going through like 27 phone books. Man, you guys had it tough.

52:50: I think we’ve all had that moment where we look like Redford when he gets the connection he’s been looking for.

1:06:16: Stop me if I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m in LOVE with their reporting. Working through it, getting seconds and thirds and locking stuff down. I’m weak.

1:20:00: Rule of journalism: If you shut up, people WANT to talk. That woman had her guard up and then it just all came out. Man, she really hates Mitchell.

1:22:09: “You’re both paranoid. She’s afraid of John Mitchell, and you’re afraid of Walter Cronkite.”

1:47:05: I’d meet Robert Redford in a dark parking garage. I’m just putting that out there. Even now, at 80.

OK so I kind of bailed on blogging the end of the movie because I got totally sucked into the reporting. Sue me. As I assumed, I was much more into the journalism angle. Bless Woodward and Bernstein. I bought the book on Amazon at the same time I bought this movie, and I’m 98 percent sure I’ll start reading it tomorrow. Well, today, since it’s 3 a.m.

I miss journalism.

‘The Way We Were’: Mismatched and stubborn

August 14, 2016

The movie: “The Way We Were”

Stars: Barbra Streisand, Robert Redford

Rated: PG

Released: 1973

What I “know”: To be honest, I didn’t even remember Redford was in this, so I’m hardly an expert. All of my knowledge comes from “Gilmore Girls,” tbh. As Lorelai and Rory told me, it has “heartache, laughter, communism, all in one neat package.” So that’s promising. I also know from Lorelai that apparently Redford is married with a kid, and that Dean (you suck, Dean) never saw it.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Sociopolitical opposites attract in director Sydney Pollack’s wistful, Oscar-winning tearjerker about an outspoken political crusader named Katie Morosky (Barbra Streisand) who finds herself drawn to glib golden boy Hubbell Gardner (Robert Redford). Despite their differences, the improbably couple eventually ties the knot, but a move to Tinseltown and the firestorm surrounding the 1950s blacklist unravel the marriage.” First off, I’m not sure I’ll ever buy Barbra as someone named “Katie,” and I’m sure as hell not believing ANYONE is named “Hubbell.” However, I am glad to find out that this isn’t some affair story and that telescope guy (yes, I know it’s a different spelling, deal) isn’t married with a kid when they meet.

Let’s do this.

00:35: Oooh it’s the gorgeous stone bridge in Central Park. Good way to start the movie. I love that bridge.

00:50: Barbra is all kinds of jaunty in her cute dress and sensible shoes! Her hair is floating, I love it.

IMG_20160813_203701933

01:35: And clothes aside, a big “yep, this is set in the past” moment … a dude just strolled into their sound recording puffing on a cigarette. Oh, the 1940s.

01:57: He just took off his hat and I said “holy s*** is that Stanley Zbornak?” and a quick Google search proves me right. Man, my “Golden Girls” obsession might be reaching a fever pitch (says the girl who bought this in a t-shirt and wears it proudly):

dorothy

03:05: Cute outfits AND a club done up in zebra print? Sign me up.

03:18: AND HENRY FROM “PUNKY BREWSTER?” Man, this movie is lining up my favorites.

04:19: Jesus, Redford does look good in a uniform. Or did in the 70s. Probably less so now. But yowza.

06:38: I’m 98 percent sure that “Katie” in present times would be a Tumblr feminist. I’m also not, in any way, buying Redford as a college-age kid.

11:04: NO ONE is getting that many people to a peace rally, and NO ONE is turning the hecklers that quickly. I call shenanigans!

13:00: Man, Katie is the Girl who Cried “FASCIST.”

15:30: I have never used the word “simper” to describe a man, but Redford simpers all over the place. “smile or gesture in an affectedly coquettish, coy, or ingratiating manner.” Yep.

21:35: Why does he have two beers? He’s sitting alone, on a patio, makes her take a sip from a nearly full beer, and then picks up a half-full one and joins her. Is he double-fisting it? Lord, man, slow down. And don’t wear turtleneck sweaters.

27:27: I’m still not buying them together. I’m hoping that changes. I love a good tearjerker.

32:41: Oh, Telescope, you drunken lout. Barf in her bathroom then pass out in her bed?

33:45: “Katie,” you saucy minx! At least leave the slip on and make him work for it.

36:48: I also once slept with the hottest guy I’ve ever known personally. Mine wasn’t a drunken post-barf thing though, and he didn’t pass out on top of me, so at least I had that going for me.

37:22: I wrote the first part before she spoke. Not ashamed to say the whole time the “lovin'” was happening I was like “He honestly has no idea who you are, you’re just a warm body,” but when she said “You did know it was Katie?” I did die a little inside.

38:42: This whole “morning after” scene is so awkward and makes me hate him SO much.

39:40: But good god, does he fill out a uniform.

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40:25: TFW you realize what she really means when she says, “I like snoring.”

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48:26: Goddammit, “Katie,” when you’re having a whole conversation about things that don’t come easy to him, and he has NO examples, you don’t just go to bed with the man. No matter how hot he looks in a white t-shirt.

53:41: I’m still not buying them as a couple. I don’t feel the heat that would be needed to overcome THAT level of attractiveness and social difference.

59:10: Look, Telescope (kind of) and his friends (totally) are kind of dicks. Not going to lie. But holy shitballs is “Katie” a stone-cold bitch. Lord.

1:03:45: “You really think you’re easy? Compared to what? The Hundred Years War?” OOOOOH BURN.

1:05:10: Good lord, the leaving of the key is always heartbreaking.

1:09:10: IT ALL MAKES SENSE. Now this scene means even more to me. (Warning: Gilmore Girls)

1:09:53: Sleeping pills and alcohol. I don’t like your name on you, “Katie,” but I like the way you roll.

1:12:42: 3 minutes and 30 seconds after her phone call in which she says “I won’t beg you,” “Katie” proceeds to beg her ass off. Weak.

1:13:56: WAIT JUST A COTTON PICKIN’ MINUTE. He just punched a wall, motioned like he was going to strangle her, she’s all weird and stalkery like “I’ve got you” and now they’re on a goddamn boat together? In California, I take it? HE TOOK HER WITH HIM? I think Telescope has Stockholm Syndrome.

1:15:40: Is that a car for ants?

IMG_20160813_224059254 IMG_20160813_224122644

1:20:45: OK, when she removes the stick from her ass, I see it a little bit between them.

1:22:00: What a little blue-eyed baby they’re gonna have. I feel like this is terrible foreshadowing since I know he eventually marries someone else and Lorelai didn’t mention “for Barbra and their kid” buuuuut I’m just going to stay positive and say they had a little blue-eyed baby … for now.

1:35:50: Methinks Telescope has a little bit of an anger problem. Punching walls, throwing things … Bad look, sir. Now go put a uniform back on, the way mommy likes.

1:45:16: So wait, she had the baby? She’s not pregnant there. But it takes a while to get from writing a movie to screening one and she’s not larger. So either they glossed over her having the baby, or they glossed over her losing a baby. WTF?

1:46:09: Wait, now she’s lying in bed and she’s HUGE. After just sitting on a patio smoking and drinking and NOT looking huge.

1:47:57: There are 11 minutes left in this movie, she’s still preggers, and they’re still together. This thing must wrap up REAL fast.

1:53:28: 1. THAT’S the kind of woman he should have been with all along. Telescope don’t wanna think. Telescope wants to be pretty and be around pretty people. 2. She’s married? 3. They act like they haven’t seen each other in years … is he like not in the daughter’s life? Did he just ghost on his first family to go marry a blonde?

1:55:43: Oh good, he at least asked about her. Called her “she” like he couldn’t be bothered to say “How’s Rachel?” Dick. She tells him he “would” be so proud of her. Gah. I hate him.

1:56:27: When he took a step back, I really wanted him to get hit by a bus.

 

I have no idea how Lorelai got it wrong. He didn’t have a wife and kid to leave for Barbra, because he’d already LEFT his kid. I’m unsure at what point I switched from Team Telescope to Team Bitch … well, to be fair, I’m always Team Bitch in general. Maybe I saw myself in her, minus the curls and the political activity … pushy, loud, difficult, obstinate. As with most people, the attractiveness wore thin and his refusal to care about ANYTHING but himself overcame everything else. I hope David X. Cohen or whoever is nicer to “Katie,” and I hope he goes to all of Rachel’s recitals and stuff. Since Telescope was a total jackass.

I didn’t cry, which is weird since I honest-to-god cry every week at “What Would You Do” and I’ve cried at commercials before. But the last scene was kind of awesome, where she was finally the stronger one. He basically admitted he fucked up, and she was all “Bye Felicia, got a bomb to ban.” I do feel like a well-placed bus would have been an improvement, though. Maybe something’s lost in seeing it 43 years after it came out. All in all, I liked it but didn’t love it as much as I wanted to. I do feel like a well-placed bus would have been an improvement, though.

Like Clockwork

July 31, 2016

The movie: “A Clockwork Orange”

Stars: Malcolm McDowell

Rated: R

Released: 1971

What I “know”: It’s apparently going to really mess with my mind, as three different people all asked if I really wanted to start here on my journey. It involves a mental institution, either inside it or about someone who escaped. It’s listed as a crime/drama/sci-fi, sooo … well, that doesn’t really tell me much. So yeah, that’s it.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Against a bleak futuristic landscape, young sociopath Alex DeLarge spends his time stealing, raping and beating innocent people in nihilistic orgies of violence, all in an attempt to get his nightly kicks.” Ummmmm this is officially the least excited I’ve been about the use of the word “orgies” in a movie blurb in ever. I really want to go back to bed, but I’m going to carry on.

7:44 a.m. I know Malcolm McDowell as the crazy boss on “Franklin and Bash” (shut up, it was good) and from the “Totes Magotes” ad. I don’t want my eccentric grandpa figure to become a nightmare.

7:48 a.m. This intro music is very unsettling.

7:49 a.m. Someone needs to teach Malcolm how to apply false eyelashes.

7:50 a.m. Are the codpieces ever explained? Or is this just a really “creative” costuming choice. P.S. You could get like $10K for that table nowadays.

7:51 a.m. I know I’m getting older when my first real thought isn’t “Is that glitter on the vagina of the table?” but “Oooh a milk bar sounds nice.”

7:54 a.m. Body count: 1

7:55 a.m. Boob count: 2

7:57 a.m. Man, do I love me some old-time fight scenes in movies. Actually, any fight scene in a movie. People jumping through windows 10 feet off the ground with no known methods of propulsion. Tables and chairs exploding on contact (this part also applies to wrestling). HAHAHAH THE SPECIAL EFFECTS AS THEY’RE DRIVING. And the use of the word “gutty-wuts.” My new fear is not that I’ll be afraid, but that I’ll root for Alex.

7:58 a.m It took me a second to realize they’re driving on the wrong side. #american

8:01 a.m. Adding the “Mork from Ork” egg pod chair to my Amazon wish list. Unless it also comes with the murder. Then I’ll pass.

8:02 a.m. To my friend Buffy: I now get the “Singin’ in the Rain” reference.

8:03 a.m. Boob count: 4

8:10 a.m. There are naked dancing Jesus statues. I don’t know what to say.

8:11 a.m. School? How old IS he? I assumed he was like 30.

8:14 a.m. Oh it’s a corrective school. Which I’m assuming is like the alternative school. I’ll be honest, I’m only picking up about 30 percent of the dialogue in this movie and I’m not exactly sad about that.

8:17 a.m. The sign at the record store says 2001. Well, they were only about 40 years off on their styling. If they’d set this in 1977, they’d have been spot on.

8:19 a.m. Boob count 8. Dick count: 1

8:26 a.m. Poor Dim. He didn’t deserve that.

8:28 a.m. Crazy cat lady about to get it.

8:33 a.m. Any movie that doesn’t involve using a penis statue to keep an assailant out of arm’s reach will lose points from me from now on.


(apologies, I couldn’t find it in English)

8:47 a.m. Dick count: 2

8:51 a.m. Boob count: 11 … no, 13.

(short break to make breakfast)

9:16 a.m. OK he’s strapped in, eyes peeled open, and they’re about to put something in his eyes. I am assuming THIS is where it gets weird? PS I’m a little worried about myself that aside from the standard Kubrick oddness, I haven’t really been put off yet.

9:18 a.m. Boob count: 15.

9:25 a.m. Well, that wasn’t as weird as I expected. I think my very superficial way of watching movies is really helping me here.

9:29 a.m. Boob count: 17.

9:40 a.m. I’m troubled by Joe’s “belt over the sweater” look.

joe

9:42 a.m. I’m oddly less scared of a sociopath than of a guy who starts dry heaving every time he sees a boob.

9:45 a.m. I also can’t unsee that Alex’s dad is sitting in front of a wall made of Dalek shells.

dalek

9:53 a.m. The Droogs are cops? That’s the weirdest thing yet.

10:09 a.m. If I’m taking anything from this movie, it’s that if you rehabilitate from being a criminal, move REALLY far away or all the people you’ve wronged will come at you hard.

10:14 a.m. I kind of want the wallpaper in his torture room. All pink iridescent leaves and stuff.

10:16 a.m. Suicide is bad, kids. Surviving a failed suicide is also bad, kids. Just don’t even try it.

10:23 a.m. There’s a chance I missed this, but why is he Alex DeLarge through the whole movie, and then in the clips about his suicide attempt he’s Alex Burgess? Error in the film? Or was this explained and I missed it in a boob-fueled haze?

10:28 a.m. The slide scene is honestly the creepiest he’s been all movie.

10:34 a.m. Boob count: 19.

So, I should have made a separate post ahead of this one explaining something: I will NEVER get the deeper meaning of a movie. I don’t get symbolism or metaphors. I just don’t. So while this was an oddly creepy (but not as much as feared) movie, I honestly don’t know what it was supposed to be about. Just seemed really Kubricky. I wish I had a really in-depth breakdown here, but if that’s what you’re looking for, this is the wrong blog for you.