‘The Way We Were’: Mismatched and stubborn

The movie: “The Way We Were”

Stars: Barbra Streisand, Robert Redford

Rated: PG

Released: 1973

What I “know”: To be honest, I didn’t even remember Redford was in this, so I’m hardly an expert. All of my knowledge comes from “Gilmore Girls,” tbh. As Lorelai and Rory told me, it has “heartache, laughter, communism, all in one neat package.” So that’s promising. I also know from Lorelai that apparently Redford is married with a kid, and that Dean (you suck, Dean) never saw it.

What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Sociopolitical opposites attract in director Sydney Pollack’s wistful, Oscar-winning tearjerker about an outspoken political crusader named Katie Morosky (Barbra Streisand) who finds herself drawn to glib golden boy Hubbell Gardner (Robert Redford). Despite their differences, the improbably couple eventually ties the knot, but a move to Tinseltown and the firestorm surrounding the 1950s blacklist unravel the marriage.” First off, I’m not sure I’ll ever buy Barbra as someone named “Katie,” and I’m sure as hell not believing ANYONE is named “Hubbell.” However, I am glad to find out that this isn’t some affair story and that telescope guy (yes, I know it’s a different spelling, deal) isn’t married with a kid when they meet.

Let’s do this.

00:35: Oooh it’s the gorgeous stone bridge in Central Park. Good way to start the movie. I love that bridge.

00:50: Barbra is all kinds of jaunty in her cute dress and sensible shoes! Her hair is floating, I love it.

01:35: And clothes aside, a big “yep, this is set in the past” moment … a dude just strolled into their sound recording puffing on a cigarette. Oh, the 1940s.

01:57: He just took off his hat and I said “holy s*** is that Stanley Zbornak?” and a quick Google search proves me right. Man, my “Golden Girls” obsession might be reaching a fever pitch (says the girl who bought this in a t-shirt and wears it proudly):

03:05: Cute outfits AND a club done up in zebra print? Sign me up.

03:18: AND HENRY FROM “PUNKY BREWSTER?” Man, this movie is lining up my favorites.

04:19: Jesus, Redford does look good in a uniform. Or did in the 70s. Probably less so now. But yowza.

06:38: I’m 98 percent sure that “Katie” in present times would be a Tumblr feminist. I’m also not, in any way, buying Redford as a college-age kid.

11:04: NO ONE is getting that many people to a peace rally, and NO ONE is turning the hecklers that quickly. I call shenanigans!

13:00: Man, Katie is the Girl who Cried “FASCIST.”

15:30: I have never used the word “simper” to describe a man, but Redford simpers all over the place. “smile or gesture in an affectedly coquettish, coy, or ingratiating manner.” Yep.

21:35: Why does he have two beers? He’s sitting alone, on a patio, makes her take a sip from a nearly full beer, and then picks up a half-full one and joins her. Is he double-fisting it? Lord, man, slow down. And don’t wear turtleneck sweaters.

27:27: I’m still not buying them together. I’m hoping that changes. I love a good tearjerker.

32:41: Oh, Telescope, you drunken lout. Barf in her bathroom then pass out in her bed?

33:45: “Katie,” you saucy minx! At least leave the slip on and make him work for it.

36:48: I also once slept with the hottest guy I’ve ever known personally. Mine wasn’t a drunken post-barf thing though, and he didn’t pass out on top of me, so at least I had that going for me.

37:22: I wrote the first part before she spoke. Not ashamed to say the whole time the “lovin'” was happening I was like “He honestly has no idea who you are, you’re just a warm body,” but when she said “You did know it was Katie?” I did die a little inside.

38:42: This whole “morning after” scene is so awkward and makes me hate him SO much.

39:40: But good god, does he fill out a uniform.

40:25: TFW you realize what she really means when she says, “I like snoring.”

48:26: Goddammit, “Katie,” when you’re having a whole conversation about things that don’t come easy to him, and he has NO examples, you don’t just go to bed with the man. No matter how hot he looks in a white t-shirt.

53:41: I’m still not buying them as a couple. I don’t feel the heat that would be needed to overcome THAT level of attractiveness and social difference.

59:10: Look, Telescope (kind of) and his friends (totally) are kind of dicks. Not going to lie. But holy shitballs is “Katie” a stone-cold bitch. Lord.

1:03:45: “You really think you’re easy? Compared to what? The Hundred Years War?” OOOOOH BURN.

1:05:10: Good lord, the leaving of the key is always heartbreaking.

1:09:10: IT ALL MAKES SENSE. Now this scene means even more to me. (Warning: Gilmore Girls)

1:09:53: Sleeping pills and alcohol. I don’t like your name on you, “Katie,” but I like the way you roll.

1:12:42: 3 minutes and 30 seconds after her phone call in which she says “I won’t beg you,” “Katie” proceeds to beg her ass off. Weak.

1:13:56: WAIT JUST A COTTON PICKIN’ MINUTE. He just punched a wall, motioned like he was going to strangle her, she’s all weird and stalkery like “I’ve got you” and now they’re on a goddamn boat together? In California, I take it? HE TOOK HER WITH HIM? I think Telescope has Stockholm Syndrome.

1:15:40: Is that a car for ants?

1:20:45: OK, when she removes the stick from her ass, I see it a little bit between them.

1:22:00: What a little blue-eyed baby they’re gonna have. I feel like this is terrible foreshadowing since I know he eventually marries someone else and Lorelai didn’t mention “for Barbra and their kid” buuuuut I’m just going to stay positive and say they had a little blue-eyed baby … for now.

1:35:50: Methinks Telescope has a little bit of an anger problem. Punching walls, throwing things … Bad look, sir. Now go put a uniform back on, the way mommy likes.

1:45:16: So wait, she had the baby? She’s not pregnant there. But it takes a while to get from writing a movie to screening one and she’s not larger. So either they glossed over her having the baby, or they glossed over her losing a baby. WTF?

1:46:09: Wait, now she’s lying in bed and she’s HUGE. After just sitting on a patio smoking and drinking and NOT looking huge.

1:47:57: There are 11 minutes left in this movie, she’s still preggers, and they’re still together. This thing must wrap up REAL fast.

1:53:28: 1. THAT’S the kind of woman he should have been with all along. Telescope don’t wanna think. Telescope wants to be pretty and be around pretty people. 2. She’s married? 3. They act like they haven’t seen each other in years … is he like not in the daughter’s life? Did he just ghost on his first family to go marry a blonde?

1:55:43: Oh good, he at least asked about her. Called her “she” like he couldn’t be bothered to say “How’s Rachel?” Dick. She tells him he “would” be so proud of her. Gah. I hate him.

1:56:27: When he took a step back, I really wanted him to get hit by a bus.

 

I have no idea how Lorelai got it wrong. He didn’t have a wife and kid to leave for Barbra, because he’d already LEFT his kid. I’m unsure at what point I switched from Team Telescope to Team Bitch … well, to be fair, I’m always Team Bitch in general. Maybe I saw myself in her, minus the curls and the political activity … pushy, loud, difficult, obstinate. As with most people, the attractiveness wore thin and his refusal to care about ANYTHING but himself overcame everything else. I hope David X. Cohen or whoever is nicer to “Katie,” and I hope he goes to all of Rachel’s recitals and stuff. Since Telescope was a total jackass.

I didn’t cry, which is weird since I honest-to-god cry every week at “What Would You Do” and I’ve cried at commercials before. But the last scene was kind of awesome, where she was finally the stronger one. He basically admitted he fucked up, and she was all “Bye Felicia, got a bomb to ban.” I do feel like a well-placed bus would have been an improvement, though. Maybe something’s lost in seeing it 43 years after it came out. All in all, I liked it but didn’t love it as much as I wanted to. I do feel like a well-placed bus would have been an improvement, though.