Stars: Robert Redford, Meryl Streep
Rated: PG
Released: 1985
What I “know”: It’s romantic? It involves Africa? Robert Redford washes her hair at some point and my female friends have told me about that scene.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Hoping to forge a better life, Denmark native Karen Blixen (Meryl Streep) enters into a marriage of convenience with a womanizing baron. But when the couple moves to Nairobi, Karen falls in love with a free-spirited hunter (Robert Redford) who can’t be tied down. Director Sydney Pollack’s lush period drama earned seven Academy Awards, including statues for Best Picture, Best Screenplay and Best Cinematography.”
Wait, TWO HOURS AND 41 MINUTES? Are there no editors in Hollywood? Yipes. Also, ugh on the period piece. Also, it’s 79 degrees in my house because I refuse to turn my a/c on this early and when I open my living room window, my dog barks at every freaking noise. Soooooo it’s not only Redford making me sweat.
TRAILER!
00:50: I sit next to a guy from Denmark in my office. I’m going to ask him on Monday if her accent is good. It sounds-ish like him, but who knows?
4:04: This green screen, where she’s talking to her lover’s brother about how they’re both losers and should just get married, is horrific. Photos don’t do it justice … I tried.
8:10: Ugh, those tusks. Just, ugh.
9:06: Nice deerhound.
9:35: I love that this lady brought china to Nairobi. You psycho.
12:50: Well, that’s officially the shortest wedding I’ve ever seen. I hope the Redford sex makes her loosen up and become human. Right now, ick.
20:42: That weird kissing power-struggle thing was weird. Like, really weird. I’m grossed out. I need Redford, stat.
26:59: My initial thought of “Hey idiot, if your horse is freaking out and running away, you should probably not ignore that warning sign” was quickly replaced with “Thank god, it’s Robert Redford!”
30:31: Redford looks really good for 50 in this movie. I’m partial, but still. I feel like Meryl Streep has always looked the same age, though. She’s 35 in this, but I’d buy her at 45 or 50, or 30. She’s hard for me to place on an age scale.
31:54: Poor Berkeley. He has no shot. Nice guy, but he’s no Redford.
34:55: I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN IN AFRICAAAAA. Sorry, had to do it.
40:10: “You’re not going to go and fall in love.” “Not with someone who’s always leaving.” She hasn’t read the Netflix sleeve, where she falls in love with a man who can’t be tied down.
46:14: I know it’s a way of life and all, but all these whips cracking on these poor animals is just killing me on the inside.
50:32: There are only like 8-10 Maasai, but they are intimidating as hell. Where’s Redford when you need him?
51:33: I was just thinking about the Africans, both the ones walking her entire trip while she rides a horse and the Maasai running across the desert, and how strong they must have been. Then the lions show up on my screen, I gasped … as I ate a handful of almond M&Ms and contemplated turning on my a/c. I am a very weak person. WHY ARE THE CATTLE/OX/WHATEVER NOT MOOING OR SOMETHING?
54:05: I’m sure that whole speech about oxen was awesome, but I couldn’t understand any of it.
58:09: SHE FOUGHT OFF A LION SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND HE GAVE HER SYPHILIS? Jesus, dude.
1:00:39: What is up with Redford’s tie??
1:02:17: Ah yes, the always awkward “You gave me syphilis” conversation with your husband. “And the others, whoever they are. I hope they’ve got it.” Good for you, Meryl.
1:03:08: I get the cinematography Oscar. Very stunning shots in this movie.
1:10:06: This had better be where their affair begins. We’re almost halfway through. Get to it!
1:15:27: Almost halfway through the movie before she even kisses him. This movie is ridiculous. I wish I loved it. I want to love it. But I didn’t need 75 minutes of her moving to Africa, planting coffee, helping the slaves, fighting a lion, etc. Ugh.
1:16:21: Some drunk idiot just shot two holes in the ceiling and you all just start singing along with her? What is happening in 1919?
1:17:04: “Someone has left her underclothes in the back.” Karen to her philandering, syphilis-infected husband as he drives her home from the New Year’s party. Bless that line.
1:25:57: What did he think the monkeys would do? Sit down and write dissertations on Mozart? Of course they’re going to mess with your record player, you weirdo.
1:29:33: That was it? THAT was the hairwash scene? I want my hopes back.
INTERLUDE: It is now about 40 hours since I started this movie, and my fourth attempt to finish it. That doesn’t say much for my enjoyment.
1:36:41: Those poor lions. All because you jackasses wanted to go wandering around the wilds of Africa. Ugh. I hate hunters and I hate hunting and I hate big-game hunting most of all. I know that’s not what this was (self-defense, I suppose, but they definitely didn’t HAVE to be there and the lions weren’t invading THEIR living space) but ugh.
1:40:15: I was just typing “the hand on the shoulder before walking back to her tent means ‘Bring your butt on'” when he showed up at the flap of her tent. It’s about dang time.
1:41:05: Dangit, they were showing sex in movies by 1985! I should have known … PG rating. “If you say anything now, I’ll believe it.” Been there, girl. Never good.
1:45:12: Mmmm mosquito-net sex.
1:46:39: Holy crap, that’s Iman! Berkeley gave up on the crazy Danish lady and is getting into it with Iman! Good for ol’ Berkeley, except for the whole dying part.
1:49:12: So this is the 1920s version of the “I’m giving you a drawer” conversation? Adorable. Also, he follows it up with, “Oh, and our friend is dying.”
1:51:45: Know what a great basis for a relationship is? Not seeing each other very often, no real conversation about your lives (just telling stories) and only focusing on the physical. Or wait, is that the worst basis? Hmmm.
1:52:53: So she sees a plane, knows it’s him, takes off, climbs in the plane, he says he learned how to fly yesterday, and she settles in? Gah. Also, why does the pilot sit in the back seat? That seems like a bad plan.
1:54:05: Imagine this picture in HD, and/or IMAX? Mind-blowing.
1:57:40: Bror: “You might have asked, Dennis.” Redford: “I did. She said yes.” HAAHAHAHH she’s not your property, you syphilitic ass.
2:05:10: See, this is the Redford character I hate (and it’s honestly almost all of his characters I’ve seen): He gets flippant when he’s uncomfortable. She’s talking about what she wants and desires from him and he’s just tossing off jokes and half-laughing. The worst. Though I did like “I do mate for life. One day at a time.”
2:06:44: That whole fireside scene where he’s being a jerk and she’s being open reminds me of my favorite guilty pleasure Redford movie.
I’m starting to think he plays the same guy a lot.
2:10:49: UGH. While her overarching point is correct (someone who isn’t willing to compromise doesn’t get to demand the other person give up what’s important to them), ending your sex bomb relationship with Robert Redford over a sweet girl who has never done anything to hurt you and probably wouldn’t bang your dude anyway is not the right way to go. Felicity wouldn’t do that, and I honestly don’t think he would either. Stop being a jealous wench, crazy Danish lady, or else you’re just proving him right.
2:13:13: I hope Dennis lit her coffee factory on fire on his way out of town. That would make me happy.
2:15:38: So in this great coming-out party for the new governor, they let rag-tag ol’ Dennis just hobble on in in his dirty jacket and ratty hat? And then he’s like “No, don’t stop her from begging, I want to watch too.”
2:19:40: I just got a little choked up at her speech to the one guy (sorry I can’t keep names straight) about on safari, her sending him up ahead to set up camp and build a fire for them to follow. And then him asking if where she’s going is far (it is) and him saying “Then you must build a big fire so I can find you.”
2:24:42: So the whole scene where he comes back and wants to go with her … ugh. You can’t be that steadfast and then just cave. Like 90 percent of other people see it as “Oh, he realized how much he needed her and that was more important than EVERYTHING HE HAS EVER BELIEVED IN” but I will never buy that. It just feels like a game of chicken he wasn’t prepared to lose.
2:27:03: Of course he dies in a plane crash before the “happily ever after.” Moral of the story: Don’t give up on your beliefs and what you want or else you will die in a horrible fire.
OK, so I learned from the closing credits that his name is Denys. I’m not going to go back and change that. Sorry.
I disliked this movie for the first 1:40-2 hours of it. I felt it dragged, was giving me WAY too much background noise that I didn’t need. I still feel that way, but less so. Probably the first 1:40 could be condensed down to an hour, making it a two-hour movie. Still would have dragged some, but most movies do. I feel really bummed for Karen, who lost her family’s money, her husband, her lover, her farm, her career, and her friends. And for what? Nothing. Another movie where no one wins … aside from maybe Bror, who snaked someone else into marrying him.
Up next: “Play Misty for Me!”
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