Stars: Madeline Kahn, Ryan O’Neal, Barbra Streisand
Rated: G
Released: 1972
What I “know”: I know I love Madeline Kahn, so I’m already psyched. And I know it’s only 94 minutes, so double score! In regards to actual plot, nothing.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “While two researchers are competing for a grant, one must deal with a strange woman who’s devoted her life to confusing and embarrassing him. Meanwhile, a woman’s jewels are stolen and a government whistleblower arrives with top-secret papers. All, of course, have the same style overnight bag. Barbra Streisand, Ryan O’Neal and Madeline Kahn star in this homage to classic screwball comedies from director Peter Bogdanovich.”
Y’all, I can’t even put into words how excited I now am about this movie. Madeline Kahn, screwball, a stalker who confuses someone (guessing that’s Kahn), stolen jewels … This can’t possibly be as good as I now want it to be.
TRAILER!
1:09: Ooooh she’s being “introduced,” so it’s her first movie. I hope it’s a tour de force!!! PS, my favorite Madeline Kahn scene EVER from one of my favorite movies:
And I just fell into a “Clue” wormhole on YouTube. So I’m back after 30 minutes. It happens.
3:31: You should TOTALLY check your “top secret” files when you fly somewhere. No need to keep those with you!
4:34: HAHAH Kahn’s hair is ridiculous. However, I also guess she’s not the stalker as she’s apparently O’Neal’s wife. OK, apparently his girlfriend, since she wants to go to San Fran for their honeymoon.
8:04: Why is Babs following the pizza guy and causing accidents left and right? Though her sassy response of “One of us must be in the wrong hotel” was worth it all.
10:23: Good heavens, Streisand was tiny. And golf-bag stalker boy is REALLY bad at his job. You can’t follow that closely or that obviously. Sheesh.
13:56: Streisand is better at comedic timing than I would have assumed. I wish she didn’t have the same weird half-smile in every scene, though.
18:35: “As the years go by, romance fades and something else takes its place. Do you know what that is?” “Senility.” “Trust!” Madeline Kahn is so good. Though I do wish she had eyebrows of some sort.
26:16: For someone who was so concerned that he get down to the banquet and make a good first impression, Kahn sure did take her sweet time getting ready. And now she lost her seat to Babs. Too little, too late, Eunice.
26:41: So back in the day, anyone could open up those doors between rooms in hotels? That seems patently unsafe.
29:23: I’ve already lost track of what bag is where and who has it and whose it was to begin with.
32:28: And Kahn’s huge entrance into the banquet is my first laugh-out-loud moment of the movie. It’s slapstick, but not funny slapstick (the movie, not Kahn’s entrance).
33:33: And that trip is the second LOL moment. Awesome. He got her at knee level!
33:49: So when the house detective put the bag under the bed in 1714, it was a flowered bedspread. Now it’s solid blue. This is BASIC stuff, Bogdanovich.
34:50: HAHAH the like fourth trip was at waist level. That whole thing is perfection.
46:02: A.) Babs is an A-level bath towel wrapper if she falls off a ledge, grabs on, and the towel doesn’t come off her perky little body. B.) No one is strong enough to just pull themselves up on a ledge like that.
47:02: I like how the room is in blazes, a man just flew through the window into the room, and the room service guy is just nonchalantly setting up dinner.
47:52: Fastest. Fire. Department. Ever.
49:36: So the guy walks into SteveHoward’s room and I paused to go to IMDB to figure out who he was because he looked familiar. And the TRIPPING GUY IS BOSS HOGG? WHAT? Mind. Blown. P.S., I was totally right, the hotel manager is Higgins from “Magnum, P.I.” I don’t know why that triggered so quickly, but I knew it immediately.
56:13: Eunice’s more-and-more rushed wig jobs are killing me.
1:06:10: Why would they just take all four bags and leave? Now they’re thieves, because he KNOWS there’s a crapton of jewels in one of them. Just go into a side room, check them, get your rocks, and get out.
1:09:03: Good buildup to the window breaking. Any longer would have been too long.
1:11:46: How can people drive in San Fran without completely screwing up their cars within six months? I will never understand.
1:31:42: WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THESE MOVIES FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE THEY BARELY KNOW? Stuffy Howard Bannister would never tell a crazy woman he loves her. Gah.
OK, so I was right, this movie wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be. Fun, light-hearted, fine. But I didn’t love it. I will say this: Ryan O’Neal was a terrible person by most accounts, but he was a very good-looking guy. I actually liked him better in glasses. Oh well.
Stars: Charles Coburn, Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russell
Rated: NR
Released: 1953
What I “know:” It has Marilyn Monroe in it, so I assume she’ll be a vacuous, beautiful blonde with a really high-pitched, breathy voice. And there are gentlemen, real or metaphorical?
What I know after reading the Netflix blurb (this one’s streaming): “A blond showgirl is unknowingly tracked by an investigator hired by her fiancé’s father. But the detective only has eyes for her brunette friend.” Well, either the detective is no gentleman, or the title is stupid, or it’s intentionally so. So much going on already! And bonus, after the interminable “The Sound of Music” … It’s only 91 minutes long!
TRAILER!
P.S. I turned off my 78th viewing of “The Notebook” (and third today) to watch this. The sacrifices I make …
1:36: Well, that “Little Rock” song was horrible. Oh god, is this a musical too? Please no.
3:11: Either this “Little Rock” song is really long, or it’s a fully themed-out “Little Rock” stage show. Please let it be the latter.
3:34: Monroe’s lipstick is a nightmare in this number. I mean, I don’t wear makeup often, but I’m pretty sure your liner isn’t supposed to be 17 shades darker than your lips.
5:52: Ewwwww she just called him daddy. Also, Jane Russell is all legs. Good lord.
6:37: This timeline is all wonky. She thinks he’s got a ring, he gives her a ring, then they’ve already planned their wedding? What were people doing in the ’50s?
7:35: I know it’s her thing, but every time Monroe speaks, she sounds like a 6-year-old. Kind of kills the sexy, you know?
9:44: “If the ship hit an iceberg and sank, which one would you save from drowning?” “Those girls wouldn’t drown.” Was that a boob joke? In 1953??
11:49: Oh, the 1950s, when the Olympic relay team was four white guys.
13:34: Russell was only 32 when this was made? She looks 40s, easily. Life must have been hard back then, based on her here and Lauren Bacall in “How to Marry a Millionaire.”
18:04: I mean, Monroe’s not a good singer. That’s gotta be accepted fact, right? Not a great actress, not a great singer, but killer body and likes to pout? Was that her thing? Also, kind of bitchy of Russell, who isn’t saying goodbye to anyone, to hog a whole window with her singing Olympians while other people are like trying to wave to their families.
21:32: A bunch of men in only short shorts doing gymnastics in front of a giant painting of a Spartan? Like … that has to be intentional, right?
22:28: As per usual, I could do without the music. But I like Jane Russell WAY more than Marilyn Monroe. I’ve seen Monroe in three things now and she annoys me.
22:40: So the coach is so strict he makes them go to bed at 9 p.m., but he’s fine with this chick in a bustier walking around and messing with his guys while they’re “training?” Sure.
24:25: “I like muscles … and red corpuscles.” Are they serious with this? “I like red blood cells.” Good for you, honey.
32:04: Russell’s “Thank YOU” to Piggy’s snobby wife just made my day. She’s so catty. I love it.
(gif unrelated, but I love Russell.)
34:22: Apparently I can never go on a cruise. I don’t have an evening gown covered head to toe in sparkles to wear to eat from the buffet.
36:11: Holy crap, that kid is a smooth dude. “I’m old enough to know a good-looking woman when I see one. This promises to be quite a trip.”
39:51: Why is she wearing a widow’s shroud with an off-the-shoulder dress? 1950s fashion was weird.
43:27: I like the Monroe’s response to being caught hugging a strange, old, diamond-mining billionaire by the man she thought was interested in her friend but instead was spying on her was basically “Oopsy!”
45:19: Of course Monroe locks herself in the dude’s cabin. Those shouldn’t lock people in, so maybe, just maybe … try the door lock?
45:37: Oh. My. God. She held her hands up to the porthole window, moved them down to her hips, and is now trying to shimmy out? Lady, you have a tiny waist but big-ass hips. You have curves. That’s what dudes loved about you. That and your insane over-lip-moving enunciations of sentences.
46:26: This kid is legit the breakout star of this movie. “I’ll help you for two reasons. The first reason is, I’m too young to be sent to jail. The second reason is, you’ve got a lot of animal magnetism.”
47:25: THEN HE STICKS HIS HAND OUT FOR PIGGY TO TAKE HIS PULSE. Muahahahahahah. This kid is a gift to this movie.
49:43: It feels a little awkward for Monroe to be asking if three sleeping pills is enough.
52:08: I love that even after Monroe moves the glass from spilling water all over his pants that Russell just keeps emptying the pitcher. He can’t possibly be drunk enough after one drink to not see through this. “WHAT KIND OF DINNER PARTY IS THIS?”
57:27: So they just let him walk out of their cabin with the photos? No one noticed the large, yellow Kodak envelope he was carrying? Monroe deserves everything that happens to her.
1:04:14: Those kids are wearing fezzes. Fezzes are cool.
1:06:00: I will give this movie credit for this: At least in this cafe scene, people are realizing they’re singing and acting like it’s a performance. That’s my main issue with musicals … people just act like singing in the middle of a conversation is totally normal. However, them ditching on the check for that tiny cup of coffee is terrible.
1:08:20: “It’s men like you who have made me the way I am. And if you loved me at all, you’d feel sorry for the terrible troubles I’ve been through instead of holding them against me.” God, she’s delusional.
1:09:29: So I finally get what Madonna’s “Material Girl” video was referencing.
1:10:50: I don’t believe for a second that operatic song intro was Monroe singing. Not even a little.
1:19:10: Oh, Jane Russell, you minx. Dressing up in a blonde wig and a giant fur coat. Thankfully, the lawyer is super blind so you can pass.
1:20:02: I want to start saying “Thank you ever so” for no reason at all.
1:21: 39: This song would NOT continue in court for even four seconds, but she’s way better at this song than Monroe. And she’s sassy as all hell.
1:26:00: That whole courtroom scene was a trainwreck.
1:28:24: “I want to marry him for your money.”
1:30:15: Of course, there’s a dual wedding. And of course they bring the garbage “Little Rock” song back. Jane Russell has terrible taste in men.
Overall, this movie wasn’t terrible. That kid was a delight, and Jane Russell is right up there with Bette Davis for “favorite no-nonsense woman” so far. Marilyn Monroe makes me want to claw my eardrums out, but it wasn’t bad?
What I “know”: A pure and wholesome nanny raises a ton of kids while their rich dad tries to outrun the Nazis or something. I think the Nazis are involved. And it’s a musical. And I’m dreading it. And I opened up the sleeve saying “Please only be an hour and a half” only to see “2 hrs, 54 mins” staring back at me. I despise whoever added this to my list, though I suppose I should see it.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In Rodgers and Hammerstein’s greatest collaboration, a feisty postulant named Maria (Julie Andrews) is sent to care for the unruly, motherless Von Trapp children. She soon tames them — and finds herself falling for their stern father (Christopher Plummer). Oscar-winning director Robert Wise used stunning Austrian locations to transform the popular stage musical into a cinema class in which the hills truly seemed to come alive.”
OK, ,maybe there aren’t Nazis? I don’t know. But what the hell is a postulant? I guess it’s the more formal way to say “nanny,” but whatever. Here goes.
TRAILER!
I saw the first 10 seconds while I was embedding that, and Julie Andrews’s hair makes me sad.
1:05: If two hours of this movie is just panning across mountains, I swear …
3:21: Great. The movie opens with a song. And not even a good one. The hills don’t have music. They have bugs and rocks. P.S. I don’t like nature. I like air conditioning and TVs.
10:16: Oh great, she’s a nun? And she’s the black sheep of the nunnery?
13:07: I’m glad they found a bunch of classically trained singers for this, I guess, but they should have checked to see if they could act. They can’t.
19:59: “Seven children. What’s so fearsome about that?” Honey, pull up a chair. I can make a doozy of a list. Then again, one child frightens the everloving junk out of me … so take that as you will.
23:57: “Wait here, please.” *new nanny goes around opening doors in the great hall to just kind of snoop around on the richies*
27:14: Holy crap, that whistle is annoying. He doesn’t have kids, he has well-trained dogs. And that’s only six kids. Why are they so Stepfordy?
27:35: Oh, there’s Kid Seven. She’s reading. I guess she’s forgiven from the military drill.
32:19: OK, you know what? Once they stopped singing and the kids were brats and she was lost, I was going to give it a shot. Then there was a frog. I have three fears in life: Frogs, bridges, and thunderstorms. Ugh.
37:59: This whole telegram business is making me nauseous. I get it’s rated G, and it’s from 1965, but holy cow. “Dear Rolf, stop. Don’t stop. Your Liesl.” Now, considering she didn’t do another “stop,” She’s actually saying “don’t.” “Dear Rolf, don’t. Your Liesl.” Much better. OH MY GOODNESS, HIS SINGING VOICE. MAKE HIM STOP.
48:22: And of course, now there’s a thunderstorm. Tell me on their long trip to avoid the Nazis that they also nearly die on a bridge. Please, give me the trifecta.
51:25: There are so many things about “My Favorite Things” that make me want to murder. Who wants brown paper-wrapped packages tied in strings? If you have snowflakes that stay on your nose, you might be dead. You shouldn’t be below freezing temperature. Why are girls in blue sashes make you happy? Who wants crispy strudel?
56:02: As someone who never even babysat, I don’t want to second guess a nanny (though I guess she’s new to it) but having a 5-year-old skipping on the edge of a cliff with a river below doesn’t seem like the best decision.
1:02:11: Aww, how cute. The cultish kids who have never sung have perfect pitch and they immediately pick up harmonizing. How lucky!
1:12:26: I will never understand how Fraulein (I’m not looking for the umlauts in here, sorry) Maria would ever fall for stick-in-the-ass Captain Von Trapp.
1:18:55: They just have a full-size puppet theater? And they’re all trained in marionette? How do they find the time between military drills??
1:21:56: So, I took my dogs out before this number and had “Do, Re, Mi” stuck in my head. I swear to all that is good in this world, if this stupid yodeling song haunts my thoughts and dreams, I will seek vengeance.
1:31:20: So grumpy old Meandad suddenly leaves his date and his party and goes out to the terrace, then cuts in on his son getting his arms broken by the nanny trying to do a spin move. Of course he does.
1:32:41: “What a lovely couple you make,” his girlfriend passive-aggressively says. Why can’t the girlfriend ever be likeable and he just likes the other person more? Why must they write them as cold, frigid bitches?
1:33:31: OH NO IT’S THE AUF WIEDERSEHEN SONG. (Two years of high school German meant I could spell that without having to look it up. Also, “Was kostet den Taschenrechner” means “how much is the calculator.” FYI.)
1:36:01: If I was at a party at some dude’s house and we all had to come out and watch his kids audition for “Austria’s Got Talent” or whatever, I’d be pissed. I mean, sure, they can sing. But that right there is an A-No.-1 party killer.
1:36:16: OMG THEY ANSWERED THE LITTLE BRATS.
1:37:58: “You flatter me, Captain.” “Oh, how clumsy of me. I meant to accuse you.” BURN.
1:39:40: “It’s not your fault he finds you beautiful. He’ll get over it. Oh, here, want me to help you pack? You ain’t got to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
1:40:05: “Please don’t tell the Captain that the woman tasked with raising his children has disappeared in the night and left them without a caretaker. I’d hate for him to be somehow prepared for that news.”
1:40:16: Ugh, Maria’s too nice. She should have gotten catty and rolled down to that party fully dolled up and beat that Baroness at her own game.
1:44:48: Only a two-minute intermission? I was hoping that would eat up 15 minutes of the remaining 70. Though I am enjoying the first scene back of the seven hellions bullying their potential stepmother.
1:49:48: This “greeting of the new mother” thing is more like a funeral procession.
1:55:07: The reverend mother (I don’t know if that’s supposed to be capped or not, sorry) is playing matchmaker? I didn’t think that was how things worked.
1:56:27: I’ve never heard “Climb Ev’ry Mountain” and I hate it already. So operatic. Why?
2:03:43: Well, well, well. Maria’s wearing the dress in which the Baroness said the Captain couldn’t keep his eyes off her. And so it begins … the nun becomes the homewrecker!
2:04:12: And the Captain comes out on the balcony. “Juliet, oh Juliet, wherefore art thou a nanny and not a baroness?” And the devil comes out, dressed in red. Not one for subtlety, are they?
2:05:00: “You have no idea the trouble I’m having trying to find you a wedding present. … Oh, I know, I’m enough …” Holy schnikeys, lady, try a little harder? Did she just go from getting him a fountain pen to a villa in the south of France?
2:05:45: “It’s no use.” Well, that’s about the harshest breakup line they could get away with in a G-rated movie, but that had to cut her. “Try all you want to, I’m in love with the virginal practice nun with the boy’s haircut who can sing like an angel.”
2:07:07: I give the Baroness credit for not lashing out and being a psycho, and I give him credit for not denying her charges that he’s going to get with the nanny.
2:10:29: I like that they had to kiss in a shadow since it’s G-rated.
2:11:44: WHY WOULD SHE START SINGING THERE? He’s nuzzling your face, weirdo. Go make out with him. I’m 99 percent sure I’d love this movie if it didn’t have 427 songs in it. Instead I’m just annoyed by the plot breaks for incessant singing. Does she still get paid as a nanny? Or is she just stuck with these kids forever with no remuneration?
2:15:12: NO. I want to see the children’s reactions. Don’t give me this slow fade into her in a horrible wedding dress with half a bush wrapped around her head.
2:16:23: Oh, I get it. The fence is the symbolism of her leaving her old life behind. Again, subtlety not the strong suit here.
2:17:04: It’s every girl’s dream to walk down the aisle with a soundtrack of people singing about you being a problem played over top.
2:19:03: NAZIS. I knew it. Man, I’m glad “Schindler’s List” is further down my queue. I’m about Nazied out right now.
2:22:36: Of course Rolf is a Nazi.
2:26:23: OK, so not only is this movie like 2/3 music, but they repeat a bunch of the songs over and over? Please, stop. So far it’s “The Sound of Music,” “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria,” and “16 Going on 17,” at least.
2:29:06: Man, they picked a really awkward time to go on their honeymoon. Now they have like four hours to pack up nine people and all their belongings and get out of Dodg … er, Austria.
2:30:58: Who was steering the car around the turn? And OH NO, NAZIS.
2:39:47: So wait, the game plan is to turn the crowd in this one building against the Third Reich for wanting to separate a man from his family? And they think that’s going to make a difference? I swear, if this is what fixes everything, I’m done.
2:40:27: Oh god, now it’s “Auf Wiedersehen” again? Ugh. Maybe this is the plan, to send them off into the dark so they can escape. Makes the Nazis look stupid (duh) but at least it’s more believable than them saying, “Oh no, people don’t like our decision! Forget the whole thing!”
2:41:47: But … they’re all sitting in the front row. In the front row, you can see outside the spotlight. They’d be able to see them all sprinting for the wings. Especially with the way the stupid kids kept looking back at the parents.
2:44:02: So there was even a Nazi guard down where all the acts were hanging out and they still got out? Man, that’s a dumb mistake.
2:49:42: Awww good guy Nazi Rolf.
2:50:01: Oops. Spoke too soon.
2:51:52: That thing’s a clown car if it fit eight people in it.
2:52:38: Man, those nuns sure know a lot about cars to be able to pull [insert important parts here because I am not a nun and do not know much about cars] out of the Nazis’ cars.
2:53:18: That’s a really high mountain for a bunch of kids in knee socks and loafers to have climbed.
I MADE IT! I MADE IT THROUGH. And I was right … I would have liked that movie a lot more were it not a musical. I just … don’t like musicals (“Grease” excepted). I’m more open to “Singin’ in the Rain” than this one. Also, the whole Nazi plot was just kind of sprung. I know it’s based on a real story (but I’ve also read things about all the stuff they got wrong, like how the Nazis came in 11 years after they got married or something) but more than just a throwaway line at a party, they should have dealt more with the Nazis in the movie rather than just launch them in at the end.
What I “know”: Another movie I literally know nothing about. I’ve started the DVD player up, so I’m on the title screen, so I see a very … alluring Bette Davis? With a couple behind her? I’m guessing she breaks them up or tries to for some devilish scam. Also, it’s 2 hours and 19 minutes. Did no one have editors back then??
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: Writer-director Joseph L. Mankiewicz’s sharp script anchors this story about New York City theater life, with Bette Davis playing an aging Broadway diva who employs a starstruck fan (Anne Baxter) as her assistant, only to learn the woman is a conniving upstart. The now-classic “All About Eve” won Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor (George Sanders).
Well, I’m intrigued. A “sharp script” is always going to be a positive for me, and this thing was a “short wait” on Netflix, so it’s obviously still popular. Or, more likely, they only have one copy they have to ship around the country. Oh well, here we go!
TRAILER!
3:20: Addison Dewitt, Sanders’s part, is a catty old hag, isn’t he? He’s giving the lowdown on everyone at this awards ceremony and he pulls no punches. He said the playwright’s wife had nothing in her history or life that should have brought her closer to the stage than Row E, center.
4:10: Ha! Margo pours liquor in her glass and waves away the soda water. Good girl.
6:45: Well, the women don’t like her. Men all clapping, Karen and Margo … not so much. I mean, having read the sleeve, I know she does Margo wrong. Maybe Margo and the wife are friends? Maybe Eve sleeps with the writer to get the part? No idea. P.S. “Playwright” is one of those words that I know is right, but when you write it a few times, it stops looking right. Like how if you say any simple word, like drawer, over and over, it starts to sound weird. Anyway …
8:44: A-ha! She is Margo’s best friend. And she’s apparently the one who lets Eve in the door. Good work on destroying your friend’s career, Karen!
12:45: Bette Davis’s eyes, those of songs, don’t do much for me … but I could listen to her voice all night. And Birdie with the early entry for “best spoiler of Margo’s attitude.”
14:30: Uh, Eve is giving off some strong stalker vibes. I mean, beyond the just “huddling in an alley and then doing SRO for every performance” thing. Margo says, “There are other plays” and Eve says, “Not with you in them.”
16:03: “It got so I couldn’t tell the real from the unreal.” Dude, this is where you escort her out of the room. They were too trusting in the 1950s. She moved ACROSS THE COUNTRY to follow a play Margo was in. Come on. My stalker senses are giving me a headache.
19:46: “Heaven help me, I love a psychotic.” Margo is my spirit animal.
27:58: I’ll tell you who doesn’t like Eve … Birdie. That lady is smart. She smells the opportunist.
31:34: Man, if “Single White Female” had come out in the ’40s, Eve Harrington could have played it.
37:35: Haha, Birdie’s face is all, “I tried to warn you” after Eve said she’d sent a telegram to Margo’s boyfriend for his birthday. Birdie is all of us.
40:28: WAIT, dresses in the ’50s had pockets? What? I thought that was a new-ish thing.
45:25: Holy crap, that’s Marilyn Monroe! That’s the prettiest I’ve ever seen her look. So pure and young.
55:40: Man, Karen is the reason everything keeps getting worse. Road to hell, etc., etc. Now she wants to make Eve Margo’s understudy and says, “I think [Margo]’d cheer.” Guess again, buttercup. She’s literally never seen her act a single second, aside from the four seconds in this movie she’s acted like a non-stalker.
59:08: Eve is talking crazy about how applause is like love and Karen just smiles like it’s the sweetest thing she’s ever heard. Karen is the worst.
1:10:47: “It is about time the piano realize it has not written the concerto.” Damn, Lloyd Richards. I mean, Margo’s being a bitch, no doubt, but Lloyd had no chill.
1:15:16: So Margo just basically quit the play and got dumped, all within 10 minutes? Well done. Time management skills, check.
1:24:58: Karen is THE WORST.
1:26:05: Or wait, Eve might be the worst. Lordy, she might as well just hitch up her skirt and ask Bill if he likes what he sees.
1:27:13: Bill handled that about as well as he could have, short of slapping her and calling her names. “What I want, I go after. I don’t want it coming after me.”
1:28:39: “We all come into this world with our little egos equipped with individual horns. If we don’t blow them, who will?” I can see why Sanders was honored. He’s the little observer for all of us.
1:30:17: Oooooooh Addison is coming for Eve. Coming hard. Hoisting her on her own petard, or something.
1:45:18: Karen tells Eve, “I don’t think you meant to cause unhappiness.” Oh, she very much did. Oh my god, she’s blackmailing Karen! I don’t know who to root for. I mean, they’re both terrible people. Bill is the only person in this movie who gives a shit about Margo!
1:55:12: Nope, never mind, Eve is the worst. Karen is just stupid.
1:58:50: I know I’m supposed to hate Eve, so well done, moviemaker? I mean, there’s not a lot of nuance to her, so I’m glad she didn’t get an award for this. But cripes, she just moves from man to man, power grab to power grab.
2:02:04: I mean, Addison is more responsible for creating Eve than even Karen, but man … that slap across her face felt due.
2:03:50: THERE’S MY ADDISON. He set her up, and he’s taking her down, hard.
2:04:54: “You are an improbable person, Eve, and so am I. We have that in common. Also, our contempt for humanity and an inability to love and be loved.” If he wasn’t using this as a way to hit on the woman he just exposed as a power-hungry liar, it would stand for a description of my dating history.
2:10:23: And Margo, line of the movie:
2:12:47: Why are there so many stalkers in this movie? Now there’s just some young girl who broke into Eve’s apartment? At least Eve … er, Gertrude … was invited in.
2:16:49: Man, talk about circle of life. The stalker becomes the stalkee. Is everyone in acting this insane?
I’m trying to do a little introspection as to how I love Scarlett O’Hara so much, but hate Eve. No clue. But I need to see more Bette Davis movies if she always plays sassy ladies. I lived for her, even if she was a little slow on the uptick.
What I “know”: Honestly, nothing. I’ve never heard of this movie in my life. It was recommended by a friend when I asked about movies everyone should have seen, but I literally know not a thing.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Goldie Hawn shines as gentle librarian Gloria Mundy, who finds her peaceful and slightly boring existence shaken when she uncovers a plan to assassinate the Pope in this action-comedy inspired by Alfred Hitchcock thrillers. Fearing for her life, Gloria elicits the help of local cop Tony Carlson (Chevy Chase), who’s game enough to take on the strange case. Good thing, too, as matters morph from odd to bizarre and love blooms between the two.”
Never mind, I’m in 100 percent. Though the Hitchcock shoutout concerns me. Here’s hoping it’s more “Psycho” and less “Vertigo.”
TRAILER!
3:10: I, somehow, never noticed Goldie Hawn has a fivehead.
5:45: BARRY MANILOW MUSIC? I’m stoked. I love him, totally not ironically.
8:22: Oh, I like her in the giant ’70s glasses. That’s a good look for her. Sexy librarian, indeed.
11:20: I was going to say something about how even if she didn’t smoke, she’d notice that a pack of cigarettes was really heavy for only having three in it once he added the roll of film, but he got smart and just put them in her purse. That buys him a few minutes before she discovers the crazy plot that puts her on the path to love!
13:29: Ewwwww, dripping blood is always gross, but dripping blood on sweet, buttery, salty popcorn is a step too far.
15:56: So the people sitting behind her weren’t like, “Yeah, there was this guy, he came in, then his head lopped back, then she ran out and two other guys came and carried him out?” They didn’t think that was worth sharing? Just crazyshame the loopy blonde?
18:11: Awww, Burgess Meredith. So good.
19:07: Ix-nay on the ake-snay, please. I’m OK with spiders (I take a live-and-let-live philosophy there, especially for the good house ones … One lives in the top corner of my shower) but snakes are a no-go for me.
20:00: Why is no one noticing the 10-foot snake that is now climbing up on the coffee table between them?
20:09: Oh, I’m glad it’s his. I was going to have to question how the killer knew she’d be in his apartment … but never mind, it’s just a crazy old man with a pet serpent.
20:51: “Just scream and I’ll be upstairs in a flash, kicking ass” *loud screaming and flailing to show his asskicking skills*
24:35: OH NO, A DWARF SHOWED UP AT THE LIBRARY?
26:29: Man, she was right … that umbrella does pack quite a punch! Weird albino guy is weird.
27:27: MORE MANILOW. This soundtrack is amazing.
29:25: I just set down my lunch because I laughed so hard I spit a piece of lettuce out at “Here it is, my own little beaver trap.” Oh, Dudley Moore, you were a comedic gift.
31:50: Congratulations on having the gaudiest apartment in 1970s San Francisco, Dudley.
33:01: If Dudley Moore were a foot taller, I’d totally have a retro crush on him.
33:11: OMG THAT BED.
34:32: If this movie gets better than this scene right here, I may die. Honestly. I’m laughing so hard. He’s using binoculars on his own wall for like a soft-core porn he’s playing out of the cabinet next to his bed. I can’t.
36:03: Oh god, the inflatable doll floating away and him quietly saying “Please come back” just gutted me. Holy crapolies.
I can’t even do this whole thing justice. Here :
37:00: DO NOT WALK INTO YOUR APARTMENT IF THE DOOR IS ALREADY OPEN. I was willing to overlook the whole “picking up a hitchhiker” thing (though, to be fair, it would have avoided this whole mess which, I guess, would also undo the whole movie plot) but this is a step too far. Also, please lock the window that’s IN YOUR SHOWER.
41:31: I love that albino killed the guy who’s trying to kill her. I guess there’s good money in killing her and now they’re fighting over who gets to do it?
42:15: Holy crap, Brian Dennehy was young once?
43:15: The albino guy is a bait-and-switch, huh? Like Mr. Slugworth?
48:07: “You are a walking light bulb, waiting to be screwed.” God bless her crazy feminist friend who thinks all men are just on the planet to rape.
48:47: So wait, if the albino wanted her all along, why leave her in her apartment? Why not get the dead scar dude AND her and throw them both in the trunk? She was already unconscious. Seems safer than knocking her out on a street in broad daylight.
50:24: They had her pass out on her kitchen floor just for the boobs shaking, I’m 99 percent sure. Now they’re going to send her out in the rain in a white silky dress. Well played, moviemakers.
52:36: These old biddies playing Scrabble with curse words is my second favorite thing to happen so far in this movie.
58:46: I’m not going to lie, I’m impressed the little person could balance on a suitcase on wheels.
1:00:12: Sight gag of a little person hanging out of a window notwithstanding, why wouldn’t she just run out her front freaking door while he was over there fiddling with his suitcase. Also, I was 99 percent sure when he came in it’s a red herring. I’ll bet “The Dwarf” is a dwarf like Tiny Lister was tiny.
1:05:13: OK, so Stiltskin isn’t a giant man. I hope they work a Rumplestiltskin joke in here somewhere.
1:06:18: Do cops usually take people who are being murdered to the address where the vehicle being driven by people who want to murder them is registered? That seems like a questionable decision.
1:09:41: Stella, the man-hater, is so so damaged. Who hurt you, Stella? Who made you like this? “If they say they like you, it’s not so bad. It’s when they say ‘I love you’ that you’ve gotta watch out.”
1:10:34: I feel like if I’d known this Chevy Chase, I’d have been more forgiving of Chevy Chase now as a horrible human being. But instead, I watch this and I’m just like “You become a complete dick.” He’s smoother here than he is in the National Lampoon movies. Not as stupid.
1:19:22: So the cop who’s supposed to be guarding her just never shows up and she thinks nothing of it. Then he calls her, tells her to come someplace strange right away and hangs up and her thought is “Sounds legit?”
1:30:45: So Stiltskin sees the cabinets falling and still doesn’t move? Dope.
1:34:17: Goodness, Burgess Meredith was the bestest.
1:36:18: An oboe sighting! I played oboe for two years. I was terrible at it. Still, cool!
1:52:47: Dudley Moore is the second-bestest. Hiding when he saw Chevy’s badge and coming back up in sunglasses? Amazing.
I LOVE that movie. Thank you to whatever random friend figured out I would love a stupid slapstick movie. I love you a little. And thank you to my friend Linda, who organized my queue and gave me that after a movie about cloning Hitler. The tone change was nice. Love!
Stars: James Mason, Laurence Olivier, Gregory Peck
Rated: R
Released: 1978
What I “know:” Absolutely nothing.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “In this thriller based on Ira Levin’s novel, young Nazi hunter Barry Kohler stumbles on the trail of the infamous “Angel of Death,” Dr. Josef Mengele, who is planning to resurrect Hitler’s vision in South America.”
Well, this is a slight change in tone from “Spinal Tap?” Not sure I’m in a good place for such a bad movie (not bad in quality, but bad in evilness), but considering the state of the world right now … maybe?
TRAILER:
OMG I just watched this like 15 minutes into the movie and Jesus, this is a MUCH weirder movie than I have seen so far. (You’ll notice I hadn’t seen it yet below when I was like “wait, Peck is the bad guy?” What is with the doll laughing over the phone? This is weird.
00:56: Is Steven Guttenberg like the Steve Guttenberg? Dude went from this to “Police Academy” movies? I guess I can see it … needed a little levity.
2:38: Uh, it is. Weird. Not sure I’ve ever seen him do serious work. Well, aside from his impeccable presence as Woody Goodman on “Veronica Mars,” but that’s neither here nor there.
11:09: So Steve Guttenberg is the only guy not named Mengele on the Netflix sleeve, and he’s not even listed as one of the stars? Just a co-star? Interesting. Also, he just went down to Paraguay by himself, broke this story, and now magically has the home number of an older Nazi hunter he looks up to?
12:03: Kohler just walks up to a table with the same little kid who helped him earlier, handed him a box, and then led him away … an no one flinched. No one asked questions. He was sitting with other people and they either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
13:16: I am assuming the man dressed all in white who is suddenly bathed in lights, arriving on a small plane, is Dr. Mengele. They didn’t traffic in subtlety with the score to this movie. Blaring music when he was shown for the first time.
15:26: Holy crap, Gregory Peck is the baddie? Peck = Mengele? Weird. This is not the charming Peck I remember from “Roman Holiday.” Also, the baddie underling he’s talking to is the guy from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” which is doubly weird.
17:25: “In the next two and a half years, 94 men must die on or near certain dates.” Wait, what? I thought this was about Nazis. Who is he assassinating? Or why? Civil servants? Like mailmen? WHAT IS GOING ON?
19:05: “And by killing this old mailman, I will be fulfilling the destiny of the Aryan race?” THANK YOU FOR ASKING THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, RANDOM NAZI.
19:46: Ugh, that stupid kid. You can’t start playing the conversation while guards are walking by. Dummy. But I like how while all his henchmen are destroying this room, looking for the bug, he just stands there looking menacing. Do some work, lazybones.
21:29: Having now watched the trailer, and knowing that Guttenberg is only listed as a co-star, methinks his whooping in the car for having escaped is slightly premature.
22:12: Peck looks like a meaner Tom Selleck with that mustache. Speaking of Selleck and Guttenberg, can we get a “Three Men and a Grandbaby” made? Please?
25:46: Laurence Olivier getting sassy: “Take your time. Old men do not go back to sleep once they have been awakened.” Sadly, Guttenberg should not take his time as the Nazis are downstairs giving the front desk clerk some coersion to share where he is.
26:48: Poor, dead Guttenberg. Then Mengele is all smiles at the kid, then says “kill him.” Classic movie villain.
30:55: OK, Ezra Lieberman is the best. After his sassy rejoinder above to the soon-to-be-dead Kohler, he meets some guy he knows in the street, asks to speak, and the guy says he’s late for lunch. Lieberman says “Eight times last week I called you, and each time you were at lunch. Perhaps you have a tapeworm.”
35:21: I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure driving into a crate full of bottles while someone pees behind it, then them falling between two other crates, would not actually kill them. Cut them, sure. But I wouldn’t leave just thinking “well, one down, 93 more to go.”
35:56: So he didn’t have the kid killed, he just injected blue dye into his eyes so he’d look … Aryan? Doesn’t make his brown skin go away, good doctor.
36:45: The entire point of the scene of him walking out of his house to go meet the sea plane was to show the topless woman sweeping his front porch, right? Can’t see any other reason.
38:05: Well that’s horrifying.
46:47: So the weird kid with the clarinet has the weird, cloudy blue eyes that Mengele gave that poor native boy who worked for him/spied on him.
47:32: Oh, so this is one of the widows? And her kid looks like one of Mengele’s experiments? So that’s why he wanted this dude killed, but are all his experimental children just randomly living with civil servants? That’s really orchestrated, and would also pretty quickly trace back to him, I’d think. Also, this widow is CRAZY transparent. Her whole “Well, I don’t know if he was a Nazi as I only met him after that, and also, who is this ‘Dr. Mengele’ you’re mentioning?’ thing is weird.
49:32: HAHAHA she is REALLY happy her hubby is dead. He beat the shit out of the kid and she’s like “Thank God he got hit by that car!”
50:32: So creepy Nazi had to sleep with and then kill the blonde just to kill her landlord? That seems unnecessary. I mean, also, the killing of the 94 random people around the world, but whatever.
51:08: There’s the creepy doll with the phone! Is it just like her weird kid with a weird puppet? What is happening??
1:01:06: Man, reconnecting with an old Nazi friend and then tossing him off the top of a damn is pretty hardcore.
1:01:34: Anne Meara! Man! I love her. P.S. How is this movie only halfway done? Eek.
1:02:30: Yeah, another weird blue-eyed freak kid with an attitude at the house of a dead dude. I think it’s the same kid … yep, IMDB says it’s the same actor. And there are two more! Oooh Anne Meara knows something. She just shut down that whole “You look just like this kid in Germany” conversation real fast.
1:04:07: There’s the third. And he’s even feistier than the others! “Don’t you understand English, you ass?”
1:06:13: So all these kids are getting handed out by some evil German woman?
1:10:43: This woman worked for an adoption agency with a four-year window for both the husband and wife to have been born, but they had to be like 20 years apart, with the man older? And they had to be Nordic-Christian? Suddenly the Nazi thing makes sense.
1:13:15: “Thirty years and the world has forgotten.” Uh, no, it hasn’t. People very much remember the Holocaust, you spaz. Also, Ezra’s look of disdain after she said that was golden. “You are not a guard here, madam, you are a PRISONER. I may leave here empty-handed, but you may not go anywhere.”
1:17:57: I would like to think most people didn’t celebrate their second honeymoon at a Nazi gala in the ’70s?
1:18:44: “Shut up, you ugly bitch.” Well if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black, Dr. Mengele …
1:19:30: Awww poor Mengele’s murderers are being called back home because Ezra is on the trail, or, as Mengele called him, “that infernal Jew.”
1:27:19: Uhhhhh I think I know where this is going now. And it’s not good.
1:33:31: And therrre it is. Mengele is cloning Hitlers. Jesus. Side note, how pissed would you be if you found out you adopted Hitler? Like, man. $500 for a psychopath? No thanks.
1:39:47: “I don’t know about the Nazis. It’s the n*****s we’ve gotta worry about.” Hello, sir, have you heard about the Ku Klux Klan? They’d be interested in talking to you.
1:42:20: I’m not convinced four Doberman’s couldn’t break down a hollow closet door if they’re that trained to protect their master. I feel like they should have broken down the door and eaten Mengele’s throat.
1:43:57: If Mengele kills Ezra, I’ma be mega-pissed.
1:46:27: This is the best/worst fight scene ever captured on film. No doubt. They’re literally just squirming around and biting each other.
1:49:45: Wait, so Ezra took two more gunshots just to let those murderous bastards out so they could bark menacingly? Come on, Dobies, do better.
1:52:16: So Hitler IV walks in, sees two strange, bloody men in his living room, one surrounded by snarling Dobermans, and instantly starts just taking pictures? Then it takes the old one who ISN’T being threatened by dogs to say “Call the police” and then he says “Yeah.” Not exactly the brightest kid.
1:52:42: “If I prove I know you better than anyone in the whole world, better even than your mother, will you listen to me?” No, that would make you a crazy stalker. Call the police, kiddo.
1:53:58: Oh god, this whole movie was worth it for the belly laugh I just got from Hitler IV listening to Mengele’s whole speech, ending with him being the living duplicate of the greatest man who ever lived, and then the kid saying, “Oh man, you’re weird.”
1:55:30: FINALLY the dogs eat his face. Thank god. That was some good tension.
1:58:33: Yay, Ezra’s awake!
2:01:19: Ezra Lieberman is a boss. Good on him for believing in people, despite everything he’s seen.
Anyone who knows me knows I hate symbolism, so I have no clue what the whole shark-tooth bracelet means, and I don’t really care. I wouldn’t say this movie was “enjoyable” as that would kind of make me a psychopath. It felt slow-moving through the first 90 minutes, but then I understood why. You can’t just give that away at the beginning. Also, this is the second Peck movie I’ve seen, two very different movies, and I’ve really enjoyed (and believed) him in both. He might have been OK at that acting thing. Overall, not the sunniest movie I’ve seen, but very interesting and climactic.
Stars: Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, Rob Reiner
Rated: R
Released: 1984
What I “know:” It’s a mockumentary about a rock band. I know there’s a part about turning it up to 11 which has led to some giggles at work (long story no one cares about). As someone who has “Best in Show” in probably my 15 favorite movies, I’m excited.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “Rob Reiner’s cult satire about a fictional heavy metal group named Spinal Tap spoofs nearly every face of rock ‘n’ roll — from vacuous modern songwriting and half-baked album promos to over-the-top pyrotechnics-filled concerts.”
I will say this: Normally as I do this top part, I’ve put the DVD in so it can run through all the pre-movie stuff while I type all this out. Then it just sits on the “Play movie” screen until I’m ready. This one I actually listened to as I typed because they had the guys talking about all the stuff. Good times. Also, I love that it’s less than 90 minutes. 😀
TRAILER!
1:41: I do not want the smells, Rob Reiner.
3:01: Harry Shearer should have kept that facial hair always. And Michael McKean should have kept that hair.
5:43: I’m going to need more information on this bizarre gardening incident. I mean, I don’t garden. But would like to warn my mother.
6:25: I hope their current drummer has good life insurance.
6:45: GAHHHH IT’S FRAN DRESCHER.
7:48: Note to self: If you ever have a dinner party, hire mimes to carry the finger food. That is amazing.
8:00: I also didn’t know Billy Crystal was in this. “Mime is money” indeed.
11:24: I don’t dig on rock ‘n’ roll, but I’d listen to them. At least I know what the songs are about. Not big on subtlety.
12:21: “They’re treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.” Hey, they know what people like. Don’t judge them for that.
13:26: I love that they’re so clueless that they have no album and gigs are getting canceled and they’re just like “oh, all right.”
14:36: No lie, I’m pretty sure that cover (or something similar) has been done. A greased up naked woman on a dog collar with a hand shoving a glove in her face? Seems tame. “You should have seen the cover they wanted to do. It wasn’t a glove, believe me.” hahahaha.
16:04: “Both Sears and Kmart stores have refused to handle the album.” Hahahah oh 1982. Jesus, wait, that 35 years ago? God I’m old.
18:38: “We’ve got armadillos in our trousers.” Yikes.
21:23: You know, if Nigel could have had some non-folding sandwiches, he could have stood up on his own. #freenigel
23:29: Nigel is my favorite. By far. The 11 scene isn’t even his best so far.
24:53: Howard Hesseman! Yes!
27:21: So they went from 12,000 seat arenas to 1200 seat clubs, and the manager is asked if that means their popularity is waning. After stumbling for two seconds, he says “Their appeal is just becoming more selective.” #alternativefacts
32:43: Haha another dead drummer. He exploded on stage? WTF?
33:00: I’ve also learned that, oddly enough, only their heavy metal part is the sound of theirs I like. Weird.
37:00: Awww poor Derek can’t get out of his cocoon!
39:12: The good: Martin asks the drummer if he fears for his life. The bad: He’s in a bathtub. Someone’s going to drop something electrical in there, aren’t they? Oh good, he survived … today.
43:58: Wait, tinfoil doesn’t actually set off the metal detector, does it? Poor Derek.
45:01: I’m assuming these guys wrote these songs, which are amazing.
45:45: Paul Shaffer? I literally didn’t know this many people were in this movie. Well, this many famous people.
48:37: Jesus, that’s one of my worst fears: Being lost in a building and not being able to get out. It’s why when I go someplace I always try to get someone to meet me. I’m terrible at direction.
54:45: I noticed he wrote 18″ instead of 18′ on the napkin, so I giggled loudly when she was like ‘I don’t understand, I built it to your specifications.’ Followed by Ian saying “Fuck the napkin!”
56:22: Christopher Guest is a very pretty man with that gold eyeshadow on. Just saying.
57:05: HAHAHA David’s face when he sees the prop.
1:00:49: Well, Ian made it further than I would have. Good on him. Also, I’m pretty sure Jeanine and Nina Blackwood were separated at birth.
1:02:51: No, Nigel and David, don’t break up. Jeanine is Yoko.
1:04:34: Yessssss Fred Willard. Always a welcome sight.
1:07:50: RIP Nigel’s career. And Spinal Tap’s. *sad buzzer*
1:08:31: HAHHA Puppet Show and Spinal Tap. Oh god. How sad.
1:09:56: The one dude giving the thumbs down is cracking me up. I know he’s probably hard to pick out of the giant crowd, but here:
1:12:43: NIGEL! NIGEL! NIGEL!
1:14:53: David sucks butt.
1:16:21: OK, now he sucks a little less butt. But Jeanine is still the worst.
1:16:44: Hahaah the drummer finally bit it.
They were all reunited at the end … how sweet. Jeanine can suck it. I will just say that all their accents were AMAZING. Never made me say “that sounds weird.” Then again, I’m not British. But it passed muster with me. I’d put this second to “Best in Show” for me, but ahead of “Waiting for Guffman.” Well ahead of “A Mighty Wind,” which I really disliked.
Stars: Timothy Bottoms, Jeff Bridges, Cybill Shepherd
Rated: R
Released: 1971
What I “know:” Absolutely nothing. I’m assuming it has to do with like a closing movie theater? Or that it’s a metaphor for life? Don’t know. But finally saw “Crazy Heart” last week so I’m all in on Jeff Bridges right now, so this is perfect timing.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: “There’s not much to do in the windswept Texas hamlet of Anarene, where the town’s only cinema is about to close forever. So high schoolers Sonny (Timothy Bottoms) and Duane (Jeff Bridges) lust after incorrigible flirt Jacy Farrow (Cybill Shepherd) while trying to chart their uncertain futures. When Duane heads for Korea after joining the service and Jacy gets shipped off to college, Sonny is left behind in a veritable ghost town.”
Well, sounds like I was right on both counts? It’s literal and figurative. I do hope this blurb is general studio-types overwriting things because I don’t want to watch high schoolers “try to chart their uncertain futures” as that seems very unlikely there would be extended conversations about that between 17-year-olds.
P.S. Why were movies so looooong in the old days? Like every movie I’m watching is 2+.
Trailer!
00:10: Well, the black and white sure does add to the bleakness. Yikes.
1:40: Why is that idiot sweeping in a windstorm? At least they picked people who could relatively pass for high schoolers, at least these two. Bridges was 22, Bottoms was 20. They look younger. Well done on that. If you’d asked me, I’d have never have guessed that guy was Bridges, though.
5:23: Oh, that wasn’t Bridges. Good. That’s Bridges, hopping off the truck. Recognized him immediately. Never mind. He also looks markedly older than the sweeping guy.
7:20: Why would anyone play high school football in that god-forsaken town? These poor kids are getting crapped on by every adult over 30 in town. Short answer, I know, is “It’s Texas.” But I guess I didn’t realize it was like that even in towns like that, even back then.
9:19: Mopey McSadface gets to make out with Timothy Bottoms? Weird. Also, gross that he keeps his eyes open to look at Liz Taylor while he’s making out with her, but I get it.
9:55: Look, Mopey, you don’t get to be homely and bitchy. That’s why they talk about how ugly girls have great personalities. You don’t pull your tongue out of Timothy Bottom’s mouth and then start bitching he didn’t buy you anything for your anniversary. I get it, he should have remembered, but maybe have that conversation more than 2 seconds after he’s been exploring your teeth for cavities.
10:06: Man, Cybill Shepherd was gorgeous. I’d only seen her from “Moonlighting” on, but hoo boy. I mean, seriously. Shepherd’s gorgeous, Bridges is hot with those dimples, and Bottoms is beautiful. Whatever was happening in that one-horse town, it sure led to good breeding.
11:46: Well, hello again, Mopey. She’s bitching about how cold it is as she’s taking off all her clothes for Timothy Bottoms.
13:23: OK, everyone loses in that scene. I don’t blame Bottoms for cutting bait, but you can’t do it right after she fends off your advances down below. And you can’t end it by telling her she wasn’t very hot when you just wasted a year of her life. Boo to both of you!
14:55: I like the “sassy waitress who tells it like it is.” That being said, $4K in medical bills in that time would have been unbearable. It’s not great now, but 65, 70 years ago? Assuming this is set late 40s, early 50s if Duane ships off to Korea. Inflation calculator tells me it’s about $40K equivalent in 2016.
19:05: The Rig-Wam Drive Inn is a great freaking name.
19:50: Who’s the weird guy in the helmet and sunglasses who takes bets on HS football games and who has apparently pissed off Jacy’s mom?
22:06: “Everything gets old if you do it often enough.” Jacy’s mom is speaking to me.
23:56: Hey, it’s Cloris Leachman!
27:16: Bottoms looks like a young Paul Rudd. That’s what’s been eating at me. Paul Rudd with a little Richard Gere.
28:51: Holy crud, is that Randy Quaid? IMDB tells me it is. He has always had the same weird, hunched, weird, loping, weird walk.
30:35: Oooh a catfight! But a good question … why is he kissing his boss’s wife? Jacy’s mom is trash.
30:42: Cloris Leachman was 46 when this was released. There is something about her, in everything I’ve ever seen her in, where even in her younger days she still looked old. I don’t understand it. I could have guessed she was 60 in this movie even though time tells me that’s not possible. She’s a puzzle.
31:16: Why is everyone so mean to the prematurely balding pastor’s son? Poor kid.
31:38: Jacy just told Quaid to wait for her outside while she’s dancing with Duane. Like mother, like daughter, I suppose.
33:32: Jacy, you saucy minx. She’s one to watch out for. As her boyfriend basically tackles poor Quaid and challenges him to a fight, she sits in the car and just calmly watches.
36:49: SONNY, YOU DOG. You can’t go around making out with your coach’s wife over a trash can! Have some decency. At least do it around the corner.
37:52: Again with the sexism. Nude dude gets shown from the waist up, nude girl gets full frontal. #nudeequality
40:42: So Quaid and a bunch of strangers got to see her naked before poor ol’ Duane? Unfair! (I’d try to do a whole blog in Trump fashion but I don’t think I could pull it off)
42:15: If Sonny is supposed to be sympathetic in some way, they are failing miserably. 1. Forgets his anniversary, tries to go up girlfriend’s skirt, breaks up with her; 2. Makes out with coach’s wife; 3. Lets his friends strip his (autistic?) brother down and send him off to a hooker. I do, however, feel bad for calling him a sweeping idiot earlier.
44:36: Good on the old pool owner. At least someone’s looking out for Billy.
48:27: Right around Sonny’s second thrust, Mrs. Popper started really regretting her decision to bed the high school jock.
57:22: I’m glad Sam’s around. These boys need guidance and leadership and forgiveness and how to learn how to be men. Good for Sam.
1:01:32: Speaking of Trump, that dude who hosted the swim party just grabbed Jacy by the hoo-ha.
1:05:41: Well, that’s a kick in the gut. I had just come to appreciate Sam, and now he’s gone. Who’s going to lead these boys now? Their shitty fathers? No. Awww he left $1000 for the pastor’s son everyone was shitty to. Good for Sam.
1:10:46: OMG, Jacy just said “that tickles” when poor Duane was trying to perform for the first time. The burn that left must have haunted him for life.
1:17:06: Man, Jacy picked the wrong dude. Went off and got married. No wonder she leaves town for college.
1:19:40: Dude. A.) She’s 18 at BEST. B.) She’s apparently your friend’s daughter. C.) You’re already banging her mom. Stop getting all rapey. D.) Apparently guys back then just laid on girls and that was sex. WTF?
1:28:53: Poor Cloris. Married to a terrible man and now dumped by her boy toy for the town tramp.
1:30:26: “He didn’t do nothing to her besides get her to take her underpants off.” Good lord. That’s something, you weirdo. Now I know why everyone picked on the pastor’s son. Weirdo.
1:38:48: Oh, Jacy, you can’t just marry your ex’s best friend because you’re lonely. Silly girl.
1:47:20: FINALLY we get to the title of the movie.
1:53:55: OH GOD NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. That broom lying there and the cars all stopped and people gathering. No. Sweet little Billy did not just get hit by a truck. Holy crap.
1:56:38: So he just leaves his brother’s body lying there, on the sidewalk, with his letterman’s jacket over his face, and then hightails it out of town? WTF, Sonny? I mean, I get that there’s nothing there for him any more, but … well, at least call the cops or something.
1:57:46: He came back just to talk to his old married screwbuddy? What in the everloving tarnation is going on here?
1:59:58: Wait, how does she already know Billy’s dead?
OK, I have absolutely no feelings about that movie, good or bad. Duane, oddly, was the only one who actually showed any growth, and even that was minimal. This reminds me of “Boyhood,” which I despised because there was no point, no plot, no anything. Just ugh. So I guess it’s good I didn’t despise this movie? Parts were enjoyable, parts were hard to watch, parts were OMG. Makes sense Sonny would go back to the one place he felt safe when he’d lost everything else. Meh.
What I “know:” Probably more than most movies. I know Anthony Perkins killed his mom and keeps her in the basement. And I know there’s some shower murder scene with Jamie Lee Curtis’s mom. What I don’t know is why.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: When larcenous real estate clerk Marion Crane (Janet Leigh) goes on the lam with a wad of cash and hopes of starting a new life, she ends up at the notorious Bates Motel, where twitchy manager Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) cares for his housebound mother. The place seems quirky but fine … until Marion decides to take a shower. Director Alfred Hitchcock’s Oscar-nominated shocker has been terrifying viewers for decades — and for good reason.
OK, so No. 1, I’m just about Hitchcocked out. Whoever organized my queue screwed me on that. (Edit: I just looked and I still have three more Hitchcocks to watch. Ugh.) I’ve yet to be “shocked” or “stunned” or anything. And I realize it’s hard to watch it 60 years later when you’re not a film historian to see the things he broke ground with. But ugh. And phew! This whole time (nearly 41 years) I thought they were portraying Janet Leigh as his mom and I was like, “She’s a little young, no?” So glad that’s not the case. Also, my mom just told me tonight it took her years to get over the shower scene, but I think I’ve seen like 98 percent of it, so I figure I’m OK. Not like he could show the knife plunging into her or anything.
Trailer!
Holy crap on a cracker, that thing’s 6:31 long! I’m not watching that.
1:01: NOOOO JOHN GAVIN? Freaking Stalker Steve from “Imitation of Life” is back to haunt me in another movie? Dammit. I hope he’s not creepier than ol’ Norman here.
3:17: Ewww post-coital Stalker Steve.
5:12: “You makes respectability sound … disrespectful.” Sister, you don’t know the half.
6:05: So I’m taking from this, even already knowing she apparently rips off her boss and goes on the run, that Sam is the worst choice Marion will make. Even worse than staying at the Bates Motel. Hell, maybe Norman did her a favor. Don’t meet up in a seedy hotel with a guy who just keeps talking about his ex-wife.
6:25: So she’s like “Let’s get married” and he immediately talks about his ex-wife again, then backs out of frame. Girl, run.
7:35: This woman who works with Marion, however, is sheer gold. She took tranquilizers on her wedding night and ran through her husband and her mother’s calls when Marion asked if there were any calls while she was getting her Afternoon Delight. More of her, please!
9:15: Ick at the gross old Southern man who’s flopping his cash all around like it’s his manhood. Maybe it is.
11:04: “I guess I’ll go put this money in the bank, then go home and sleep it off.” My ass you will, Marion.
12:13: Want to know why I could never do this? I’m a terrible packer. I’d leave something mandatory at home, have to turn around and get it, and get caught. And yes, I could probably buy another of whatever it was with $40K in 1960 money, but that doesn’t last forever!
14:10: Generally, it’s unsafe for a woman to sleep in her car alone on the side of a road. But considering where this whole thing ends, she should have stuck with that.
23:01: She should just tell the cop she’s running from an abusive boyfriend. Some women did that in the ’60s, right?
26:17: Janet Leigh’s eyebrows are on POINT.
27:59: Stop honking your horn! You don’t want to make Norman angry!
28:19: Dude, Anthony Perkins is taller and skinnier than I thought he was. Or Janet Leigh is shorter. Either way, he looks like a scarecrow.
30:11: I’m kind of glad I know he’s, you know, psycho. Because otherwise I’d totally have a dork crush on Norman.
33:11: The Bateses should really look into doing better insulation on their house. I can hear every word through a rainstorm at the hotel hundreds of yards away.
35:29: “I’m not hungry. Go ahead.” The same guy who 5 minutes ago said he was just getting ready to eat dinner and would love for you to join him, and who has stuffed birds on his wall, wants to sit there and watch you eat after luring you into a back room in the office of the hotel where there are no others guests. Sheesh, Marion.
37:13: Oh, the body language. He’s all open and touching a bird and she said, “Do you go out with friends?” and he pulled his hand down and closed his legs and looked up toward the house and said, “Well, a boy’s best friend is his mother.” 1. Sweet, but no and 2. Yikes. Anthony Perkins is really quite good.
39:45: Holy crap, he killed his stepfather, didn’t he? Oh, Norman. This whole killing thing has got to stop! I mean, not yet, because Marion’s still alive, but you know. At some point.
39:59: “A son is a poor substitute for a lover.” Gross.
40:02: So the same thing that drove me crazy in “Dial M for Murder” is done SO WELL here. This entire scene is great. I guess it’s partly because I know more of the story than people watching it normally do, or did in that time, but seeing these two play off each other, building this tension … this is much better.
41:54: Y’all, I’m serious. This is the only thing I’ve ever seen Anthony Perkins in but he is (pardon the term) killing it! I’m 100 percent in on Norman Bates. “We all go a little mad sometimes” and then that smile. I mean, he’s clearly insane. Norman, not Anthony. But still … killing it!
43:34: OH NO SHE SAID CRANE. But she signed the book as something else (can’t remember what). Is that what spurs him? Is that what makes him slash her to bits? Man, she should have just continued stinking after two days without a shower. More deodorant, a little perfume, and get out of Dodge. Ah, Marie Samuels. He just picked up the book. Silly Marion. That mistake will cost you!
44:44: Now, wait. The layout is all wrong. When she went into the office, the desk was to her left, and this room was behind it. So her room would be the other end of the office. Even if the desk were straight ahead, this would still be parallel and he’d be looking out the back of the hotel. When he walked her to her room, it wasn’t a far enough walk to have covered a desk to the right, then a parlor, then the full depth of her bed. Dammit, Hitchcock.
45:04: See? Right there! He hangs the picture up, walks out the door across from it, walks straight out and turns left out of his office. That wall doesn’t even touch her room!
46:49: Oooooh she ’bout to get it! P.S. Even though I’ve seen most of this scene (the shadow, the curtain opening, her screaming and cowering) I’m still nervous. I really hate scary things. I hope this doesn’t mess me up, for real.
Obligatory clip, even though I’m assuming everyone’s seen it:
48:00: Dude, never leave them still alive. I mean, I’m pretty sure she dies eventually, but don’t run the risk. P.S. how is there no blood? I mean, none of the wall, none in the tub, none on her body? Even with the water running, you’d still be able to see the blood running out of her cuts.
48:41: HAHAHA and so now that the upper half of her is out of the tub and on the tile floor, NOW there’s blood running toward the drain? I guess from the 14 stab wounds he inflicted to her calves?
50:27: So I think at this point I’m supposed to think it was his mother who did this. This is the great Hitchcock switcheroo. But I don’t know if Norman had an actual break and is shocked at the sight of the blood, or if he’s acting it out so he can say he walked in on her like that when the cops come a’callin.
50:40: I’m also going to say this: Young Anthony Perkins looks strikingly like young Adam Levine.
52:51: Norman seems a little too practiced in how to get dead bodies out of hotel rooms, nah mean?
53:24: Norman should have called an exorcist, because I have NO IDEA where all that blood came from. It’s literally all around the tub, dried, when there was none after the killing, AND the water was still running when he came in.
54:27: Now this scene is taking too long. Hitchcock is killing the mood!
55:01: Wait, why is it basically dawn already? He’s really slow at cleaning bathrooms.
55:15: Very convenient that her trunk is already neatly lined.
58:13: Wait, his grand plan is to drive a car with a dead body in it into some brush and that will just take care of it? Oh, of course, there’s just a convenient pond there.
59:49: HAHAH a convenient pond that is inconveniently shallow. Is that a tar pit? That “water” is super dark.
59:59: OK, seriously, the little twitch/half-smile/smirk he just pulled when the car started sinking again was perfection. God, I love this guy. Anthony, not Norman.
1:01:48: Bob’s my second favorite person behind the nitwit that worked with Marion. Stalker Steve/Sleazy Sam tells him to skedaddle because Marion’s sister is making a scene and putting his business on blast and Bob’s like “I don’t need to go get lunch, I packed one.” Awesome.
1:02:09: PLAYER 3 HAS ENTERED THE GAME. Boom, there’s a private investigator who now wants to get all up in the Marion info. He looks super familiar so I was scanning his IMDB and I was like “I’ve never seen this guy in any … WAIT A SECOND he was in “All the President’s Men.” Got it.
1:11:59: I can see why Anthony felt trapped and confined by this role. I swear, even if I see him in something else, I’ll only see him as Norman. That apparently sucked for him, and I get it. But god, is he good. That whole scene with the private investigator slowly breaking him was tremendous.
1:16:11: Don’t go to the house of the crazy man! Oh, silly private investigator. That house just screams “murder house.”
1:17:37: Oh no! Norman’s “mother” has killed again!
1:18:00: “He’ll be back” says Sleazy Sam. Uh, no, he won’t. He’s sinking in a pond right about now. Man, that pond didn’t look big enough to hold more than 1-2 of those giant cars from those days. Norman better reign himself in!
1:18:50: HAHAHAH he really was in the pond. This is awesome. Also, stop yelling. You’re going to anger Norman. And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry! Although, I’m OK with Sleazy Sam getting his due.
1:19:00: Dammit, Sam lives. Is there no mercy in this world?
1:20:52: Haha the look between the deputy sheriff and his wife when Sleazy Sam said, “no, his mother” was priceless.
1:23:36: Paraphrasing, but “I called the guy who runs the motel where two missing people were last seen but he says he knows nothing so we’re good here.” Good work, copper.
1:23:54: AND THERE’S THE HITCHCOCK TWIST. I mean, I knew the mother was dead, but those people didn’t, and Marion sure didn’t.
1:25:09: No. 1, Norman should stick to poison. Fewer questions. And No. 2, who is the woman buried out in Greenlawn Cemetery?
1:33:14: So cabin No. 1 is just unlocked? The one he killed someone in, he doesn’t lock up after himself? Even when people come around asking questions? And why did she look in the toilet? And why didn’t the ink fade on the paper after nine days of sitting in toilet water? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
1:37:17: The sister just walks into the house and starts going through all the rooms. A.) You think people might have been killed and B.) You think some old woman lives there. Maybe call out like “Mrs. Bates?” or something. I mean, it’s not like she can answer, but you don’t know that!
1:39:41: The jaw clenching is EVERYTHING. I totally would have had a thing for Anthony Perkins. Yeah, I know. It’s never stopped me before. The gay thing, not the psycho thing. Though, actually …
1:41:25: Holy shit, that reveal of Norman in the dress and wig is amazing. He looks truly frightening. Well done, Anthony Perkins!
1:45:36: I don’t think this is how psychiatrists who have just talked to a murderer are supposed to be talking. This guy is getting really in-depth and it’s weird. “The MOTHER killed the girl.”
1:48:31: OMG that last scene, where he looks up at the camera and smiles while looking under his brow? Chilling. Like “Charles Manson in that Time-Life commercial where it froze on him staring right at the camera and gave me nightmares” chilling. Am I the only person who remembers that commercial??
OK, EASILY my favorite Hitchcock movie so far (though I’m sadly only halfway through apparently). It seemed … less Hitchcockian in some ways? Less overbearing, less tracking shots and psychedelic things. I actually really liked this movie, which may say something about me … though not anything my friends haven’t already said. And Anthony Perkins was a revelation. I know that’s probably not the right word for a guy who’s been dead for 25 years and who starred in this movie 57 years ago, but lordy. That man was good.
Stars: Sandra Dee, John Gavin, Juanita Moore, Lana Turner
Released: 1959
Rated: NR
What I “know”: I kind of cheated and had read the sleeve, or a close facsimile thereof, when Netflix’s original shipment to me was lost and I wanted to know if I wanted to wait for a new one or just move it down my queue. So I know it’s about a white mother who ends up living with a black woman and her daughter. I’m interested to see how it was handled in 1959.
What I know after reading the Netflix sleeve: Lora, a white widow with a daughter, and Annie, a black single mother, move in together and face a huge challenge as they try to raise their children. Annie’s daughter favors her light-skinned father and comes to resent her mother’s black identity.
Well, now I’m even more intrigued. Not only is it about race relations, but it’s about identifying within the spectrum of being a black American. Also, I took the stars off the IMDB page, and it only listed three white people. WTF? So I found out who played Annie and added her. She’s one of the main stars, IMDB! P.S. I chose the 1959 version. Was unaware there was a 1934 version until afterward.
Trailer!
(Edit: I added the trailer after watching the movie, and man, they really focused on the wrong part of this movie.)
Even the intro screen, where you choose “play,” only shows the three white actors. Damn, 1959. Also, quick note, the white woman is widowed but the black woman is just a single mother? Yeesh. At least in the opening credits, Juanita Moore gets to be “And Presenting,” which is nice.
1:13: Oooh, Mahalia Jackson sings in this? Sweetness.
4:45: Well, that’s a meet-cute! White mother misplaces her child at a very crowded beach, black woman finds her, reports it to the cops, AND buys her a hot dog? How adorable. And now the two little girls have run off to destroy other people’s makeout sessions under the guise of playing tag.
5:50: So I obviously don’t know Annie Johnson’s whole backstory, and I appreciate her willingness to just roll with the “yes, she’s really my daughter” conversation, but how she ended up in Coney Island when she sounds like she’s from South Georgia … did they make all black actors back then either be southern or uneducated city folks? Either simple, or dangerous? I know it’s hard to watch and try to put myself in that time, as I never lived through it, but it’s off-putting to me.
6:39: Lana Turner is REALLY laid back as the child she thought she’d lost like 2 minutes ago is suddenly giving out their address to a strange man with a camera. Again, more innocent time, I guess, but … yikes.
9:18: So I’m partial to Annie’s daughter, Sarah Jane, since that’s my dog’s name, but they couldn’t even bother finding an actual light-skinned black actress? There’s no part of this girl who looks like she would come from Annie. I get Lora’s confusion now.
11:55: Annie is such a nice person, always smiling, and of course the Southern black woman says to trust in God. What else did I expect from a ’50s movie? I hope they give her some depth.
15:55: So the crazy stalker with the camera from the beach now shows up at the house and somehow knows the girls’ names, and he just scoops up Susie like they’re old pals? Slow your roll there, buddy.
17:31: She says, “I’m a widow” and he immediately gets up and moves next to her and she doesn’t flinch a bit. Then he shows another photo, he took of just her, and it ends with him saying, “Don’t you believe in chasing rainbows?” What a weirdo!
17:53: “My camera could easily have a love affair with you.” No. 1, he’s not talking about his camera. No. 2, she visibly melts. Don’t give into the creepy guy!
24:20: Now she’s being creepily hit on by the gross, slimy agent guy. Why is every man in this movie so horrible?
EDITOR’S NOTE: I started this on Dec. 6 and am now finishing it on Jan. 7. What can I say? I suck. However, when I planned to finish this tonight I thought I was halfway through the movie. Nope. I’m not even 1/4 of the way through the movie. Yikes.)
26:00: So we’re rejoining where she’s basically whoring herself out to this agent to try to get work. All she has to do is apparently be his date to a party, wear some creepy fur coat he keeps in his closet to lure blondes, and put up with his lascivious ways. He honestly said, “I haven’t been seen with a girl without a mink since the heat wave of ’39.” GAG.
26:08: And he just said, “I’m a man of very few principles, and they’re all open to revision.” SO GROSS.
27:27: GROSSSSSS. He just told her he had to sleep with anyone he wanted her to and pose nude for some gross dude who might hypothetically want to paint her naked. I hope this is the last we see of this guy. More Annie, please!
28:06: And in a not-so-subtle turn of events, we return to the apartment where Annie and weird beach photographer/stalker guy are sitting at the table, doing Lora’s work for her. Good vs. Evil. Standard stuff.
30:33: Why is she so trusting of the weird beach photographer? I know the movie expects me to have moved past this by now, or maybe not have been bothered by it at all, but it’s weird. HE’S weird. And the amount of Brylcreem or whatever in his hair is making me nauseous.
31:00: SERIOUSLY. “You’re so good for what ails me.” “It’s all part of the Archer service … day or night.” She’s obviously in emotional turmoil, you freak. HAHAHA never mind, Annie came over, gave a subtle head jerk, and he left. God bless Annie. She’s the only logical one in this whole movie, and I’m saying that about someone who moved in with a stranger who lost her kid on a beach.
33:50: OK, so Sarah Jane is somewhat spoiled for being a previously homeless child. But imagining what it must have been like back then, and to have “passed” with no one figuring it out … and then your obviously black mother walks into your classroom with your boots and umbrella. How betrayed she must have felt. I don’t even really blame her for the outburst at her mom, because kids suck.
36:08: “How do you explain to your child she was born to be hurt?” Oh, Annie Johnson, how your words and gentle voice cut me.
36:44: She just called stalker man “darling.” This is what I’m talking about with old movies. Like four scenes together ago, he was a stranger taking pictures of her kid. Now he’s her man? With no actual plot development to that point? They haven’t even kissed!
37:25: AND NOW HE’S PROPOSING? Cripes.
38:17: So the dude proposes and then, less than a minute later is all, “No need working. You sucked at acting. I figured you’d have given up on that by now.” UGH.
40:43: Conveniently, she gets offered a job while making out with him in the hallway. And this jerkwad is all “Nope.” Thank goodness she kind of stood up to him. I hate this guy so much.
49:35: So she sucks at this bit part, tells the writer the scene is terrible, gets bumped up to a bigger part, rocks it, and now the writer’s hitting on her too? God, didn’t any man in the ’40s keep it in his pants?
51:00: She wouldn’t sleep with the agent for work, but will sleep with the writer since he’ll do more plays with her? #situationalslut
55:49: So that Caucasian/Mexican actress is supposed to play a light-skinned young black woman? Her name is Susan Kohner and she apparently got an Oscar nom for this role, so I’m supposing she does it well.
58:06: Lora starred in every one of her boyfriend/husband/whatever’s plays for like 10 years, made him a ton of money. Now she wants to do a dramatic turn and he acts like a petulant child. These men are all the worst. I hope Lora and Annie go lesbian and live happily ever after.
59:18: At least he went to go see her show? But so did stalker guy, who’s been stalking her at all her shows. And now he’s like ‘look, I don’t need you, I got a lady’ … classic stalker move.
1:02:32: That whole “Stalker guy seeing Sarah Jane after 10 years” introduction was REALLY creepy. It got a little more normal, but still weird. Don’t be gross about a girl who was 8, weirdo.
1:06:29: “You know I still have you in my blood, don’t you?” STOP IT, STALKER.
1:10:30: So Sarah Jane snuck out of the house to hang out with her white boyfriend and is now talking about like running away with him so he never meets her mother and realizes she’s black? A.) She’s 18. B.) If they get married and have kids, she doesn’t think he should know that his children are biracial? “I don’t want anybody to know her.” I feel actually kind of bad for her, no matter how terrible she is.
1:12:02: Steve leaves because Lora just put his trip around the world behind her meeting with a film director’s representative. Good! You do you, Lora!
1:14:57: OK, the bullshit Sarah Jane just pulled with her talk of mammies and massas in front of Lora’s agent and the director’s rep made me feel less bad for her. I mean, yes, Annie has been a glorified house servant through this whole movie. But Lora also put a roof over their heads and she really, truly cares about Annie and Sarah Jane. That was just disrespectful.
1:18:24: I WAS NOT PREPARED for the dropping of the n-word. Man, you don’t really realize how you don’t hear that word on TV or in movies in that usage until it’s dropped on you out of nowhere.
1:18:47: Was also not prepared for the full-on beating Sarah Jane’s boyfriend just gave her. Jesus.
Warning: This is graphic.
1:23:42: Man, Lora is tone deaf. Sure, Susie’s disappointed she’s leaving. But Stalker Steve was so excited and surprised to see her, she gets a telegram saying she can still do the movie and she’s all “Hey, Steve, since that whole trip around the world thing might not happen for you, can you watch my daughter while I run off to do a movie?” I mean, I’m still #teamlora in terms of her career and doing it while she can, but man, you’ve got Annie. Don’t ask the guy whose heart you broke twice to take care of your kid while you’re an absentee mother!
1:29:45: OMG. So Susie’s in love with Stalker Steve, and Sarah Jane’s off dancing in a club for money? Good lord, these girls need parenting!
1:33:13: OK, the last comment was out of line. Annie’s done what she can with Sarah Jane, but she’s legally an adult. And I’m pretty sure in this last scene, after they leave the club and Sarah Jane runs off … she just literally broke her mother’s heart. And by literally, I mean figuratively.
1:42:46: I hope Sarah Jane goes home. That whole scene with Annie showing up in her hotel room and SJ finally breaking down and calling her “mama” was heartbreaking.
1:47:53: So now Lora is marrying Steve, and Susie’s upset. Maybe her and Steve should be together, what with them both being delusional weirdos and all.
1:51:19: “You’ve given me everything but yourself.” Oh, Susie, STFU.
1:53:36: No, Annie, you can’t die. Don’t die, Annie. (I passed on the easy “Dirty Diana” reference here because it felt cheap.)
1:54:44: Annie, the only actual human in this whole movie, just said, “Tell her I know I was selfish.” NO, ANNIE. NO, YOU WERE NOT.
1:58:14: I guess if I’d thought about it, and known Mahalia Jackson hadn’t shown up yet, I probably could have put this together. Dammit, Annie, you were the only truly good person in this whole flick.
(So the only clip I found of her from the movie was only 32 seconds long, so here’s the whole song, because everyone should listen to Mahalia.)
2:01:21: Sorry for your loss, Sarah Jane, but you kind of killed her, you know?
2:01:54: “Miss Lora, I killed my mother.” OK, at least she knows. Now I feel bad for the snark.
2:02:46: So totally out of left field, but it’s a sea of people saying goodbye to Annie, and there’s this one kid with his back turned to it, staring at a cake in a window. WTF? I laughed a little, I’m sorry.
The movie ended on the funeral? That’s weird, but totally awesome. I’m glad. Annie was, by far, the star of this whole movie. Stalker Steve got it right when he referred to her as “everyone’s Rock of Gibraltar.” I will say, this movie was much more a roller coaster of emotion than I expected. I was torn, at times, as to how I felt about almost everyone, except Annie (and Stalker Steve, but that’s probably just me). I can’t imagine what life was like in that time for a young woman like Sarah Jane, who only saw a way out of the life her mother had led. Or what it would have been like growing up with an absentee mom, like Susie did. While some of the scenes were straight-up old Hollywood overacted, and even the vagaries were somewhat clichés, I was glad they showed different sides of so many different characters. That’s not always a given. Two thumbs up!
